Roll Call 200

Codswallup! I feel unsuccessful when I'm not getting things done, and I can't edit my book yet. So I'm just sitting on it like a cantankerous old man. Listened to a lot of great music today though.

Painting miniatures is really therapeutic for me. It’s just so relaxing especially since it requires a lot of focus and detail oriented work.

Anyway, I had a good day. I did a couple loads of laundry and got all that taken care of. Now to just fold everything lol. I also took a nice hot shower and used a coffee body scrub, which I don’t normally do. Normally I get in and out of the shower as fast as humanly possible because I don’t ever feel up to showering. Tomorrow I’m going to my friends house hopefully and we’re gonna play dungeons and dragons. Looking forward to it. It will be nice to socialize some. My mood has definitely lifted some finally. I took out the trash. Cleaned the cats litterbox. Did the dishes. Just little things to kind of make it look/feel a little nicer in here since I’ve been slacking. Tomorrow I’ll finish up the cleaning when I get home from my friends. Meditated for 20 minutes. Played ukulele. Learned more of a song. Then of course one of my strings snapped. So I will need to buy replacement strings at some point. They’re not in my budget right now so I am just gonna play my keyboard piano until I can afford to stock up on strings for both my tenor and soprano ukuleles. I don’t want to be stuck if another string breaks like I am now so I’m gonna make sure I have backup next time. I need to pay for my permit test first so it’s gonna be a month or so till I can play ukulele again. At least I have my keyboard

I bought these Beats over ear headphones from Amazon the other day for like 50% off and I charged them up and played some music just now. Sounds good. I’m going to start wearing those to the gym. The earphones I have keep falling out of my ears when I exercise. So the earphones are good for work, but headphones for gym.

Speaking of gym, I may have to lay off upper body work for a bit because I have this little ache in my left forearm. I might have been going too hard on it.

I work really hard at the gym and push myself. I always end up super sweaty. Not sure if it’s just because I’m pushing myself, or does my meds have a bit to play in it. Probably they do.

Anyway, going to sleep now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do legs? I would hate to have to take a rest day.

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Schizotypal personality disorder - Wikipedia

This makes a lot of sense. I remember (When I was 17), my psychologist said "I think StPD is the diagnosis that I'll settle on".

And then I didn't see him again. I got hospitalized a few months later, and was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I was talking to that psychiatrist for 3 months (Mostly about OCD thoughts, and anhedonia etc). I thought "If it isn't autism, well at least I can still be social" (Cuz I was really really lonely, from isolating myself).

Anyway.. I started the Concerta at 17 too. But all the symptoms peaked at 16 (With voices, etc). And was stressed as complete hell for most of my life.

When I read that wiki article, I'm like "Christ..". Cuz it can be triggered by "Neglect" Neglect?! Yes.. "Stress, abuse, trauma". Oh well. It is what it is. And the substance abuse? What will I do about that.. I have to do something... I try.

Aaaah. It's 12am. I have to sleep, for work in the morning. But I don't want to.. I never get tired (After I sleep) - Only when I can't wake up in the morning.

Awesome about the headphones. I use Beats earbuds (power Beats Pro) they’re really good too, have been using them a few years now. I like to use them when I’m on the treadmill it’s helpful having something to listen to when working out

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Sleep is good I never want to sleep either. But it’s helpful. And kind of resets my brain. I feel my best in the mornings after I wake up in terms of like anxiety levels and mood. I hope you get some sleep

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I managed to get quite a bit of cleaning done today. I made my bed, put the laundry away, did the dishes, redid the litterbox, swept, cleaned the bathroom sink, cleaned all the kitchen counters, my coffee table and side table, cleaned the windows and windowsills (omg they were horrible, it’s been like 6 or more months since I’ve cleaned them…) , cleaned inside the fridge and discovered the shelves are removable so I’m gonna remove them one at a time at some point and soak them in soapy water and clean them thoroughly cause they really need it. Tomorrow I’ll mop and vacuum the whole apartment. I need a break for today. This is more than I’ve done in like a year. Yeah I didn’t realize how bad it was. Like I had such low motivation for so long from depression and procrastinating due to anxiety and stress making me dissociate, I let my apartment really become a mess.

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Cleaning is almost always the sign of a mood upswing for me.

Yeah I think for me it’s just I finally got sick of living in an environment that gives me anxiety. Having a clean, uncluttered and organized environment helps me be in a better mood and helps my anxiety a lot. My mood is better, but I don’t think it’s like bad or manic or anything, just better. I didn’t take my night meds last night , Thorazine and trileptal, because I wanted to wake up early but that was just one dose so I don’t think it would have a big effect. I have more energy than I’ve had in quite some time though.

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Took a rest day from the gym. Doing some grocery shopping with my mom. Stopped to get a pulled pork crepe and some strawberry lemonade.

My first thought this morning when I decided to take a rest day from the gym was to eat light all day. I’m trying not to.

Having burgers for dinner.

I might play video games when I get home later after shopping.

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I took my morning and afternoon meds today. I need to take my night meds tonight. Shouldn’t have skipped them last night. Just gotta leave things alone.

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The food sounds really good!

What games have you been playing? I’ve been playing a Digimon game on Xbox

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I got a bunch of games like first person shooters and fighting games. I’ve been playing one of the Call of Duty, Soul Caliber VI, and Sims 4.

I just got home with Starbucks and groceries so I’m sitting watching a movie with my mom.

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I love the Sims 4 it’s a lot of fun. I have some first person shooter games, I like Halo, call of duty games are fun too. Also Mortal Kombat is cool for fighting games. There’s an old fighting type rpg game called Shenmue. There’s Shenmue 1, 2, and the third one just came out a couple years ago. The first two are old games that were remastered for current systems. I’ve played some of the first game. It’s fun, you’re in Japan and searching for the person who killed your father.

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I have a deck of tarot cards. I love them. I don’t believe they tell the future but I do believe different types of readings you can do can sometimes provide some insight into yourself or a problem your having, what you’re focusing on/your passion etc I just do readings for myself occasionally so I can just kind of think about things more deeply and get some new ideas and ways of thinking about things or problems I may have not considered. It’s kind of like a therapy tool I use for myself on occasion. Like it just provides some possible insight , different angles, and things to think about.

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This is my reading for today. It’s a Hocus Pocus themed deck (the Disney movies)

I just took my night meds. Hopefully I sleep better/longer and don’t have nightmares tonight. Had a nightmare about my moms death last night and those are always very unpleasant.

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I was at the grocery store today just getting ready to leave with hands full of groceries when I see some guy with his cart looking at the scooters. I saw him go over to the ‘out of order’ scooter and unplug it, then walk off with his cart. I’m like ‘what the hell is this guy doing?’ Went over to the scooters and sure enough he had unplugged them all. Apparently he is the Scooter Police and had decided that no one should be using the scooters because god forbid people with mobility issues do their shopping in comfort. My arms were full, but my mom plugged them all back in. What is wrong with people?

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I have this real bad;

I cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed my room, took out garbage etc - But I feel quite bad. I hate cleaning, or doing anything really. I don't play video games or do anything meaningful and really hate this whole existence since birth.

So I turned to drugs to feel better - And that is my personality now.

Let me stand at the gates of hell, in the acid rain... And souls will come out of my screams, burning in fire and pain.

Lol ^- Am jk.. idk

I’m so ready for fall, cool weather, pumpkins, horror movies, pumpkin spice everything, the leaves changing color, etc. being able to wear hoodies and jackets.

Played a round of the yugioh card game with my boyfriend tonight over video chat. Was fun. Going to my friends house Wednesday to play some games. Tomorrow morning I have my volunteer shift then when I get home tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. Probably my last one with her since she’s retiring. I’ve been seeing her for 8 years. It sucks, she’s been the best. Im really gonna miss her. It’s gonna be difficult to get used to someone new.

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Took two days off from the gym.

Sunday I took off because my arm was a bit sore from going too hard. Yesterday I had a psych appointment after work so I didn’t have time to go to the gym.

I feel bad not going. I’m struggling a bit with my thoughts. I don’t really want to eat. I almost feel like because I didn’t go to the gym I shouldn’t eat to make up for it. I couldn’t bring myself to eat pie yesterday.

I spoke to my psych about it and we’re going to work on it. I see her again in two weeks. Supposed to question the thoughts in the meantime.

It’s hard. Everything in me wants to just not eat.

I’ll try to go to the gym today with healthy thoughts. Try to eat good today. Try not to think about everything.

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Had a good volunteer shift. I got my official Kitten Angels tshirt (that’s the organization I volunteer with) so I’ll start wearing that every Tuesday I volunteer.

So surprised I’ve already been with them for 4 months, I’m proud of myself for sticking with it.

Have an appointment with my psychiatrist in a couple hours. will be bittersweet since she’s retiring.

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I really hope I don’t burst out in tears during our appointment today. When she first mentioned she was retiring soon a few months ago I burst into tears the millisecond I got off the video call. I wasn’t even expecting for that to happen but it did, but thankfully it didn’t happen during our appointment. I just hope it doesn’t happen today during our final appointment. Sometimes I have a hard time controlling my emotions and they just burst out without warning if I’m upset.

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