[Lacelly]

Well I am not sure what the Trigger icon it says we are supposed to use is but I see a bunch of threads with the red X one so I am using it.

Last night I cut myself and I needed to go into the emergency room for stitches. I thought they would send me to a psych ward or something as that is what has always happened before but they let me go. Last time I had stitches I took them out, but I have to leave them in at least for a few days this time because my parents are already disappointed in me. I feel guilty for putting them through this. I don't know why I do it. Well there isn't much of a point to this thread. I just wanted to share since my post on the other self-injury forum I post in got ignored.

[Sannah]

Hi Lacelly, welcome to this forum. I'm really sorry that you felt the need to cut yourself. Do you think that you do it when you get overwhelmed with feelings? Are you in therapy? Please try to keep the stitches in? Why do you remove them?

[Lacelly]

Well this time I did it because I felt like a failure for not going to school anymore. But also I felt as if I was sorta in a trance and not thinking of the consequences. I started out with a small "tattoo" on my knee (though the ink didn't stay in.) Then I started eraser burning and doing small cuts. After that I was like "what the hell? I'll cut my arm." I think I may have nerve damage in my right arm because it is the only place I have ever really cut deeply. Or maybe it's a psychological thing.

I am in therapy, I go twice a week to a normal therapist and twice with an in-home therapist who takes me places and helps me with social skills. I just recently (two months) ago got out of a hospital where I was for three months. I was in a residential treatment center for five months before that. I don't want to go back.

Last time I had stitches I took them out because I was afraid I wouldn't have a scar from it if I did not. I don't really like having to live with my scars, but I feel like if I didn't have them I wouldn't remember where I was before? It's hard to explain and it's kinda irrational. But this time I want to leave them in because if I don't I may have to go back into the hospital. My dad was surprised they let me leave after they gave me the stitches.

[Sannah]

I'm sorry that you felt like a failure for not going to school anymore. How long have you been out of school? Did school get too difficult with everything going on? You know, it is sometimes hard to deal with what we have on our plate. I'm sure that you are doing the best that you can. I wish that you didn't see yourself as a failure.

Can you have a plan next time that you are feeling like you are in a trance so that you don't get lost in what you are doing if you SI? Some plan like talking to your parents or calling one of your therapists?

Are you making progress in therapy? If you don't mind me asking, what are you working on in therapy?

I'm glad that you are leaving the stitches in this time.

Please continue to post to let us know how you are doing?

[Lacelly]

I have been out of school for one week. I stopped going because anxiety and depression were making it torture for me and I was really behind in my work. My parents are trying to set up Homebound for me. It is like homeschool but they send a teacher to your house a few days a week to help out. But I still feel like if I had stayed more on top of my homework and stuff I could have kept going.

Well, people have tried to set up plans like that for me but I never actually use them. By the time I get to the point of actually cutting I don't care about the consequences anymore.

I feel I am making some progress in therapy... I get very emotional in there. I feel like we talk about the same stuff over and over sometimes. I don't remember exactly what we talk about but sometimes it is about my self-esteem and sometimes it is about my coping skills but I don't do so well with that.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Lacelly

Well, people have tried to set up plans like that for me but I never actually use them. By the time I get to the point of actually cutting I don't care about the consequences anymore.

So is there a time before you get too far where you can follow a plan?

[Lacelly]

I don't really have that stage. Either I think "I want to cut but I can't, oh well." or "Eff it, I'm gonna cut." Usually I start with scratches or eraser burns and build up.

[Sannah]

So you can't talk to someone when you start with the scratches or the eraser? Or aren't you struggling with some feelings which lead you to the urges in the first place?

[Lacelly]

Yeah I guess... I just usually don't. What I'm trying to say is that usually once I get to the point of self-harming I WANT to self-harm.

[Sannah]

So you don't want the "interference" of reaching out because then you might stop yourself from doing something that you really want to do?

But what if this "interference" helped decrease your urge to SI?

[Lacelly]

I don't really get what you mean... like interfering before I get an urge?

[Sannah]

I suggested that you talk to your parents or your therapist before you get too far into your SI urge, like when you start feeling bad or whatever triggers your SI urges. You told me that when you get the urge to SI you really want to so I took this as you saying that talking to anyone about how you are feeling or how you are doing would be an interference in you wanting to SI. Then I said that maybe this interference of talking to someone might decrease your urge to SI. Am I making sense?

[Lacelly]

Well last night I told my mom I felt like SIing and we were going to go for a drive since riding in the car is a coping skill for me. I went into the family room to get my shoes and I was talking to my dad. I said I wanted to give my dog a shot. (like with a needle) I didn't really, it was just a thought in my head that came out my mouth. This really made my dad upset. He was saying stuff like "IF YOU"RE GONNA CUT YOUR ARM AND SAY STUPID **** ABOUT HURTING THE DOG YOU'RE GONNA GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL." I don't remember exactly. He had my arm and was pulling me around and I was just limp. Then my mom came and I went with her and we cuddled on the couch so it was okay. But telling my parents didn't work out all so well. My dad doesn't really understand, and when I try to talk to my mom, my dad usually gets involved.

[Sannah]

Good work talking to your parents! You say that it didn't work but it did. You didn't SI and you got to cuddle with your mom. I'm sorry that your dad responded that way. Can you tell your dad that his response wasn't helpful and why or at least tell your mom?

[Sannah]

Lacelly, how have you been doing?

[Lacelly]

I'm okay. I'm going on a church retreat tomorrow. I don't really want too so I'm having some urges. I dunno what I'm going to do about it.

[Sannah]

Your parents are making you go? Can you talk to your mom and tell her that you are getting urges because of this and that you need to talk about it?

[WePow]

(((((Lacelly))))) Just letting you know you are heard and seen. And I hope the church retreat is going ok for you. Those were murder for me when I was a teen as I didn't believe the same way. Uggggg. So I hope you are safe right now.

Is there something you like to do like music or art or dance? It sounds like you have a lot of stuff on the inside that is just being burried deeper and deeper in what others expect from you. Sometimes all we hear is "DO THIS! DO THAT!" and it keeps us from having the silence we need to hear our own hearts.

[Lacelly]

I didn't go on the church retreat. My dad caught me trying to cut the night before so my parents decided it wasn't a good idea. I don't like much of anything but sitting at the computer anymore. I sort of like music and writing but I'm not good or anything. It sometimes makes me anxious to share though I made a thread with one of my poems in it. I don't think anyone commented.

[WePow]

(((((Lacelly)))) Sorry that you didn't get to go if you wanted to go. :-(

It doesn't matter if you think you are not good at doing those things - even if you know you aren't "good" at them - and even if others don't respond to them. The secret to life is just being able to find a way to enjoy a small part of it. Just one thing even. And then don't try to produce anything FOR anyone with it. Just let it be and find a way to enjoy the activity without thinking of what comes of it at all.

[Sannah]

I'm glad that you didn't have to go to that retreat that you didn't want to go to. Yeah, I agree with WePow, the point of you doing these things are for your enjoyment not for feedback.

[Gleek592]

Originally Posted by Lacelly

I have been out of school for one week. I stopped going because anxiety and depression were making it torture for me and I was really behind in my work. My parents are trying to set up Homebound for me. It is like homeschool but they send a teacher to your house a few days a week to help out. But I still feel like if I had stayed more on top of my homework and stuff I could have kept going.

Well, people have tried to set up plans like that for me but I never actually use them. By the time I get to the point of actually cutting I don't care about the consequences anymore.

I feel I am making some progress in therapy... I get very emotional in there. I feel like we talk about the same stuff over and over sometimes. I don't remember exactly what we talk about but sometimes it is about my self-esteem and sometimes it is about my coping skills but I don't do so well with that.

I know exactly how you feel. I stopped going to school for 5 months in 10th grade. Is there something like an Alternative High School or Adolescent Day Treatment in your area where you could get schooling? I went to ADT at an Alternative High School, ended up graduating with a Regents Diploma and am at a 4 year college for teaching. Things can work out!! I promise!! Needless to say, I am struggling very much right now, but not nearly as bad as i was last year and previous years. I sought help pretty much immediately when I started struggling. Reach out, my dear. It is the best thing to do. I will be praying (that is, if you don't mind) for you and your healing. A life without SI is possible!! I did it for 5 and a half years and for the past 6 months have only done it twice which is huge for me. I was at up to 4 times a day at home and about the same at school daily. I hope you feel better really, really soon. You deserve it!!