Roll Call 194

Desoxyn · Jul 29, 2022, 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Thank you desoxyn

Yeah it was scary. I blacked out and when I sort of came to I couldn't understand my thoughts and couldn't speak, I was trying to ask someone to call an ambulance but I was alone in my room and couldn't speak the right words anyway and was hallucinating a person there with me, I kept passing in and out then eventually I was able to understand where I was but couldn't stand up. I was scared to death that I'd die but was too embarrassed to wake my mom up to call an ambulance so I just spent the whole night praying I wouldn't die, not able to walk the whole night and I just laid in bed the whole next day and pretended I was just tired or something when my mom asked what I was doing. Didn't even mention it to her until years after it happened. Was high for a few days after that and felt very strange for over a week.

I had messed around with getting high on it a few times and had enjoyed it so I thought **** it I have two bottles here let's take all of it for fun, should be even better. I was not in my right mind that do something so reckless. Even I should have known that was a stupid idea and could be dangerous. But I just went ahead and did it without thinking twice about it.

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I'm sorry BB... It's a traumatic thing but I'm happy that you trust us to write that out <3.. Once you're comfortable, you can put it to rest (And think about it less).

We were young.. After a certain age, we're more responsible and don't see any humour (Although some people never grow up) - But it's a reaction to the absurdity. For you, it's a really hard lesson.. Don't think negatively about yourself for it..

Really, drugs start to suck the more you do them.. Some people (Like me), it took longer than it should have to realize..

You could always blame lack of proper education to kids about drugs other than "Just say no" - Cuz obviously that didn't work..

WastingAsparagus · Jul 29, 2022, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I'm sorry BB... It's a traumatic thing but I'm happy that you trust us to write that out <3.. Once you're comfortable, you can put it to rest (And think about it less).

We were young.. After a certain age, we're more responsible and don't see any humour (Although some people never grow up) - But it's a reaction to the absurdity. For you, it's a really hard lesson.. Don't think negatively about yourself for it..

Really, drugs start to suck the more you do them.. Some people (Like me), it took longer than it should have to realize..

You could always blame lack of proper education to kids about drugs other than "Just say no" - Cuz obviously that didn't work..

Makes me think about all the drugs and stuff I did earlier in life.

One time I blacked out at a party (my junior year of high school) - and I think that experience alone caused my schizophrenia/schizoaffective/whatever I have. I just felt myself interiorizing so much, and then I was crying and some girl was like rubbing my head while I threw up into the toilet (sorry if TMI).

That probably wasn't the worst experience I had though. The mental pain/anguish that came after that and several other traumatic events (I won't mention them now) was the worst part.

It was just so weird. Like everyone else stayed "normal," whatever that means, while I was completely broken into pieces.

Anyway I had started to go through that trauma history with the therapist who basically I had to stop with 'cause of whatever. And then they terminated me from the practice because I cancelled too many times. That came without warning. So that in itself was kind of a terrible experience.

WastingAsparagus · Jul 29, 2022, 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Reminds me of the stoics to some extent…

Stoicism is awesome, the only thing I can't really stomach about it though is the lack of attachment to people we love. I think it was Epictetus who said something about that. I felt like he was giving very little credence to relationships that are important to us.

Like I lost my best friend basically for reasons I already talked about on here, and it is destroying me. I feel so bad about it.

WastingAsparagus · Jul 29, 2022, 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

For me when I had some amount of transference it was a sign I was ready to start dating….we’re talking at mid thirties here but prior to that I was asexual….Meds and therapy changed that. Anyway if you don’t have a significant other I feel like you’re more likely to get transference but it’s still possible to get while in a relationship just less so.

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True, I just don't wanna put in the effort of dating right now. Ha. It's a good point though.

Desoxyn · Jul 29, 2022, 11:35 PM

I'm ready to suffer immense pain

I want to live..

We must run as fast as we can to stay in the same place

WastingAsparagus · Jul 30, 2022, 12:13 AM

I might get a new job. It would use my Spanish ability too. Only thing is I'd have to move. We'll see.

Blue_Bird · Jul 30, 2022, 07:02 AM

Good morning. Woke up around 6:40am. It’s 8am now. Just drinking a coffee and listening to music. Already fed the cats and cleaned/changed their litterbox.

I need to go to Family Dollar later to get some more cat litter.

Have a lot of cleaning to do today so I’m gonna spend a majority of the day doing that.

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Blue_Bird · Jul 30, 2022, 08:46 AM

You motivated me to use my facial cleanser and SPF face moisturizer Cogladaid, hadn't used them in a few months

WastingAsparagus · Jul 30, 2022, 08:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Good morning. Woke up around 6:40am. It’s 8am now. Just drinking a coffee and listening to music. Already fed the cats and cleaned/changed their litterbox.

I need to go to Family Dollar later to get some more cat litter.

Have a lot of cleaning to do today so I’m gonna spend a majority of the day doing that.

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I got up at 3:30 unfortunately. Poor sleep. But I am taking sarcosine and it seems to help quite a bit actually. Sounds like you have a good day planned.

Blue_Bird · Jul 30, 2022, 09:35 AM

Got a lot of cleaning done so far. All I have left today is vacuuming, wipe down kitchen counters, and mop the bathroom and kitchen floors then I'm done with cleaning today.

Tomorrow I'll clean the shower and put the living room and bedroom curtains in the laundry.

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Blue_Bird · Jul 30, 2022, 09:39 AM

Proud of myself because I really struggle with cleaning.

I hope you get some more sleep WA, I'm glad the new med is helping though

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Blue_Bird · Jul 30, 2022, 09:40 AM

Went through my spice cabinet and got rid of all the expired spices. I had a huge variety of spices and over half of them were expired so I got rid of them and will replace them as needed over time.

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Blue_Bird · Jul 30, 2022, 09:45 AM

Yeah I know there’s cat toys all over that’s just the way it is having two cats lol

WastingAsparagus · Jul 30, 2022, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Proud of myself because I really struggle with cleaning.

I hope you get some more sleep WA, I'm glad the new med is helping though

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Thanks! And yeah, I am too. I just took a nap for a while and I feel a lot better...

Blue_Bird · Jul 30, 2022, 01:01 PM

wow, sunflower seed butter is delicious

Blue_Bird · Jul 30, 2022, 02:15 PM

Signed up for a rewards card for my grocery store

Desoxyn · Jul 30, 2022, 03:00 PM

I was dropping and breaking cups (2 times) at work and walking around with things in my hands, not knowing where I was going. I caught myself mumbling to myself - from intensely thinking too hard, fast. I'm so stressed out. I really have a lot of self-doubt.

Last night I felt like I was on LSD - I felt absolutely amazing - Probably the best anyone could ever feel without having access to and amplifying some divine euphoria dial by using the energy of the sun. But I knew that it would go away once I went to sleep, after I woke up - And I'd go back to like how I was 2 days ago, being severely suicidal (Replaying plans in my head) and in extreme apathy/emotional pain.

This happens every 1-2/10 nights. Sometimes I'll go months without it happening. I wonder if it's the phenibut. Idk.

Blue_Bird · Jul 30, 2022, 05:49 PM

Drew this tonight. There’s lots of mistakes but it’s good I’m practicing

WastingAsparagus · Jul 30, 2022, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

wow, sunflower seed butter is delicious

Never had it - sounds good though. I have been eating tons of pumpkin seeds. They are very good as well.

Blue_Bird · Jul 30, 2022, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WastingAsparagus

Never had it - sounds good though. I have been eating tons of pumpkin seeds. They are very good as well.

I love pumpkin seeds too!

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Blue_Bird · Jul 30, 2022, 07:17 PM

Have a bad headache. This is my 2nd one in 3 days. I’ve had it all day. I might take some ibuprofen. I’m trying to avoid taking it because I’m almost out of ibuprofen but I might just have to take the last two and buy some more tomorrow.

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WastingAsparagus · Jul 30, 2022, 10:27 PM

I am stopping the modafinil - apparently it causes the aripiprazole and the mirtazapine that I take to be less effective, or at least I suspect that is the case - explains why I have been super depressed lately.

Blue_Bird · Jul 31, 2022, 10:52 AM

Everyday I wake up usually between 5 and 6:30am. It seems like once a week I end up sleeping till 10:30 or 11am unintentionally like my body forced me to or something. Like it happened today and it happened one week ago too. I guess maybe I need that occasionally.

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Blue_Bird · Jul 31, 2022, 12:59 PM

I'm glad I got back into drawing. When I'm doing art, time passes and I don't realize it because I'm having fun and focused. It also relaxes me. I get into a kind of zone where the rest of the world disappears for a little while. It's nice

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Blue_Bird · Jul 31, 2022, 02:08 PM

I'm going to try making blueberry banana bread sometime within the next few weeks

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