[Abby]

If it is possible could I ask for ongoing support this weekend? It has been a difficult few weeks with my employment and I've just yesterday been signed off sick for two weeks because my mental health is not good at all. But it is my best friends wedding so I am around a lot of people. I am so happy to be here and celebrate with her and it is really fantastic, but I have to, at the same time, accept my deteriorated mind set makes me a lot more vulnerable. Although I know quite a few people I am quite paranoid that I am doing things wrong or bad. This then triggers the self harm thoughts which are near constant and makes it hard to concentrate. Ideally I would rather not self harm in any shape or form because I want this to be a memory I can look back on with goodness but at the same time incessant thoughts and urges are really hard and part of me wonders if I should get it out of my system...except I know it'll only temporarily help. Later tonight I will attempt to do some grounding when I have more than a few minutes to myself but right now I am a bit lost and would value somewhere to talk about this stuff without it leaking into my real life. I thought I perhaps could ring my family to tell them and get help but I'm just too ashamed to tell them the graphicness of the thoughts and I need someone to hear it too.

Sorry, if you could reply that would mean a lot. I will try to check in when I can but will read any replies and very much value them!

Thank you.

[Piraeus]

I don't know much about self injury.I did it once to get attention. It was a dumb thing to do. There is a thread about self injury, here on PC that may be of help. I will pray for you that everything goes well at your best friend's wedding.I'm sure it means a lot to her, that you are there with her.

Maybe it would be good to sit down with your immediate family and tell them you need help. I know it's tough, but necessary.There is also a thread on PC for self esteem. Once you build up your self esteem, you will be ready to conquer the world.

Sincerely,

Piraeus

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Piraeus

I don't know much about self injury.I did it once to get attention. It was a dumb thing to do. There is a thread about self injury, here on PC that may be of help. I will pray for you that everything goes well at your best friend's wedding.I'm sure it means a lot to her, that you are there with her.

Maybe it would be good to sit down with your immediate family and tell them you need help. I know it's tough, but necessary.There is also a thread on PC for self esteem. Once you build up your self esteem, you will be ready to conquer the world.

Sincerely,

Piraeus

I appreciate your support but I don't think self harm should be said to be a "dumb thing to do" for whatever reason. It is a coping mechanism for me, a way of getting out very overwhelming and painful emotions. I have a lot of knowledge surrounding my own self harm issues. If you would like to learn more there are a lot of articles to read both on this forum and elsewhere online.

I am not currently with family, and they are obviously aware that I am not well since I have had to be signed off work. I am not in a position emotionally to deal with this wedding plus shame of telling my family right now. Hence why i hope for support from those that can relate and have the same sort of issues. My mental health problems are not linked to self esteem issues either.

I really would just like some support for how bad I'm feeling in order to cope with this weekend in the best way I can.

[puzzclar]

I have seen a lot of graphic things, its never easy, but possible to overcome. It takes courage, time, and reaching out for help when you need it the most.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk

[ThisWayOut]

do you have anything that you have found to help ground from the thoughts/urges? I know for me, art helps a lot, or journaling on my phone if I cannot do the art. music helps ground in the moment sometimes, as does sometimes indulging the fantasy in my head (imagining I am following through on the urges and trying to get the feeling without doing the act. sometimes this makes things better, sometimes more unbearable, but thought I would throw it out as an option for you just in case it is something that may help you). I sometimes reach out to a crisis chat, but that needs to be done via the computer because very few are compatible with phones. I have a very difficult time speaking to someone about any of this stuff, so I prefer to write it, but you can also call a local crisis line and they can be in-the-moment help with getting over the urges. Can you try to get lost in the wedding festivities? One thing I have been told to do is tell myself "I am here to enjoy (insert important event here). I know I really want to self-harm right now, but I also really want to enjoy this. I am going to be present at (whatever event) and think about self-harm later when I have some time" I find that giving myself permission to deal with the self-harm at a later time helps ease the thoughts in the moment and I am better able to be present. This only works for me for "special occasions" but it is worth a shot. I knwo the more I tell myself I cannot do something, the more I end up wanting it. If I give myself permission to do it later or think about it later, it lessens a bit. This is actually what got me through a vacation recently that preceded a huge change.
Do you have anything planned for your coming weeks off? More therapy? a treatment program? anything to help with your current issues rather than just languishing? Would it help to make a plan for the time off if you don;t already have one?
Is there anyone at the wedding you can "hook up with" in terms of socializing and keeping busy? Even if you don't tel them what's going on, having someone to hang out with can be helpful sometimes. Also, if you have a therapist, can you place a call and maybe get some interim support to help you through the weekend?
I'm sorry you are struggling with all this. It can be very distracting, even when you are trying to enjoy something truely fun. Hang in there and keep reaching out.

[Abby]

Thank you Thiswayout your reply was so understanding and helpful! One of things I will do is write on here just to get it out of me. Sometimes if I'm internally freaking out and I have nowhere to share it I will be more likely to self harm. I also, probably wrongly, don't want to email my therapist as recently I have a lot and she won't see if for 3 days anyway. But I am keeping it as a big option. I find music really helpful too and will use that to try and help me sleep tonight. Sometimes everything is feels too big physically and music can reduce it down if I have it right next to me and I'm sitting somewhere not too in the open. Breathing deeply helps too when I'm feeling that way. I will do that.

I am definitely trying to stay in the moment of the festivities as much as I can. I found that really hard earlier on my first post and I thought I would explode but it has gotten a bit more relaxed tonight. Tomorrow I can imagine it will be the same. If I keep putting it off and find somewhere to hide if I need some time out, that may be helpful to have as a plan as much as possible. One section/activity at a time.

I don't have any plans for my time off; stuff have not been good for a while but it went worse quickly. But I will try to do that early next week. I can't tell anyone here anything, because I don't know them well and also very inappropriate!

As long as I dont have those horrible huge urges where all of me is screaming to destroy myself and I want to rip off my skin to get out of it - I can manage. I have gotten through today!

Thanks for your understanding and advice.

[Mignates]

Originally Posted by Abby

I appreciate your support but I don't think self harm should be said to be a "dumb thing to do" for whatever reason. It is a coping mechanism for me, a way of getting out very overwhelming and painful emotions. I have a lot of knowledge surrounding my own self harm issues. If you would like to learn more there are a lot of articles to read both on this forum and elsewhere online.

I am not currently with family, and they are obviously aware that I am not well since I have had to be signed off work. I am not in a position emotionally to deal with this wedding plus shame of telling my family right now. Hence why i hope for support from those that can relate and have the same sort of issues. My mental health problems are not linked to self esteem issues either.

I really would just like some support for how bad I'm feeling in order to cope with this weekend in the best way I can.

Hey there,

I am happy that you said something for yourself (and others) about how it should not be stated that self harm is a dumb or stupid thing to do. It is a coping mechanism, and the idea behind it is completely logical.

I have struggled with self harm for years. I haven't found that talking to someone when I am feeling that urge to be very helpful personally. However, talking about what it does for you can be very helpful, because once you understand not WHY you do it, but what you GET from it, you can start to come up with replacement activities.

Hiking, and any sort of physical activity that leaves me sore or exhausted has been very beneficial for me. Along with art and music. Sometimes it's as simple as putting on some loud music and screaming into a pillow until I'm too tired to care. Or going for a long walk.

Some people find that drawing on themselves with a red pen, or holding ice for extended periods of time helps.

As for dealing with family and social situations, it can be hard to let people in on how you are doing, and can be extremely difficult to bring up the topic of self harm. I don't necessarily think you need to tell your family about the self harm itself if you don't feel that you need to. (If you want to tell them or talk to them about it, by all means, don't hold it in) But another option would be to talk to them about how you're feeling. Be it stress, or any other emotion. Talk about the reasons behind why you want to self harm, and come up with a solution, or replacement that you can handle.

All the best to you love.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm glad to hear tonight was a bit better. Sometimes all it takes is reaching out and knowing you are not alone, that someone understasnd you are struggling even if they can't do much to help.
I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of the weekend. Keep checking in.

[jacq10]

((((((((Abby)))))))

So sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. Thoughts of self-harm are often made much worse when you are surrounded with people and have to put on a good face.

The fact that you are resisting the urge to self-harm is an indication that there is a strong and confident person inside you that wants to avoid these thoughts. A strong person who will get you through this incredibly hard time. Try and draw on her strength, and be kind and gentle with yourself as you are with others... because you deserve kindness too.

Keep posting on here, and if possible, try and reach out to someone so that you are not the only one who knows these burdening thoughts.


Jacq

[Abby]

Thank you for all your understanding and support.

I agree that it isn't always necessary to talk about the self harm and that expressing the emotions to family and friends is just as helpful. I rarely discuss self harm with anyone except my therapist because it's pretty tough to admit to and i don't really need to. I think I was finding it hard to find the right words in the first post to tell my family, saying I was overwhelmed just wouldn't have matched it. Actually reflecting back now I wanted someone to know, to offer me support during the time, someone to check in on me etc, and perhaps I found it hard to ask for that from them. So I came here.

I think it was that I needed to not feel alone and to be accepted and understood. I didn't need solutions just someone to listen and respond so I had an outlet somewhere.

Although I did end up minorly self harm (the way I do when I'm most unthinking - always catches me out that silent part of me that wants to self destruct!), I am pleased that I managed so well and felt in control during most of the weekend. Plus, the most important part is that I enjoyed most of the wedding, so I do have good memories and when we talk about it in the future I won't have to fake feelings - and that means a lot to me! I wanted to share in her joy.

Thank you all for your support, it would have been a lot more difficult without it. It means a lot to me.

[Abby]

In a bad bit, again.

I should reach out - just say simple words that I feel a bit crap. Why don't I?

Why do I simply sit here feeling bad?

[Wysteria]

Originally Posted by Abby

In a bad bit, again.

I should reach out - just say simple words that I feel a bit crap. Why don't I?

Why do I simply sit here feeling bad?

I'm sorry that you had such a hard weekend with the urges..also sorry that someone said that hurtful thing. SI is sooo not just about self esteem or bad...it is just a sign that the internal pain level is above your ability to cope with at the moment. I hope you reach out to your T or the dontcut 800 number or the SI prevention boards as well. It is SOOO hard to reach out when you've gotten to that point. Kudos to you for reaching out here too. Keep working on that list of things to do to distract or redirect that internal anger. I would never want you to feel shame coming here or anywhere else. So many people make ignorant assumptions.. I tend to write a lot when I get to this point and wrote some poetry or journaling that tends to help get swirling thoughts and shame spirals a bit more under control.
They are hard to get out of at times and I certainly understand how hard it is to sit in the pain....
Gentle hugs,
- WB

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by Abby

In a bad bit, again.

I should reach out - just say simple words that I feel a bit crap. Why don't I?

Why do I simply sit here feeling bad?

Sounds to me like you are reaching out right now!

I'm sorry that you're feeling like crap.. whats going on?

[Abby]

Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it helped to hear that I am already reaching out, so the self destructive part isn't fully in control - despite how it may feel!

After writing this, later, I managed to talk to my family about some of the stuff swirling around in my mind, stuff with work etc....and how that has brought up lots of previous pain. I even managed to say that I had overwhelming self harm thoughts that were making me extra tired - and it wasn't easy to say (or assumingly hear) but it was good to be honest. I'm so tired of hiding it away like some dirty secret. I don't tell anyone normally, except my therapist but I haven't seen her in quite a few weeks (although had some contact via email).

I'm trying my hardest to accept that I will feel crap after the stress that has happened recently ...And to not let it become a catastrophe that encompasses my whole life. It is hard to sit in the pain when it hurts to high hell - that's so why I need people to hear me, and it makes such a difference to be validated and reassured that I'm doing well....sometimes that pain makes me think it's all bad!

Thank you again.

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by Abby

After writing this, later, I managed to talk to my family about some of the stuff swirling around in my mind, stuff with work etc....and how that has brought up lots of previous pain. I even managed to say that I had overwhelming self harm thoughts that were making me extra tired - and it wasn't easy to say (or assumingly hear) but it was good to be honest. I'm so tired of hiding it away like some dirty secret. I don't tell anyone normally, except my therapist but I haven't seen her in quite a few weeks (although had some contact via email).

Wow. Just wow... that must have taken a lot of courage to share those thoughts with your family! You are stronger than you think! SH shouldn't be a secret, and you shouldn't have to go through things alone... I am in awe that you were able to reach out, and I hope that you get the support and love that you deserve.

[Abby]

Thank you. It's an ongoing process.

Clearly not well today, and trying hard to accept that but went for a coffee with a friend and came home and self harmed just simply because I felt overwhelmed. Ridiculous really.

I have to go out again to meet someone for a drink. I don't want to go but don't know how to say that I can't as I don't know them well..and I'm supposed to be trying to keep going with positive things. I tried to talk to my family but I couldn't and so they of course encouraged me to go because they think (and may be it will be) healthier than sitting feeling crap at home.

Just hate being constantly overwhelmed by everything - but mainly people...who are also the very thing that should and can make me feel better. I hate how complicated it gets! Just feeling angry and I have to go out!

[jacq10]

((((Abby))))

It is not ridiculous that you feel overwhelmed or that you self-harmed. You felt like there was too much going on for you, and you used the coping mechanism that you knew would work to try and reduce those feelings. Is it the best coping mechanism to use? Probably not, but you did what you had to do given the circumstances.

What would make things less overwhelming for you? Are there too many people around? Are there expectations of you? What is it? Whatever it is, try and think of a way that you can give yourself the gift of whatever it takes (e.g., going to a quiet place, going for a walk) in order to make things feel less intense. In the mean time, it might not be a bad idea for you to go meet up with a friend (unless of course that is the reason for your feeling overwhelmed). If that's the case, then it's perfectly fine to say no, and go do something (healthy) that would make you feel better instead.

You can do this.

[Abby]

Great questions - I think I overwhelmed myself by expecting myself to be happy, relaxed and easy in my friend's company. I'm just starting newer friendships - one of my goals for this year is to not let the depression beat me into isolation, so I wasn't able to tell her I was depressed...but I could have said that I wasn't feeling well. I felt pressured to be perfect for her, and obviously I couldn't be and she doesn't expect that either - that's pressure I put on me not her.

I went out for the drink, and it was better than expected - I think I was so angry that I actually didn't worry about having to be perfect and was just me!

So that's me pretty much done socially for a day or two, pretty pleased to have some time to myself. But I also know I have events coming up so I won't be too isolated.

I haven't self harmed today! Just need to break that cycle.

Thank you for your support, it means a lot.

[jacq10]

That's awesome! ((((((Abby))))) so proud of you!!

The closest friendships that I have are the ones in which I don't find myself needing to be perfect. My friends know my deepest darkest secrets (well maybe not ALL of them), and as a result, they feel free to share in their own pain with me. I understand the need to be perfect - I am a HUGE perfectionist - but I personally don't find that perfection plays a role in our relationships. No one is perfect, and so no one expects you to be either.

I'm glad you have some more events coming up, and that you were able to get out and do things. That is GREAT! yay!