Reason....

I talked with my T today, and she says that there is always a reason behind why we SI... so here's the question to you all.. Do you feel like there is a reason behind what you do for SI?

I'm not sure what my reason is, but I do want it to go away, but I'm scared to dig into the reason. Then I feel like I loose control, and things happen... Fear is stopping me from getting better... Fear...

So what's your reason? I would like to know other people's reasons to find the right words for what ever reason I make up, that I seem not to know what words to use.

Sure, I would agree with her that there's reasons behind why we do these things.

I don't know how to express feelings and when I feel like I'm going to explode, I SI. In some way, it let's me release some of what I'm feeling. Other times, it helps me remember that I really am alive and not just the ghost I see myself as.

Puzzclar, I just wanted to say that I'm so glad that you talked to your therapist about this!

Paige, I think you hit it well, but now that it has been 3 weeks since the last time that I have SI'ed, I'm still lost on this. I don't know how to express what I feel like I need to. My T also gave this assignment, and I don't know where to begin...

Write something to your future self.

I dread even thinking about it. I want control, and the future is so out of control to me.. In a way, Doing the assignment, I know that it will be hard, and I don't know how to cope with these feelings of loss of control. In a way I hate the future... I just can't come to terms with it....

What else can I do instead of SI???? but will still give the same emotional release???

Hey Puzzclar,

I think I s/h for all the same reasons as everyone else above.... I can't express at that time in the moment my emotions and want control in a sense of them that I find hurting myself a release. Sometimes I won't know for days, weeks even months why I felt the need to s/h but I think deep, deep down I will always know the reasons

I haven't since.. oh let's say the middle of January this year.. but from that perspective I cut when I'm extremely angry and it feels too overwhelming.. but I refuse to take my anger out on people (even if they deserve it) so I started cutting. I mean I'm 23 now but I wasn't really allowed to be angry when I was a kid being the youngest of 5 so I basically had to aim at myself.. but in the days after if I don't continue to cut I start to get an itch.. it's quite addictive this behaviour

also..kind of strange but I had long hair and my mom loved it..so she would braid it all the time.. but I was also never allowed to cut it.. I remember being absolutely in a complete rage at her one day and I took a pair of scissors to my hair to piss her off and knowing that made me feel better..that might've planted some seeds in a really obscure way

I have been using SI to try to escape from my feelings and emotions for 20 years. And I understand why, but it is still a difficult habit to break. I am the daughter of a narcissistic father who beat me whenever he felt moved to do so. Growing up in such an environment has unfortunately perverted my coping skills into something that is dangerous and destructive. When I'm stressed, anxious, or even if I feel like I've disappointed or displeased someone in my life, it is too easy to fall back onto what my father unknowingly taught me when I was a child. That I deserve to hurt and I deserve pain. And since he isn't here to dole it out to me, I need to do it to myself. But of course I do NOT deserve pain or suffering. No one does. Not children, and not adults. It is very difficult to just feel emotions sometimes, to just feel and not react in a destructive way. But I know that whatever feelings cause me to react with SI will pass. It is frightening at first to just be still and feel what you are feeling and explore where these difficult feelings come from, but it is a worthwhile and courageous endeavor. Just know that you are stronger than you think.

I SI because I don't validate my feelings and don't know how to recognize my emotions or feelings so I completely avoid them and either cut or purge instead.

Puzzclar, I like your assignment. Sounds like you have a very good T. Sounds like a great way to work through this.

But here's the other thing... I"m so, completely scared of what I could discover... I've just been trying to put it off, so that I have control... which is creating an illision of treatment (I hate it when the lectures I get from my PDoc are correct... even though I hate the way he brought it up) When I tried to get the assignment done, I felt like needed to just feel pain... to feel some sort of control. Now it's gotten me in knots and I don't like it, so I have reasisted writing more, partly becuase I don't know what to write. I'm just so scared of what it will do, that I used distraction all day yesterday, and didn't even study... this is a big problem... what do I do to even face this??? Or do I need to have some one close by when writing this?? I just don't know any more.... I want to distract myself to run from this task... Yet I want to get better... how can I have both?

I think that I SI to express emotions that I feel I can't express openly to others, as I have major trust issues with people. And the only emotion I seem capable of expressing openly is anger.
I had not cut since I was about 16 or 17 until about a month ago (I'm 47 now) and started up again. I have been in a really depressed state and was hospitalized a couple weeks back for it.
I do have a Pdoc and T now, and also trying to go to group. I have not talked to my T about the cutting. I wanted to last Friday when I saw her but it just never came up... I am embarrassed about it (the SI) after the fact and just couldn't bring myself to tell her.
Have not seen the Pdoc that was assigned to me, yet. So I don't know what he/she will have to say. And obviously nothing about the SI if they don't know.

I hope that you figure out what you need to do to stop doing SI, and also to get the assignment done that you seem to be shying from. Perhaps you should have a family member or close friend there when you write the things out that you need to if you feel that strongly about it.
Peace

I SI when I don't know the right words to express how I'm feeling and I'm in a state of panic. I also do it for attention because I feel that if they can actually see a bruise, then there is a physical manifestation of my illness.

My T talked about this and it made a lot of sense. It also showed me that I have poor coping skills. (Which I'm finally dealing with.)

Puzzclar, this sounds like something to discuss with your therapist.

I see her in 4 days, but since it is so far away, and I'm falling pretty quickly, I'm in trouble. I wish I had someone that I could talk to, who could help, but I just don't have a close friend with in about 8 hours drive. Which I know is not good for me. I've had to try and put things out of my head, but it's just doesn't seem to be working. If I don't find someone that wants to hear me out and not be scared, then .... who knows what could happen. I just wish that Some friend was right here, so I could just cry, and have some comfort around me. but for now, I guess PC will have to do.

Can you call your therapist? I can listen.....

no, all I can do is call the office, but then that just makes it more apparent that my meds need to change again... I'm just getting tired of all this. I've had to take one med just to get through the day, and this is day 4 of taking it. Ever since I got this assignment... I found out last night that my friends may not be real friends... and with that and the assignment, I have not felt like eating or doing anything really besides studying. I don't want to subject people to my bad mood. It's been a month and a half since I left the hospital, and this is just one of those bad days. or rather bad weekends, and starting of a not so good week. And to top it all off, my internet is so slow.

Puzzclar, I can understand why that assignment got you reeling. This makes a lot of sense. Give yourself credit that things like this can affect you and this is normal and okay. It will be so productive when you discuss this with your therapist in a few days.

I was able to write something down, and I really don't like what was written... as in I'm afraid of different things, including myself. And now there is another assignment that could be painful... will be... It's getting into why I think that the method of SI is so wrong... (since it's not by any definition of SI) and I know that it will be very hard for her to understand... I already understand, but it's hard to say, especially when everyone else says it's "healthy" and it's apart of letting the tension go... grrr, I hope this will be easier than it seems.

And one other thing she said... when it's hard, it helps the most. When it's easy, it's the wrong direction...

And not to mention I have Trust issues.... I may be on here, as much as I can, work allowing, and if the internet works.

Excellent work Puzzclar!!!!!!!!!

After a 9 hour day at work plus 5 hours of traveling.... all I want to do is sleep... or at least that's what I had thought. now, it's changing to just a little of si and then sleep. Which isn't the best thing to do, but..... I don't know I'm just really tired... and waiting for my laundry to be done. in the past 4 days, I just don't think that I have ocomplished much... and maybe this could hlep... somehow... or maybe doing a bit of exercise will help instead... but I've just done so much work today. that doing something relaxing sounds good, but at the same time it doesn't.... what do I want really... without talking myself out of it. I change my mind soo much and it's not getting me very far... listening to the little consisous just well, is hard. I just don't hear it over all of the other things that are on my mind... I just don't know how to listen... and I'm fustrated so I'm turning to something that I can control...

What is this really??

This sounds like why you wanted to SI.