Roll Call 173

I'm extremely afraid of having a panic attack the moment I woke up and got out of the dream state which WILL CAUSE another panic attack.

Got the laundry in the washer

$600 each visit for ketamine.

I hate big pharma....

no akathisia yet

I'll make 2x 500mg/5ml (100mg/ml) - (10mg per spray). Two nasal spray bottles. 1-3 sprays should last me 1-2 weeks. It cost 100 dollars.

But I have to make sure that I don't get any more dissociative panic attacks for a week. So I'm gonna chew less nicotine gum, not drink coffee..

I'll explain to my doctor about my dissociation in the evening. It's happening increasingly more every night.

Most of it now is because of my moms cousin.. She's soooo annoying and triggers dissociation.

I just want to be able to focus and do things. I stopped taking olanzepine starting last night to see if that helps.

I feel much better after a shower

Hugs, Des.

Infusion or spray?

ok so i learned that 200mg of clozapine gives me akathisia 100 does not

because I take the 200mg right before bed, I sleep thru the restlessness.

Can you maybe take a hundred tid?

tid = three times a day, I assume?

I'll ask the doc next time I see him, also about maybe taking all 300 at night.

I've done that. I've not ate today because of anxiety...

Yesterday I WOKE UP with anxiety. I've never woken up with anxiety before. But it's not like that this morning. Today I feel calm.

Yesterday was just a very trippy day.

I blame having to wake up at 6-7am three days a week.

Yeah. If a hundred stops the misery, maybe just spread it out?

That's what I don't like about having a job or obligations more than a few days a week.

I drank a coffee

I hope the anxiety gods don't punish me for it

I want cheesecake. Or cookie dough. Or a mug brownie. Ughh it's only day 2 of 21 days of no sweets lol.

Had a good session with my T I guess it was good anyway. We talked about hurt and anger. She said my Mom was abusive when I was a child which I have said but it's not great hearing someone else say it and it wasn't really my Mom's fault. She had undiagnosed bipolar. She was doing the best she could. T said my Dad was neglectful. My Dad is a saint. I don't know. Rubbed me the wrong way. But the stuff about hurt and anger was interesting. She says I have layers of it. That's why I'm so self destructive.


Showed her some scars from when I was in the hospital. Finally got her to understand that it wasn't that bad and the ER doctor just flipped out. Still have to write him a letter not to send it but to get my feelings out or something. Worked on it. Got stuck. Deleted. Have to start over. Oh well.

Mom was real sick. I guess she's back to not feeling good again. Blood pressure was up to 189 over something. Then down to like 167 over something. Dad took her to the ER. He was able to go with her because of my Mom's memory issues. They didn't admit. They would have if it would not have been for COVID. But they are trying not to admit right now. Sister came down with my nieces and one nephew. Stayed for a day. To help with Mom. Talked to the doctor. Told her to take more of her PRN blood pressure med. Might change up her meds on Thursday when she talks to him again.

Hugs, Kit.

Hope your mom feels better soon Kit

I think I was just hungry and that was why I was craving junk food earlier, cause I just ate dinner and am not having those cravings anymore.

Tomorrow I'm going to call the library to set up an appointment to come in and renew my membership since it expires next month. Just got another ebook from their catalog. Will also take a few walks, clean my bathroom and kitchen.

Sounds like a good plan!