Roll Call 191

Very low dose mush. I cry but not much.

I want a way that I can heal. The future will be better.

I'm going for a hike with my mom tomorrow. So I'll be exercising a lot starting Spring. This will give me mental energy through momentum of more physical movement.

Edit: I can't believe the mush helped with Jobs anhedonia. I had bad anhedonia! Why would the world do this to us.. It's evil.

It's so evil.

But I advise against. Medications will be made, more research. Psychedelics are legal for medical use where I live. The time will come...

talked with my pdoc about my clozaril sleepiness, and he prescribed me Armodafini. Hopefully I feel more awake on it

Armodafinil is good for wakefulness with clozapine and no need to worry about psychosis cuz clozapine usually works so well for symptoms.

I'm gonna try and wake up at 7am and try to plan my day. It'll be fun!

Then I'll be at work by 9am. Usually I sleep in until 8:30am because it only takes 10 minutes to walk to work.

Woke at 7:30am, ate breakfast, took my meds. Now I'm drinking a coffee and reading some of my old journal entries from 2 years ago just out of curiosity. Stash is going wild with a mechanical pencil, batting it and tossing it all over, she loves playing with them, I always lose pencils because she's constantly stealing them from me lol. Getting on the treadmill in about an hour from now. Then gotta vacuum my living room. Even though I'm not taking it for motivation, I'm taking it for psychotic symptoms, the abilify increase seems to have helped me be super motivated. I've been exercising a lot, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, all things I tend to avoid way too much. I've been going to bed around the same time each night and waking up around the same time each morning, at decent hours. My mood has been good. And since my mood stabilizer (trileptal) was increased to 1500mg ,I stopped my manic spending sprees and staying up not sleeping for days

I miss my mom, I miss the early morning conversations we used to have. I'd always be up super early or in the middle of the night, and she barely slept too most of the time, so either in the middle of the night or early in the morning we'd both be up drinking coffee and having long conversations about all kinds of cool things, I miss that a lot.

I couldn't do the full 45 minutes on the treadmill, I only managed 30 minutes. I felt like I was gonna pass out so I didn't want to keep pushing myself, I was sweating a lot and didn't have water with me and it's warm in that room. Maybe I'll do the other 15 minutes later today after resting for awhile. I'm trying not to be disappointed with myself, I mean at least I got on at all.

I'm extremely hungry now. I don't know if it's from the abilify or what because I ate breakfast at 7:30am and it's only 11am now

It's snowing a lot today

Enjoy watching it from the window, pick up a book and a light meal and just enjoy

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Got a purple shamrock for st pats day…..I always like those and they tend to last until spring when you can put them outside.

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Martha Becks finding your North Star talks about the essential self and he social self and this is a lot like what I think about right and left brain….

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Haven't heard of purple shamrocks. I thought shamrocks were green.

They sell a green version with white flowers but this one is purple with pink flowers. Let me try to upload a pic.

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So pretty! Thanks for sharing!

It's like I'm a different person when waking up. I got out of bed at 8:40am and made it to work by 8:55am lol..

I can't focus at all

Played Skyrim for awhile on my Xbox

apparently my insurance is asking for a pre-auth for my Armodafinil, so hopefully the doc office will get that next week.....

My mind organization is not perfect.. But Dexedrine kicked in and it helps..

I see my therapist on Monday. I think I'm fine where I'm at in life.. I just need input.... Or some perspective that isn't mine.

I tried meditating last night for 10 minutes. I just focus on my breath again every time that I notice myself getting lost in my thoughts/imagination - But sometimes I can get lost in it for like a minute before I realize that I'm not focusing on my breathing anymore.

Dissociation.. But I took 10mg of olanzepine..

I was going to go down to 5mg but I won't now.

Now that I know another universe secret

I've been constantly.. trying to feel any good vibe in this reality. And it's impossible.

Like "flow" or something.. Everything doesn't make sense to me cuz I branched out into too many directions.

I'll try and meditate again today.

7 Ways to Get Back to Feeling Positive | Psychology Today

I need a change in life. It's all the same.

Are you following your essential self or your social self? In finding your own North Star by Martha Beck it says that some of us are so worried about what others think we stop listening to ourselves. She teaches you how to recognize what I call right brain and listen to what you really want at your core.

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