[PlanningtoLive]

I have, for the most part, not really going into detail about things lately - just answering posts and stuff.......but I need to talk - I'm sorry.

Work-wise, things had been going pretty well. I have been talking to the District Manager and he wants me to finish getting certified so that I may have my own store. Says he "needs" me to be on his list.

I will admit that I am overly concerned with closing the store - meaning the cleanliness of it. I take a flashlight and look under every table and booth and have the employees clean up whatever I find.......I have also done this myself, on my hands and knees with them. This type of close is in the policy manual, so I am following procedure. I need to have my closes as close to perfect as possible. Yes, my standards are high, but not out of line. Supposedly, the DM likes my closes (or so he told me). Tonight my GM told me that he couldn't believe I was doing that, that the store was not a hospital and that the employees don't want to close with me and will start calling in sick so they don't have to work with me.

So I said to him, "I have to lower my standards just so they are happy?" I guess so.........I was very upset.

Home-wise is horrible. I'm trying so hard to keep him happy, watch out for Alex (he's been sick since last week), figure out how to put food in the house, and get him cigs.........and deal with all the verbal garbage he throws my way. I've been at work nights till 2am making sure things look good for the morning.

I have had many issues with my T lately - I had, in fact, cancelled my Wed. appt. with him because I am terrified that he will admit me to the hospital again........and I will lose my job. Tonight I was so upset and crying that I called him at about 11pm. He called me back and we talked......he is going to reinstate my appt. time. He says that I won't have to go if I can reassure him that I'm not going to do something - if I tell him that, I am lying........and I don't do that.

I am trying desperately to get thru these holidays - I'm not making enough to do xmas, bills, Alex's b-day, and support him.

I have an appt. with my back surgeon on the 8th. The injection didn't work, so the only real alternative is surgery again. What will that do to me in terms of work??????

The stress and depression are really getting to me. I sat in the office tonight after talking to my T and tried to harm myself. The stupid knife broke. That freaked me out so bad I went running to Walgreens to buy another one.

I'm either crying all the time, totally emotionless, or a nervous wreck. The edge is so close I can feel it. I need a second job, but how with my hours? [sigh]. There is just no winning these days. If I make it to the first of the year, it will really be a miracle.

[darkeyes]

Wish I could say something for support but I do not know except her are some hugs (((((((((( Planningto Exist))))))))))))
Please know we care

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Don't be sorry for talking. We care about you and want to help. I wish that I could do more than just listen. You are more than welcome to write to me directly any time you like also if you don't want to post it publicly. I worry about you when you are quiet too.

Try to take it one day at a time. Things will get better.

Love,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[Peanut61]

Hugs for our (((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))...

XOXO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

Just answering means alot, DE......esp. from you.

Thanks. *******hugs**********

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}

what would I do without you? I have an appt. with my T first thing in the morning. He called me this morning to check on me as well and then sent me a follow-up email. I just want to curl up with a blanket and sleep.

Thanks for caring, as always.

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You're so quiet these days, I worry about you. Btw, I am so very proud of you for working towards going back to the working force. You've come such a long way - ****hugs********

I feel very much alone these days, so the hugs are much appreciated.

xoxox

[Fuzzybear]

I wish I had some wise words to help you Mary Alice, but I am officially a wisdom-free zone today. . But I am keeping you in my thoughts, and hoping things improve for you soon ... even if only a little.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Fuzzy xx

[darkeyes]

PLEASE DO NOT harm yourself, you are here on this earth a short time and yet there are so many beautiful things left just waiting for you to see and live, just hang in there, the bad things do pass, some take longer than others, I know. . .I've seen it, experienced it, choose life, choose to value yourself, remember you are worth it Whatever, I am not too good with words lately but this I am saying again, "Please do not do any harm to yourself". Come here if the urge comes, take a walk, lie down relax, take deep cleansing breaths, close your eyes and focus on something, things or places that are beautiful, get outside yourself for a spell or two. Okay, maybe it sounds a little off but it can help sometimes, can't hurt to give it a go, eh?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Planningto Exist)))))))))))))))))))

and continue to plan to exist

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}

Oh my ...I wish there was something I could do. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. If there is anything and I mean anything at all that I can help you with please let me know ok?

You are so important to us so please vent and talk as much as you want and need to....we are always here for you hun.


Heather

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on."
~~Robert Frost

[PlanningtoLive]

*********hugs Fuzzy***************

I am always a wisdom-free zone except at work, lol. Thanks for caring.....xoxox

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{DE}}}}}}}}}}}}

You know, you are right about life being so short, but I'm not living. I can't remember the last time I went for a walk, or noticed the leaves changing color, or even watched the sunset. Kind of sad, isn't it?

I have already harmed myself so badly - I always have to be careful so Alex doesn't see them. I'll never be able to wear shorts again. I take my knife with me to work, everywhere. I do try really hard not to do it, but it is my outlet and a way of punishing myself at the same time.

Tonight at work I tried so hard to relax amidst the chaos and not stress out. It didn't work. Didn't even get to eat dinner and was there till 1am.

I have made another plan - I am so tired of this. I see my back surgeon next week and I know a 4th surgery is coming. One more time of going thru it and being scared to death of it.......is it really worth it?? Plus only allowing myself 4 days to recover, or I lose my job. I can't have them NOT pay me.

Then I discovered my insurance rates are going up......and my deductables. I can't afford the medical/vision/dental now - after the first of the year it will be worse. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I just want to scream.

xoxox

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}

you're the best. Thanks for caring and thinking of me. A few extra prayers would certainly help.

xoxo

[PlanningtoLive]

[sigh] I walked into work today at 2pm, and the General Manager told me that he was leaving and I had to do the AM deposit also. Ok, no problem......store was dead quiet. I got started about 3:30pm and I had three drawers to count.

By 4pm we were so packed with guests that I had to stop counting the drawers. I did finally get done with them - at 8:45 pm!!

One of my kitchen guys didn't show up - didn't think he had to work. Finally called me back and started arguing with me on the phone about his schedule. I told him to get his butt into work.

I ended up being in the kitchen making the pizza all by myself till 6pm when he showed up. I had to stay back there as the tickets were lined up like crazy. We ran out of seats twice and had to make people wait. Then one of the employees pushed the panic button by mistake so I had the police at the restaurant with guns drawn thinking we were being robbed.

Then we ran out of breadsticks and small pizzas. None of the kitchen crew knew how to roll out dough plus they were all underage (have to be 18). That of course left me.......with about a dozen orders for breadsticks. Now making the dough and having it proof (rise) takes normally about 2 1/2 hours......I had to rush it thru in about an hour and a half. Guests were mad......I was running from the kitchen out to the floor trying to manage both and calm the guests since they were all upset.

My employees were getting yelled and cussed at by the guests. One of my girls came into the kitchen crying because someone had called her a ******. I had to give her a hug and calm her down. Then I was of course covered in flour and trying to teach one of the girls how to make the dough and run it thru the dough roller.

By the time it calmed down it was 8:30pm. Then I had to sit down with two of my employees and talk to them calmly because they were both so stressed out. They told me all their problems and what was wrong, etc. I calmed them both down and then finally got to finish the morning deposit.

It was of course, time to do the PM deposit.......so I had to get the money out of the ice cream machine, the bill changer machine, and count both of those. I pulled one of the drawers and counted that. That left me with 3 drawers left.

Oh yes, I was also told to call in a produce order for the morning, which I did about midnight. In between all the chaos, the POS system crashed about 5 times, I was talking to the corporate help desk and making pizzas and dough.

I got all the employees out by 11:15pm - after making sure that everything was being done and staying on top of them. Then I had to count all 3 drawers, make my deposit and enter all the stuff in the computer.

Also we ran out of food for the salad bar - no one from morning had prepped anything so I had to have one of my girls do that quickly too.

I got everything wrapped up around 1am.......and I get to see my T at 8am. Then at 5pm, I am going back into work (Wed. & Thurs are my days off) to teach the one girl with me tonight how to do more stuff in the kitchen. No one before me had taught her how to do the dough and the breadsticks or make the garlic butter mix. On my day off, no less.

It was hard for me to remember all this stuff in the kitchen - it had been awhile, but I did it.

Does anyone wonder now why I am completely exhausted and stressed out?

Sorry.........[sigh] I did try to call the other manager, but he never returned my call.

I have no life at all.

Mary Alice

[darkeyes]

Wow, I wasn't aware of all of this heavy load you are carrying and trying to balance, I am so sorry I replied without realizing ALL your stresses, but PLEASE don't "cut", see if you can get some sort of help or support for that, I apologize if you already are in the process and I didn't know.
Take care, wish I had something better to say.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PlanningtoExist)))))))))))))))))))

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Is that a typical day at your job? Even if that isn't typical, wow! I knew that management was a hard job, but I didn't realize you went through all of that, especially all at once. I'm really impressed with your ability to handle that.

Do you consider yourself a workaholic? You sound very devoted to making sure the job is done well, or should I say perfectly. I wish that you could have a little more fun with it. You work in a fun place, and while I know you are dealing with the work and the business side of it, isn't there room for you to enjoy it a little bit too?

On realizing that you can't remember the last time you went for a walk or saw a sunset, would you be willing to make a goal to go for a walk and see a sunset on a couple of your days off in the next month sometime? Even today if you can. I wish I could be there and go for a walk with you, and sit with you and watch a sunset. I would benefit from doing these things too. Well, I did go for a walk on Sunday, so see, I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do myself.

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Wendy xoxxoxooxox

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[Peanut61]

Hi (((((((Mary Alice))))))): Does your T work with you on formulating strategies to help you set limits with your Manager, etc.? Is he helping you come up with strategies to break this pattern of overworking that you experience?

It's so hard to see you struggle with the same issues, and it must be horrible times 10 for you to have to endure.

It seems like a proactive plan, (other than suicide), is needed..., but at a point you had mentioned that your goal is not so much recovery as shoring up the status quo = has that changed?

How can we help? I know so many people care about you very much here, (including me), but are lost as to how we can be a constructive support to you.

I know of a website where people with bpd are supported but also 'challenged' on their 'stuff' by other people who are living with bpd also. I've been checking it out myself, (though I don't post), because people with neurotic tendencies, (that would be me , share some common traits with those struggling with bpd, so I've found a lot of info. on challenging black and white thinking, perfectionism, etc.

Just some thoughs. As always, sending big hugs your way! XOXO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}

Oh my....is that typical of your workday? No wonder you want to scream .

Do you know what stood out to me from your post though? Your willingness to help someone else....the young girl you helped show how to make the dough...those employees you listened to when they were stressed....my oh my...you are one amazing woman. With everything going on in your life you still showed the caring and concern for others....that is a trait of yours that I admire. I just wish some of that would come back at you and you were able to turn that care to yourself.

Let us help you in some way....Wendy and Jill had some great ideas. Is there anything else that we can figure out here?


Heather

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on."
~~Robert Frost

[PlanningtoLive]

DE ***hugs********* (whispering it's Mary Alice )

Don't apologize.........and yes, you are a little late. I went to my T this morning and after our appt. I went to the restroom and just cut away. I realized that it wouldn't stop bleeding, so I went up and asked for a bandage and some antiseptic - she was so very snotty to me - and got my T out of his other appt.

I wanted to die on the spot. She announced in front of his other patient that "someone had just cut themselves out here". He came out and I wanted to run. He walked up to me and asked what had happened. I said I was fine, just wanted the things. My T then asked me if I had cut and I mumbled yes.

He was so angry.......I heard a tone that scared me. He motioned for me to come in the back and I was afraid to go near him. Eventually I went back and he gave me a bandage, tape and peroxide........[sigh]. Told me he wanted an email from me explaining what had happened, etc. to make me do it.

I called my pdoc and arranged a fast meeting with him for a prescription refill. While waiting for him, I started cutting more and didn't stop for a long time. My arm is in such bad shape.

When I got to see him, I told him that we hadn't "really talked" in quite sometime and asked him if he realized just how badly I was harming myself. My pdoc had no clue, really. So I showed him my legs (he was horrified by the scars and cuts), and then I made him promise me that no one else would see my arm, but if he would please take care of it.

I took off my coat and it was just all over my arm. He couldn't believe that I had done that. He got some stuff and it burned so badly.........then he put gauze over it and then wrapped it. Gave me extras as well so I can keep it covered till it is all gone.

I swore I would never do that again on my arms, but I just kept going. My pdoc said he was going to call my T and see what other meds they could put me on, if any, and wanted to know when my next appt with my T was. I called my T and he very quietly asked me what had happened to make me do that. I told him that it was actually alot worse than it had been.

My T gave me a homework assignment - anytime I feel like cutting, before I do it, write down what happened just before I do it and how do I feel.........

::::::::looking at my raw, sore arm::::::::::::::::::: [sigh] I am so incredibly stupid.

Mary Alice

P.S. Just listening helps.......honestly

[PlanningtoLive]

Hi Wendy

More or less, it is typical. I'm usually running all over the place and with my leg/back sometimes I have to go a little slower......lol.

"Perfectly" describes it better. We do have fun there and usually I get to relax a bit and play some of the games.

Today was just horrible and running on 3 hours of sleep plus the damage I did to my arm.........I am mentally and physically exhausted. I did make sure I got back in time from my pdoc to pick Alex up from school. He was glad to see me.

I would love to just take a walk. Maybe I will tomorrow or early next week.....when both of them are gone. If my husband is home, I'll never get out of the house.

******hugs***********
xxoxoxoxo

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Peanut}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My problem is saying "no" to people - if they need my help, I'm there. If they demand more from me, I find it somehow and do it. My T is trying to get me to accept that my feelings DO matter and that I need to listen to them and say "no" sometimes.

When I spoke to my T today and explained to him why I had cut myself so badly (I was angry with him because he never seemed to ask or reply to my emails when I do harm myself - I took it to mean that he was ignoring it like it didn't matter, so I made enough of a mess to show it DID matter and then I was angry with myself for even telling him so I punished myself by doing it more) he asked me if I wanted to quit.

I told my T that I wanted to get it under control, because it isn't anymore. I do it everyday, anytime, any place, numerous times. I can't seem to stop even though I know I shouldn't. He wanted me to acknowledge that as a "goal" of ours and I went around it by telling him that it does concern me, and at least let me get a handle on it first.

I know all of you care, and I'm not looking for anyone to really "do" anything, except listen to me babble and contribute input/ideas if any. It is enough that I am able to come here and talk about without people looking at me like I am a nutcase.

Would you please send me the site you mentioned? I have been reading and checking on a number of them online, and yours has interested me.

Thanks for caring. ::::::::::::hugging Peanut, Hippo, Fuzzy, and of course Jill, very tightly::::::::::::::::::::

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}

Like I mentioned to Jill, just having everyone hear listen and respond to me is wonderful. To have people not judge me and understand is absolutely a support.

You sound like my T...........like I told him, I am very good at "being there" for other people and making them realize how valuable they are and how much they are needed, but none of that applies to me.

I do my job, and I do it very well. I work hard and most times (like last night) don't eat.

I can help other people with decisions and run a restaurant, but can't change my life or make decisions about it. It's not easy watching from the sidelines all the time.

Mary Alice xoxoxox

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

There's a hug for you. I wish there were a way to make everything easier on you. My T doesn't respond when I e-mail him about cutting either. I think they just don't want to encourage that. Mine says I have to stop too. Could we work on it together? I haven't done it much because I saw how concerned he was when he realized it was getting worse, and because I scared myself again. I kept thinking about cutting my wrist or neck. I'm about back to normal now though, and doing quite a bit better than the last few weeks.

You are so good at so many things, and you are a valuable person.

You can make decisions, and you can help other people. Since you're watching from the sidelines, could you step out and give yourself the advice you would give to someone just like you but not you? You would tell that person how much she is needed, and give her comfort, just like you do the other employees you help. Taking your own advice can be harder. I know, I'm there too. Can we make a deal to both work on it?

Love,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[poptardqueen]

I heart you Mary Alice <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I am so sorry you have been doing bad lately, and wish more than anything that I could wave my wand and make everything turn around for you : ). I haven't talked to you in a while, but I wish you the very best, and am always here if you need anything at all. Take care hun.

-Kelly-

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}

I'm beginning to think that you are the fly on the wall in my T's office........lol. Deja vu here - wow.

I have lost control over cutting. I used to be able to stop, but lately I can't. Today was a prime example. I look at my arm and I am horrified that I did so much damage, and would have continued if people hadn't gotten too close to my car.

That was actually one of the things that pushed me today - my T's lack of recognition. I thought he didn't believe me or didn't realize how serious this is lately. He does now.

We're going to start trying to understand why I enjoy doing it and how/why I lost control over it. We'll see what happens.

xoxox