Roll Call 200

I’m reading the dmv manual and it’s so hard to understand all this stuff. I know nothing about rules of the road and signs and stuff because I didn’t grow up in a household that had a car and I have never had a car myself. So I never learned any of it.

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Is it possible to manage driving when you have a severe anxiety disorder and also dissociate when stressed?

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I just finished my last appointment with her. She set up my new one with the new doctor. The first appointment with the new doctor is going to be one hour long (in person). So we can get to know each other.

I cried after I got off the video call. Pretty devastated even though I knew this was happening. 8 years is a long time to see someone.

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They gave me a beta blocker to combat the anxiety…..

Yeah that’s a long time…unfortunately many pdocs seem to turn over even sooner than that.

Yeah usually they do. That’s been my experience in the past. So sucks to get used to someone for so long then they leave. I mean I understand. It still hurts though. I’ve been seeing my therapist there for the same amount of time, so thankfully I still have her

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I took beta blockers in the past, I’m currently prescribed klonopin but I rarely take it because I don’t want to be dependent on it. Maybe I’ll see if my new doctor can add a beta blocker in instead, cause that’s something I can take daily and that’s what I really need. Something daily for anxiety.

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Beta blockers are great for driving!

Don't drive on benzos lol. When I was 16? My mom gave my ex step dad one of my "0.5mg clonazepam" pills (For stress about the bills) - He went to drive for work, had to pull over, and went to sleep.

But the beta blockers are good for "physical anxiety" - That's why some people take a beta blocker before public speaking. It's very interesting lol.. Stops the "Shaky hands" and "fast heart rate" etc.

I remember having panic attacks (At school) when it was almost my turn to "read out loud".. My heart would just pound, fast, man..

And I couldn't tell anyone! Why? There was no awareness for mental health...

I thought people would judge me =[

But my heart would also start to beat really fast, every time the bell rang.. (Even when I was a kid) - Cuz of the Avoidant PD thing.

I had a good day. Walked to my friends house. We played dungeons and dragons. Then played a TCG game called Battle Spirits which is kinda like Pokémon but different in several ways. It was a lot of fun. I feel good. Just got off the phone with my bf, he just got off work and is on his way home. We’re gonna watch some anime tonight (from Crunchyroll) over FaceTime’s SharePlay feature.

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TMI it’s uncomfortable and I don’t feel like doing anything. Hopefully goes away soon. I don’t want to have to go to the doctor.

Didn’t go to the gym because I wasn’t feeling it. Did some shopping after work that’s about it. I’m supposed to go to the office tomorrow but I don’t really want to. We’ll see.

Feeling kind of down. Mostly because I don’t feel great.

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Hope you feel better soon!

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Which direction, where do I put my unlimited motivation..

I have no words anymore.. My mind is silent.

Why. Let the gears spin... I need.. Amphetamine? I'm already prescribed it =[

I can never find directions to put motivation...

I once set up my computer, desk etc.. all organized. Everything was ready. And I didn't know what to do. Or just lost my thoughts and got distracted.

And I'm saying this all now, that it's okay... But the past haunts me. Wtf happened.

I wasn't awareeee

Oh thank god. TMI I hate talking about these things with people and going to the pharmacy so I’m glad we had some leftover.

I know its kind of funny I’m posting about it on here but refuse to tell anyone in real life or go to a pharmacy lmao.

Hopefully that helps and it goes away.

I decided I won’t go into the office tomorrow. I’ll ‘plan’ to come in on Friday and come Friday I’ll ‘be slightly off’ and not feel like coming in to the office. Eh.

Maybe I’ll feel better and go to the gym tomorrow. Some kind of upper body day. I did leg day yesterday and it was a little uncomfortable considering… yeah.

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I am re-starting my exercise routine tomorrow. 40 minute walk outside , half of it is up a very long steep hill. 20 crunches. 30 bicep curls with 8lb weights, 25 squats with resistance bands , and 15 minutes of yoga. Going to be doing all this daily (except on my volunteer days and I’ll occasionally take a rest day on sundays)

I’m so out of shape I really need to push myself to do this. It’s good for my mental health too. A year of this and I’ll be in a lot better shape hopefully and lose some weight in the process too. I’m also on metformin now to help with managing my appetite and weight from the APs.

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Also trying to work on what I eat, I’ve been eating too much junk food. I am trying to cut way back on sugar. My goal is like 85% healthy/balanced food and the other 25% of the time leaves room for treats occasionally

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And I’m gonna ask my new doctor in September about starting a beta blocker again. I wish I could get on one now. September 10th is a long way away. Oh well.

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I can’t help keep thinking about when I

awhile back when I was manic and hating myself for it and feeling upset about it now.

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Try not to stress about it. Its not the end of the world. I did it too and while embarrassing, it hasn’t hurt my life in any way. Don’t hate yourself. You’re an awesome person.

Sending happiness your way.

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Thank you! That means a lot to me

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You might be able to get it from a primary care doc….

I was* an e-*, I made 4 people cum in one day

But now am asexual.

I blame Abilify mania and bath salts.

I was then left empty all the time, and decided to eventually fix my life (After getting on the right meds, soon after the bad trip). It was fun, but I wouldn't do it again.

Those things are meaningless to me now.. But I don't judge others for being that way, they're just dopamines.

I think I’m just gonna wait. My primary care doctor works inside the mental health clinic I go to. I just saw him recently for bloodwork and a pap exam. I’m just gonna work on meditation and exercise in the meantime. I’ll talk to my new psychiatrist about it when I see him in September.

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Actually , maybe I’ll just call tomorrow at the clinic and leave a message for my current psychiatrist asking her to be put back on propranolol. Worst case scenario is she says no because it interacts bad with my meds or something. We’ll see. Doesn’t hurt to ask. I should have asked about it during our appointment on Tuesday but I didn’t think of it till afterward.

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