Feel like...

...scum. I feel like the worst person in the world.

I didn't cut this time, but in my eyes what I did was far, far worse.

I hadn't ate all day...and then friends invited me out drinking so I went. I guess I had too much becuz half the night I don't remember at all. The other parts are little faded memories in and out....a snap shot of me crying on the concrete outside some bar...another of me stumbling in a dark neighborhood alone...lost....not knowing where the f*** I am or how I got there....or why I'm alone. Then, somehow...I still am torturing myself trying to figure it out...I'm at my car, which was (in my sense of direction) miles away from where I had been lost. Then, I drive home (I already know how lucky I am to make it safely in my condition.) Stumble up my stairs, then sit in my hallway crying, so ANGRY at myself...I wanted to cut. I grabbed my blade...holding it to my leg. But my roommate was there, so he talked to me, got me to stop. So instead I kicked a hole through my wall. I was so, so angry...I still am...I don't know why I got so drunk or why I act the way I do when I'm drunk. But I feel completely and utterly sick about what I did. It makes me hate myself even more...and feel even less worthy of any friends. I feel like I should just stay in my room forever because atleast then I won't hurt anyone, except myself. I'm ok with hurting myself...but I never, ever, ever want to hurt another human being.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm trying to ignore what happened and move on. I already patched up the hole I kicked...but a patch won't really fix my problem will it? That hole is still there...it's just hidden from view...hidden from people to judge....eventually someone will bump it and kick it in again....then I'll have problems.

Anyway....I've been needing a good rant about what happened...I have no one to really talk to about it becuz I'm afraid what they'll do if I tell them.

Does anyone have any advice? I really would love to see a therapist, but I can't pay for it. My mom is taking me off insurance this month because I'm not a full time student anymore. I'm suppose to be graduating in a month too so going to the school counselor won't help much becuz I won't be eligible to continue seeing her shortly anyway! AHHHH

Hello there,

Im sorry you are feeling so low - and im sorry that that happened - but i am very happy that you are safe and that you didnt cut.

I want you to do somthing for me ok... I want you to stop beting yourself up about this - it happened - noone was hurt - and you cant change the past - what you can do is learn from it ok

i am glad your flatmate was there to help you not cut - im glad you got home safe.

I dont know if youve read the stickies at the top of this page or the ones at the top of the PTSD board - but if you havnt then reading them can help

If you hurt yourself it will only start the cycle again - think ot yourself if my friend said to me what i am saying what would i say to him or her?

please be kind to you - because you are worth it - we all make mistakes - geez if i had 10 cents for every mistake id made id have all the money in the world lol

I will check in as soon as i can to see how you are going - i am off to work now and then have a course in the evening - so please keep in touch ok - take care

P7

(((katileena)))

There are mental health clinics that base their fees on patient's income in every state & most counties of U.S. Try that avenue. If the local sliding scale fee mental health clinic wants more than you can pay, start with a counselor at your school. They can at least direct you to local resources when the time comes.

Try not to focus on what you did the other night. When the shame and self-hate kick in, remind yourself that we all make mistakes sometimes. We aren't evil. We don't deserve the misery that we put ourselves through for those mistakes either. We need to work hard to forgive ourselves and let it go. If letting go only works for moments at a time, then that we need to accept that, and continue to work upon accepting. When the dark thoughts enter your mind, snap a rubber band around your wrist; rub an ice cube; some kind of physical change to snap you out of the negative pattern you may find yourself in.

Hope that this post helps you in some way. I can relate to the emotions you're struggling with. I often battle these very dark feelings too, and am merely in the beginning of recognizing these tendencies I have. It is a long road, I presume, but admitting and working on the problem/s with a professional is a wonderful beginning.

Shez

This ^ is a powerful metaphor..........

All of our actions are purposeful. Everything that we do is for a reason. Understanding the reasons, and thus, yourself, are how you can begin to problem solve. Shezbut had a lot of good therapy ideas. Keep us posted?

Yes I'm one for metaphors...

Thanks for all of your words of wisdom...sorry I didn't reply too quickly but life is hectic. I was feeling quite overwhelmed again this weekend so instead of doing anything destructive I ended up spending 6 hours painting. Just me, the paint, and the canvas...no brushes...nothing to take away from the raw emotion of it...what I painted scares me, but I guess it helped release some of my built up anger. I went to the store the other night and bought more canvases....I keep them around in hope that when I'm feeling like cutting, instead I'll grab some paint.

that is brilliant you painted instead of hurting yourself yay!!!!!!



I know its still scary for you - but you did a really good thing

Hi Katileena- I am also glad you painted instead of cut. What a fantastic idea! I havent painted in a long time, but Id love to do that, too! See, you helped someone else

You are deserving of all good things. How can you get some counseling? Have you given it some more thought? There must be a way

Aww thanks BlueMoon6 It makes me happy to know I helped someone else. Yes, you should paint! It is so wonderful of a feeling for me...it makes me feel proud of myself...a feeling I lack most to all of the time. If there's one thing, and only one thing keeping me from completely hating myself, it's my art. No one can create what I create, becuz its a part of me! In a way my painting IS me! I don't think alot of people understand that about art...its all emotion.

I wish I could figure out a way to get counseling. Maybe I should make an appointment with the school counselor. For a little bit last spring I was going to go see a psychiatrist at the local hospital, but I stopped going n stopped taking the meds they put me on becuz they made me feel more crazy and emotional! Maybe I can try going back, but like I said, my parents will be kicking me off their health insurance in less then a month...then I join the other 45 million uninsured ppl in this country >.< can anyone say healthcare reform?? lol

Good problem solving Kati! You don't have to take medications unless you want to. Therapy is a must, though.

seeing theschool counciller could help - thats a great idea - and if you can see someone even for a omnth it may help too - any help may be better than none

take care

P7

Not feeling good....no one is online to chat with....feeling like cuttiing is a good solution to the numbness I feel....does anyway in here feet like the numbness they feel could be substituted by sex???!? I feel like that sometimes....like the hate I feel toward myself n the numbness I feel could be ignored if i just ****ed the first guy I saw

well sh** I wanna die....**** it.....I feel like I shouldnt be here

it doesnt matter in the end....Im alone....in my room....in my own world....here by myself, what I do only affects myself... maybe I could put myself in a psych ward...but I wont. i guess I dont care....you dont care...no one cares....everyone can just go on as they feel free.... no one will ever see the cuts I hide, no one will ever see what I see everyday...no one will ever feel the shame I feel every ****in day.....

If there was someone else here, maybe i wouldn't feel so insane, but given the current circumstances, no one is here to help, so Im going insane....let me go insane.....

Kati, I am sorry that no one was here yesterday.

This is how it works with those with sex addictions. Like any addiction, you do it to help you deal with your feelings.

How are you today?

doing better since I'm home....I was having a bad night last night, that usually happens right before I go home to see family...idk...i guess I just feel the pressure when I go home.

That makes perfect sense. Anticipation is the worst. I am glad that you are feeling better......

((((((((((((((((((katileena))))))))))))))))))))


I want to give you hug right now, but I can't so I suppose virtual ones are the next best thing...

How are you doing today?

I recently bought a book at amazon entitled The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion (freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions) by Christopher K. Germer, PhD
Personally, I think it is a great book and I am in the process of rereading it right now with my highlighter pen. It only cost a little over $10 minus the S&H at amazon. If you are a student study it. Kind Regards, Shoe

i feel terrible today. i recently gave up alchol, drugs, smoking, and sex at all once because one of my friends asked me to be his girlfriend. i didn it mostly for him, but in turn its going to help me and i know it. i used to cut all the time, i have ragged scars on my legs and the inside of my elbows. i cut for the pain, not because i wanted to kill myslef, i felt like i deserved to be punished because of hte things that i had done and caused... i always feel worthless, like i am never good enough.
i stopped cutitng a little while back but i just replaced it with sex. i had sex with guys years older than me... that wouldnt be a big problem but i am only 17 years old right now. ive slept with five different men in the last three years, the oldest was a 26 year old. i was only 16.
i know some people are going to look at this and think that im just another teenage sob story because thats what most peopl think when they hear my story. they say thats its not anything that any pther teenage girl has to go through... but i cant handle it. i cant handle all the stress and its killing me... i just started on here so im sorry if i kinda took away some help from you katileena, but i also wanted to let u know that i know what your going through somewhat. though it may not be much coming from some sick teen out there... i know

I used to be really self destructive when I was younger. Males tend to abuse alcohol and drugs where females tend to cut I read some where once. I would drink to excess and have black outs. I had 2 DUIs within 6 months of each other. I OD and almost died a half a dozen times on Heroin.
Some of my friends used to joke that I wouldn't live to be 30. When I was about 26 the psychiatrist that I was seeing decided it would be a good idea for me to go through the detox program that the hospital had. I was upset about that and I asked him if he thought that I was an alcoholic. He was always real honest with me and said,"No, but I do think that you are trying to kill yourself." I just looked at him like what are you talking about. Later, when I was going through the detox program I started thinking about the drunk driving and the times that I OD on Heroin and I came to the conclusion that my psychiatrist was right; unconsciously I was trying to kill myself. Another psychiatrist was lecturing to us drunks in the detox ward and said that some times anger is guilt turned outward. Sometimes instead of turning the anger outward we turn it inward towards ourselves and become self destructive. I know now why I was feeling guilty and I have come to accept myself because I am only human like everyone else.
I will soon be 58 and I have been clean and sober for a long time now.
If I can help you guys further in anyway please feel free to reply or PM me for more details. Kind regards, Shoe

Hi guys...

I havn't been on the forums in a few days.

Shoe your words are encouraging. I kind of feel like that....like I'm trying to kill myself. But I don't really want to die...I want to live...I want to live happily. I just don't know how I will get from where I am now (misery, cutting, drinking, depression) to happiness.

Yeah, the step by step stuff is the most important. To figure out your first step you have to figure out where you are now. This requires acceptance of where you are now (deal with the denial) and understanding of where you are and of yourself and how you got to this place.