SI Daily Check In

Resorted back to old habits today. Unfortunately it wasn't as satisfying as it was enticing me to do more. Stopped while i was ahead though

Wanting to bleed but no matter how hard I try I don't see a drop of blood...

I have serious urges to self harm. So I'm staying away from sharp objects, listening to metal with my head phones on so I can't hear the voices telling me to hurt myself and hoping that I can make it another day without cutting.

Having lesser urges lately.. which is good. But conversely, my sui thoughts are getting worse

I found another way to fight the urges. It involves reblogging depressing posts on tumblr. But it's a way I can express things that go on inside my mind without the use of words. Because words cannot fully describe my mind. But I gave my boyfriend a scare. He seems to be very worried by all of the depressing images I reblogged. But I have to let it out somehow. I still have urges, but I'm not going down without a fight. I'm doing this for him, for myself and for a future free from the endless secretive cycle that has taken over my life.

Got a lot of anxiety (headaches & chest pains) from resisting the urge to self harm. Battling my "be happy & ignore bad things" vs. "give in to self pity and hate yourself" sides for the last two days since certain family members came to town.

Wanting to give up, give in to urges. On the verge of doing just that. Once I start again I won't be able to stop. I've just been so depressed, I can't take it anymore. I want to feel that sense of relief again yet I don't want to ruin my progress. So frustrated right now.

This morning I cracked under the pressure. I usually SI straight before getting in the shower. So, for three days I procrastinated like crazy about showering because I had really strong urges and I was afraid I'd fall apart and act on them if I took a shower. But my hygiene needs got the better of me. I couldn't stand the thought of being dirty and having greasy hair. In the end I relapsed... I lost the battle this time. But the war is far from over.

Really struggled yesterday with urges...hopefully today is better.

Yesterday and the day before.

Really fighting the urges to s.i. Funny,don't know why I even thought the new year would be different. I just can't seem to make the right decisions. Depression is getting worse and I feel myself about to give in/up.
Can't handle being alone.

***** everything about 2014 so far.

maybe 2015 will be better... :/

Earlier today I made a conscious decision to do something productive instead of cutting myself. Now I feel like guilty about that, like I should have given in. And the next time, I'm probably going to feel like I need to cut worse to make up for it.

i wanted to cut myself... and i found myself eating. this is weird.

One thing that I have learned from all this is that "the higher you climb, the farther you have to fall". The longer you go without SI, the farther you "fall" when you relapse in terms of regret, guilt, etc. So, not cutting doesn't necessarily make the urges go away, but the longer you go without it, the more scared you will be to do it again because of the emotional consequences after.

Well, this is true for me anyways. Just a personal takeaway that I felt like sharing.

- AJ

I feel like I'm losing it. I haven't been online for a couple of days because my friend came over to celebrate New Year's with me. The night before she came over, at 9:00pm I looked at my wallpaper in on my bed room walls and saw the hearts on it actually beating. I was well rested, so I couldn't pin it down to tiredness and I know for a fact that it wasn't a dream. While my friend was there, I was about to go to bed the night after and as I got in bed I saw a shadow person watching me, beside my bed. My friend was asleep in the living room at the time and I was definitely awake. Earlier on today I felt the urge to pick the scabs off of my body and I reopened my wounds. I haven't got the slighted idea of why. Maybe it was because they were itchy. I don't know anymore. And I just don't care. I have urges to cut. But I really don't want to do that. I just want to be clean from it... But it's not that easy. It never is...

Got really strong urges to cut now... I want to do it and I don't really care how deep it is. Well I do, I need it to be deep...little scratches just ain't gonna do the trick.

Having really high urges today... Trying to track the thoughts and emotions causing it but can't quite pin it down. Maybe that's why?

I just really feel like i have to do it.

I SI'd today to stop feeling numb, but it didn't work. I kind of want to force myself to SI. I deserve to be hurt, and no one else will do it. I want to punish myself for being SO stupid, inadequate, and shameful. :-(

hmm... take 10 mins and step back before u do. pm me

I want to cut so badly. But I'm holding back. I promised myself that I'd leave my skin to heal; to watch my scars slowly fade. It's so hard though. Especially since I just want to give up because I just don't see the point in trying to anything anymore. But I don't want to give up. I want to be free from it all. Argh! Stupid conflicting thoughts.

Made it through yesterday without SI. Now I need to make it through today...trying to keep busy.

I really want/need to cut again I feel so rubbish that I don't know what else to do about it

Been close to a year since I have cut. Was hitting myself, bruising really bad, but have that under control lately.
That said, I went into by little box of tools under the kitchen sink, and there was an unopened pack of box cutter blades. My first tool before I started buying the little ones that people use in razors. Swear they were just screaming at me to use them.
Thing is family crud is so out of hand. Been struggling since September, bouncing from one trigger to family crisis, over and over. Am emotionally and physically exhausted/drained from it.
I so want to open that package. But I know that if I do, I won't be able to stop with just one wound.... er for staples/stitches, and possible hospitalization.
I am fighting this, successfully so far. My thought this morning, is if I can get through the next few days, not letting all of them getting me so upset and giving them that power over me... that will be a true victory

I just spent an hour going through all my hiding places... and then searching through drawers for one's I might have forgotten over the years. Boxed them all up, wrapped ... giving them to my eldest brother later this morning.
I think that keeping my tools as a security blanket is dangerous, but also unnecessary at this point in my life.