Trying to figure this one out.

Hey. So, um, I want to know why I cut.

There's nothing wrong with my life, I'm one of the cleverest kids in my year, competing at an international level in my chosen sport and have good mates.

Yet, I still cut myself. Not every day, and only over old scars so people won't find out, but... I don't know. I know it's bad, and wrong, but I don't get why I do it.

Anyone have any ideas at all?

Hey,
Its good that you came here. Right up front I see three things that tell me you hurt, feel guilty and probably ashamed. You are trying to hide what you are doing, calling it bad and wrong. Are you sure that isn't what you are thinking about yourself? I know, psychobabble. Really though, you are a high achiever at a young age, and as good as that is, it also creates a lot of pressure for you. My guess is that people expect a lot from you, and even if you enjoy competition, and get good grades, you feel the pressure. You are probably good at controlling your anxiety at some level, otherwise you couldn't successfully compete at the level you are at, but sports and grades are not all there is to you.

Sometimes we spend so much time trying to live up to other people's expectations, that personal feelings are put aside or kept in a room behind a door that we try not to open. If you look around at the people in this section of the forum, they are intelligent, artistic and sensitive. Not all come from bad situations, though many do. Something is bothering you. It could be the pressure of always trying to be the best at what you do, or perhaps you have something bothering you and no one to talk to. I don't mean gripping about something with your friends, but rather things that are inside, personal and painful. SI usually gives people some sort of temporary relief from something. I don't think I'd call it wrong or bad. Its not an effective way of coping with emotional pain, but it doesn't make you a bad person.

Since you are using the term "mates", I'm guessing you are not from the US, and if that is true, I don't know what kind of health system or insurance you have where you are. You need to talk to someone though. I understand not wanting to have anyone find that you are cutting. People that don't understand it might turn away or think the cutter is weird. You aren't alone in that. I still have to come up with explainations for all the scars I have and feel like the people that notice them see right through the excuses. There are some good therapists that see cutters and won't judge you. Going to a therapist doesn't mean you are crazy, and since they have to keep it between you and him or her, you don't have to worry about it getting out. If you don't want your parents to know (God knows I didn't and they still don't!), you can tell them you feel a little stressed about competition and want to talk to someone about it.

Please don't beat yourself up about what you are doing. You are already punishing yourself. You aren't a bad person, or crazy or weak. You've just gotten stuck somewhere and need help getting out. My biggest worry is that you might inadvertantly cut too deep and either permanantly disable a limb or bleed out. It happens. If you aren't ready to go outside the forum for help, then come here when you feel like you might be in danger of cutting yourself. You don't want to look back ten years from now and think, "gee, I could have done something back then to stop myself" and still be cutting.
Let us know how you are doing.

Sam2

Thanks Sam. You're right, I'm a Kiwi, and I've got no idea how our medical system works for things like this. I've had dealings with doctors in the past (purely physical things - completely unrelated) and hate the environment. Not so keen to go back to it. I did tell a mate, a couple of months ago, but he seemed to not worry about it that much. Reckoned the best thing to do was to keep cutting until I felt like stopping.

I've been having suicidal dreams recently. Not thoughts, because I know its not going to happen, yet dreaming about it. The thing is though, nothing is bothering me, as far as I can tell. I feel slightly down a bit, but not overly so. So am I just being melodramatic about it?

People cut because they are overwhelmed with emotions. Do you think that this is why you do it? How is your relationship with your family?

My family's great. I fight with my mum every so often, but its over trivial things, and they aren't big things either. I don't know why I do it, I'm not hugely emotional and nothing in my life is bad. So it feels wrong to do it, because there's no real reason as far as I can tell. I'm not depressed and I haven't been abused. So why I do it is a mystery to me. It gets rid of the moods, but I could probably deal with those without a blade.

Right, so my family has seen the scars on my upper arm. Good thing they were nearly healed. My brother and sister haven't said anything, but Mum asked questions, and didn't believe my answers. Dad just asked if I was cutting.

Now, I'm terrified. I don't want them to deal with this. Both sets of grandparents have passed away recently, so my parents really shouldn't have to put up with my problems.

The other thing that's happened is that one of my friends has told me she's suicidal. She's been into hospital and is on medication. Since she lives about 18 000 km away, I've got no real opportunity to talk to her face to face.

So, rather ironically, I now feel I have a reason to cut. Now, I feel like ****. So I've moved where I cut because Mum keeps checking my arms.

Just a warning. You arn't going to wake up one day and magically not want to cut. It IS going to get worse. You may be able to just move where you do it right now, but it doesn't take long to run out of skin. I know you probably think you will never go 'that far', but you will. It sounds like you have already been setting bounderies that you can't keep, so you set new ones, (how often, where, etc.). Being prone to addiction often comes with higher inteligence. I really encourage you to read "before you make the first cut". Find other ways to cope now, it will only get harder.

You are worried about your friend and it makes you want to cut. To me, this sounds like you do have issues dealing with emotions. Maybe your family doesn't deal with emotions very well so you haven't learned how to do it either?

Me again. I told my family, but the reaction was more ambivalence than anything. Mum said she figured it out and wasn't too worried. Siblings didn't care - all my brother took from it is that he wants tattoos. Dad seems to worry a bit, he keeps checking on my stress levels and has been trying to get me to take things down a notch.

I've realised the levels I have to achieve at are the main reason as to why I do it. That and I'm worried for several of my friends, who also cut and one who is suicidal. Most of my mates wouldn't care if they did know - the only ones who would understand are those who do it themselves, and there's no way I'm talking to them about it.

Its getting worse as well. Whereas before six or seven cuts would calm me down, now it takes twenty plus. I'm taking eight subjects this year while everyone else does five, learning the ukulele as well as skipping two grades to achieve higher with my bass guitar, and I'm being encouraged to start seriously training for the Rio Olympics. And the thing is, I have to do all of these things PERFECTLY to keep being accepted as I am and keep everyone thinking that I'm fine. Because boys don't cry.

Sorry for ranting, but thanks for reading.

The action of hurting your body releases endorphins into your system. These endorphins make you feel better. It also crosses us over from emotional pain to physical.

You may be cutting more because you are in more mental pain and need more endorphins but it might be more helpful to find other ways to deal with you emotional issues. Running could be a healthy was to get more endorphins into your system in the short term. But you may need to talk it out with some-one like a professional.

I am glad that your dad is keeping an eye on you. Maybe you could start with your Dad and see what he thinks. He is probably worried about you. Let him show you he cares.

I agree, can you talk more to your dad so that you can take things down a notch and lower your stress levels? Who needs you to be perfect?

I told my suicidal friend about the self harm, because of the guilt I felt at being such a hypocrite. She is understandably furious. Since then, I've discovered she's tried it herself. My fault. So the best thing to do about it would be to completely cut contact (she lives in Austria so its possible) but I'm too selfish and don't think I could manage it. How could I have been so stupid? I'm a total screwup.

I'm expected to be perfect by everyone, simply because its possible for me. I'm not a very good person, so being perfect at anything else helps to redeem me.

Wow, how did you get to the point where you view yourself so negatively? Do you get negative feedback from your parents?

I would call it more realistic and honest, rather than negatively. No, my parents are all 'you did your best, well done' with pretty much anything - whether I fail an exam or win an international title. And whenever I do fail, everyone around me says, 'Oh its okay, it doesn't matter'. None of them get that it DOES matter. A lot. The success I can get is the only reason people want to hang around me.

So you feel that you are only valued by what you do and not who you are?

In a nutshell, yes.

This will cause you trouble, as you can already see.

Cutting isn't enough anymore. I'm making upwards of 40 cuts a day and it doesn't help. I can't keep going on like this. It hurts too much.

Papewaio, something needs to change in your life that is causing you these urges.

Yeah, I get that, but I can't change how people see me. This is getting too difficult, I can't keep it up. I might just leave. Then nobody has to pretend to me anymore.

You are looking at all of this like you are powerless. You are not powerless. It is how YOU see yourself.

I do appreciate you trying to help Sannah - I really do. But from where I am, it looks like I'm pretty powerless. I can't tell my dad, or anyone how bad its getting. That disappointment is too much for me to handle, and even cutting doesn't help like it used to. There's no way for me to stop feeling like this - and its not fair to force anyone else to try and solve my problems, particularly since there are people who are dealing with much worse than I am and doing just fine. I'm just not good enough. I'm sorry.

Papewaio, this does happen, where a person thinks they are between a rock and a hard place but you do have options. Are there any adults who you trust who you can reach out to?

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I got straight A's, was in all the academic competitions (took trig and calculus my freshman year of highschool at the same time), although things were not great at home, it wasn't like my friends' homes (where there was physical abuse, severe neglect, raising their siblings, etc.) I felt stupid for not being able to handle it. Originally I felt like a lot of pressure was placed on me to achieve, because I was capable of it. I eventually figured out that it was me putting the pressure on myself. I eventually lost most of my academic friends, at first they ignored my cuts but when it got more serious it freaked them out and they quit spending time with me. The only people who stood by me were also those who cut. I was forced into telling my parents (long story), my mom was upset at first but when she talked to my doctor he told her it was just a phase I would grow out of (wrong wrong wrong) and so she ignored it. My dad was concerned and felt helpless. I hid it. He didn't need the added pain. But he did the smartest thing and got me a therapist (which was before I had actually started cutting)(thankfully we had insurance through my moms job), it took a few to find the right fit (there are some wack-jobs out there), but she helped teach me a lot of things. Medication also helped a lot, they addressed depression first because I was suicidal, but eventually got to some of my other mental issues, and the depression meds also helped me work through things in therapy that otherwise would have overwhelmed me. Some things that helped me in highschool were to drop some of my load. It was hard to give up and kind of embarassing, I felt like the other intelligent classmates were looking down on me, but in reality, I think they had so much on their plate that they really could have cared less what I was up to (I took regular english my senior year instead of advanced), and took a few classes at the community college instead. That way I was making the most for my time too, although it meant getting salutatorian instead of validictorian (which was hard)....

Sorry, I have more I want to write but my son is pulling at me so I'll be back later.

And I return after brief mental breakdown...
Okay, the thing that helped me the most through highschool was focusing on one person that talked to me during the day, sometimes even just looked at me (preferably someone I respected). At the end of the day I would think to myself about how they would feel if I killed myself. I knew most of them probably wouldn't miss me. But what mattered to me is that they would probably question themselves and feel some sort of guilt for most of their life. Should I have seen something? Is there something I should have said? WHat if I had just talked to them? Did I make a difference? Did I push them over the edge? Is there anything I could have done? The 'what if's', 'should I's', 'did I's' are endless. When something happens to someone you are in contact with (not even liked or are friends with), the natural response is questioning your part in it. I don't want them to face that. My desire to die has nothing to do with the people around me, and I don't ever want any of them to feel like they even might have done something wrong, or even just missed the chance to do something right. Many people would have known they did nothing to push me over the edge, but they would still have wondered if they could have stopped it. I really would encourage you to consider medication though. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you smart, to know when you need some extra help.