Disappointed in my mom

I thought we had gotten to a point in our recovery where I could turn to her for help in my recovery. I was wrong. I wrote to her to see if she had any information on something that may have happened when I was a kid that would account for the rage I feel when I have to find anything at all. She wrote back and said she couldn't think of anything then she started talking about my son and how when I was in the hospital they took him to lunch and he was running a knife over his wrist. When they told him to stop it he said "Mommy did it." She thinks that is why he continues to cry over the death of our cat and his grandpa.

Why would she bring that up right now? Is it a knee jerk reaction to the fact that I was curious about why I am so (place expletive here) up? Is it just another jab? ARGH. I feel bad enough about the pain I have caused my kids already. I am trying. I have done a whole (another expletive) of a lot more to help my kids cope with my illness then she ever even attempted when I was a kid. Is she jealous of me because I am aware of what my kids are going through and want to help them. Does she look at me as being more successful at parenting and resent it? All I know is it really (another expletive) me off.
Sorry for cussing so much,
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

If we could always count on our moms, we probably wouldn't be here now, would we? It would be so nice if our moms would grow up and turn into someone we can trust and rely on. Maybe they aren't capable of it, and are doing the best that they can.

We have to be the moms now and hope that we can do better. That's a scary thought, isn't it? But I think we have an advantage in being able to acknowlege our problems and being willing to work on it.



<font color=orange>"Everyone has a need for significance; and if we can't make that possible, or even probable, in our society, then it will be obtained in destructive ways." -Rollo May</font color=orange>

Rapunzel,
I often wonder what it will be like when my daughter is grown. Will she listen to the answering machine, screening her calls to see if it is me on the line? Will she not pick up because it is just too painful to talk to me? I hope not. Things are much different between to the two of us then between my mom and I. My daughter and I talk every day about stuff, a day isn't complete without our quiet time together. I could spend days not saying a word to my mom because I was busy staying out of her line of sight.

Ozzie,
I am fairly certain that is what was occurring. I don't think it was on purpose either, I really don't believe Mom would be spiteful enough to hurt me that way intentionally. It still hurts though. It still makes it so I can't feel safe with her. I guess I should stop hoping that one day it will be safe to be her daughter and just move on. I need to accept her as the imperfect creature she is and stop wanting her to be something she isn't and never was. It is hard though. Why am I driven so much by the desire to have a mom who can take care of me?
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

The need of a child for a mother is huge and it doesn't go away. I still have it too. My mother at age 65 went into therapy for the first time for herself.

After all this time it is not safe to totally trust her. I wish it was --I hurt cos it isn't. I have found a measure of acceptance in knowing how badly her mother used her. I have wanted desperately for her to be honest with what she did to me and does to me and she is never going to be able to do that.

About a month ago I had a dream about it all. My T has had me send myself as an adult into some of my nightmares to rescue myself as a child. In this particular dream, Mom was kicking me and I stopped her and told her that it was not right and I didn't deserve it. The younger me tried to get Mom to say she was sorry for hurting me, but just like real life she denied that it had happened. I was holding myself and told me that I wasn't gonna get that from Mom and would have to accept from the adult me that it wasn't right and wasn't deserved and I was sorry that we had had to endure it. I know this is confusing but it seems to have lifted some of the weight of it all off my heart.

~D~

It isn't confusing at all, It makes a lot of sense actually. Are you able to do this in the actuall dream or after you have woken up?
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

I guess it is a gift but I have done a lot of it in my dreams. I am not sure how it works but I know it only works in the dreams that repeat and repeat. T says that this is part of how I work things out. I dream about the awful stuff, I have flashbacks I try different solutions in the dreams and seem to come to some kind of resolution. It doesn't always work -- I get stuck more often than not and have to work in therapy to find a way out. But in the end I seem to cap each gain with a dream in which I reclaim, heal or console the toddler, child and teen. It seems like a lot of hard work to make very slow progress but so far it seems to work for me.

~D~