Things are falling apart

Sigh. It's getting harder and harder to resist SI now. I've gone without it now for just over two months, and I keep thinking that I'll feel better if I cut - and then try to persuade myself that I won't. I want to do it and I don't want to pay attention to the distractions that are put up. But then I also don;t want to do it, and I'm not sure if my willpower can hold out. Things are coming too much here, and there's nothing I can do about it but try to ride it out without crashing completely.

My university course is on the line because I keep missing classes because I can't be bothered to leave the house, and I have tonnes of overdue work and there is more to come - and also I have exams in a month. I'm afraid I might get kicked out. And then there's the whole keeping it secret from my family thing. Hiding my depression, SI, school marks, counselling. Lying about my school work and what I do in my time. Lying about my emotions. I'm fed up of hiding things and I wish that I could just tell my dad for once how things are. But this is my second attempt at university - I had to withdraw the first time because of my depression - and this year, he told me that I had to get this right, that this was my only chance. So it began with me hiding the continuing depression from him so that he wouldn't get worried - and besides he thinks that depression can be solved by positive thinking - and now it's up to hiding depression, work, counselling sessions, scars, etc, etc.

I know this is just a big rant but I'm fed up of it. I'm finally considering antidepressants now things have got so bad and that will be just another thing to hide. If he found out about antidepressants, he would be hurt and angry. If he found out about all the university stuff, he would be furious, think that I had 'gone behind his back' - which he thought last time too, and which hurt me so much - he might even kick me out over it. Besides constantly harrying me over it, which would make my depression worse. So I've got to think about all this, and then cope with thoughts of SI and suicide, and then try to hold myself together without falling apart, and it's just not working anymore.

silver_queen, i hope that you won't cut.......i know you're tempted to and i understand that it's hard to not do...is there anyone that you can talk to? counselor at school? do you have enough $ that you could go to a therapist and your dad wouldn't know. it sounds like you really need to have an evaluation and then perhaps meds.....i'm so sorry that you're hurting now and i hope i've helped. i have to go to bed now..early work..but i'll be around tomorrow evening...xoxo pat

silver,

I had no idea you had so much going on that you are not able to talk about IRL. I am so sad reading this thinking of how much pressure you're putting yourself under by keeping all this quiet. Please continue using methods of coping that are not harmful. You've come so far!!

Based on what you've been writing about perhaps it is time for a med. evaluation for antidepressants.

How often is your counselling? Is she/he helpful to you?

Honey, I'm rather without words to say. I wish I could change things for you. I wish I could bop your pop on the head and knock some sense into him. Siiiiiiiiiigh.

(((silver_queen))) don't worry about the future or invite those future worries into your thinking. For now if it feels like things are falling apart and not working anymore then slow it down, take a breath and let out some of what's inside.

You've already done that with your above post.

take care sweetie

Pat... thanks. I've been seeing a university counsellor weekly since November, and I was meant to have one this week but I cancelled it since I didn't want to have to talk about academic work, SI and suicide with her, and face the possible depersonalisation thing that happens sometimes after hard sessions. I'm currently trying to get an NHS psychologist meeting, and I have a meeting with a psychiatrist booked for this coming Monday. Hope that answers your questions. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

zh, thanks for your reply.

i don't mean this to sound bad and I am sure you have good intentions here, but to me when you say "I am so sad reading this thinking of how much pressure you're putting yourself under by keeping all this quiet" - it reads to me like you think i'm stupid for putting myself under so much pressure when i don't have to. I really think you don't mean that and I think it's more likely to me my skewed thinking - but i thought i should raise that point for you to clarify, if you will.

other than that, i do really appreciate your advice and encouragement and I'm glad you took the time to reply.

oh dear me no! I do not mean you are stupid for being under this pressure. Having to keep things secret is an additional pressure that is so hard but sometimes we have to for whatever reasons. I have had to in the past.....it wasn't a healthy or happy time for me back then

Lemme try to explain......you have written reasons why you keep a lot of these issues secret based on your living situation and your father. I feel badly that in addition to all the pressures you face this secret must be kept up as well.

It doesn't mean I think differently about you at all! I wish we all lived in a world where we could speak freely and live freely with our illnesses w/o stigma or whatever reasons compel us to not reveal our whole selves to others.

I do not think you are stupid rather that you are very insightful to be aware that things are getting more difficult and that you are considering adding more support on board (antidepressants). That sounds smart to me lady!

Can I speak as one person who lives with major depression to another who is currently depressed? Yah, it is more likely the skewed thinking of the DISEASE!! not you sweetpea!!

we cool silver?

((((((((((Silver))))))))))

Do you remember the distractions we talked about? I'm here if you need me. I'm so very sorry that you're having a hard time.

Ry

((((((((((zh)))))))))))

I'm glad you explained what you meant. I was sure you would. Thanks. Things are fine between us . No worries.

Thanks, ((((((((((Ryan))))))))))).

{{{{{{{{{Silver}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry that your father doesn't understand the dis-ease that you are suffering with, and the support that it takes to overcome it. There is no shame in having struggles and needing help (wow - I wish I could tell that to myself and accept it). It's true though. You are not to blame for having depression and for coping with it as best as you can. It isn't fair to deny you opportunities (or threaten to) on that basis. Maybe meds will help you. There is no shame in that either. I'm glad that you are turning to professionals for help, and also reaching out here where there are people who understand.

Thanks for your understanding, ((((((((((Rap)))))))))).

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Silver)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((( Silver )))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pressure...You're in my thoughts...

Please take good care
Eva

Thanks ((((((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))))) and ((((((((((((((((Eva))))))))))))))).

I got through last night without Si'ing, which is good. Just got to try to get through tonight and the whole weekend. But then, even if it does happen, it's not the end of the world...

Silver, that's a wonderful attitude. If you slip, well then you slip. I mean try not to obviously, but you're right and I need to adopt that attitude. Thanks sweetie.

Ry

((((((((((((((((((((((Silver))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're under so much pressure, and I realise that you're counsellor isn't as helpful as it could have been. I wish I could take away your pain but I can't.

Good going with the SI though

I'm here to 'talk'(probably more like listening cause i never know what ot say) if you need me.

take care.

your attitude is really great. a slip is just a slip....i'll look for you here tonight and this weekend. xoxo pat

((((((((((((Ry))))))))))))

I'm glad it's of some help to you. Thanks for all your support .

((((((((((((((jet)))))))))))))))

The fact that I know I can talk to you about it is enough... you do fine .

Thanks for all your support, pat. I really do appreciate it .

Silver, you've got my undying support as well as from everyone here. You help so many... we'd be wrong not to help you in your time of need.

Ry

Thanks, ((((((((((Ryan)))))))))) and (((((((((((everybody)))))))))).