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#1
Jul 02, 2009, 06:08 AM
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So I havnt SI'd for a while - dont know how long - disassociating a lot - losing track of time an place - but ... and you knew there would be one
 I put myself in harms way - it was a way around my agreement to T not to hurt myself - I thought hey if someone else does it then I havnt broken my word  dumb dumb dumbdumb and did I say ,,, dumb...I told T - he was angry at my behavoiur but not at me and it ended up ok cos I wasnt hurt..... maybe I was just trying to say SEE T look how bad I really am now you can leave as I know you will..... I know I wanted to prove I wasnt a coward cos I ran when I was attacked a long time ago...... But I also wanted.... well I guess you can guess what I wanted... T says I did it cos I hate myself and he's right - but how do you stop..... he says dispute what I have taken to be facts and that he sees a good eperson and I said thats because you dont know me..... I keep cycling through this... why cant I just let it go.... I am sad and ashamed at how stupid my behaviour was...... maybe if someone reads this it will show them this is NOT the way to go - dunno..... its ok to read and NOT reply.
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!   (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture  )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
 fallenangel337
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#2
Jul 02, 2009, 06:36 AM
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P7, I wanted to reply to show you that I do care and that I want to help too
 Try not to beat yourself up so much about this. It was a slip up and I guess maybe you didn't feel ready to stop SI'ing yet? I don't know, but that's the way it seems, because you replaced one harmful thing with another. You keep cycling through it because you're used to doing it, you're used to cycing through it, I know it's hard to break that, honestly I do.. But if you want to break the cycle, you need to work hard - sorry if I sound harsh - I've been working my butt off in therapy and it's been noticed and it's paying off. It will soon pay off for you, too. I look forward to the day I can see written by you "it's paying off" In the meantime, you need to take care of you. I know I sound oh so hypocritical, but it is true... You deserve to be taken care of.. You've helped me so much and you've sat with me when I needed it, now it's my turn to sit with you and ask that you please take care of you, even if it's just today...  You deserve love and kindness.
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| phoenix7
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#3
Jul 02, 2009, 08:10 AM
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Quote:
Remember that goes for you too TPND
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
| ThePainNeverDies
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#4
Jul 02, 2009, 08:14 AM
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 (((((((((((((((((( phoenix ))))))))))))))))) You're far from stupid, please be gentle with my friend
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| phoenix7
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#5
Jul 02, 2009, 08:54 PM
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 Pheonix, that is fffffffffffaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr from stupid it's just dangeroustry to be safe and use those "DT skills" from DBTPM me anytime, especially when you need to vent keep me updated with how you are doing i don't want to just leave you without helping  keep me updatedit's ok to show your feelings but try to show them in a less dangerous way. I hope to chat soon dance59326
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"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown "To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment"  Thich Nhat Hanh |
| phoenix7
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#6
Jul 03, 2009, 01:13 AM
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its ok I'm safe - it was dumb...I realise that and I wont do it again... I am just disappointed that I did... I mean HOW OLD AM I !!!
answer very very very very old - I knew dinosaurs when they were just eggs!!!  T is helping me wiht tryng to dispute the things I was told as a child - funny I have so few memories yet I have to have the crappy one's where people say cruel things to me........ oh poor phoenix - pass the tissues! Phoenix sucks it up - looks at tag line - gets up and stops whinging! thanks P7
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#7
Jul 03, 2009, 01:43 AM
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T cares for you, we care for you...did you need proof?
I care for you Phoenix. It matters to me that you are safe. I'm glad you're doing so much better with the SI. Old, well worn and deeply grooved habits die hard. Hugs to you.
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 notz |
| phoenix7
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#8
Jul 03, 2009, 02:29 AM
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no, at the time it was a desperate act with no thought of anything other than the stopping of pain - yep I know how absolutely ridiculous that sounds -
 but my one brain cell had knocked off for the day.....I appreciate that people care I really do I am just starting to believe that T may care..does care too thats not why I did it.It was more to do with me not loving me and not wanting to be with me if - wanting to run away from me..... does that makes any sense to anyone - and thinking that I needed to be punished .... and didnt deserve anything good...... so i guess its a SI thing after all - So i guess I have answered the question about why I do these things - my buttons are still on self destruct ... now that I know that I can try to change the thoughts andfeelings that set those feelings off - although as you said they are ingrained.... and will take time.... thanks P7
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#9
Jul 03, 2009, 03:56 AM
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Thank you P7.
You know, we all do things that we know isn't such a good idea, but I'm glad that you're safe now and know that it wasn't a good idea. But we all do this, you can't let yourself keep beating you up. Take care of you.. You deserve better than what you had back then and I understand how hard it is now, trying to work through it. I care, a lot of people here care, otherwise we wouldn't reply to your posts! You're a very valued person here at PC. Someone once told me that recovery is like waking up from a nightmare and walking into a dream. Hold onto that Be kind to you today. You're a wonderful person and so deserve wonderful things
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| phoenix7
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#10
Jul 03, 2009, 04:57 AM
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Quote:
Im waiting for the dream to begin and the nightmare to end.
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#11
Jul 03, 2009, 10:19 AM
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((((((((((((((phoenix7)))))))))))))))) It's ok to feel like that, but how can you change that?
__________________
"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown "To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment" Thich Nhat Hanh |
| phoenix7
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#12
Jul 03, 2009, 06:57 PM
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I am trying Dance..... yes I know I am very trying lol
I cant think at the moment......
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
| dance59326
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#13
Jul 04, 2009, 06:52 AM
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I feel sadness, shame, regret, stupidity ~ but they are parts of me. It is not all of you and there are other parts that maybe could feel proud, courageous, and hopeful that you are talking about this stuff and wanting to get through it to create a different life. |
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#14
Jul 04, 2009, 08:12 AM
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You are very kind Doggybonz - make sure you take care of you too ok
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#15
Jul 06, 2009, 01:10 PM
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When you "need to be punished," what do you suppose would happen if you neglected or ignored that particular need? What I'm picturing is some kind of voice yammering at me, "You need to be punished... report for punishment immediately... two extra lashes for every minute you wait..." But if I were to say "Hello there, voice, thank you for letting me know. If I'm not there, go ahead and start without me." ...then what? The same thing with deserving. If you get something good without "deserving" it, does that mean it's sure to be taken away from you (with interest and penalties) or turn to **** or something -- or would you just find yourself in a conversation with a "give-it-back" voice like the one above? Again, how would the conversation go and what choices would you have about how it went? Or is there something more going on that I'm missing? Either way, I'm interested.
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| phoenix7
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#16
Jul 06, 2009, 04:09 PM
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I'm agreeing with all that's been said here, and I'm a little short on wisdom, but sending some hugs lovely (((((((((Phoenix)))))))))))
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| phoenix7
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#17
Jul 06, 2009, 06:14 PM
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ty Christina86
ty FooZe yep the give it back voice would be there - give it back cos you dont deserve it - one of the things that I had to do for homework was write out a letter to my family who had said things and done things and I .... it was very hard - because putting it on paper menat I had to admit it happened - yes I know how nuts that sounds - it was real - it did happen I know that - but i have never really admitted it to myself or the damage it caused.... I let it cause.... to me. I have done that now - the letter that is - the accepting s still processing - it still hurts - but it will get better.... the self destructive voices and the ones that I say I dont deserve anythinng come from that time... and the fact that as a child I accepted they were right..... and still partially do.... working on that.... it feels like im shutting down - withdrawing from.....dunno ...everything...
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
| Christina86
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#18
Jul 07, 2009, 10:46 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
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#19
Jul 07, 2009, 07:03 PM
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 Great job, it does take a lot of work and skills to be used Congratulations!Hope to talk soon,  dance59326
__________________
"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown "To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment" Thich Nhat Hanh |
| phoenix7
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#20
Jul 08, 2009, 05:11 PM
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((((((((((phoenix)))))))))))))) it takes a lot of courage to write out a letter of stuff.
(I've done two in my life, one to my stepdad and one to my mom - obviously didnt give it to them... I'll probably do others in the future)
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| phoenix7
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#21
Jul 09, 2009, 04:40 AM
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so had T today - he made me laugh - he said since I had given up chocolate from last week when we did the visualisation he had eaten lots of it!! - siad it was the first known case of chocolate transference in therapy lol
then we got into heavy stuff...... and it hurt..... and he didnt have a cushion for me to hug (yes I know grow up p7) and I kept changing the subject and he kept changing it back   and it hurts..... but he siad i did a great job with the homework and that a lot of people just either read the chapter and dont do the homework or just say its too hard - so he said "well done" it was so difficult to tell him part of me is still wanting to self destruct when I know he is sick adn is trying to live..... and I wasnt going to ...but he kept asking.... ad I wish I hadnt .... but its the truth - its a small part of me now instead of most of me - but it still self sabotages... in other ways................ this is so hard.... I gave T a copy of the poems I wrote here.... I think that was a mistake...... tooo late now
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#22
Jul 09, 2009, 05:12 AM
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It takes time and patience, not to mention work too. But you'll get there, I can promise you that!
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| phoenix7
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#23
Jul 09, 2009, 11:11 AM
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It's ok phoenix7, yes the urges are still there, but you have to look at it from a different direction. Take a blast through the past and see how far you have come through working things out by yourself as well as with your therapist. It was a good deed to let him see your poems because you can express yourself through words instead of talking out loud. When you write, your emotions and feelings as well as thoughts can stand out and give him more things to look at for when he sees you and tailor it out to give you the best shot at your session as possible.
I'm wishing you the bestdance59326
__________________
"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown "To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment" Thich Nhat Hanh |
| phoenix7
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#24
Jul 09, 2009, 01:27 PM
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Quote:
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| phoenix7
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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