Roll Call 192

Maybe I'll start having movie nights for myself every week. Sit in my living room with my cat and watch a movie with some snacks, like sour patch kids or skittles and skinny pop popcorn

I love Moana….the ocean is so beautiful.

Need some of those good ol' delusions of grandeur

Edit: No nvm..

It’s been 10 days so far without a panic attack.

Maybe I can make it to my all time high streak of 55 days again. My average streak is 11 days

I haven’t had dissociation in much longer than that

There's this cool site called Letterboxd.com You can keep track of movies you've seen, movies you want to see, rate them, etc, it's like GoodReads but for movies

There are things that your mind is always processing, constantly analyzing - Possible trauma.

Once you find the answers (That life is as real as it is unreal), they will likely go away BUT.. You need to stay on antipsychotics/antidepressants/Lamictal... + Taking benzos at the right time (Only you personally know when is the best time to take them - Which overrides the fear of dependency but also not too far to the opposite, causing dependency). Then slowly taper when ready.

It goes as deep as your mind grasps into reality and different for everyone - Depending on which of your life experiences that you tend to think are good or bad + Internal values, identity, morals, fears.

My last dissociative episode was in October 2021, second last was in November 2021 the third last time was in February of 2021 (My last panic attack). 2020, I had ~40 dissociative panic attacks. They were good for me? Idk.. The olanzepine helped greatly. I tried stopping it around a week ago and I felt quite overwhelmed.

I still need the olanzepine.. It is the greatest med..

I don't know how my mom never gets dissociated and it would be really bad if she did. My dad I think, has constant depersonalization (Because I hear him in my head when I have depersonalization) - Some type of schizotypal PD thing when you have depersonalization but don't realize because it has been so long..

The best thing to do is to not think about what dissociation is too much like I did. I'm on a DP/DR FB support group and I have a lot of empathy for those people..

What I do when I feel like my eyes are zig zagging, I breath in, and out once or twice (Importantly, I focus completely on those 1-2 breaths) like a mind trick... And then I forget about it.

It's very good to count the days since last panic attack - Whatever works for you. It gets better with time. A lot of people in their 20's get panic attacks and then they go away as they get older.

Thanks Desoxyn, I appreciate your post I hope I can get to the point where a year or longer goes by without a panic attack. I think I’m on the right combo of meds now where that can happen. I just need to keep taking them.

I always wonder if growing up with my mom as an alcoholic and dealing with the threat of eviction and ending up homeless multiple times as a kid from 8 years old onward messed with my brain. She also drank some while she was pregnant with me. Not great. I didn’t know that last part until recently when my sister was talking about how she was trying to get our mom to rehab when she was pregnant with me. (My sister is 20 years older than me). It kind of makes me mad to know that honestly.

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I’ll be leaving my 20’s in a few years. I turn 28 in June. So maybe I won’t have to deal with panic attacks much longer the older I get. They didn’t start until I was 19

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I’ve made a lot of progress though, I used to end up in the psych ward several times a year when I was younger/in my early 20’s, things have gotten better in some ways as I’ve gotten older.

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I can't sleep. It's already 1:30am. I think I'm just up for the day. I'm not tired.

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Yeah I'm up for the day as well. It was 4 - something in the morning when I got up. Not too bad though.

I'm just trying to make sure my insurance payment went through. A bit stressful.

Waiting for my doctor to call…..have to goto work…it’s stressing me out, they are always so late.

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Finished work! Not a bad day...

2/7 days. Then it will go to 8/7 days... Hmm...

Hi, Kit! I keep getting behind. Too many podcasts I guess.

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Yes, I noticed unsure didn't seem to be around. I hope we'll hear from him soon.

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I wonder if that's because of weight gain from meds.

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Sitting here wondering if I’ll ever feel “normal” or me again due to psychosis. First day on upped dose of Rexulti…

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Yes, I feel like I have Alzheimer's and my 30 years of benzo use probably has a part in it.

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I hope nothing serious is wrong.

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That's good news!!

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I've been trying mindfulness of music lately. Just paying attention to the song and nothing else. My thoughts inevitably come in, but that's okay.

I loved waking up at 3 to 4am! And having some strong coffee.

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Yeah that's exactly what I did, haha.

I need to lie down for 2 hours