Rebound .....

I hope that you did not take my comment as being rude or insensitive to you. That is the last thing that I would ever want. I care and maybe now looking back should not have posted.

Whatever you decide to I am 100% supportive. I was speaking for me and what I have gone through and I appologize for that.

Again I'm sorry if what I said was not sensitive.

I sooooo agree with Doggy!

(((Doggybonz))) if there was any anger there it was firmly directed at me not you - you never have and prob never will say anything that would upset me cos I know it comes from a caring place - so for you ok.

I am triggery posting - I am trying to start posting again - but it is soooo hard - cos I start to panic as soon as I log onto any thread - so forgive me if I am short sometimes .... its generally cos I have got too triggery to stay - am hanging on by a thread to this thread lol

I wish I hadnt promised T - but he makes me feel safe and when I was talking to him it seemed the right thing to do - in a way he was right - or I would have done some serious damage yesterday and today because I am so afraid......... maybe he knew that ...... dealing with memories of SA is putting me in a bad place - i cant stay any longer - my heart feels like it will jump out of my chestand my head feels like it will explode - so thankyou Doggybonz ans Sannah - I appreciate both of you answering my post

Hey - sorry i missed you... I thought I'd been watching for posts from you @_@ remember to breathe to ground - all the way into the floor. Imagine your feet as roots of a tree, holding you firm and providing you with nutrients. You are secure. Glad you came back in and posted.
Please take care, and PM any time.
Kiya

Thank you for posting P7.
I would never intentionally say anything to hurt you or cause you harm. Being in a triggery place is hard, you just never know what is going to cause as you know it's kinda like feeling you are reacting to life and that is scary. I'm sure the memories are tough, but as I have said before at least you having the courage to go through them.
As was said, try to keep yourself grounded, find things that make you feel good about yourself, read the cards around your house. 5 minutes through-out the day of creating some safeness for yourself. I am practicing the same thing so we can compare.

I'm happy that you found a therapist to work with. Remember you are going through a lot - so be gentle with yourself. Here is the good news, people here are going through it or have been through it and we care.

thanks Kiya, I needed to remember about grounding - its hard when you are out of control to remember what to do so that helped

Doggybonz - I am sorry you are having probs too - hang in there -

I am just scared all the time at the moment .... and most of the time I dont know why....

Yep - having stuff going on but that is kinda why I am here. To hear what others have to say and to hopefully be helpful.

I can relate to being scared all the time. I have been in a pretty bad panic and I have been carrying my meds even when a friend asked me to walk with her and her dog. That is usually when I feel the safest and right now I don't.

I guess I keep telling you to be gentle with yourself and find ways that allow you to feel safe b/c that is what I need to hear. Change is so hard and I wish someone would come up with a pill that made it easier. I would pay big time for that.

I wish there was something that I could tell you that would make it easier, I have this picture on my wall - it's this really cool piece photo and under I had the artist put "It's about the choices we make, the risks we take, the secrets we share and the love that fills our lives."

Right now none of that seems even remotely possible but those words have struck a nerve in me so something about it must be true.

From everything you have posted you are making awesome choices, taking incredible risks, sharing your secrets and the that black hole that you are feeling that right now is filled with fear will be filled with other things.

I like the its about the choices you make thing - I remember reading somewhere - we cant always choose what happens to us but we can choose how we react to it - somtimes its sooo hard to remember that - somtimes it seems that we have no choice in how we react and I guess that is what T is there to help us realise

stay safe Doggybonz -pm me if i can help ok

((((((((((((Phoenix, Doggybonz))))))))
Be gentle with yourselves and find things that help develope feelings of safety and wellbeing.
Kiya

and you too Kiya - thankyou

And this is where the fear is coming from???? Is there anyway for you to make a safe space for yourself???

yes I think so Sannah - at night when I lay down body memories come back to me - disconnected from events - so I dont want to sleep and not sleeping doesnt work for me.... I just have to get through it - thanks

Any ideas how to make a safe space for yourself?

did ask T if I could move into his office T is safe - Pdoc is safe -T's office is safe - pdoc's doesnt feel safe - too much noise outside -

I used to curl up under the covers with my sad teddybear and my kitties - but that is no longer safe for me....so ... no.... have no idea.....

Where else in your apartment can you make a sanctuary?

nowhere Sannah my place is a tip - I told T that its cos pigs live in a pigsty dont they! but I think pigs would keep a tidyer house

Have to get the energy and the motivation to do somthing.... soon.....

I will be ok - it will be ok - I just have to get through this thats all.

off to bed - hopefully with no dreams - night night

be safe be well be happy everyone

I still think that you can create a sanctuary somewhere in your home where you can feel safe. Place nice things there. Make a cozy little space. A retreat..........

i will try...

So weird that you said that about moving in with T. P7, you mentioned once that you do EMDR. My T does EMDR and we were talking about 2 weeks ago about how at times I feel "safe" in her office, it scares me b/c I don't want to leave and face reality but anyway for now we decided to do "safe place" there. I'm still having a hard time feeling safe but at least I'm trying not to disconnect. Could that be helpful?

As you know right now everything is triggering me but the other thing I have done (not sure if I told you) was to get flash cards that are spiral bound so that I could carry them with me. It's tough but I try to remember at least once a day to read a card. Right now nothing feels like it's working but at least that is another option I have.

UGH!!! I wish that I could tell you something more positive and uplifting but I can't and I'm sorry for that. But...I am here and although I can't promise that things are going to be fine I can tell you that...I am so grateful that you post and that you are on this board. You have allowed me not to feel so alone and that has meant so much.

(((((((((((((((((((( phoenix )))))))))))))))))))

Wow i blinked for a moment and there's a whole new page of posts in here!!
((((((((((((Phoenix!!)))))))))))))
dunno if this might help, but my old t told me to create my lil's safe space in one corner of my bedroom. So i did - I put an egg chair there with a my little pony fleece blankie, all her stuffed animals, a bunch of kids books, color books and crayons, and some toys. I also added good messages from me like "Welcome home", safe pictures that she identifies with, a note pad so she can write to me... and strung up lil lights around it so there is lots of nice soft white light. It is her special area and she can go there any time she feels scared. We curl up and read stories or just cry until the scary feeling passes.

((doggybonz))) hang in there - you can get through this - we alll can

((Fuzzybear))) thankyou for the hugs - you are kindness itself as always

(((Kiya))) my place really is a tip - but I wil try to clear a space - part of me thinks i dont deserve it though.... still...

T was supposed to ring me yesterday but didnt and hasnt rung yet today - will ring him if i dont hear from him in an hour or so cos its 5pm and I dont know what time my appt is for tomorrow - I know he's prob just busy - I feel safe with T - but T is not here and I cant remember his office...
I will be fine.

take care P7

update - T rang I see him tomorrow - part of me doesnt want to go cos I miss the safe feeling so much when I leave - maybe its better not to know what you have lost.

oh forgot to say I fell down today and banged my head - have a lump the size of a large egg on it - think i have mini concussion - blurrred vision - headache - feel a bit sick and dizzy - maybe it will have knocked some sense into my head - you never know - think i was a bit short with T on phone - but was dizzy at time - wanted to send him a text to say sorry but didnt know if it was ok to

this is just so hard.......

Hugs for everyone ok

Now how are you supposed to comfort and take care of yourself if you are being mean to yourself??????

old habits die hard Sannah.....

see T soon...am afraid..but then I seem to be afraid all the time anyway...