SI'd & no control...which is the opposite of why I do it..grrr

I am stressed ... things aren't "right".

I was fighting and when I fight with this person it's draining ...awful.

I think about si in general, but now when i'm fighting of course it's a struggle all day even when I'm not fighting.

I don't want to cut...I don't want to see the scars. My legs were so bad from the last time I hate it. I think ok if i have to I'll cut my stomach maybe?

The person talks to me later. ..not fighting..just talking, but now my mind is surging...sorta feel like i'm losing it or I'm not sure what. I'm hyper...In my mind I'm saying random words over and over. Is that a distraction?

I'm in trouble. I know I am. I tell him. He's not sure what I mean. I don't really want to say. I just say talk to me...cuz that helps. Words are popping in my head...such as blah blah blah ..loud. Am i losing it?

I feel like I need to hold on...hold on for what i don't know.

If I cut ..will it even help? I don't even know wtf to do? Now I'm getting worse cuz of what is happening.

Too late ... i got the razor. I go for my stomach, but that doesn't work cuz i don't feel it the way i want to.

I go for my arm, but I don't want it bad b/c I don't want to "see" it. Make sense?

Well it must help a bit .. I guess...but now I'm talking and I'm not making sense. I'm confused and I'm confusing the person I'm talking to.

I need to go. I know I sound crazy, but I don't know...maybe someone else know what i'm talking about...and maybe that will help.

I haven't had to cut..and now i'm in trouble.

I totally understand. I switched to my stomach because of work but it is really hard looking at all the scars on my wrist. You don't sound crazy. I'm sure you and I are not the only ones who have ever felt that way.
((((((((((((((Eva))))))))))))))))

Thnx ickydog

*hugs*

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{eva}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I too have switched to my stomache for the summer.....but I am so self consciene of my scars on my arms....they stand out big time now that I am tanning from summer activities...you do NOT sound crazy at all....you and icky are not alone in your thinking...helps me to know I am NOT alone too...hang in there....

Thnx Hope

I hate that I see the cuts, but need the relief so bad at times...actually feel addicted to the feeling if I just kept allowing myself to do it.

I was more wondering if people struggled with those surges in the mind. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Why is my mind doing that ...with the words just getting louder and they are nonesense words getting louder.

Oh well.

Thanks for the support.

*hugs*

Hope you and icky are both well.

Take care

Eva

yes I understand about needing the relief and being addicted to the feeling BIG TIME...but I keep doing it too....my voice tells me to do it and then afterwards that same person tells me how bad I am for doing it....does that make sense?? I have these constant surges all the time...I have talked to my T about them too and he says to yell really loud to leave me alone...but honestly that does not help with SIing...it does for other things though...I too feel at times I am loosing my mind over this....most of the time I think dumb stupid things and the words make no sense at all...just words and I know they are not right but they still come into my mind....
I hope you are well too...hang in there your not alone...

Hope I feel the exact same way. I have been told too to scream back but then it just makes me upset because
1. I'm screaming at myself and then I start to cry cause then everyone...even myself...is mad at me
and
2. It makes me feel crazy and it is so hard telling myself that I'm not and then I feel like I am just proving myself wrong

I look at my scars and and think %#@&#! I could have made them deeper, not that I'm saying a person should cut it's %#@&#! up and u shouldn't do it but it does happen and when it does u should just look at it and accept what u have done only then can u move on in life.

They make me ashamed mostly that I could hurt my body that much and try to convince everyone it wasn't that big a deal. My wrist is mostly scar tissue, it doesn't move the same as the other one, and it tingles everytime I do move it Yet everytime someone noticed and kept pushing it I would say,"It's not that big of a deal...It's not like I'm cutting that deep."

Hmmm if you can look at your scars and just accept them ... say Oh I just %&#)! up again and move on...I guess then many of us should be able to stop look at our lives and say well it seems so $@*%&!!'D up....but I should accept it and move on. Problem solved.

I guess it should apply there too?

I'm far from being a weak person, but this is something that tortures me or I obviously would never be hear posting how awful and disturbed I feel about it.

It doesn't work like that for me..and I would guess for many others that si it probably might not either.

Maybe it does for you Psyclox, but when I look at my scars it's a constant reminder of something that has control over me. Something I have to try to get control over every day and manage that's what I have to accept ...not something I can "move on" from. It's a part of me and always will be.

Just my opinion...for me.

ditto eva

..see the same thing in the picture.. huh.. lol

<font color="red"> </font> We hurt to feel empty to lose each new blessing to hurt with new passion for all who hurt grant them this day to to feel nothing this day to to feel ugly to hurt like we're nothing we burn us and cut us and stick bad things in us we have lots of pain and we put on display our fate taunts us and mocks us we have no friends holding our head we need rest from the hurt of this nothing we feel this new feeling of emptiness stealing our heart into empty this hurt gives us plenty of pain that we wear we wear pain and we swear to feel ugly for all as we cut and we bawl and the blood will then show us we hurt inside too much to keep this blood in us we rip us to shreds and lie crying in bed cause this blood shows us pain we feel from their disdain of us we can't stop crying cause we feel like dying our hurt gives us something to grab onto nothing but blood on us bleeding and seething we see red cause we are so sick in our head thinking back to the times that we bled and we made people sick of us dreading to be with us seeing the freak that they really can't see cause they're so very blind from their very own kind of a blindness that keeps them away from our feeling the need to destroy ourselves out of the loneliness coming from chaos and misunderstandings of others whos weaknesses keep them from seeing the hurt that we feel from the ugliness calling us out to the war that we fight just to keep us alive.........just to make me feel empty each day brings me blessings of people who can't see me hurting cause I'm just so little and learning to hate myself mommy and daddy I'm crying in bed it's so lonly and dark and I can't see you here please don't leave me I'm scared it's inside my mouth pulling me down to feel feer of the feeling I have in my teeth can't you see me I feel bad and so sad you're leaving me please stop decieving me I keep on trying to stop all this crying from lightning inside my chest striking my heart leaves me restless all day and I'm trying to say something's wrong you don't hear me you're gone from my pleadings of helplessness in my sleep dragging me down a deep path of destruction and chaos and loneliness keeping my chest from expanding your small understanding my screaming to say It's a dream that I wake and I crawl to your bed and I beg you to wake me to shed some light on all this darkness surrounding me in my dream stopping my breathing and you're not believing me loneliness takes me below you to show you the emptiness isn't here I can't stop seeing these tears they are hurting me burning and blurring my eyes are you learning(?) I'm dying here losing myself each day hurting myself like I'm hating myself and I'm crying and wanting to leave myself learning to not be myself anymore.......I am never myself anymore.........forever myself until never myself anymore............... <font color="red"> </font> <font color="red"> </font>

whoa... that was hard to read ...and I read it a couple of times because it's so "exact"

Did you write that?

Thats how it feels ..over and over ..never ending..exhausting.

Thanks for sharing that.

Hope you are doing well...
Eva

I did write that. I cut it down a bit to take out some things that may have offended some. This piece is the result of my attempt to help a non BPD understand what it's like to be me. It was a response to one person mentioning to me that his main worry about me in the future is that I "think too much". He meant no harm in saying that, but I did feel the need to open his eyes a little. I was hoping to show him how easy and subtle it can sometimes be to feel pain to the point of regression, or to switch, and at the same time keep things cryptic enough that if one were not taking the piece seriously it would simply blow by them. You have to read very closely to pick up the way certain words can bounce into more than one idea, for example. Another example is how I incorperated my struggles with sleep paralysis into the over all picture in the last few lines.
I ended up putting this piece in a pamphlet I'm putting together for those in like situations. I put it here hoping to benefit someone. Anyone. It's been nearly a year since I've used drugs, or SI and every time I come in contact with someone still engaged in damaging behavior I just hurt so much for them I just want to hold them till it goes away. I know I can't just make it go away so I do anything I can. If people are helped by what I've written without collateral damage I will put other pieces in.

I can understand your concern about others with the context.

I myself find it helpful to connect with someone like myself and know that I'm not alone.

I find that my problem is developing sometimes on it's own. I thought I had it under control somewhat and understood it, but recently I'm not so sure about that.

It's funny that you mentioned about someone saying "you think too much" cuz my b/f would constantly say that to me and sometimes even in anger say "you analyze too much". (i put that nicely)

Lately...my new thing is just to "avoid" myself...remain "blank". If I don't I have the problem that I originally posted and it's out of control, but worse then I've ever been experiencing.

Anyways, enough of my rambling.

Anytime you want to share you're writings I'd love to read them because I seem to really relate to what you have to say.

Again...thank you for sharing.

Eva

I have not cut for a long time but know how you are feeling. The negative thoughts are hard to shut down. I am sorry that you are struggling so much right now. Sometimes if you just stop them one minute at a time it helps.

eva i have been thinking about you all day!!! thank you tandi46

Ty bi polar bear

thank you tandi ... hope you are doing well today



Eva

Last time someone told me to scream at "it" OR in my situation, my drunk husband when he crosses that fine line from "nice & casual" to "verbally abusive about my SI" Last time I screamed --- the neighbor called the cops!!!
My T doees not allow screaming unless I'm the last appt. of the day....which doesn't happen..........so I cut more......
Life is truly a ***** ----------