Roll Call 167 :)

Yeah the goal is to start out at 120mg which is a modest antipsychotic dose, 1 capsule in the morning and 2 at night. Then when I start clozapine I'll titrate down to 2 capsules a day (80mg) and then 1 (40mg)

Is hinge popular? God, there's so many to choose from these days!

I found my fiancé on facebook. But I had gone to high school with him and hadn’t talked to him in 10 years. He contacted me. To be fair we weren’t really friends in high school, but we had mutual friends. I didn’t even remember him when he contacted me because he had lost a lot of weight but to be honest, in high school, I didn’t even pay attention to him. Just cuz he was a white guy into hip hop and I was a black girl into political punk music.

I want a drink. Maybe I'll buy some alcohol this week. I hardly ever drink, I think the last time I did was like 5 years ago and that was only once in awhile.

I like fireball whiskey, bailey's and angry orchard beer

I think the nurse at PHP wrote me the wrong lab test so I'm freaking out don't know what to do

Dax is my new favorite rapper.

JOKER
Dax
Give me the beat and a mic
Give me the freedom to write
Give me the vision to see my demons and beat 'em at night
Give me the pen and the pad
Give me a couple of stans
Gave you a percentage but I'm taking home all of the bag
Give me definitive and unlimited amounts of people loving me and
Call upon everybody who came before me
And tell 'em to come and inject me
With whatever they're smoking man, I'm sick
But I think you know that already
You call me evil but how would you know it
Unless you live it already
You think you're better right?
'Cause nobody's seen what you've done in the dark
But if I put your life in this light you would crumble and fight
To survive or die but ***** I ****ing knew that already
I ain't special
But I specialize in making you feel especially stupid for judging a human
While you sit at home and whole world can watch what you doing
Or follow and hate all your movements
I ain't complaining but I know the people who do it
Are sicker than me and I'm sick enough I might just lose it
Yeah, you think you know me 'cause you double tap on picture
I hate the fact that you judge me it's driving me crazy
So when it's to deep I say **** it and drown in some liquor
I write these verses in blood
I got chapters for days 'cause my heart is a biblical scripture
And I ain't a prophet but I can predict
That you'll never catch happiness 'til you're the pitcher
So please continue to laugh if I'm a clown you a circus act
When I rap it's in a surgeons mask
'Cause I place every syllable
In a deliverable fashion from first to last
Then cut back with a message that's hidden in melody
Making them think and ask
If I was the one on the table pushing giving birth to rap
Maybe it was me
Maybe you like all my music but don't really actually love me
Maybe you just want a picture
Maybe you just want to see me 'cause you need some money
Maybe you think that I'm happy
Maybe you think in reality liking my post is repairing a hole
When it's actually shaking and cutting the soul right out of me
I think I'm sick
I feel a rush of emotion whenever I post up a pic
I got a problem
I'm in the studio rapping while this girl is sucking my ****
She cut a hole in my heart
Now I fill it with women who love me 'cause they think I'm rich
And if I be honest I just told a *****
That I care but I really do not give a ****
So what's your excuse? What helps you sleep?
You leave a negative comment not knowing what you sew you will reap
I bet you smile when you post thinking you're hurting me
But you see the way the brain works
You become what you speak, I need peace (I do)
But y'all can't offer that (you can't)
I held my ground, I didn't sell my soul
I said **** the fame, y'all can't take that offer back
**** a shelf you can't take me off the rack
All the fame is not worth a heart attack
You're insane, you're in pain, I can tell by what you saying, but
My bad (I'm sorry)
I forgot you were fragile
I forgot someone who doesn't even know me told you I'm an asshole
I forgot that I'm the villain
I forgot that I've always spread positivity, but you think I didn't
I forgot that hatred stems from people who hate their own existence
I forgot I'm better off alone
I forgot I care for everyone's happiness, but forget about my own
I forget I spend every waking second on my phone
Come join my circus, I'm recruiting
I'm taking everyone who passes judgement ***** that's including
Everyone who thinks it's so amusing
To put me down while I'm pursuing
The keyboard warriors that live online
Behind a screen that's just an illusion
Come, come, come join my circus
You ****ing pricks
I'll **** you 'til you love me
Then pay you to do some tricks
I don't need a doctor I need a bag of nails and bricks
To lay down on the floor
So if you fail to land a flip
You can feel what I felt when you tried to come sink my ship
Let me explain, you all help me financially gain
But I spend my money on mental health books
And read them just to control all my pain
I don't wear clothes, but bought this chain
And just like you this chain is fake
I wear it to distract you from the blatant sadness written on my ****ing face
What'd you expect?
Did you think I was immune to what you were saying
And didn't see all of the disrespect?
Do you think I'm not human, have no feelings?
Or maybe you think I'm ****ing weak and now I'm pleading
Maybe you think I'm just too good and that I'm ****ing cheating
Or maybe just maybe (just maybe)
You're blind and the hate inside your heart
Clouds your eyes and your mind and your ears when I rhyme
Even though we all know I'm one of the best of all time
Or maybe you're just a ****ing ***** and I can't
Stop comparing me to people who are not in my league
Stop saying I don't believe in God just because you can't read
Stop making fake profiles so you can spam my feed
I'm not alone, I know there's millions out there just like me

It was in the top five or so in whatever I googled? Sorry I haven’t used one in like 4 years......

Need.. to take.. a mind rest..

Okay, I just have to tell this story quickly because now, later, it is roo funny.

I used to take this sleep made that really disinhibted me and caused me not to remember much of anything after I took it. I have been alone fo ra long time and I do occasionally get lonely, though, most of the time, I am just fine with it. Sure, it would be nice to have someone around, but I just could not really manage another person. I can't even handle myself.

Anyhow, maybe a year ago, I got readey for bed and took my sleeper. I always just get in bed after that, but this night, I didn't. Apparently, I got on the computer. Or something.

So, I wake up the next morning and find I ahve allllllll these messages from allllll these lovely young ladies. Some of them were quite, uh, revealing, I guess you could say. Anyway, I had joined not one, but more than one, dating sites! No idea. No memory whatsoever. I would never normally do that. I still get some messages to this day... So funny. So not me. But when I take that med, all bets are off...

That is my dating site story.

Thanks, Sometimes, i will check it out.

One of my friend's died fo a heroin overdose not too long ago. Lethal drug.

You gotta call them back, falcon, and let them know. No biggie at all.

Haha. If I were more disinhibited, I'm sure similar things would happen... I just, well, I don't know how to approach women on those kinds of sites. I mean "approach." It's just a weird setup for me. Life's a weird setup for meeting women, anyway. Ha.

I sometimes think too much selection will be the death of humanity. I mean now I can search for a girlfriend all over the world. And it can be possible that not a single one of them is interested in me. So therefore, is it really better to have more choice? I don't really think so. That's why I kind of think dating websites are scams.

Also I have no idea what I'm really referring to.

I think I need to write my novel already.

You could alwast just do the minimum, Wasting. Just post a picture and write a few lines and you are done.

I think I'm an aromantic asexual and that's how I'll always be. However am curious. I just don't want to be in a relationship with anyone that is out of my league (Because I love myself more than I can love anyone above me that doesn't see my worth) or with someone who thinks that I'm out of their league (Because I've done that and I realize that it just really hurts the other person) - If it's both the same, it's boring (Because I've done that too) so I don't do all three at all. I like being alone - I'm never bored with myself. I like having friends.

I was wondering if I was a narcissist for posting that but it's honest. I looked up "Covert/introverted narcissist" and wasn't that and then "Self aware narcissist" but it wasn't that either because I have too much empathy.

It's impossible to ignore or hurt someone else when you have empathy. You can't ignore empathy - It's like love.. Much stronger than hate if you can feel it. They're opposites. You can't have both at the same time.

I'm just autistic. My ex step dad was a narcissist and the biggest piece of **** and is getting his karma. I will get my own karma for self medicating due to his actions - I'll then realize how to cope better as an addict and he'll either keep being a narcissist or become aware before or after he dies.

He's never taken a drug in his life. His drug was manipulating other people and pretending to care.

It doesn't matter how intelligent you are (Like my mom) - You can still get manipulated. The only way to solve that problem is to learn from your mistakes.

People with good, decent, kind, empathetic hearts get screwed over by people with personlaity disorders all the freaking time. They are predatory.

Does anybody ever feel resistance to getting better? I feel this intense resistance to getting any better. It's almost like I enjoy feeling bad.

Like a self sabotaging way? Self handicapping? People do that because they are afraid of failure.

I enjoy feeling sad but I don't enjoy self destructive behaviour or making irrational/illogical problems for myself that get me no where. I only self destruct because I say "**** it. This is hopeless" and give in to the void because I'm too tired to keep going" or;

If I'm chasing a good feeling either by: Using discipline to make myself feel bad so I can learn from it or if I know that it's going to get me somewhere by solving good problems or: I know it will be good in the moment but bad afterwards (Which I ignore).

That is one I can actually say I have never experienced. What do you think this is all about?

Yeah I guess it's self-sabotage. I also feel sometimes like I secretly crave the attention I get when I feel bad. I wish I could get over that.


I don't do it intentionally, that's for sure....