don't wanna die this way.

My SI is strange, I take pills, codeiene, and paracetomol, and then feel elated that I am punishing myself secretly...by the end of the day I am physically sick..I never take them all one go but do take a mixture every couple of hours....then the next day like today I can't believe I did it...can't understand what came over me...its like I am playing russian roulette...that I have a fantasy I want to die...but I dont really want to die...not once i'm back in my "normal" mind...I dont' get it...why am I doing this???? I dont want to die this way!!

Do you have a person IRL that you can talk to about this. A therapist or doctor maybe. As you probably know what you are doing is very dangerous and could have a lot of drastic long term affects on your body.

I know what you mean about doing something but not really wanting to but it almost feels like you need it. It can give you a sense of control when you have none.

I really think you should talk to a T though. If you don't get past emotional issues behind this, chances are you won't get past this problem.

Good luck

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Yuh Thanks Icky, I spoke to T last week about it, told her about my fantasy that I want to die, but I know in reality I don't want too. Its the first time I've admitted my fantasy and the first time I've admitted to myself that I don't want to die..Hopefully bringing out into the light of day will help be distinguish fantasy and reality!

Mouse, sometimes I want to do things just to 'stir things up' a bit. I know that I don't want to die by taking pills or cutting myself deep. But I do know that I do this at times in which I feel like I want to get my T's attention, or times in which I feel too 'normal.' I'm not used to the feeling. I am used to always living in extremes. I guess if I'm floating in the middle somewhere I am not comfortable, so I yearn to do something to change that.

yuh I think its partly that as well....cept I've been doing it for yrs, even before T....T said have I told anyone else?...I said no because I enjoy it being my "secret"...we wondered if it is because I've carried a "secret" secretly for yrs??? am I hurting myself with this secret just like the real secret hurts me???...I think there are so many ways into this SI business..

There are so many ways. I hope that telling us about what you have been doing will help you to stop taking dangerous risks like that. How would you feel about posting before you do it next time, so that we can help remind you?

Rapunzal, I am so devious once the obsesssion hits that I just go into auto drive and do it...I've talked about it again today with T though...I've thrown out some of the pills...

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mouse_ said:
I've thrown out some of the pills...

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Good job!

((((((((((((mouse))))))))))))))

yes, please post here so people can talk to you when you're feeling the urge......xxoxoxo pat

(((((mouse)))))
this has been a reminder to me of how I began SIing- I discovered at about 14yo that taking 5x the usual dose of paracetamol helped numb out those depressed, yuck feelings yet I was still able to function fine. It was my way of numbing out my emotions. It became a daily habit for a very long time- until I was sitting in class one day and my eyesight went so blurry I could hardly see a thing.
I am 'healthy'- all the abuse I have done to my body has not harmed it (I wear glasses but I don't know if this actually had anything to do with me needing them?!) yet- my liver function tests are great; I know I am incredibly LUCKY.
Hopefully this will be the same for you; I don't know how long you have been using paracetamol for but for me it is well over 15 yrs (on and off). If you are able to post here and distract yourself etc and avoid taking any that would be ideal, and very brave in admitting you are vulnerable and need help at that point. Good luck and hope you are able to reach out when you need to.

The thing with SI is that it might not kill you. good job with throwing out some of the pills! it's a start.

Sending love!