Can't stop thinking about it.

((adam)),

I think it is great that you finished school and have a job, that is something to be proud of.

Do you plan "doing things for enjoyment"?, for yourself and together with Sarah? Can you budget in some extra "play dates?" so to speak? It is important to do things that are interesting and enjoyable to give your brain a break from thinking about the grind of have to's.

What I always did is to add things into my life that were "positive" and what that means is making sure I didn't watch alot of "violence or down things" but instead, more motivational/upbeat things on TV or at the Movie Theater. There is now an endless supply of "violence or negetive content" on television now adam, it is not good for the brain to constantly be taking that in. What I have noticed is in the past 20 years there has been such an increase in the entertainment industry where we are constantly exposed to material that is "negetive". Turning on the television means lots of programs that have themes about "crime, serial killing mysteries, hospital and medical illness solving programs, just alot of "negetive". It didn't use to be that way, when I was your age there were good comedies and much more "positive" programs and much more "creative" writing included in the entertainment world. So make sure you monitor what you are watching or taking in "for entertainment". Do your best to make it a point to expose your mind to things that are creative, positive, and interesting, even fun.

I don't know what is in your area where you live, but pick of the local paper and see what is going on around you too. There are often plays and all kinds of interesting things you can do that are not that expensive either. See if there is any kind of class, fun class that you and Sarah could go to, like a cooking class or something fun and off beat. What I am saying is you have to add in some "good" and "interesting" so you are not just on a constant daily grind.

I do need to have more fun in my life. Me and my wife like playing video games together. It has been a while since we played together but we started playing a game we used to play recently. I like online games from the social aspect too. Playing with a few other people and talking for a few hours. We also like to go out to restaurants. It's been a while since we been to a new place. Me and my wife aren't violent movie and TV type. When we do it is usually cartoons like south park or family guy. I tend to avoid the newspaper and news. It always seems like it is about bad stuff and that depresses me, so I try and stay in my own little world.

I haven't I guess since earlier last year, but I think about it every day and what it would feel like and where I would do it... It's hard if it helped you cope with things and you are still feeling those things and have no outlet. I really only stopped because it wasn't enough and was afraid I would keep going, not even knowing what I was doing anymore, really.
And I did it before I was even depressed, to deal with my extreme anxiety...so there are lots of reasons people do it and I guess it's not all for one clear reason even for one person.
And it's hard if you aren't getting enough support from your wife...I don't think people who aren't depressed can truly understand it. I hope the two of you can get back into therapy together.
(So if I said something totally off base, please ignore it as I only skimmed the previous posts). I do wish you the best of luck. Keep finding other ways to get your feelings out...you've made it 8 years!

I just wanted to say that, I know how you feel. What usually helps me when i feel the urge is to find something that I can distract myself with. I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does

I think about it a lot. I know it's not healthy and there a better ways to handle the feelings that make me want to hurt myself. I think a part of me wants to punish and hurt myself for feeling depressed. There was a couple of time I intentionally scratched myself. Not to the point where I drew blood, but I wanted to keep going. I also took a razor apart. I didn't cut myself, but I almost did. I think Sarah's reaction to seeing new scars is what stopped me. We never talked about self harming, but I don't think it would go over very well.

I went that route. Don't do it. It will haunt you if you do.

Adam, I hope you can get a therapist and start exercising again.

Last week was pretty bad, but I'm hopeful for this week. I think the meds are starting to help. I haven't felt down the last couple of days. I need to keep up with exercising. It helps vent some frustration. Sex helps to, but I don't think sex is really therapy. I need to find a new T. I'm glad I didn't hurt myself last week. I know I felt bad, but I don't think I would be feeling good right now if I did. I need to find better ways to deal, when I start getting that low.

Sex isn't therapy but it is self care and just being human. Both exercising and sex are better ways to deal.

I need to find better ways to deal with anger. I get so angry with myself when I feel depressed. I have a hard time dealing with anger in general. I have a really hard time being mad at people. I tend to blame myself for things other people do and then I start avoiding people that I should be mad at. There are a lot of family member ai barely talk to anymore. I'm not missing anything from them, but I should be mad at the things they done, but more so I tend to blame myself.

I think a little bit of that is what happened last week. I was kinda sad to start with and the whole thing with Sarah's loan happened. I should have been mad at her, But I was more mad at myself for not knowing about it. Part of me felt guilty for not taking care of the payments for her. I know it is her responsibilty and she should he the one to pay it back. Maybe it is codepency. I think a part of me like that she relies on me so much for everything and that is why I didn't lush her to get work and do more. I just let her sit around and do what she wanted without any complaints from me. It's not healthy for either one of us. She needs to do her part and be an equal in the releationship. I think therapy would help me sort all of these feelings out. Right now it is a mishmash of feelings.

I don't think that you need to be angry with yourself because you are depressed. I'm sure that you feel depressed for good reasons. I'll bet that you are reacting normally to things that aren't good?

Do you not want others to feel pain?

This is good insight. Working through this with a T would be great.

As a general rule I try not to cause anyone pain, but what I mean is I should have felt angry that she didn't take of her loans and she let them go to the point they defaulted. She didn't use the money that she got from her college friends gave us for rent staying here for a few months to pay for the loan like I told her to. The last payment she made was over a year ago. I should have been mad at her about that, but I wasn't. I remember being angry at myself instead for not making sure this was taken care of. I know logically that is not right, but how do you change the way you feel?

Do you understand why you couldn't be upset with her?

It is a jumbled mess of feelings, but I think it is an esteem issue. I think in the back of my mind if I get angry with her she won't like me, so I turn all of it in on myself. It doesn't feel like a concious choice, but more a natural way of acting. Not sure where I learned to do this or why.

Makes sense to me. Do you think that you have always done this?

I think so. I'm not sure why. Maybe neglect as a child. I can't think of any time or thing where I did get mad though. I remember my brother being the opposite. He got mad at everything. He had a really bad temper. He is 4 years older than me. We never really got along. He was an jerk to me a lot. My family also showed him a lot of favoritism which made me feel worse about myself.

I wasn't abused as a child, or at least I don't remember anything happening. I do remember a little before my parents split up and I remember my dad passed out a lot on the couch. I think it was drugs, but I can't remember many details. My dad had a major drug problem for a long time. That is why my parents broke up. He got clean after the seperation. He went to some clinic for help. I remember going there with him a few times when AlI was little. I wonder if being neglected is the cause of my esteem issues. I mean I had food, clothes, and a home, but I don't remember any emotional development or praise.

Children build self worth by getting messages from their parents that they are valuable. When a parent spends time on and with their kid and puts their needs first, this tells the kid that they are valuable. If a kid's needs are neglected this gives the message that they aren't valuable. This was the message that I got as a kid.

I think that to correct this a person needs to see that their parent's were wrong. Every child is valuable and deserves to be taken care of and get their needs met.

It hard to challenge these feelings. It's strange but I still feel like a kid when I think about these feelings. I got a lot of discouragement from my uncle's that lived with my dad. It's hard to admit that I didn't get what I needed as a child. When I think about it with what I know now, I can say my childhood should have been much better. There were things that should have been different. But in some ways I still feel like that child with people around me that didn't support me, even though those people aren't part of my life anymore.

I think my mom not wanting to be around didn't help anything either. In many ways I felt alone and like I had to take care of myself. After my dad died, I felt like I didn't have anyone in my life I could rely on. It wasn't until I met my wife I had a sense of belonging and trust. Sometimes it is hard to feel normal caring all that around. I try to feel good about myself, and say I am a good person. I try to make a positive influence in this world, but somedays I just want to tear myself down and say I am worthless. I fight it for the most part. Although, when I start getting depressed it is much more difficult.

Like you are fighting them? I think it is more helpful to dive into them and understand them and then work your way out of them.

Makes total sense. You accumulated these feelings when you were a kid so when they come out now your inner child is "alive".

I'll bet. I'll bet she was meeting her needs and not avoiding you, though. Adults who can't parent correctly usually weren't parented correctly themselves. They have a lot of unmet needs.

What is normal anyway? We can only be where we are at, at the moment. We have good reasons to be where we are at, at the moment.