[krzyk101]

Hi, well as I read about Schizophrenia and all, I was just thinking of myself although no longer being diagnosed as Chronic Parinoid Schizophrenia as I was 10 years ago or Shcizoaffective disorder as I was a few years ago. I simply despite the diagnosis suffer daily from different levels of Psychosis. Or more or less "Symptoms" of Psychosis.

My treatment Plan has the number 1 issue for myself is to "Stay Alive" followed by "Independant Living"

Of course with any Psycotic disorder medication is a key roly in treatment. However Medication for most people suffering from Psychosis will not 100% eliminate all forms or presence of phychosis, no matter how much of a fairy tale dream I may want to believe it to be true, for me the symptoms simply are under contol enough for me to function without supervision and or hospitalization.

For me, some of my "beliefs" which do not harm anyone as bizarre as they may seem are best to just let go. As in not to force the issue on me or try to convince me I am 'delusional'.

I refuse to use my cooking stove or oven. I find it not something to be safe for me. So I must use an alternative in coping with this as my mind is made up and I am not using that stove. I use the microwave and also an electric skillet.

I have a Case Manager who comes to my home twice a week to assist me or listen to me, and what is causing me stress or distress at the current moment.

She and I do not discuss what would seem to be major threrapy issues, more like daily living issues I am experiencing which are more like things others not suffering from 'Phychosis' would not even think about.

I can only speak through experience that when the breaking point comes for me and am hospitalized, I am after unable to recall all the events leading up to hospitalization and only know what is told to me of the seemingly 'funny' things I had said and done.

As I ramble I do recall as once living in a basement sleeping room, and going downtown in the middle of the night to a 24-hour retail store, and filled a shopping cart with all my heart desired as I was on a 'shopping trip' after carefully selcting my items, I continued to have the check out person ring up and bag when the total was said to me several hundred dollars, I simply reached into my right pocket, then my left pocket. Then looked at the cashier and simply said "I'm sorry, I don't have any money" then with no regard walked out the door.

several days later I was hospitalized. So that stuff I just wanted to share. Now paranoid someone out there in my city I knew or once knew who knows of that story will know my true identity I simply must just deal with it.

Thank you all and Have a good day-Chris

[SweetCrusader]

((((((Chris)))))))

[ktp]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

For me, some of my "beliefs" which do not harm anyone as bizarre as they may seem are best to just let go. As in not to force the issue on me or try to convince me I am 'delusional'.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Chris:

This pretty much sums me up, too. I have these little "quirks". I see things sometimes, but my husband and I have discussed it and I've decided that these things do not bother me or harm anyone else, so who is to tell me that they're not there ? I'm comfortable with this stuff and it doesn't bother me to the point that I can't function or freak my kids out or anything. Just things I think to myself and most of the time it brings me comfort. A part of me is scared of losing that "comfort". That was my argument against starting treatment. Right now it seems to have lulled, although some of it is still there. I had what some would consider a strange upbringing so perhaps my strange ideas stem from that. But then I ask, what is the definition of "strange"?...Don't get me wrong. I say anyone experiencing Psychosis needs treatment. But I think like you unless it's causing distress to the person or harming someone else...why cant' they just let it go. I believe it does more harm than good to convince someone that they're "delusional".

I think you've done an EXCELLENT job living up to your Plan. Living independently, that is a big one. You should be so proud of yourself. I know alot of us here are, especially those of us who read your posts ALOT...

Let's face it...living is hard, everything else sometimes just makes it harder, but it makes us stronger and you're resolve is so high, you inspire me!

Sorry if I'm rambling or not making any sense. I just wanted to add my two cents.

I wish you continued luck.

(((((Chris))))) if okay.

Take Care.
Kimberly

[krzyk101]

Thank You Kimberly,

Thank you for sharing with me your side of this. I too have strange beliefs, that seem weird or not possible.

Part of my treatment since I live alone is my Case Manager who comes here to assess me twice a week and make sure things are ok.

I normally openly express my beliefs and concern such as paranoia, she is the link between determining to what degree I am functioning and by observation and talk know if I need a medication evaluation appointment move up to a sooner date or if things can wait.

My most recent bothersome problem was this lamp and it was sitting on a big stand in my living room, only I felt it was sending negative energy and bad luck which I still believe it was. So finally I decided that possible if I move the lamp to a different location then this bad luck and negativity twards me and my apartment would cease.

I have moved the lamp to another location and seems true it was not the lamp itself, only the location of the lamp. I feel this has much improved the situation and now do not have that feeling about the lamp and it's former location, where I believe need never to have a lamp on that stand agian. So by doing this I was able to take a distressful situation through coping and remove it from the list of things that trouble me.

For me other psychotic things I seem to tolerate would be that of a Tactile type of Hallucinations. When I am extreemly anxious and such, I feel the 'bugs" crawling or landing on me. At times it can be bothersome. The other is at times I feel drops of water landing on my arm and am indoors and there is no water coming from anywhere. Because just as soon as I go to look up and no water dripping then touch my arm where I felt the drop of water and it is not there.

One other hallucination I did not even know exsisted was the 'Smell' type of hallucination. Do not have much of that since they increased the Risperdal. Only one time I was smelling meatloaf outdoors, baking cookies, popcorn, all kinds of smells so I told the Pdoc.

Sorry that I think I got out in left field somewhere here. Just wanted to say thank you for your nice and kind reply

Take Care-Chris

[ktp]

Chris:

I don't think you got out in left field somewhere. You're welcome. It's easy to be nice and kind to someone so open and sharing and ready to give advice. This is stuff I only share with my husband, but I am comfortable enough here to post about it.

For some time I have felt like I was being watched. Everything I do. Even taking a shower. This is one of the things that doesn't bother me unless I feel like it's a "bad" entity watching me. Which I have had happen a few times. That was uncool. I do have a running commentary in my head most times about what I do but it distresses me more when its' not there, because I'm afraid I'm going to make a mistake. Usually it's about silly things...like the way I clean. That is also an OCD for me. I have to have a certain number of things. ( I collect rocks) I wont say the number because it can be distressing to some people. But its a "lucky" number for me.

I feel things sometimes. Bugs are the worst. But that rarely happens for me. Mostly I'll be fast asleep, feel something touch me and jump. That always disturbs my husband and he's always what's wrong ? LOL. Reminds me of that commercial where the little girl is saying, "He's touching me...".

This might go way out in left field though. I have this owl friend. Actually it's two owls and I drive really late to go get my husband from work. He gets off at 1:30 a.m. so I leave home around 12:30. IF I see these owls...I know all is okay. It's like the animals are watching me and all is well. When I don't see them it makes me be VERY careful. We have coyotes and all kinds of stuff here and they are so majestic and beautiful. They will cross the road in front of me or be in a field line and I just smile. I know something is out there watching out for me.

One day I might share some of my "family" beliefs but I'm way too concerned they would be triggering or distressing for someone else, to share them right now. You want to talk about strange.....and just downright mean to tell a child.

Anyway, Thanks for replying back to me. You are always so easy to talk to.

Take care of you!
Kimberly

[krzyk101]

Hi, Kimberly,

I relate just about all you had to say. Especially the number I have one. One good number and one I try to avoid. My OCD and numbers get carried away if I let it. I find myself in like public restrooms and the soap dispenser and counting... The the paper towel machine..1,2,3.. times and dry my hands. I am doing better as far as numbers go. I don't do it anymore only at one time I would have and Idea or thought and I would lay in bed and add up the numbers of the digital clock then possibly do some addition or multiplcation and get a final 'answer' or a number result.

The Car thing I can relate to as there are times when I go to the same market everyday and other common places and I will have a strong feeling of a certain route in which to go. Kind of like a feeling. Doves on telephone wires seem to direct me at times. Other times the radio seems to give me advice on which way to take.

I do not know how well you handle change, with your daily living? Only change of the slightest form really throws me off bad.

Like recently the Radio Station I always listen to for some reason I could not at all on any radio to get tuned in after hours of messing with the radio, I the next day found the telephone number for the radio station, and called to see about it. They had shut down the power to a very low level cause they were doing tower maitnance and by the 3rd day I emailed the station manager and asked when they would be up and running again. I know it sounds really petty to become that overwhelmed by such a small change (not getting my radio station) only to me it was like it threw me way off balance of my daily living.

Change just triggers so much for me. Even though I really do not follow much of a strict routine daily, some things just effect me in a major way and yet such a trivial or minor thing it can seem to be,

TAKE Care,
Chris

[ktp]

Chris:

Change affects me in different ways. One of the ways I have of "coping" is "running". Not really coping at all. Right now, that's one of the things Im dealing with. Not running anymore.

Big change throws me off bad (sometimes) It's strange. We've had some bad tragedies in the last few years (my husband and I), and they're just now catching up with me. I'm not doing too well with this change.

I can relate to the radio station deal. We had this rock station we listened to with all the new bands and stuff and we were listening one night and it said, goodbye buzz, hello wolf. and suddenly started playing classic country! We spent days trying to find out what happened. Finally it's still got me mad but I'm not sure what to do about it. So I just burn my own CD's and pretend it's my radio station It's okay though.

I guess for me and the owl thing...and it might be the same for you. I look for signs. Signs that all is well or all is not well. It's according to what I see visually that makes me more nervous that what I feel, you know, watching me.

I'm the same though, sometimes major things can happen and it doesn't affect me that much but minor things just really bother me.

My number thing seems to be getting a little better. Though, really it doesn't cause any harm to anyone so it's not one of my priorities at the moment. I just try not to think about it and if it does bother me to the point of distraction I just kinda go with the flow. I think when I stress more about it it just makes it seem so much worse.

Well, I am not sure if I'm even making sense. I had dental surgery this morning and my pain meds are kicking in. LOL. I'll check in tomorrow.

It's so nice having someone to talk to!

Thanks so much.

Take Care,
Kimberly

[krzyk101]

Hey Kimberly,

Hope you are recovering ok from your dental surgery.

I understand very well the negative effects of 'running' as a coping mechanism.

I was 'on the run' one might say for 15years, even before diagnosed and hospitalized and on medication. Seems I never wanted to be home as a teen, and would 'run the streets' doing alot of nothing alone waiting for the lights to go out at the house (it was never a home to me) then I would go in.

I spent years moving from place to place and never stayed in one place for longer than a year I can not count the times I would move in with people and leave everything or half my stuff behind. Or get put in the group homes and lose everything and have to start over.

I don't know if I asked if you had a Therapist as it seems now I have a Case Manager who is as good as a T and has really helped me just by giving me support. I have been in the same place now for 2 years in December, dosen't sound long time to live in one place, only already a 15 year record for me.

As you said the major changes that have happened for me seem like cause me to 'go numb' or 'out of reality' ending up for me not so much having to deal with. Then the little things like radio station grind me up. Good coping of burning cd's for your music favorites.

I would have to say that if you can burn cd's then that is even better than the radio cause you can choose the content.

Music plays a big role in my moods. Being Bipolar I play all kinds of music. From Grunge to Gospel, seems every mood having its own type of music.

Well said enough, Hope you are getting healed up from your surgery and not too knocked out from the pain meds.

Take Care-
chris

[ktp]

Chris:

I'm healing up nicely, thanks. Well atleast I think. Didn't know it was going to hurt this long! And I have to have more work done on Wednesday. UGH.

Yeah, running was the coping method that I loved the most. I'm finally fighting that urge and I think that's why finally I was medicated.

I don't have a therapist right now, but I'm going to get a referral so I can get me one. I know I need one. I think I'd like to have one that my husband and I could go together too. He has alot of issues from his childhood.

Your home life as a child reminds me of mine. Our house looked all cozy. My dad and stepmom and four kids, always nice things. Door closed tight. But I was always a wreck. My mother abandoned me and I dealt with that on my own, well really , as a child by not dealing with it. It was like something in my gut all the time eating at me. We were pretty much slave labor. We went to school and I believe in giving children chores to do, but we did all the housework, including laundry from age 5. I used to love staying the night with friends. I hated staying at home.

I could definitely relate to that. I just wanted to be by myself.

Music is a big thing for me too. And I like everything. Classical to Heavy Metal. I'll listen to some rap music and spiritual music, but mostly I prefer the rock or the classical. (Strange huh?)and you're right, being able to burn CD's is much better than listening to the radio, for one thing, no commercials! LOL. But I like to hear what's new ya know and with our only good rock station getting cut out it's still bothering me. Though the classic country is cool, I still want my station back!

I got bad news the other day. My aunt had my grandparents call me, she's in the hospital. My mother's sister, she's schizophrenic, but is very very sick right now physically. She wanted me to call her and I just knew it was a "just in case I die" conversation and it kinda freaked me out but I realize that my reaction to it all was way less than what it should be. I guess I still dissociate. She has been in the hospital for 12 days and they're thinking another month. She told me she has been hard on her body. She's 42. Years of street drugs and alcohol to self medicate. Poor dear. Now she has adult asthma and blood clots on the brain causing mini-strokes and bowel obstructions. And then to top it off she gave me bad news about my Grandpa. I hated to hear it all but you know, I just couldn't NOT call. what if something happened ? But it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

And that bothers me....

Ok..I just got way off topic but haven't really posted since I had surgery so..I apologize if any of this is triggering !

(((Hugs))) and take care of you!
Kimberly.

[ktp]

Chris:

Are you still out there ?? Doing okay I hope.

Take Care of yourself.
Kimberly

[krzyk101]

Hi, Kimberly

Sorry so long for reply, I have been having alot going on in my mind since finding out my T is quitting.

I am glad you are healing up ok from your dental surgery. I hope Wednesday was ok, and that the pain is gone by now.

I think getting a T sounds like a good idea. I would see if you and your husband could get individual Therapy for oneanother as well as combined Therapy with eachother. I think it sounds like a good goal.

I am sorry to hear of your homelife as a child. I too recall doing work around the house at an early age and looking back seeing I was a 'little adult' before my time. I think I really had alot of worries and concerns children should not have to worry about at a young age. Feeling like I never really got to be a child.

I am sorry to hear about your Aunt. Is she doing any better? So many people slip through the cracks of the Mental Health system and either end up homeless or on street drugs and Alcohol as a form of self medication.

I spent 2 years of my early 20's being a 'Street Person' Going to soup kitchens, and living in a sleeping room. I look back and have no idea how I made it through those times of staying in a small 10 foot by 8 foot basement room with no heat. I guess I was just so numb and living the streets, living like an animal and having no hope from the depression and psychosis to pull myself up and out of the place. It took someone else to pick me up and pull me up out of there and say "you are not going to live like this" they saved my life.

Seems still at times, you can take a person up and off the streets, only it is real hard to take the streets out of the person.

I got off topic sorry.

Hope you are doing well. Have a good day and hope to hear from you soon (((((hugs))))) of friendship.

Chris

[JustLisa]

wow...its so great to hear that other people deal with this...I'm fine as long as I take my medication...if I don't I start to hallucinate again...recently, despite medication....I've been expirencing auditory hallucinations again. (I know why...I'm in a severe depression right now, but yeah anyway..) I just wanted to say thanks, because its great to know that people can live with it.

[ktp]

Lisa:

Kris is a real inspiration huh? You're definitely NOT alone here and we hope you come back and post on this forum.

Take Care.

((Hugs)) if ok.
Kimberly

[krzyk101]

Hi Lisa and Kimberly,

I do ok on meds as well still have problems with added stress.

I still am trying to figure out if I have Auditory hallucinations or if I have Intrusive Thoughts? Anyone know the difference?

I always told the pdoc's I had "Thoughts that were not mine" Which came across as auditory hallucinations only now I have been reading on Intrusive Thoughts and was wondering if anyone knew the difference of the two? Thanx KKris

[Malady156]

"Smellucinations" were the very first type I ever had, way back when I was like 14 or 15. I would smell things that were not there, usually a particular type of soap that would for some reason bring all these half-formed memories to mind with it. As I got older I noticed my sense of smell was extraordinarily keen. You can ask my son, one time he came home from playing at a friend's house and I kept sniffing the air and saying, "what were you DOING over there?" Then I'm like, wait, don't tell me -- you were playing with electric trains! Because I could SMELL them. I can smell the precise change in the air when a season actually changes (when the weather pattern shifts), I can smell rain and snow (easy, many can), I can occasionally smell human emotions and even the presence of 'invisibles' (spirits, entities, whatever) (if you accept such things as really existing -- if not just ignore that part, i'm not here to argue it) ... it's uncanny. i have smoked off & on all my life but it hasn't diminished this capacity at all.

[Malady156]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I will have a strong feeling of a certain route in which to go. Kind of like a feeling. Doves on telephone wires seem to direct me at times. Other times the radio seems to give me advice on which way to take.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Now see, this would be backwards from how I do it. My contacts inside me will TELL me to go that way, and THEN I see something that confirms it. Like the other day when I had to get out someplace away from traffic & people -- when I was told "turn off here" and I checked and it was Exit #49 (49 is a significant number to me). Or "turn right at the next road" and it was Route 17 (another significant number), etc. I get the communication FIRST and the confirming sign SECOND.

[Malady156]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I still am trying to figure out if I have Auditory hallucinations or if I have Intrusive Thoughts? Anyone know the difference?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

The difference is whether the voice is OUT LOUD or not. An auditory hallucination will be HEARD as if by the ear, won't it? I hear voices all the time but they are not actual auditory hallucinations because they are inside of me and not an external phenomenon. Sure, they are at times loud enough and 'real' enough to be separate from my own mind, but they are not, strictly speaking, "auditory". (Unless I'm wrong about the definition/distinction but I don't think so?)

That does NOT mean they are "intrusive thoughts" -- I'm not exactly sure what the definition is for THAT -- it just means they are NOT auditory hallucinations.

P.S. hope you don't mind me jumping in on the thread. I'm new to this particular forum.

[krzyk101]

Hello Malady156!

Welcome to the Site. I thank you for your sharing of your experiences and views.

Hope this Support Forum will help you see the other points of views and I respect your beliefs and ideas as well as your comments.

Have a nice day, and Thanks again for Sharing.

Take Care--

[Malady156]

Thank you for the welcome.
Please reality-check this with me:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Hope this Support Forum will help you see the other points of views and I respect your beliefs and ideas as well as your comments.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Did I somehow make you feel disrespected? If I did, I apologize. It was not my intention.

[dreamcatbuddhagirl]

Hi, Malady, I read your posts, on the voices thing. I'm glad you were brave enough to bring up this topic. Would like to explore this topic with you & any others, who can relate. I've had the same experiences, over the years. Like thinking(or hearing an inside voice say)something was going to happen & it did. Feeling in-tune to something beyond myself.Sometimes feeling guided. Being like Lenny Bruce, where he'd start out talking about different topics, and at the end would tie them all together and make good sense! Go figure!
I've never been sure where to draw the line between precognition and perhaps extra heightened senses. For what it's worth, I have some theories, besides Psychic ability, perhaps our brains are compensating for the parts, which aren't working right. Chemical imbalances ETC. Maybe because of this sometimes we are able to connect to information, that's going to happen.
I don't even know where to research this, but it's been bugging me for years. To anyone who hasn't experienced it personally, or hasn't been real close to someone who has, It sounds irrational and unbelievable. I've had doctors who couldn't explain it. Once the center for psychical research wanted me to be tested by a psychic. I was too paranoid at the time, so didn't go. Always wondered what, if anything they might have found.haven't thought about it in awhile. Anyway glad your here & look forward to trying to figure this out!

[Malady156]

Dreamcat, your profile says you are on meds. Did the meds interfere with these experiences for you? I am exploring that option for myself (as I'm not currently medicated) and this is a concern for me.

I am definitely guided. Matter of fact, at times I'm downright Owned and Operated.

Pleased to meet you ...

[dreamcatbuddhagirl]

Hi again, well to answer your question, The times it totally got rid of it,was when they zombied me out on heavy meds.When I was younger,those were thorizine,elavil( though ironically, I've been on elavil & others for the past couple of years & it's working good. I didn' know that,amitriptyline was it's other name. Till I checked on this site, couple of weeks ago.)

anyway,back to the point. I still hear them,somewhat,but I don't get taken over by them,now. I listen with a grain of salt! Before I would get caught up in a whole fantasy world. It didn't happen at once,but I got caught up & I'd wind up in the hospital-get doped up-gain weight-be a zombie for awhile. Each time I came back,was a miracle. I'd get stronger & be alright, till the next time.
This time was different. My family thought I was totally shot out for life.( I thought so too well I've been fine the past two years! Sometimes, I get messages of things that will happen,or thoughts that may just come from me.Like thinking about this site,for instance.I've been away for a couple of years & I thought it would be a good place to re-visit. Now with meeting everyone like you & Ozzie & others,I feel real good about being here & being real with my feelings & experiances. I want to help others & help myself. I get paranoid sometimes,because I'm afraid if I tell people what's going on in my head. They will reject me like my blood family did,years ago.
Being here is showing me,I matter too & people are supportive for real.Maybe it's because we all share that bond,of "losing our minds" & those who never had that happen,will never totally understand what it's like. Even as hard as they try & many do care & want to know. Any way Mal, I think meds are hard to find the right mixture,some lucky souls get put on Zoloft or whatever & bingo! it works for them. For me & others it's an uphill battle,but worth it, when doctors can find those that help! I now control myself, the voices don't control me! If i'm a little slow replying sometimes,it's because we have dial-up & it kicks me off.I also share the computer with my(real) family.(Love is thicker then,blood sometimes!) Just to let you all know, your heartfelt words.mean alot to me! D

[Malady156]

Thanks for your response. I guess for me the first thing I need to sort out is years of varying voices, spiritual/religious experiences, etc. what has been real and what has not? How much of it was legitimate how much was mental illness how much was -- whatever??? And then I need to find a level of stability where I can access objectivity again (as much as any human being can, LOL) which I have lost, and learn what is and is not myself and from there, how to trust her.

I have a long haul ahead and a lot of hard work. But at this point in my life (almost 40) it's either this or death ... or MORE life in hell ....

[ktp]

Malady:

I just wanted to say Hello and welcome to the forums....I love it here, it's been a great source of information and support and it helps a whole lot just knowing you're not alone. Sick as that sounds. Because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

To the point, I've read several of your posts, especially here and in the Survivors of Abuse forum and I see alot of similarities between us, although my primary abuser was not my father.

I also have hallucinations. I am not schizophrenic, as far as I know, but my younger brother is. Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenia. And my mother is DID and in a major battle with psychosis right now. She was my abuser, however, so I don't have much to do with her anymore.

Spiritually speaking, I believe alot of what you believe. My reality is what I see, hear, smell and taste. I rely on no one to tell me it's there or not, because I hate the concept of "normal". Know what I mean?

I see things alot, that some people wouldn't believe. I have a birdman who always lets me know to watch my step. When I see him out of the corner of my eye, I know to slow down if I'm driving or just watch my behind because there's potential trouble in the future. I seem to have a connection to animals and I think they watch out for me. This is not harming anyone, so I would just as soon keep this knowledge within my brain. I hear someone calling my name and I'm not so sure that it's a hallucination. I was with my Mother-in-law when she died, and around 10 min. beforehand, I heard someone yelling my name and came back inside and no one admitted they did it. I really think I was needed and it was a spirit guiding me. Now I still hear things but I think it's my mother-in-law speaking to me from the great beyond.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it's not easy for me to talk about in 3d and it's hard to talk about at the forums sometime, so you just sorta opened up a flood gate. LOL..SORRY!!!!!

Sometimes I just think I want someone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Anyway, just wanted to welcome you to the forums and it's great to see you jumping right in!

Take Care and Many Blessings,
Kimberly.

[Malady156]

KTP, my father was not my abuser. I had many abusers but my father was not among them. He was one of the only people whom I felt actually loved me.

I'm not too big on the concept of "normal" either, and I know exactly what you mean. However at this point in my life I've been in a lot of turmoil and confusion and pain and I'm just very very tired of trying to make sense of it all on my own. I'm kind of like the main character Bruce Willis played in that movie 12 Monkeys who wants desperately to believe it's all a hallucination and that he can get well, because the alternative is ... well ... just too obscene to contemplate.

Thanks for welcoming me here. It's OK if you want to talk about your stuff, I enjoy hearing other people's experiences too.

Take care.
~Mal