I guess I'll post

Hi, I'm a cutter. I have been for 2 years. I don't usually post a whole lot about my cutting because of many reasons:

I don't know what to say.
I am always ashamed of what I've done.
I feel like there is nothing anyone can do about it.
I don't like talking about it because it triggers me.
I hate my scars.
I hate feeling helpless.
I hate not being "normal."
I hate hiding myself from everyone.
I hate pretending to be "ok" when I feel like my world is falling apart.
I hate the stares and the questions I get when I actually show my scars in public.

So I deny alot of what I do. I deny myself. I pretend things are fine until I'm alone and then I cut, drink, both, etc.

Anyway, I thought' I'd post something. I've been drinking tonight. I don't think I'll cut tonight.

Hi Katileena, I am sorry that you are in distress........ (And welcome!)

Are you in therapy? I have found it to be helpful

Katileena,

First of all ! I am so sorry you are feeling all those things. Way to go with Posting! You know what, the things you listed I have very similar feelings. If you would like to there is a Grounding Skills Chat on Wednesdays at 7:00 pm est and you are always welcome there and at any chats of course.

I am so glad your sharing yourself healing has really going and yes to you have a therapist because they can help Big Time!

Glad your here and ALIVE!!!!!
ThaCrew

I am trying to find a therapist...but every time I make an appointment I get really afraid and end up finding an excuse not to go....ugg...

I would love to come to Wed nights but I work every wednesday

Anyway...I'm not doing well tonight...whenever I drink I get very emotional...and tonight I saw my ex....and he didn't say a word to me...and it's triggering me so bad...I think I'm going to cut tonight....I'll try my best not to...maybe I will talk to my roommate...but idk...I'm so shy and so scared of talking to ppl about my cutting becuz they just freak out....that I have stopped relying on others and have reverted to dealing myself...

Sorry you saw your ex and he did not say a word to youYou are not just relying on yourself, you are letting the psychcentral.com community into your heart, because we care deeplyplease write more, what kind of excuses do you use to not see a therapist? If you read here, you will find most of us are in therapy, and get a LOT out of it, you would not be so alone in your feelings, your therapist would help you deal with all of them, please don't give power to excuses.....

Many people come here and talk about their fears before their appts. and this helps them to make it there..........

I made it through the night last night without cutting! I called a friend of mine and at first he didnt answer but then he called back and let me talk vent which helped alot. He stayed on the phone with me for a good hour and a half. I wish I had more friends like that.

Now for excuses: Oh there's many. One biggie is I can't afford to go to a therapist at the local psych clinic because even with insurance its $45 a session which as a student struggling just to pay rent....really isn't possible. So I could go to the school counselors, which I've tried. I went to two different ones already both who didn't really help me the way I needed...so I stopped going. Maybe I didn't give them enough chance, but I didn't feel a connection with them and when I told them about my cutting they asked if I was suicidal and just made assumptions that upset me.

There is a different counselor I could try. I made an appointment with her last week but then I had a bad night and couldnt get up in time for the appointment. I should reschedule, but I feel bad for missing the first one. See, I tend to avoid most people that I think I may upset or disgruntle. But it doesn't help me...how do you change? I know I need help I am trying to reach out for it from friends but they don't see it or they just dont care...so maybe it is time to find someone who will care.

YEp, I find that people confuse cutting with suicidal ideas. It is totally different. It can be annoying. I have found my own reasons for NOT CUTTING. Having my children ask questions is just one of them. Focusing on them is so helpful. Unfortunately, I don't care what anyone else thinks, so that wasn't a helpful deterent. God has been so gracious, sending me people that are non-judgemental. I am glad you have a friend that you can talk to.

So are you going to reschedule and let us support you as much as needed until your first appt?

What if you just don't feel supported? Sure these forums help me, but they won't replace real ppl in my life...

Just...I have friends...but none of them can deal with my cutting. If I tell them, they either freak out and change the subject, tell me I should stop, or just say "I understand" but don't help me any further. Like really....how do you get a support system?? I can't rely on friends...obviously...and my family...well, they mean well, but I know they couldn't handle if I told them I was still cutting....so I lie and say I'm over it.

Ugg....what do I do. I've tried reaching out to a few friends but they just don't seem to get it or understand the kind of support I need. I'm almost done trying...and just accepting the fact I'll always be like this.

idk...advise? And yes...I know I need to see a therapist....I'm building the courage...it's just taking a little longer then I wish it would.

I have found therapy to be very very helpful, as if the moment I got up the courage to make the call..my very life changed.....it is a hard call to make, yet if you feel you have to lie...your T is the one person you can be completely honest with.....and the more honesty one has in their life..their life improves tenfold..

I know it's hard..but please build courage up to make the appt....tell yourself, I CAN do this, and I can do this for ME, because I love and care about myself