To not end my life.I am trying sooooooooo fkng hard right now for the sake of how it'd impact my sons.It is the only reason I am alive.I am sooo tempted.I have the means...the will...the fearlessness and the rage to slip past my willpower no problem.If someone reads this please take a moment ....and try to direct thoughts of healing in my general direction.I am weak in this moment...send strength....You've no idea my feet are slipping on the edge of a cliff right now.I really need to remain for my boys.I need to breathe....just let it go.Ooooooooohhhh help.Please dont post pity.I dont want it.Post strength if you post anything.

[sugahorse1]

Wolf - thanks for reaching out to someone - even if right now it is your PC family. We care about you deeply and would hate for something to happen to you.

If you cannot tell anyone, can you take yourself to an ER? Just take a few days off, speak to your T and work through your thoughts and feelings. Maybe get your meds adjusted. Above all - ensure you are safe.

Your boys adore you for who you are; they look up to you as their mother. Please don't leave them hanging.
You know you are just going through an episode - you've been here before, and got out the other side. Look closely, and you'll see there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just need to ride this wave out. Please get help. Or PM me some contact details and i will get in touch with people on your behalf.

Wolf - I've been where you are plenty a time. At the time, it seems right, like there is no hope. But looking back, I cannot believe how low I'd gotten. I was back on the mountain, looking down on the deep canyon. It made no sense that I'd managed to get into the canyon. But even more so - if I'd acted on my thoughts, I would never have had the opportunity to stand on the mountain.

I can chat to you on PM or GTalk too if you want (((Wolf)))

I can't go to the ER. They will put me on the most locked unit where the most severe cases are.Last time,husband did not call or visit or any thing.They treated me like every word out of my mouth was illogical,and as though I were in attack mode.Which I was as I am speaking with you now.The treatment was as if you'd just been received into womens jail.No exaggeration there.I was living in Nevada for a bit,and came back to Cali.for an appt.I stay most of the time living in my self contained truck camper outside with my books and computer and painting.I actually did fall off meds AGAIN.Good point...I will get back on them.Also have PMDD and DID.I hate to take the geodon for the did because of the side effects.And am beginning to split a bit.I dunno what to do with that bit.I will not abandon my sons,though grown,to the legacy of a mother who appears broken nor will I set the example of ending my life.I hide it all very well from them.I was severely triggered today and need to regroup.I can 'ride the wave' as u say....I have ridden much worse.I dunno about light at the end of the tunnel...but I have seen storm clouds break and allow rays of sunlight in for however long...to break up the storm.Your words are one of those beams of light...for me....as well,for many at p.c...and I personally thank you for your spirit reaching a hand to mine.I am climbing back up the canyon haha....just did a nose dive like the flying creatures in avatar haha.I'll meet you at the mountain top.Idk how to get Gtalk...I do have yahoo.I appreciate your spirit....wings spread out....fluttering around p.c with your compassion and empathy.You are valued and appreciated.~W~

[sugahorse1]

Do you see a T? Or is it an option to start seeing a T?
It really sounds like the hospital you went to was terrible - is it the only hospital you can got to?
Please get back onto your meds - we are so quick to stop taking our meds when we feel fine, only to crash deeper than we ever thought possible.
There is a ray of sunlight always poking through the clouds - even in the thunderstorm. And if you cannot see it, know that the sun shines 24/7 - it may just be temporarily obscured by clouds - but the sun will cause the clouds to evaporate and open up for you.

Do you see a pdoc? What about a med adjustment? You know that you don't need to battle like this - meds and therapy can help you a long way. Please be safe

I'd feel a lot better knowing you'd put yourself first and gone to a hospital. Have your meds adjusted. Get some therapy. Allow yourself the opportunity to be happy again. Hand over all responsibility.
Sorry your husband didn't visit you last time, but know that that is HIS weakness - he ought to be looking after his wife who he made his vowes to. Either way - this is not about him or anyone - it is actually about YOU.

Will answer you soon....I think I can allow my self to sleep now.Very worn out...not 6am yet ...up all night.Will msg here after resting .

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Wolf.
Not sure if I'll be here when you get up (There is nearly 12 hours between us..) But I am thinking of you. I will be back in 16 hours from now, and will check my PMs as well as this thread. Be strong.
There will be other PC members checking in with you shortly - we are a strong and supportive community

[Sannah]

Hi Wolf, yes, what can YOU do to help yourself. Getting back on your meds would be a great start and staying on them. Are you in therapy? Being empowered by actively taking care of yourself will make a huge difference.

You mentioned that you were triggered. Paying attention to what is going on with you is also a good idea and good self care. If you are in therapy you can discuss this trigger.

[thine_self_untrue]

You are so strong, Wolf. So strong. We sometimes have to come to the end of ourselves to find a new beginning and I hope that you find that wonderful, inspiring strength I see inside of you to keep going.

[lynn P.]

Sorry to see you're struggling (((wolfsong))). It's great you hang on for your sons but I want you to say "I'm hanging on because I deserve it". You need to get a little constructively mad and say "darn it... I deserve some peace and happiness". You're a nice person and I like you. I want you to love yourself enough to give you the right to feel positive. Wolves are survivors.

[sugahorse1]

Hi Wolf - please let us know how you are feeling today - I hope the sleep is exactly what you needed to feel a bit better

[holly.short]

hey wolf,
I have been where you are an it isnt easy to get back up, keep thinking of your kids think about the posative not the negative live because you god dam deserve to, life can be awful and full of friction but eventualy all that friction causes us to shine an be renewed! your right to take your life wouldnt take long it would be over quickly but all the people you leave behind have to deal with thoses asctions for the rest of their lives! stay strong!

~Suga,
Yes,unfortunately,it is the only hospital which I'd be sent to in a crisis.To be fair...it is in California...is a Kaiser foundation member hospital....and in the past...I had been on unit 1 for only the first day...and had been quickly moved to unit 2,or 3....where one could attend groups,and participate in outdoor cafeteria,as well as walks,and relaxation type ...or art therapy events.
Except when I o.d'd and was on respirator...the brain damage was so bad,I couldnt recognize my sons...and required fall precaution.But tbh...I couldn't remember more than the moment I stood in at that juncture.Was there 1 1/2 mos. it never bugged me.
I am resuming the meds for the pmdd/depressive symptoms.If I ever "lose it" on here...it generally correlates to the pmdd symptoms/timing.I generally stuff my feelings and smile and assist ppl if I don't have pms...but I shift severely at that time.Cycle 26 days apart and pmdd is 10 freakin days per mo.Pisses me off haha.
As dismissable as it seems...my worst si attempts or like the time I had 72 stitches all point bact to times that I was suffering within that mo.time frame...and triggered by lifes severe stress...which to be fair...since 2000 major, major things have been occurring.
I am seeing a T...but tbh....as far as T's go at Kaiser...the visits are few and far in between.They wanted me to attend a group and I did go.The ppl were soooo hurting ...I cried uncontrollably the first 10 min and had to evacuate as I cannot bare to se suffering.Not like that...I absorb it.I actually mostly work in self help books at home.
I am incapable of asking for my needs to be met.I mean as overtly as I require.I berate me for being a (P) word haha.
As far as husband goes....uggghhhh.....soooo much going on there....been sleeping in camper if he is here...I made mistake of sleeping on couch other night...not good at all.
Sooo grateful Suga you have me in mind.That warms my spirit and makes a safe place to go and feel heard.
The sleep really really did help to smooth a bit of the edge off the emotionality.I kinda wish I'd slept more....but it'll happen.
~Again Suga....I thank You! ~W!

Sannah~
This trigger is a p.c trigger...I really ,really attempt to buffer the self from this occurring...I missed it this time.Will try harder.I agree....self care is essential in maintaining ones mental 'togetherness' for lack of a better term.
Splitting seriously complicates things.I dont get warning...and those meds...I take them,but they don't always work for that part.
Thank you for reaching out! ~W~

Thine and Lynn....
The two of you have Ginormous hearts haha......tytyty
You are right Lynn ,wolves are survivors...and I will survive...but likely will continue to howl at the moon.
Thank you Thine for seeing strength when my eyes won't ....I appreciate that.You have such a lovely spirit.
Holly,
LOL....I sooo try to think of the good.I spiral and don't see it coming....almost similar to bipolar.I stuff things until there's no place to stuff them....then crash.So I get on this high of love love love....then a trigger....crashes me.If I know it ....I should be able to ward it off occurring.IDK my deal haha.That "You ****** deserve to.."...haha .....What an excellent Mum you'd make haha!(I refuse to be so selfish as to C sui....it'd be a horrific ripple.)Grrr....The alternatives ,if not hidden appropriately can harm too tho'...idk.....I am staying strong hun ....I BOUNCE BACK!! hahahah.....Multi gratitudes and huggz ~W!

[Sannah]

Going to therapy more would be really helpful........

[Catlovers141]

(((((((((wolfsong))))))))))

Just thought I would send some safe hugs and warm thoughts your way.

[thine_self_untrue]

More hugs for a huggable, lovable you.

HAHA....was checking my 'subscribed threads'...it appears that mercy,my little alter popped into forums.Gawd that's embarrassing.I need to get back on the geodon.She's 8 so please be kind.Even tho' IDK if she would know how to check subscribed threads.Whatever ...not going to be embarrassed.It's just the stress.Sorry.
Thank You again {{{{{Thine}}}}}},it truly helps to receive affection like that.You are just such a lovely girl.
Very much appreciated Catlover......so kind.
You are correct Sannah....between my fear of going out ,and the brain damage re: ever remembering appts.,and 'fer sher not doing group....as I said I am very applied to self help.I became overwhelmed and very triggered ,I apologize.
~W~

[RunningEagleRuns]

I know what you are going through, and life WILL get better. Seriously. Just get the right meds and life will be better. And maybe someday you can get off meds too. I hope for that for me too. Good luck. Jesus helps too.

To Mommy...n Gramma n Grampa...n Uncle Donny....n darling darling darling baby boy Russell...n Little me....n my real dad...

[sugahorse1]

(((Wolf)))

I'm glad you're still checking in with us.
If you feel any more down, please do go to a hospital. It sounds like a complete med overhaul could really help you.
And I second what Sannah says - therapy will be very beneficial