[beatlesmarley]

I thought I was getting better. I hadn't cut for almost 2 months. It used to be every day. I was feeling...actually happy for a bit. It's all gone. Something changed. I don't know what. I don't think, except for about ending it. I don't feel. Well. I do. Only if I make myself feel. I only feel empty, alone. I feel like my brain and my heart are just black holes, drowning in emptiness. I cut three days ago. And two. And 1. And today. More then ever before. And I can't stop. When I'm somewhat comprehending everything, I know that this isn't truly what I want. But I can't stop. It always gets back down to the lowest point, always lower then before. What am I supposed to do? Sorry for this. I just needed to get it out. And see what others think would possible help.

[KeepHoldingOn]

SI is very much so an addiction. I suggest you get help if you haven't already done so. I'm glad that you realize that you don't want to keep cutting because recognizing that is the first step to healing. Admitting it here proves that you want to do something about it and for that I am proud of you. The decision to stop SI'ing will change your life in so many ways. It will be a long and hard journey but it is so worth it in the end. You've fought it before, you can do it again.
Finding someone you can trust and talk to like a T will benefit you greatly. You don't have to do this alone.

Do you remember exactly how you felt before and after you cut? If so you might want to try writing it down and going from there.

Best wishes!

-Moon

[AShadow721]

Beatlesmarley, what you describe about your actual emotions...you are numbing yourself. I'm very familiar with it. I do it all the time. I think that happens when we self-injure too. We want to forget about the pain on the inside. To do that, we put so much pain on the outside to distract ourselves from our true feelings. I haven't cut in over 2 years and I don't think I ever could again. So if you need support in quitting, I'm here. But part of this was because I was pregnant and now I am a mother, I realize I don't deserve that. When I was cutting as a teenager, my mom used to show me pictures of me when I was a baby. She would say, "You're doing this to my baby. Why do you want to hurt her?" That really moved me. I hope you could look at younger pictures of you and realize, that you are the same person, the same child, just grown. I hope it helps. I hope I'm not giving you terrible advice. If it sounds like it'll make you too upset, don't do it. It might make you cry, but you know, it's okay to feel sad. And don't beat yourself up about it. You'll get there someday, someday you'll quit hurting yourself. Just be careful, and know there are people in your life that really do care about you. You should talk to a therapist if you aren't already. A therapist could really help you. They really care and you can trust to tell them anything, they won't judge you.

[beatlesmarley]

I used to see a therapist, but then it seemed like whatever she said was on the side of other people. My parents for example. I didn't know if this was something I'm allowed to post here since this is not the abuse forum, but my mom used to be majorly physically abusive, and is now very mentally abusive. I have never told anybody that in person except for one close friend. And nobody except for whoever reads this knows about my cutting. I also maybe should have said that my therapist diagnosed me with either bipolar disorder or depression during one of the last times I saw her. (I was seeing her for family problems, nothing else.) So now I'm wondering if the stop was really a stop, or if it was just mania stage in bipolar. And I don't know if I can find someone I trust who can help. I feel like everybody is out to get me, and like I can't trust them. That's why I haven't told anybody about my cutting.
That's lucky you stopped. It hurts so much. But it feels like the only way to get by. I don't know/think I'm strong enough to be able to stop. I have tried before during my "depressive stage" and I can't. It's one of the only things I can think about. Nobody knows about it because I've learned to cover my feelings up and keep them on the inside so nobody worries. Looking at my baby pictures only makes me feel even worse about myself, the way I am, the way I look and everything else. I don't know what's wrong with me. And i'm kind of scared. Are there other ways to quit? I'm worried that one of these times I might not stop, and I might keep going. Because it doesn't seem like too bad of a decision.
Sorry. I just needed to say all of this and get it out. Sorry.

[moonrise]

I don't have any words if wisdom for you, but I know how you feel. Safehugs.

[AShadow721]

Please don't be sorry for speaking your mind. We are here to listen, okay? You know, I was actually thinking your mother was abusive to you when I read the other thread you posted. i think you can just sense it, that other people are like you. I also thinking that people that have been physically abused can become desensitized to pain, so it is easier for them to cut. I could understand why your mother wouldn't help you get you own therapist or let you talk to the therapist by yourself, because she's afraid you'll tell on her. How is your other parent to you? Is he/she nicer than your mom? Could he/she help you or could another family member? The only thing you can do is try to do is do other things that can calm you down, instead of cutting. Like going to take a walk, hanging out with friends, etc. There's a whole list of things on a sticky in this forum that you can do instead of cutting. Try to stay around more people that care about you and don't scare you. Try not to let yourself be alone too much, so that you don't have as many opportunities to. Could you talk to a school counselor? Your mom wouldn't have know about it. Plus, you get to get out of class for a little while. I used to do that when I went to school. I loved it, I was always so excited to go and take a break from classes and talk about my issues. You can go down to the school office before school starts, they usually have a little paper to fill out, like what time you want to see the counselor and why you need to talk to her/him. My school counselor suggested using a red maker on my arm instead of cutting. I don't remember if I ever tried it. Keep posting so we know how you are. (((hugs)))

[beatlesmarley]

Mhm. I just apologize because I'm just used to messing up, and I feel bad for just blabbering about my stupid problems and wasting people's time. Yeah. That makes sense about the sensing, and desensitizing. I can barely feel them anymore, and they've definately gotten deeper. Another reason I posted on here. My dad is...well he doesn't hit me. But he doesn't help either. He will either just sit there and watch, go upstairs and watch TV, or go to sleep, like nothing wrong is happening. So he's no help either. My other family member live in other states, except for my grandma, who I would not want to bother with this since her husband recently died. Yeah. Sometimes that stuff works. But when it gets really bad, I assume you might know this, but I'm not sure, it's just too hard to do something else. And a lot of them, like bathing, or stabbing paper or something is the last thing I want to do, as I would probably end up drowning myself, or at least getting close. Yeah, I try to stay away from my house, and with friends, but my mom just grounds me, and makes that impossible. I guess I could try talking to my school counselor, but I'm scared. Isn't there a law that says if I say something about harming myself she has to tell my parents or the police? I don't want that to happen, and I don't trust that she wouldn't.
I hate just talking about myself like this, I feel like I'm not listening to any advice, saying excuses for why it won't work, and like I'm just being stupid. I am listening and taking in everything said by anybody. I'm sorry if it doesn't seem like it. I just don't know.

[AShadow721]

Your problems are not stupid, you just feel like they are because you have been abused and you are used to no one caring about your feelings, but there people do care and don't feel like you are wasting their time. Don't you see that we are taking the time to read what you have to say? I care, because I have been there and know the feelings you have been feeling. There are people like me who find happiness in helping others. Some parents, especially abusers and neglecters seem to only care about their own problems and that can make their children feel like their feelings and problems don't matter. Well, you know what? They do. You do matter and so do all your feelings and problems.

You need to find a professional to talk to since you are getting worse and feel like there's no way to stop and your not getting any help from home. You know, I think you should try talking to your grandma. She may be in a lot of pain, but she's probably also very lonely and could use the interaction with someone she loves. Maybe she would like to help you. I'm sure she could understand the pain you feel, and would like you to not be hurting. I can understand your mom is controlling, and you are probably scared to disobey her or tell her how you feel. I don't really know what you could do about that. Just work on getting enough money to leave once you turn 18.

Yes, there is a law that the counselor has to tell if you feel like you will hurt yourself or someone else, or if someone is hurting you. You can tell her about cutting, but you will have to sign a paper saying that you will not hurt yourself. I believe it is mostly about SI though. If you sign that paper, she is not allowed to tell anything. Individual therapy is supposed to be 100% confidential, excluding current or possible future violent acts. I can understand your fear of trusting people, but most therapists are the most trustworthy people you will ever meet. I found it very hard to trust therapists until I really needed too. You have to take the risk to trust one so that maybe she can help you get better. You were so strong to survive and deal with the physical abuse as it was going on. You are strong enough to do this for yourself. You really need to work through the original problem, what made you want to start hurting yourself so that you can stop.

I can understand not wanting to do anything else. I have felt at times that cutting was my only option. There was nothing that could make me feel better. I didn't want to stop. I couldn't comprehend how other people thought it was possible for me to do something else instead. But I had the worst depression when I was cutting. I think it just made me feel so much worse. It helped me to just wallow in my depression. I can understand that taking a bath is not a good idea, try sitting in the shower instead. Think about sunshine and smiles. You need to get out in the sun. I know it's winter, but the sun still comes out. Did you say if you are on medication yet for your bipolar? If not, B vitamins and Omega-3's are really good. I also find fruit juice to help me when I'm depressed.

[beatlesmarley]

Mhm. I'm sorry. I see that you care. I didn't mean to make it sound like I didn't think so. I'm just not used to it, so it's hard to know how to say it all. And I appreciate your support and caring.
I guess I could talk to my grandma. I'm just scared she would be too freaked out to do anything, and would just tell my parents. She wouldn't believe about the abuse. And on multiple occasions I've heard her say that she thinks people that cut themselves are weird, and don't belong. I'm not sure whether she would help. But I guess it's worth a try. I just don't want to lose touch with yet another member of my family and I'm scared she would judge me, and that's exactly what would happen. Should I just try to find someone on my own? Are 16 year old's able to hire therapists on their own? And yeah. I guess I'm getting a job again this summer, if I make it that long, which will be good I guess.
So if I sign that paper I can tell her anything and she can tell nobody? Even if I tell her all of my true feelings? Mhm. I'm just scared that whoever I end up talking to will just judge me and disregard what I say, and tell me to just stop. I'm scared to tell anybody about cutting because I think they are just going to think I'm weird. I have no idea what made me start. I think it might have been just completely hating myself, or wanting to die. I can't say for sure. These are some main reasons I still do I guess. That and wanting to control what I feel instead of others controlling me, and to feel on the outside instead of the black on the inside.
Yeah. Ok. I'll try that. Once I tried getting into a shower of burning hot water so I would feel the pain but not bleed. I guess that works. Or not. I don't know. I don't..I just don't know. And no, I'm not taking anything. I probably should though. But I'm not. Got it. Juice, vitamins and Omega3. I'll work on those I guess. Thanks.

[AShadow721]

Is your grandmother your mother's mother or your father's mother? Most of the time abuse runs in families. I don't think that she wouldn't believe you, but I think she might get offended or tell you it's not as bad as you would tell her it is. But of course, when we are abused, we typically make yourselves think it's not that bad so that we can deal with it. Maybe you don't have to tell her about your cutting, maybe you could just tell her about how upset you've been lately. I know you'll tell her what you feel like you can tell her.

I'm sure you could get your own therapist on your own. You're your own person. I don't think you need your parent's permission to talk to someone. But talking to the school counselor would be better if you like her since it's free. If you ever bring up feelings of harming yourself, the counselor will ask you to sign a paper to promise you won't hurt yourself. I signed hundreds of papers like that, my mother was never told about it, unless she was there with me. But that was at a regular therapist office. But yes, you can tell the counselor anything and she will not tell anybody. Therapist are there to listen. They are paid to listen. They went to school to understand just about any problem you could have. They have talked to cutters before. They understand all the feelings you are feeling. They know it's hard to stop and they'll help you find out a way to stop.

There are reasons that you started hating yourself and wanting to die. It's goes farther back than that. When you were a baby, you loved yourself and wanted to live. You wanted to live so much, you probably didn't want to sleep. Something happened in between there that changed your mind. That is what you need to work through. Hopefully you could get on medication eventually. Hopefully, if you talk to your school counselor, she can help you form a plan of what to do. I believe B vitamins (B-Complex is the best, if you can't find that B-12) help with depression more, and Omega-3s helps more with stress. Tuna fish is a good source of Omega-3 if you like that. There's also something called Sam-E, which is like an anti-depressant, but I think it's a vitamin too.

[DiNozzo]

SI in all its forms is addicting, that i agree on, in your mind you think it helps coz your transfering mental/emotional pain into the physical which is easier to understand and cope with but in the end its just self defeating and brings on its own problems, how to hide the cuts, how to hide your first aid kit, what excuses you can give for when someone sees, this i know coz i have been there.
its always hard to give up a coping mechanism but this is one you really need to coz it can be a fine line to walk between coping and serious hurt.
everyone is different on giving up, for me i just threw away every blade i had and stopped so i can't advise you on that, you will need to find your own way to do it.
as for help i have no idea what the rules are in the states but in the uk if a therapist thinks you will harm yourself they must,by law, inform the authorities but that doesnt mean you can't get help, you dont even have to mention it, just skirt around it, but you do need to talk to someone, someone that YOU trust and is YOUR choice, but when you do you need to be as honest as you can or feel safe to do so.
its a hard path to walk but with small steps you can do it.

[beatlesmarley]

It's my dad's mom, my mom's parent's both passed away forever ago, so it's the other side. I guess I could. I'm just scared to tell. I don't want to scare her or give her a heart attack or something. She's struggling a bit heathwise, so I just don't know. Actually I'm kind of scared to tell anybody in person. I hate looking weak or crying in front of people. It feels...unsafe and weird. Like they will just laugh or take advantage or something. I want to get help, well..I do currently at least. Yeah I guess I can try talking to a therapist at school also. But still. I don't even know how to talk to someone about any of this at all. Am I supposed to just say I cut myself, hate myself, have suicidal tendencies, and have an abusive mom? Because that seems really scary to do. How do you tell people about any of this? That's true. I did used to love life and want to keep living. I did used to love everything and be happy. Even with the abuse. I was like that until...maybe 2.5 years ago? All of this stuff is pretty recent still. Well..if 2.5 years is recent. I don't know. Turns out I take vitamin B supplement pills. I didn't really connect the dots until just now when I googled vitamin b. again, sorry if it sounds like im not listening or something, i am.

Mhm. Again,definately true. Yeah.I hate dealing with scars. Recently I went way deeper then I meant to and it is extremely hard to hide.The thing is i can't really do that because i need to hide it from my parents so that would be obvious.And anyway,I use my nails half the time and I can't really throw those away.Mhm. Thanks.