Roll Call 198

And thx Kit ^-

Was good skiing.. I felt a bit unsettled/triggered when everyone was talking, got tired, nihilistic. I drove down with my mom, and we talked a bit.. All is okay =/

I want pramipexole.. or aripiprazole.. Need dopamine.

"It is occasionally prescribed off-label for depression. Its effectiveness as an antidepressant may be a product of its strong partial agonistic activity on and preferential occupation of dopamine D3 receptors at low doses (see table below); as well, the drug has been shown to desensitize the inhibitory D22 autoreceptors but not the postsynaptic D2 receptors, leading to an increase in dopamine and serotonin levels in the prefrontal cortex."

It's just a dream...

..

It just a dream..

I realize that I'm becoming more mature.. and medicated properly, balanced mind.

I had fun, lots of pain.

I got to work in the office about an hour ago and now I feel horribly depressed.

I’m considering taking a sick day but what’s the point. I either sit at work being depressed or sit at home being depressed. It’s all really the same.

Just try not to cry at my desk is all I can do.

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I got these little packs of individual packets of single serving instant coffee (regular not decaf) I figure having only a small number of them in the house at a time I can still enjoy it without over doing it like I would with a whole giant container of coffee.

I went to the store and got cat food and some stuff I needed.

The cats are doing well, they’re happy. I had a nightmare I lost one of them. Like a dream where one got out and disappeared and I never could find them kept searching. Was so happy to wake up and see them this morning. I love them.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s day. My building does a corned beef and cabbage meal they give to tenants. They decorated the community room in green and shamrocks. I’m excited for it. My mom always made it and now that she’s not alive anymore it’s nice to still have it every year. I’d like to learn to make it myself one year though.

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sorry, just wanted you to know we’re all here for you

I hope you feel better maybe once the lamictal is fully back in your system

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At home you can find something fun to do….

I got a headache so I took a sick day. The universe telling me not to work today.

I think it’s the air in the office that gave me a headache (not any medication or anything). I left and now my headache is going away.

Guess I’ll just sit at home and watch TV and go on social media all day. Idk. Maybe later go for a smoothie or something. Not really keen on going out and about on a sick day though.

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My first shift is next Wednesday, it’s a lunch shift.

Then on that Friday I have a morning/breakfast shift. Then I have one more morning/breakfast shift towards the end of this month.

I’m gonna try to sign up for around 10 shifts for April , more if I can handle it. We’ll see how these three go first though.

My volunteer hours for this specific place are at 8 right now and I’d like to get up to or more than 50 hours of volunteer experience for my resume to kind of make up for my lack of other experience.

2 hours experience per shift

Anyway, I’m excited and nervous. I know it will be stressful sometimes at first but it will get easier over time and will help prepare me for working.

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I hope you feel better soon!

I don't feel very well, emotionally. Yesterday I was freaked out that I was/am losing my mind. Going insane. I don't feel like I am coping well but I am not sure what else to do.

My recommendation is a hint of retail therapy…if you can’t afford it just add stuff to your wish list….thinking about new stuff helps me a lot and it’s not too much of a stressor when you’re feeling sick.

Have you talked to T? Step 1
Have you given yourself room to breathe….you might need a day off step 2
Make some awesome weekend plans…something to look forward to step 3

I went to Sobeys and Walmart and did some grocery shopping. Found good stuff like swordfish and strawberries and cherry Coke Zero and stuff. I guess that helps.

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I’m not sure I’ve ever had swordfish but it sure sounds good.

It’s like a meatier fish kind of the texture of chicken and it’s not too fishy. It’s good if you want fish but don’t want like a soft fish. Almost similar to a tuna steak.

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Thanks SP.

I texted T. We'll see what she says.

I thought about a day off. It can't happen this week. I don't know about next week. Maybe I need one soon. Work has been making me more anxious than usual.

No plans for the weekend. I'm lacking motivation.

Oh yeah, trying some grounding exercises to see if they help.

I bought my friend that I haven't seen for a couple of weeks because she is busy doing emergency management in the snow filled mountain areas these really nice headbands. They weren't cheap but not terribly expensive. I paid about $50 for 2. I gave them to her husband to give to her last night. She liked them but they didn't fit her head so she asked if she can give them to her granddaughter. I am so disappointed that they didn't work out. I really wanted to make her feel special. Rats. I miss her a lot. This bites.

I can't stop listening to music. I have a music brain. It craves and always wants to be dissolved in music.

I’m glad you texted T. One of the things I noted when recovering from psychosis is I had social boundaries set up. Like people expect me to ABC, not take a day off because something was due etc. in the end I ended up in the hospital because I refused to take a vacation day I was entirely entitled to use. Yes people would have been upset that I used the day but it was way worse when I got sick. I always think back to my first episode like if I had just taken a day off this might not have ever even happened because mine was stress based. Just my thoughts.
As far as motivation you can still have awesome plans at home. Maybe set up some time coloring while listening to music and having a favorite snack….if you can’t get there yourself ask for help from family or irl friends…like I really need a cake or something.

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That is disappointing

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Found out that fear of going crazy has a name. It's called Phrenophobia. And it looks like it is linked to anxiety--though it can have it's roots in other mental disorders. My anxiety and panic attacks have been out of control, for some reason unbeknownst to me! So I am assuming that is the cause of mine. It helps that there is a name.

T said I am not going crazy. She said I have a severe mental illness and I am going to have ups and downs with emotions and I am going to have ups and downs with coping skills and hopefully this down that I am in will end soon.

I am probably going to take a day or two off of work. I will talk to my Dad tonight and see what is on his calendar (since I don't want to be home by myself) and schedule a day or two off of work to try to recuperate from this darkness.

HUGS Kit

Yup. So I ordered her something else. But I haven't gotten the order acknowledgement email even though I can see it in my orders on the website and they took the money out of my bank account. I set it up to go directly to her house this time so I hope she gets it. I'm really disappointed that the headbands didn't work out but hopefully it's the thought that counts!

This GIF reminds me of my Zoey. At least I will be off of work in like 30 minutes and she will soon be sitting in my lap taking a nap. She snores! Lol.