Roll Call 174

Pretty sure the maintenance man stole a roach out the ashtray

Never good to steal from snoop

Hmmmm.... Trileptal can mess with the heart rhythm. I stay away from heart rhythm messing meds. It's an anti-seizure medication.. weird..

Okok I have to prepare for my appointment in 40 minutes. I'm so nervous. They gave me a 0.25mg alprazolam so I might feel chill when I talk to the psychiatrist.

I just hope that he's chill and open minded and not a strict.. Maybe that's what I need? Idk.. As long as he's not an asshole like some psychiatrists that I've met.

@Desoxyn let us know how your dr.'s appointment goes!

doctor put me on 1mg klonopin, short term.

He was a REALLY good psychiatrist. Asked all the right questions and listened to me and my mom. Best psychiatrist I've ever met.

He was conservative and seemed really smart cuz he could keep track of my complete mess - He looked up everything that I've been prescribed in my life and we discussed a lot and talked for over an hour.

He decreased the Vyvanse back to 40mg (Because changing it to 50mg is when I started to get bad symptoms - I think it's dopamine depletion) but he told me to take it at 10am instead of 8am in the morning and said if I still get dp/dr when it wears off, he can add a short acting stimulant in the evening.

He increased the olanzepine to 10mg at night - So I'll have a really good sleep tonight with the zopiclone too (He didn't change that).

I told him about my drug use and shroom overdose etc.. He said that my uncertainty and fear of my mom dying and me dying is excessive - Like my mom said. The fear of my dad being in on a conspiracy with everyone out to get me is just thoughts - Same with my suicidal thoughts - Just a coping mechanism.

I'm staying in the hospital for now so they make sure that I take my meds as prescribed. I put them in my signature as a verification to myself and so people can help me.

He mentioned that being on the Invega injection and Clozapine would be all I need (But I said that I would be way too tired and gain a bunch of weight - Although he said that it depends on the dose). We're keeping clozapine in mind.. He wanted to confirm my diagnosis short term and long term and said that my symptoms are likely schizophrenia/psychosis.

So all's good. I'm gonna watch TED talks and hopefully not have a panic attack with the prescribed alprazolam..

Side note: It's all quite ****ed up and I want this to stop lol

I’m really glad it went well and you’re getting the help you need! Proud of you

My new psychiatrist said that he wants to change me from alprazolam to clonazepam/diazepam (Because it lasts longer) so I'm gonna check with my doctor now I guess..

I'm doing pretty well for 3 hours of sleep last night.

I don't feel like doing anything right now but staring off into space and listening to music..

Imagining things..

Sorry, newtus.

Doing good. Albert was very happy to see daddy.

Is albert your cat?

Yeah they changed me to 0.5mg clonazepam twice a day as needed instead of the 0.25mg of alprazolam that I suggested..

The Vyvanse is wearing off and I'm starting to feel a little zoned out. If it gets any worse then I'll take a KPIN..

But at least tonight I'll have a good sleep (10mg olanzepine and a zopiclone) will def knock me out.

Edit: I feel slightly better after eating dinner.. Might watch a movie or documentary or something.. I'll have to take a break in between watching.. Walk down the hallways..

I think the gabapentin is helping. Otherwise I'd be a total mess with what's all going on right now. The CPS case worker is dicking us around and my friends girl friend sister and her mother is putting words in the kids mouth.

I’m bored. I haven’t started saying that til a few months after I lost my job. Sucks. But with this new medicine dosage I’m back to sleeping all day and sometimes all night. I’m back to square one. I feel like a fraud, too, because I just am doing all this editorial advocacy work and I’m back to square one. I feel like an imposter! L

Being sick with mental health sucks.

If it ain’t the illness keeping you down, it’s the meds. It’s always something. Then you feel good for one whole day and then the next day it’s back to depression, or having a panic attack, or voices, or whatever. It’s just such a fckn struggle. And my agoraphobia and anxiety has ramped up since I’ve been home due to losing my job and covid. Fckn ridiculous.

Klonopin has a very long half life like 36 hours? God it felt good to take one of those. But be careful, it might make it hard to drive to work the next morning. So you might need to experiment when you take the 2nd one in the evening.

You are definitely a writer. You relate to people very well! Like a musician...

Rofl my mom gave one of my clonazepams to my ex step dad because he was anxious about bills then he got called to work and had to pull over and sleep.

Aww thanks! I am a musician too btw haha I play guitar and drums mainly. I miss my drums so fckn much. They are at my dads. I air drum while I’m living here. But I brought my sisters old guitar and my ukulele tho.

hahahaha

Just took clozaril 200mg, geodon 40mg, klonopin 1mg

I’ve been having extremely bad panic attacks and paranoia. Tonight what helped was taking my klonopin and a phone call from my sister.

On top of that going through caffeine withdrawal. I drank 8 plus cups daily for years and just stopped cold turkey 3 days ago. Horrible headaches and moodiness, had nausea too.

I’m going to keep at it though because coffee is acidic and wears on tooth enamel, which I can’t afford to mess up anymore due to my history with bulimia causing a lot of tooth damage. And I want to have better quality sleep. My Fitbit always gives my sleep a score of like 73-77 out of 100 (fair) I think it could be better without all the caffeine. And I’m sure it wasn’t helping my panic attacks much anyways. So I’m resetting my tolerance so I can enjoy a cup of coffee once in awhile months from now and it can actually have that euphoric effect on me like it used to. And just drink it on special occasions.

I had to pretty much quit coffee too. I’ve actually have been drinking Red Bull’s every so often. I’ve had 3 so far in the past few weeks. So maybe on average 1 a week so far. Coffee makes me terribly anxious now, and the acidity messes with my acid reflux, also on an empty stomach I feel nauseous with coffee. I do coffee on special occasions now too. Hope it helps your system to take it away for awhile. Sorry about the migraines. Yes, they are some of the most awful migraines you’ll get. Mine quit after a week thankfully.

Good to see you on.

Thanks newtus 😃 that’s good that you’re limiting your caffeine and coffee too. Yeah, I have gerd (acid reflux) too, so that’s another reason Im doing this. It was causing it to flare up constantly. Yet I continued to keep drinking it despite that and well, caffeine addictive so I guess that’s why lol. I’m glad to hear the migraines went away after a week. Hopefully that happens for me too.

My sister is going to set me up with cat food and litter for the month so it will be easier on me and I’ll be ready to start taking care of maybelle (after she has her vet appointment and moves in with me)