Roll Call 201

I want to make neuropsychopharmacology YouTube videos. And philosophy, history, spirituality, anthropology, use AI, some type of shamanic thing...

I could buy books.. Write a blog, learn to code a bit..

But I just sit here, paralyzed... I can't do anything..

Waiting for the bus to go home. Just got off work

I’m considering buying new pillows for my bed. They’re $49 for 2 memory foam cooling pillows , I was considering buying two sets for a total of 4 pillows, $100. Part of me is like that’s a lot for pillows but I’ve been laying on these flat pillows I’ve had for over 4 years, that weren’t even good quality to begin with. So it might be a good investment especially for comfort and sleep. And those things are important I think.

Nevermind, my sister says she has a set of memory foam pillows she bought and never used so she’s gonna give them to me

hi BB. they do make it incredibly hard to get off benefits. it's something a lot of people aren't aware of. it was a struggle for me for a while. eventually i did get off ssdi in 2018 and have worked full time since then. its possible.

can you ask your job to not schedule you these turn and burn shifts? closing and then coming into open is totally unreasonable and most people won't do it. i think you have some leverage to say, I cant do this anymore. having set shift times would be much better.

i remember my first job while on disability, i worked 20 ish hours a week. i was so nervous, shy, socially anxious and worn out. it's not easy! but i eventually adapted. hang in there. but take care of yourself first and foremost

Hey junkdna! It’s good to see you! Yes my shifts jump all over the place. The back to back closing/opening shifts don’t happen often so that’s not an issue since it’s not too frequent. I’m just adjusting to work in general it is exhausting. Physically and mentally. And I’m very socially anxious and shy too , so it’s definitely been putting my wayyyy out of my comfort zone but it’s getting better. I’ve been at this job a month and a half now. Im glad I have that new position there now where I interview people and pick ones to have hired and run job orientations because that will cut down the amount of time I have to do cashiering which is stressful especially during the holidays when there’s lots of people coming in shopping. But I’ll still do cashiering whenever I want/need extra hours and whenever they need backup. Like today I did markdowns cause no one came in for job orientations or interviews today. So basically I just scanned items after item and put marked down stickers on each of them that came up with a markdown price. It’s tedious because there’s so many items but the time goes by fast. I did backup as cashier for 30 minutes today. My main default job now is as Talent Captain but I’m still also technically a cashier, and also do other things they request like running items onto shelves/rails and markdowns when needed.

I’m wondering when there’ll be a day I come home from a shift where I’m not extremely physically exhausted lol might take a few months before I get fully adjusted to it though. It’s only been 1 and 1/2 months. Previous to this I was hardly physically active at ALL, so it’s a big adjustment. I had to buy new shoes because I was in so much pain from all the standing and bending etc. but it’s good because I’m losing weight

Good morning. I got some new jeans and long sleeved shirts plus a zip up hoodie and a pack of camisoles for layering since it’s getting colder out.

I’m all set for winter. I have plenty of jackets and hoodies and warm clothing plus good winter boots and winter socks. So I’m prepared lol I might want to get like a thing that goes over the bottom half of my face though for like really cold days because sometimes in winter here it gets into the negatives (degrees) and it’s probably not safe to be waiting at a bus stop for 30 minutes or more in that kind of weather without being nearly fully covered/protected from the cold. I have good gloves too and some beanies.

It’s gonna suck though when winter comes because I’m gonna have to trek through all the snow and ice to work which is like a 10 minute walk from the bus stop I get dropped off at. It’s not far but it’s gonna be an hard walk in snow and ice. And then on the way back wait 30 or more minutes in it for the bus to pick me back up to go home. Not looking forward to it. This is the first time I’m kinda sorta not looking forward to winter. Snow and the holiday season are nice but it’s really gonna suck since I’ll have to be out in it a ton more.

Im considering saving some money and putting aside a fund for Uber rides home for the really bad days

yep! i remember wondering how people could work full time and still function. it seriously blew my mind back then. take it slow and steady. i think its awesome you've got this job, and even though it sucks sometimes (maybe most of the time lol) its a HUGE stepping stone for you

Having a really bad panic attack, shaking, heart racing etc not sure why, I’m not anxious about anything

I got this family dollar brand peppermint mocha coffee creamer. It tastes just like thin mint Girl Scout cookies. It’s amazing!

Speaking of Girl Scout cookies, thin mints and Samoa's are my favorite. I’ll eat any of them but those two are the best.

My sister is dropping off the memory foam pillows for me tonight.

Other than that not much going on. Just gonna practice violin and clean up my apartment som, catch up on laundry.

I have work tomorrow from 8am to 2pm so I have to head out to the bus stop around 6:40am tomorrow so I’ve got to be up really early.

I’m looking forward to Halloween!

It has been a while since ive posted here, I'm sorry about that. I am bad about isolating myself from social spaces.


I have been doing alright I suppose, the typical ups and downs, good days and bad. I've been extraordinarily paranoid the last few days but hopefully that will pass soon. I see my pdoc in a bit over a week.

Hope you are all doing well

I’ve been okay last few days. Supposed to see the gyno on Friday but the doctor was sick so I see her Monday afternoon instead so I just hate waiting. I had myself psyched up for the appointment and then it changed. But finally.

Anyway, not drinking alcohol. Not drinking caffeine. Doing good with that.

I went to a burlesque show last night with my sister. Had a lot of fun! I got a pic before they told us no cameras allowed.



Would go again! Going to an adult expo in a couple weeks hahaha.

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Just finished my shift at work. Have a really bad sore throat now. So many things are spreading around work, colds, flus, covid , I probably picked something up there. I did markdowns the whole day

I didn’t get a lunch break today. I got one 15 minute break in 6 hours. The manager that was there today (my old boss) didn’t want us to take lunch breaks today. Even though technically we’re supposed to take one if we’re scheduled for 6 hours or more. He said just leave a few minutes early instead. I didn’t leave early though because I had to finish something. Neither of us left early, the two of us that were doing markdowns from 8am to 2pm. So I worked from 8am to 2pm continuously with one 15 minute break at 11am.

I was kinda pissed about that to be honest

Finished work for the week. I had 6 hours of sleep on Friday and Saturday night - This night I had 8 hours of sleep, so I feel better today.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.. I hope there's no problems.. I've thought about so many things to say to him..

Should I tell him that I think "Life is an illusion, dream, hallucination - And I have awareness of eternal dissociation?" (Isn't that widely known anyways?)

I want him to keep my meds the same, get 3x months of refills.. I'm doing the best I've ever been (Of course with constant severe struggle at times). But I don't think I'm really depressed anymore.

The progress that I've made (With my cognition/mind/consciousness/life) is unbelievable (In comparison). I shower every day, I exercise sometimes, I wash the dishes, clean the house, hygiene every day (After I wake up, and before I go to bed), good uninterrupted sleep, at least trying to attend to my goals..

The big thing is my thoughts.. So deep and philosophical, spiritual.. And it's been like this for years and years - But just intensifies.. I'm so balanced.. I get a little quasi-psychosis now and then, but it always goes away..

He's going to ask about drugs =[ I have to hide them.. They keep me safe.. I rarely use ket anymore (The longer I've used it, the less frequently I've wanted to use it...)... It helped with depression, and overcoming DPDR 100%. I don't even need 10mg of olanzepine anymore.. That's insane! I still take the 3mg Invega pill every evening at 5pm.

I missed a dose of the 75mg pregabalin (For the first time), and at night, I was severely negative and suicidal.. I rarely take phenibut anymore (And if I do? It's 1/10th - 1/5th of the dose that I used to take, every day).

So yeah, I'd like to say some things.. Just not sure what.. I'd like refills, and then for another good 3 months.. See what happens then.. I have ZERO heart palpitations anymore (And those have been gone for over 6 months).

It's pretty simple.. Life.. I want to learn about Buddhism for now, and learn about how different people think about different ways of achieving enlightenment.. And to meditate more..

Dark time at the moment.

Take me away from the computer.

I'm just trying to navigate reality - It's fun

Good psychiatrist appointment happened

Work was stressful today. I was the main cashier for 4 hours. They didn’t have anyone else scheduled. And there were a lot of customers. I had to call for backup and occasionally someone would come up to help but it was 99% me doing everything. I was only technically supposed to cashier for like a little while until the other person came in but I guess they never came in. Because I was up there my entire shift. And then a customer complained to me about a coworker like 10 feet away from said coworker and pointed at her and I had to call a manager up because she wanted to speak to a manager to complain about her, so I called because I’m not getting involved in that or talking about a coworker with them so I called one up. It was awkward and stressful. Another day that made me want to quit.

Also why do they only have one cashier for busy afternoons when tons of people are shopping there and have carts filled with items and clothing, a lot of the clothing has security tags that need to be taken off and hangers and they have to be folded then put in the bag and then there’s layaways which take a really long time. Like wtf. It’s similar to a Marshall’s. It’s not some small convenience store. Why would they make things so short staffed up front. I don’t get it. They’re hiring so many people. Where are they. Then they get frustrated at me. Like it’s not my fault they aren’t scheduling people

I’m sorry if I post about work too much, it’s just my main source of stress right now

I have the day off tomorrow. I’m going down to the social security office to report my wages and get a SS award letter for my apartment recertification. Other than that I need to clean. And I have my violin lesson tomorrow too.

I work Wednesday and Thursday but then I have 3 days off.

I can’t wait till Friday. I’m going grocery shopping and buying stuff to make this recipe on Pinterest I found called Big Mac sloppy joes. It’s basically a Big Mac copy cat recipe but in sloppy joe form. I’ll post a pic in a second. I can’t wait to try it. Also I just need some food in here in general so it will be nice to get some fresh food.

My psychiatrist asked me "When you feel suicidal, what emotion/s do you feel? Angry? Sad?"

And I said that I don't really get angry.. I didn't say that I felt sad..

I should have said that I feel "Severe mental pain/agony".

I should have said that. I have a bit of it now, but it's okay.

He replaced the clonazepam with diazepam - So I can split a 5mg pill in half (2.5mg), when anxious - Or to relax my heart so I can sleep at night sometimes. It's not much of a difference (Just more effective, muscle relaxing). I told him that I brought 60x 10mg pills back from Mexico, and used 40 in one year - So about 4x a month on average.

I got a comforter for my bed. So now I have a comforter finally. And my sister is dropping off the memory foam pillows today. I will eventually need to replace my mattress but it will be awhile before I can afford to do that. I want to get a mattress for my bed frame, a futon for the living room, and a arm chair/ottoman combo for the living room , and a another lamp for the living room because it’s dark with just one lamp on and I don’t like the overhead lighting in my apartment because it’s too bright and not very ambient feeling I guess. Idk if that sounds stupid. I’m just trying to make my apartment a cozy place.

I also got those $10 Colgate electric toothbrushes you recommended SP. since they’re much cheaper than a $80 plus oral b toothbrush. It was $10 for a pack of 2. They take triple A batteries. I’m sure the oral b ones /Phillips sonicare are good too but I don’t have that in my budget at the moment so these will be fine. And they will help motivate my to brush my teeth because I’ve been struggling with that, I’ve only ever used a manual toothbrush. So I think an electric one will make the habit a little easier.