It gets better

I might know that, but it still doesnt make the embarrassment go away or lessen. Whatever, i came to terms long ago that life sucks and we decide if we wanna continue living a *#*** life or just give up totally.

How about the choice of getting better?

I think i mentioned once that at times it just cant get any better, now is one of those times. I had 4 panic/ anxiety attacks today and there is nothing to do to prevent them. I just cant seem to get out ofmy depression everytine i try i just sink further into it. I do not know how to get better. Is there such thing, as getting better?

Yes, there is such a thing as getting better. I did it and so have others. You have a T, you need to push forward and work with your T to get better.

On another thread I just read what you wrote. You wrote that you aren't a trusting person. Those of us who have been betrayed while growing up, of course this is what we learned. But we are flexible beings and you can learn to trust just like you learned to distrust. It is a process.

And you know what else. The name that you chose for yourself really says a lot about how you feel about yourself. Those who raised you might have made you feel this way about yourself but they were wrong. They were probably treated this way themselves so they continue the tradition. It is wrong. No child should be treated like they are an idiot because no child is an idiot. You can still change your name here. It can go a long way in how you see yourself if you stop what you learned about beating yourself up.

Getting better is such a foreign concept, i cant begin to imagine it. I dont feel like i can trust anyone, like my T tells me i cud trust him and that his office is safe to talk but im still to scared and scared if betrayel. Of course i feel like that that about myself. WT am i supposed to identify myself with, beauty or angel. Thnx but no thx. So i feel tvat way most teens do. Its like so stupid to change your name maybe like cowardly. Its pathetic, this is wat i chose in my drunken state and so ill deal with it.

Sorry, not sure wat i wrote or if it makes sense i was drunk wen i wrote it. Will con. It later - to busy now

My T is trying for me to c someone else too so that i can be on meds since he cant give me them. He said he'll c wat he can do i guess he'd call. But its more than a week and he didnt call. Im going crazy. And im so not calling.
Not changing my name is like same idea that i didnt start my own thread- im scared, maybe cowardly.

Why?

Cuz maybe i dont wanna sound desperate or need help- i dunno, im not sure. Maybe i feel like if he didnt deal with it he doesnt think its imp so i dont make it known to him that it is. Or maybe its about control. I dont know but i do know that im not contacting him. Hes also not aware that i attempted suicide 3 times- he never asked and i dont offer info. My friend told me i look so much better but she doesnt know that all i think about is suicide and i do drugs and stuff, or that my sanity shrank a lot. I look depresed and all.But everyone is ignoring it. Some ppl just dont wanna mess w me. My cuts are getting worse and worse, the blood the writing. But i feel hopeless, sorthless no point in trying to help/ save myself. My parents are not aware anything is wrong and at first they refused to let
Me go on meds if needed. Whatever.

There is. You could go on to have a nice life eventually. Permanent solutions to temporary problems aren't good.

Why not?

Or from someone who really understands this stuff, too.

I see no nice life waiting for me. Ppl ask me wat im doin in the summer and i have no idea, i didnt make any plans since i sort if feel i wont be around, like i wont last that long or something.
I refuse to inform my parents on my current sanity or mental health. I do not want to deal with them yet i cant go on meds or a doc for that matter with out them knowing aonething is up. So they think im socially awkward - only thing they feel is wrong with my messed up life. Whatever, it sucks.

Your nice life might be in 5 years. You can't get better unless you become proactive and reach out. Your parents deserve to know how you are doing. I think that therapy will help you more then meds.

My T thinks meds are necessary yet i should continue eith therapy. I do not want my parents to know. I dont want them a part of my life im not intrested in them. I cant seem to get a grip and my life is getting worse and worse. My T didnt contact me yet and i dunno wat to think. I need to give in a plan for the future yet i dont see one fir myself so like wat am i supposed to do. This weekend i attempted suicide unfortantely i wasnt succesful but worse is that no one knows. Life just sucks.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now 17. You remind me of what I was like as a teenager. I'm still kind of amazed I survived highschool. Your circumstances can get better but it takes a lot of work to make your attitude towards life better. Opening up is scary. I've been in therapy 10 years now and this year is the first year I've been willing to admit certain things to a T. I know it's hard to talk to parents. You never know how they will react. My parents still don't know that I ever attempted suicide (not to mention how many times). Have you ever called a crisis hotline. That helped me some, especially when I was younger. I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night sometimes. Even though I'd barely talked, it was nice to know someone was on the other end and for those few minutes I knew I'd be okay and safe from myself. Do you have anywhere you feel safe from yourself. I use to spend a lot of times in classrooms where I really respected the teacher and their space and wasn't willing to harm myself there. It's hard to find somewhere you feel safe from yourself.

You don't have to see your plan for the future right now. All you need right now is to believe that you have a future and that it can be better. My life is much better then my life as a teenager was. Many, many people believe this too.

Have you and your T talked about how you feel about your parents?

Can you call your T please? How often do you go and when is your next appt.? Can I ask you what you are working on with your T?

No i havent ever called a crisis hotline, it takes to much guts and willpower and i dont have either.
No, i dont feel safe anywhere, anytime. Whenever i enter a room i scan the room to see if their is anything i can cut with or kill myself with. There's nothing thats safe.

How can i beleive i have a future?
Ya, we spoke about my parents but i refused to say much and just waited for him to switch the topic. I used to go once every 5 or 6 days however i havent gone now for like 2 weeks or more. By my last appt i didnt make another one, since i olny do if he asks me and this time he didnt ask me. However he said he'll see what he can do concerning about my meds so i figured he'll get back to me but he didnt. Im not calling him if he feels its imp he will call, if not than i guess indeed its not necessary.
Im not sure that we're working on something specific. At one point he wanted to tackle the topic of my parents but i didnt cooperate. He mostly just asks me questions and i reply if i feel like it. Im not that good, which is probably why he doesnt feel im so imp to deal with. He got a lot out of me, but i dont feel like were dealing with one thing, but thats my problem cuz i dont feel comfortable talking.
I went on an overnight with my class, i was so depressed and lonely that iswallowed half a bottle of tylonal with alcohol and cut the whole night yet it all stayed queit and im still around.

Getting better requires taking control of your life and being proactive. It sounds like your therapist is doing all of the work.

You should call your T. It's probably not that they feel you're not important. They just want to see that you are willing to fight to make it too. Ultimately, you're the one who has to fight to live, they can just help you through the process. They are a tool, use them. Hotlines are also tools. I know you don't really want to live, but if you want to 'want to live', you need to use what's available. Meds can be tools too, especially to help through particularly rough patches. I know what you mean about not finding somewhere safe. Places use to become enemies, one of my classes had a metal coat hanger in the back and that's all I could focus on. Sometimes you have to be willing to ask for help, even if it's scary, most teachers will do almost anything in their power to help you make it. If they have scissors or staplers on their desk, ask them to move it out of sight, if they ask tell them it's a trigger and you don't want to talk about it (or if you don't mind telling them why you can open up to them). Red lettering use to be really triggering, so I would ask some of them to not use red pen, It may take a few tries/reminders but most will automatically put the things away when you come in. I don't know if you ever try to use your nails or pens for si, but I did, so before really stressful tests I would talk to the teacher and ask them to keep an eye on me. That would help me not hurt myself during the tests and afterwards the cravings would lessen to a bearable state. If you are going to si, I know you will find a way, but that doesn't mean you should make it easy for yourself.

Wat do u mean my t is doin all the work?

My t knows well enuf that im willin to fight. No way am i callin hotline, what will i say, i wont talk just like i dont to my t- so theres no point in callin
I cant ask anyone to remove things from my sight. No one is aware of how suicidal i am, including my t. Which is why im goin crazy. Most ppl think im this cool somewhat attractive teen with attitude and no care for anything; like i just make things happen without any effort. If i wouldnt write it here id of been a goner long ago. Also im in a private school, so if i request things to be removed itll become a whole gory situation, with everyone coming onto my back. Whatev.

All of the above is showing your T doing the work with you not doing any work.

I worked hard enuf to actually go. So i dont wanna discuss my mom, i dont wanna deal with it yet. But i dont get why we aint tacklin anything else. How do u actually deal with things?
So since youre sayin that i dont do any work, i shouldnt go back?

So ive got a low self esteem, wat do u expect?

As of now im neways not goin bak

Very good that you are working hard to actually go. If a minor has issues, of course it is related to the parents. Why not deal with the root of the problem? You deal with things by facing them, discussing things with your therapist. Of course you should go back!