Roll Call 187

In the waiting room, it’s 9. My appointment is at 9:40

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So he prescribed famotidine for the acid reflux, 2 times a day. And he is going to prescribe Xulane the birth control patch (I’ve been on that one before) ,the only issue was they needed me to pee so they can make sure a pregnancy test is negative in order for them to prescribe it but I couldn’t pee so they gave me the sample cup and specimen bag to do it on my own time and take it over to the hospital when I can to their lab then he’ll get the results faxed to him and prescribe the xulane for me. They also gave me my flu shot while I was there. He’s really cool. He’s a hipster. He was showing me this Halloween decoration he wants to get while we were waiting on me to have to go to the bathroom (they gave me some water, but I still ended up not being able to go)

CVS already has my famotidine ready. I have a followup phone visit with him in 4 weeks then a physical with him in early November.

They also said my blood pressure was good. My heart rate was really high but it was because I was super anxious

He said if the famotidine doesn’t work we can try omeoprazole

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The acid reflux med is only a 50 cent copay which is nice. All of my psych meds are free but I figured this one and the xulane will probably have a copay, but it’s not much so it’s okay.

It figures that I couldn’t go there but the second I got home I really had to pee. I just wasn’t expecting to be put on the spot like that I guess. I totally forgot that they need a negative pregnancy test in order to prescribe BC

My psychiatrist said hi to me while I was there (they work in the same office, so does my therapist)

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I’m so glad I have a good primary care doctor now. I didn’t even have one for the longest time because the other place I went, the doctors changed constantly and it was really frustrating and they were always extremely busy. So I just never went

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Going to get pizza, cheesecake and a soda tomorrow

I was thinking of having a 4oz glass of wine sunday night. I'm not sure though. I read that famotadine can increase blood alcohol level

Pizza and cheesecake sounds good Blue_Bird. I'm glad your Dr. appointment went well and that you were able to get your flu shot. I can usually go to the bathroom on demand but sometimes the pressure of having to go when you don't have to go is pretty tough to deal with. Hope you can get the BC soon. HUGS Kit.

Thanks Desoxyn for the psychosocial education! I didn't know about that but I think my avolition is pretty low too at the moment. I think it is hard for people who don't have SZ or SZA to get. Like my IOP therapist didn't seem to "get" how getting a shower can be hard. She's like, you just have to do it. Well, no, actually I don't have to do it. I can go without it. She did say to make it fun. Like get good smelling stuff to use and that kind of stuff but I think she was still mystified. I hope you feel better soon Des.

I got triggered when the nurse was reading my weight on the scale today at my doctor appointment. I’m only technically 10 lbs overweight on the bmi scale for my height but it really screwed me up. I know I’m doing well physically, I’m healthy, don’t have high blood pressure etc but I spent the whole day restricting, looking up weight loss progress pics on reddit, and obsessing about how long I think it will take me to get to a certain weight. until I got lightheaded and had to make myself eat.

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I weigh 155lbs and I feel like I won’t be satisfied until I’m around 110-115 lbs. it makes me hate myself and feel disgusted

I’m almost ready to go off the abilify injection just to lose the 10 lbs I gained the first few months of starting it

Why do I feel this way towards myself. I don’t see anyone who’s overweight as being bad or anything but I feel absolute hatred toward myself for it.

I might have to reset my 9 day streak on my app tracking my recovery because of today

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I feel like if I even let my guard down a little and stop obsessing I’ll gain a bunch of weight

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I think eating disorders aren't a good way to lose weight + There's so much pain and suffering. Right now I'm reading a book about fasting. Fasting properly is for wellness not illness. It's the most effective way to lose weight and be healthy (Apart from exercise) if you do it right.

What I'm saying is that you need to change your thinking - Cuz it's stuck in the opposite of neuroplasticity like depression. Therapy can help greatly if it's done right. I completely advise going into new age fasting stuff etc while having an eating disorder without therapy and recovery. It's a real mental illness - But like all, can be treated and few have a good recovery which is great.

Don't give up hope!.. Western culture is really dumb. It's not even a culture. Just hedonic seeking and perfection. Our ancestors were much better off + They were physically healthy and happy - Especially the addicts.. they were smart at getting dopamine good hunters etc... The schiz people were shamans.

The future can be good if people stop fighting about identity etc and the other side stops being ignorant. A lot of scientific innovations were made but it can be no use to us without our spiritual side etc.

You need to curve the ball into the hole.. Slowly, sometimes fast.. But reaching for perfection in a good way, not a way that harms yourself.. Everyone deals with it all in a dissociative camouflage all in different ways but the same thing - The max.. Infinite.. You can call it god if you want.

Thank you Desoxyn, I feel bad about blowing up roll call with all my ED problems but it's become an issue again the past several months and not many people post in the ED part of the forum. I'll have to talk to my therapist about it next time we speak. Actually, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week. I should talk to her, to see what I can do and what her advice is. She's aware of the issue, has been for many years, but I was what is it called, in a period of remission from anorexia binge/purge type almost a year until now. Now it's back in the cycle of restrict/binge/purge. And I seriously just need to stop. Last time I ended up in the hospital because my electrolytes were all screwed up causing my heart to beat abnormally, and I was freezing/shivering all the time from malnutrition. That scared me straight for awhile. I have to stop having this obsession with my weight and control

My doctor said he took a horror movie philosophy class in college, we were talking about different horror movies. That sounds like a really cool class

HUGS Blue_Bird on all your ED stuff. I know sometimes I post about SH here because the SH forum isn't too busy and y'all are my friends. It's nice to be among friends. I hope you can talk to your Pdoc and your T about the ED though. I don't want you to end up back in the hospital. HUGS kit

I'm getting anxious about my therapy appointment tomorrow with the IOP individual therapist.

I hope it goes well!

Don't feel bad! Feel good! (Easier said than done..)

You're therapist has done good for you judging on how much you've gotten better. Remember that you are loved, have infinite worth and that things will get better if you know these things and put your mind to it.

Your anxiety is really bad.. I like to play mind tricks on myself - for example like "I will control my anxiety - Then I will be in a calm enough state of mind to rationally phase out the proxy control about weight" (If I was in your situation - But idk if that's even valid cuz I'm not a therapist).

If your therapy isn't working, a new therapist would be needed. I like my therapist but I think that I freaked her out because I mostly tell everyone about my trauma right away - It's just a lot of thoughts that swirl around - New trauma every couple of months and then I get over it.. Mild trauma..

You could also try online therapy through apps, websites etc.. Here is good too - I can't talk about drugs to normal people, don't agree with abstinence and active addicts make it worse.. It's just a big F cluster of stuff..

Post here as much as you need <3

I feel ridiculously stupid for changing pdocs so many times and making appointments with new ones then cancelling and stuff. I don't know how to accept reality. And my T is just like: "learn to communicate better with your current pdoc." I get so conflicted about it. It's absurd. My pdoc says "let's not change anything for a while," while I have legitimate complaints about the medication I am taking - i.e., it causes lack of motivation, it causes tiredness, it causes a whole host of problems right now, and my pdoc, I feel, doesn't even listen to my concerns. I wish he was more empathetic these days. He seems to be just meds, meds, meds, these days. Which isn't bad necessarily, but I know meds aren't the whole solution. And I wish I could be on less medicine. Not go off completely, because I already know that would probably be disastrous, but to go down on certain meds. But he refuses. He says I have an obsession about switching providers and things like that. And an obsession about changing the medication. I don't disagree. But hey, I would like to actually make some change here. I don't want to stagnate.

On another note I may have landed a full time job. We'll have to see if I get it or not.

I have been up for 38 hours

I’m almost desperate enough to take my Thorazine even though I don’t want to be on it

I think I’m stuck on Thorazine for life at this point. I literally cannot sleep without it. Oh well. The abilify injection helps me but gives me such bad insomnia that I need the thorazine tablets in order to offset it.

I’m supposed to be getting a small bottle of wine this weekend. I don’t know if it’s safe or not to have a single drink on the meds I’m on. I’ve had a drink on them before but I wasn’t on abilify then

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Sorry about the sleep. Personally with Abilify I can’t handle more than half a glass, usually I cook with the rest.

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Thanks, maybe I'll rethink getting the wine then. I just looked it up and I think it's a bad idea with both the abilify and especially the thorazine since phenothiazines have a central nervous system depressant effect, it's considered a major interaction. Even if I was only on one of them it would probably still be a bad idea. I'll just continue never drinking like I typically do anyway, I don't have a problem with that, I'm glad I looked that up before I went and got vodka like I was considering getting, that would probably be really bad

I'm worried my psych meds are poisoning me, I feel tingling in my veins , and I can feel the chemicals in them. I just want some peace. This always happens when I go this long without sleep

I finally slept after being up for 42 hours. I feel a lot better

I’m getting this necklace that’s made in Ireland, it’s a Celtic cross. I was going to get a ring by the same company but I don’t want to have to get it resized if my weight ever changes and it doesn’t fit anymore. So I am getting this because for one I’m catholic and have wanted a cross necklace for a long time, also am Irish and love Celtic type designs, my favorite color is green and I also want it to help motivate me on my ED recovery. It’s expensive but I wanted something nice that will last me a long time.

Instead of wine on Sunday for a different type of treat I may get a burger and fries from McDonalds