SI Daily Check In

Thanks. It's not stopping it from coming out here, but I can stop him from seeing me at the hospital.

AmyFed07--How long will U B in the hospital?? What underlying condition do U
have that causes U to need your spleen out? :

I know I'm not going to act on it, but the suicidal thoughts are bad right now. People are angry at me and I just want out.

Breakmystride--I know how U feel(have felt that way recently myself). R people
really angry w/ U or R U being overly sensitive(that's me) or R U being a little
paranoid?? If U have a psych doc or T,please call one of them in the morning, &
talk about how your feeling. Good Luck!!

I'll only be overnight at the hospital as far as I know. And I have autoimmune thrombocytopenia.

AmyFed07--I'm glad you'll be in overnight. I'm sorry that U have issues w/ your
Dad & that him coming is going to B stressful to U. I'll have 2 look up your auto-
immune thrombocytopenia. I don't know too much about it. I have asthma &
ulcerative colitis,which are both autoimmune diseases. Asthma is just now being
looked at as an autoimmune disease. I have a strong family history of autoimmune disease. Hang in there. Good Luck in the final stretch of OB & PEDS.

I haven't since August but today I took a break at work and did it in the bathroom. I don't get urges in itself to do this, but when I am overwhelmed emotionally I have done it to relieve the emotional pain like transferring it to physical pain and I feel a calmness. Usually it's when I feel like I am stupid and someone has said something that hurt me, so I hurt myself as a way of not letting them be the ultimate one that hurt me since it was me that did it. I don't know if that makes sense. Lately the depression hurts to the point where my head hurts and everything is dark in my head. Yet I have to keep it together at work and keep going otherwise I could lose everything since I am my only sole support. I live alone and there is no family that would help me. I have been pretty good at talking myself out of SI when I have been emotional. My doctor doesn't understand why I have done this. So I don't talk about it to anyone not even him.

LymaBeane--I know EXACTLY how U feel. I self-harm to relieve emotional distress. After I cut,I do feel calm & relieved. Later on I regret having done it,&
not having dealt w/ whatever more appropriately.
The thing that bothers me the most about your post is what U said about your doctor. I'm sorry your doc doesn't understand & isn't supportive of U. I have an
issue w/ pdoc @ the moment,but still think he is very good. My T is excellent &
is extremely supportive. If you don't have a dr. & T that U can trust & R basically
supportive in which U can B honest about what is going on w/ U,& B HEARD BY
THEM when U R in distress then U need to get a new pdoc,& T. I know that's scary,but it may B the best thing 4 U.

Yesterday was a bad day for me with SI. I messed up and don't want to tell my therapists when I talk to them next.

AmyFed07--Sorry to hear that. Will write soon. Hang in there!!

Just kind of impulsively sat in my car and used one of my makeshift blades to cut a small (dime/nickel) sized broken heart into my inner arm. I'm oddly very satisfied with it. I just do the most random things sometimes. *shrug* At least my moods been pleasant lately.

tealBumblebee--First of all,it's so good to hear from you. I'm sorry U carved on
yourself. What was going on in your mind when you cut yourself?? It doesn't make sense to me that your mood could B okay & at the same time your cutting
yourself. I have been having a very hard time recently with cutting too. I was talking w/ 2 of my best friends who know about my problems. I gave them the
razor blades I had,but didn't want to give them my scissors,even though I only
carry them so I have something to hurt myself w/ if I feel the need. My friends,
D & J,made the point that while scissors do have useful purposes,for someone like me,they are a temptation to me & therefore not a good thing for me to carry
around,if I'm serious about wanting to NOT CUT. Recently I cut & didn't get the
same sense of relief & calm that I normally get. That means the next time I cut,
if I do--which hopefully I won't---I will have to cut deeper in order to get the relief I will be seeking. Pls let me know what you're thinking.

i didn't do it today!. so you can all pat me on the back and say well done. lol... but yeah, 1 day for me is like a lot

Hey Aern,

Thanks. Its lovely to hear from you as well No need to be sorry about my caring, I don't actually regret it - if anything its made my urges worse. I've kind of just been struggling today in communicating and people have mistaken me in being in a bad mood but I have actually been in a good mood just quiet/thoughtful. So maybe I was frustrated, I don't know. Either way it was a sense of calm to I guess help keep me that way.

Giving those tools to your friends was a really big big big step! Congrats. If you really want to stop then I think I would mostly agree with your friends that you should give up the scissors too. I also think that its really good that you have a good support system with your friends and wish you the best on successfully ending the self harming you wish to

*Pats on back* WELL DONE!!!!

Hi tealBumblebee--Thanks for the (+) comments. It's difficult,but I'm trying not
to cut. I am still picking my scabs off. I understand how cutting gives that sense
of calm,but is it worth it if it makes your urge to cut worse & hard to control.
Be safe!!

been doing a lot all ready today.

angry at myself for not doing it yesterday- need my coping method back. so yeah.. doing it a lot on the legs

Shattered sanity--I am sorry that U R having such a hard time. I have used cutting as a coping mechanism too,but my T & I have worked on finding more
positive coping mechanisms. Do U have a psych doc or a T that U can talk to
about your need to use cutting as your "coping mechanism"??

I did SI the other day...not really sure why and I can't trace back my emotions leading up to it. I think I just wanted to see if it still hurt, if it still had the same effect. I've been having a lot of urges lately though. O_o

The past couple weeks, I've been cutting less but I've been self-harming in other ways. I think I did more damage than I meant to, and I'm scared.

I've been cutting and picking at my cuts every day this weekend. I tried calling my T with my Skype account but she didn't answer, so she had no way of calling me back.

I don't even know what to do anymore.

did a little on my legs.

not too bad

AmyFed07--
I can SO IDENTIFY w/ what U have been doing!!!

usual harming on the legs..... sigh

Major urges fueled by very bad paranoia. Trying to make it through.