Roll Call 192

Sorry things have been ….

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Kidney stones? My brother had kidney stones and he was in a lot of pain but wouldn't go to the doctors for ages because of covid.

Yeah I’ve been to the doctors they basically said unless you’re going to actually die don’t go to the er….I’ve been trying to get a ct for weeks now.

I'll just stay on my current meds except I'll get my psychiatrist to increase the Wellbutrin and that's it.

I'm taking the day off today. I worked 12 days in a row. It was too much.

It's going well, actually.

I was looking back on my time with mental health struggles and actually, now it is pretty much crystal clear to me that when I was on a higher dose of olanzapine (i.e., 15 mg), I didn't experience impulsivity. It was only when doctors changed it (like my former doctor who wanted me on the "lowest effective dose" which basically translated into messing with the meds a lot).

So, I am hoping the waters will be calm for a while.

Just ate an Amy’s Indian entree…paneer and peas with Chana masala and rice…it was delish.

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I feel so royally alone. Not sure how to deal with it. I only have one roommate and he's gone most of the time.

21 Simple Things You Can Do to Feel Better Right Now | Psychology Today

I just signed up to volunteer somewhere tomorrow morning. Hopefully that'll be good.

I figured out why I was super depressed last night. It's that Klonopin.

Have you tried finding friends online but in your area so you can meet? Some people use dating apps for this, there are selections you can fill out and let people know you’re just looking for friends. Also Craigslist has a simply platonic section and there is also meetup. Meetup can be a good way to hang out and chat with people without any commitment at all.

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Looks like my CT a didn’t get approved…..

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Why not?

Apparently the place the doctors told me to go is out of network.

Ah sorry to hear that. Have they suggested anywhere else?

Yeah I might be able to get in a week from now.

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https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/16...DuTYn_VI1GNoAc

Getting this coloring book next time I order from Amazon…..it looks so good!

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Meeting with my care manager tomorrow. Going to ask her something about a job application while we're meeting then am going to fill it in after. I'm going to the movie theater with my friend tomorrow evening too

Totally forgot, also got to tell the building manager that I'm going to be applying to work part time so they know. They have to know because it affects your rent. The rent is based off of your income
It's 1/3rd of your income

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I meditated for over half an hour with my cat sleeping on me. I had many thoughts.. Thinking about how to organize my reality and be comfortable, happy.

How to manage ADHD/impulsivity, money, excitement and then calm, meditative, content...

Because I know of some sort of universal energy...

I wondered about meditating for hours (Or try to) - And I know something strange would happen.. As if I'm tripping or just become completely hyper-aware.. I would then meditate and medicate, expand.. See what is out here..

If I could just pause everything so it all disappears - Because that's what it really is. It's all just my imagination - Decoded electrical signals, hallucinations, brain in a vat etc... And I am a delusional, reactive slave to these hallucinations. I hear that you can't really control anything but you can control how you react... So somewhere in the philosophy that I learned from having derealization, it makes sense.

I wonder really what other people think about.. Like do they realize... And of course that's how it is.. CIA mind control, government making drugs illegal, sugar industry, Big Pharma, the news... And all of these conspiracies get dismissed by very smart people - And for a good reason, because example: People that didn't take the vaccine died of COVID.. Maybe that's just bad luck.

I don't remember what I was really thinking about while meditating. I do know that within the next few weeks, I'll remember at random times (My memory has been getting much better for some reason - Maybe it's the Wellbutrin) - It's like writing your thoughts down on pieces of paper and throwing them into a pile and then throwing them in the air.

- But it's often childhood memories, updating my long term memory, - which is basically what happens in my dreams. My dreams are always about studying in school, being in houses that I've lived in but like alternate realities - But always lessons to be learned in the form of meaning that I have to decode.

I'm feeling OK with living for eternity - I have time to waste, but also only one life right now to live.. so I have to prepare cuz maybe this is some sort of test. No one knows what happens after death - I realized that after learning that the brain releases DMT right before people die.

It brings me closer to wanting to read and block out the world. I just have too much Ne! Extroverted intuition.. I listen to a podcast about someone that has Ne really bad and he just can't seem to be like - a monk (On his spiritual path) or someone that didn't just wing it into enlightenment on a traditional path.. it was always like, - LSD, ketamine trips.. and philosophizing but most importantly, laughing about it all... And in a good way.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I would like to be in a place where I knew that i was on the right path like many people say - But I screw up lots. Although I have changed.. I changed a LOT. I talk more, to even really smart people about anything.. I'm more mentally in tune with the rest of the world... My mind sort of reversed itself though... In a Yin Yang type of way. The most cursed blessing.

And I'm more normal than I realize. I just get sui thoughts more than 90% of people... So I guess that makes me unwell.

It's the reason that I look for an insane amount of different perspectives - But I can only go so far with that because of the desperation I have to impulsively do something harmful to feel better.

My emotions control my thoughts.. So therapy would help with the feeling, thought, action triangle thing.. I could learn about it myself but really... there's just too much information in my head. I say to myself, yeah I understand something enough.. And then move onto something else..

But I have work tomorrow.. While sitting and just thinking, focusing on my breath.. I think about doing tasks at work - And it's like I'm there 100%.

That's why people dissociate. For the mind to escape from something so terrible. But work isn't that bad.. So it's like - Good days.. bad days.. Deal with it.. Whether I want to or not..

And I could quit. But I make money. So, I have to find a way to make enough money to do what I want.. And then I think about crypto, then that leads to toppling the world government - All the way to conspiracies and spiritual deeper meanings.

I can't escape. It's an endless rabbit hole that I have no control over. Lol..

But at least I only work from morning to afternoon. I have nothing to complain about like the jobs I used to have. I just want something to change. When there's little stimulation and I'm trapped in a black hole, walking in the cold for 5 minutes, drinking coffee for 5 minutes, dealing with really really annoying and egotistical coworkers. And the bad days are always overcast. I don't get it. It's like I'm in a vortex of wet cement.

But I do go hiking, skiing, visiting family, talking.. I live in a damn good place - Good life... I should focus on the more positive things. I just can't stand the way my mother has acted. It's almost unforgivable. I'm always on guard for that nonsense. I'm broken down by the way she dealt with her trauma.

She had cancer and the stories I hear her tell her friends about the way her ex left, tricking her into not giving any money from the lottery, walking away and not looking back - Just cold as ****.

She says that I had it worse and I think that she had it worse.

I will stop writing.. ENOUGH!.. I have to sleep. Ignore me..

Looking forward to going to the movies tonight