It gets better

Is PC a reason? I am so glad you are talking to us.

Billi

I believe you.

And I know it's just about impossible for many of us to trust others.

I don't really trust other human beings either and I relate to the circles. lol

The only one I trust is my mentor.

I love Bruce and I love Andy (bf) but I am always expecting anyone but my mentor to skip and run for their lives away from me. Nothing personal against them, but I just can't believe someone really wants to be with me and that's from dealing with my aunt and then the mental health system telling me over and over again how "difficult" and "exhausting" I am.

Billi

It took me a long time to actually write smthg of value or not just fluff here. I write a lot however since i started posting here i dont. I dont think it actually registered in my mind that what im writing is being read by actual ppl!! Also i did give my t things i wrote since i express myself better on paper. Posting here was a majour step, and a tremendous leap in trust to write smthg to strangers. Im glad i did it since i would not survive otherwise being that noone in my life knows about my current mental health. Its so much simpler to write things to a stranger, yet it was still so difficult. Am i contradicting myself?

Im really depressed I have to be studying for exams yet my mind is so preoccupied and i have yo do well. I cant stand these ppl that think i dont need to study to do well. Why do they make such stupid comments about it all day, its so immature. I gotta do well since this term i didnt ace and i cant allow myself to do poorly. My marks are very important to me yet i cant seem yo get a grip and study, im just to busy cutting and stuff like that. I never used to be this way studying was always my top priority. Screw life.

And you can find one too possibly.

These things change gradually. You have to be willing to take small steps.

Trust is developed as an infant. If your caregivers are responsive to you emotionally and physically (they come to your aid when you need to eat or get your diaper changed) then you learn that the world can be trusted to take care of you. If you have a parent who doesn't connect with you emotionally as an infant you learn to not trust the world. This can be overcome, however, by finding people that you can trust now and learning to trust them.

There are a lot of good professionals out there. Your T could be one of them.

I know my t is one of them, hes a well sought out t that many other professionals refer to him. However than why is it that he didnt deal with me the way a sought after t would?
I dont understand where my lack of trust comes from, my siblings dont have this specific problem. Though maybe it has to do with a incident that occured when i was younger and they were older so i was maybe side- stepped; i dont recall anything from that young age.
I dont think its possible or realistic for me to find a mentor now.
I am taking small steps as i said it was pretty big for me to actually write in here

People have a way of projecting their experiences onto other people. If you don't trust, you will interpret everything that your T does as being untrustworthy, where someone who trusts would interpret what he does differently. You really need to work through these things with your T in order to work past them and be at a better place.

You definitely have something going on with your mom and this was caused by something. Are you the youngest? Did your mom go back to work? Some other life altering thing happen in your family or to your mom? My oldest sister got involved with a loser guy when I was 10. This changed my childhood and made it turn for the worst. Hard to believe but it stressed out my family and this loser had access and affected us.

Very good!

Im not the youngest, but i was then besides for my brother who was 3 mo. old at the time. My mother never worked, not that i know of at least. Yea smthg happened else happened in my family with my mother.
As of now i dont have a t since im not going back to the one i went to in the past. Im not sure what to do now, should i go somewhere else, should i see if i need meds. I dont wanna do either. Im sick of cooperating. Im sick of my life, its just getting worse and worse. I cant stand it. I feel like im so close to death, that theirs no point in righting my life.

Therapy is what is going to help you work through stuff. Are you interested in a different therapist? Would you do this?

I tried therapy and it didnt help me thru. At this point i dont know what i would do. What should i do?
Im in this depression and i cant seem to get out of it, and its killing me. Im sopposed to be concentrating on my studies.

Sometimes the therapist doesn't fit well and another one would fit better. You have to keep trying.

What do you need right now in order to be able to focus on studying? When are all of your exams? You are right, this should be your focus right now not this talk about therapists.

I think i might give another t a try, dunno
I have two exams tomorrow and i didnt start seriously studying for them, just flipped thru it a couple of times without it going into my head. Their such boring subjects. I havta do well and i have no patience to sit down and study, im way to preoccupied. Hopefully tonight ill be able to study since if i dont i wont get the marks i need inorder to feel accomplished.

At least there's still smthg i care about in this world, which is my marks. And its literally the only thing.

Good luck studying! You can do it!

I am glad you are talking to us.

Whatever it takes.

thanks for sharing.

it does take a lot of courage and risk to share, I know.

Billi

*You keep talking and keep holding on, please!*

We love you.

Billi

*You keep talking and keep holding on, please!*

Hold onto what, havent got anything. I just wanna end it all, theres no point its so hopeless.
After what san. Wrote that i can study i believed and went to study once more however it was so pointless. I was ready to kill myself then, why couldnt i get a grip and just concentrate on my notes. I had hope that i can actually study its so much worse i should of just known i couldnt do it. I cant deal with life anymore its way too morbid.

To PC and to yourself.

Whatever you have left and you have us and you have yourself.

Billi

I do not have myself any longer. I have an exam in like a hour and i cant get myself out of bed. I didnt finish studying and i dont wanna face the world. Students will be asking me q on the matariel and i dont know it. I was planning on waking up early to finish but i couldnt bring myself to do so. I dont wanna come out of bed. I dont wanna face the world. I dont wanna live.

How did it go today?

The first exam i seriously flunked, like probably will get twenty marks lower then norm, but this subject i dont care for though i did well in subjects ehether i cared for it or not. Its not really such an imp subject its only half a credit so if i do perfect on the subject it shares a credit with i think im fine. But honestly im really dissapointed that i couldnt do better or just apply myself more, cuz if i would have i would of known it. Am i rambling? The other exam i knew the way i usually know my exams. I was up a whole night studying for my exam thats today since i couldnt get anything into mu head when i studied during the day. It sucks that i cant concentrate. Its never been like this before, ya i cant concentrAte on much but i was always before able to concentrate on my studies. Whatever, im aware that it all sucks and that theirs no point in even trying to live.

You did the best you could. This is what mental health issues can do. This is why finding a therapist that you can work with is so important. Are your exams done after today?

If I am not interested in a subject it is very difficult for me to concentrate on it too.

I still have another whole week of exams. But im not so worried for them cuz i basically know all the matarial for them. Im over with the subjects i dislike. The exam today was not bad, in fact i really think i knew it which is good cuz its an imp subject. Its so stupid that i hyperventilate before the exam since i knew all of them besides for the one i said i flunked and convinced myself i dont care about.
I dunno what to do about a t, im very hesitant to start anew and my mom is getting really annoyed at me that i didnt make a decision about it.

Maybe just finish your exams first and tell your mom that?

I tried tellin my mom countless of times that i cant think about it know. She doesnt get it, her head is too thick. I told her i havta concentrate on my exams and ill deal with it after yet every day she asks me if i made a decision. Shes really getting me mad, i cant stand her. Why doesnt she understand that and respect it.

Can you answer every day "I decided to wait to make a decision until after my exams", repeat, repeat, repeat.

I like that she wants you in therapy! Many teens have the opposite problem.