[SheHulk07]

I feel like I'm slipping back in to serious self harm, or well on my way. Lately with things between my husband and I, I've been back to cutting every few days to every day. I don't care what my husband my think. I want to make myself uglier than I am now.

Possible trigger:

I want to cut deep enough for stitches, even though I probably wouldn't actually get them. I have the thoughts of just slicing through my old surgery scar which is like 8 inches long

I'm the one who is going to end up back on the hospital for not being able to be safe because I refuse to leave this situation right now. So messed up on so many levels.

[Serzen]

I don't understand why one would want to hurt himself/herself, but I hope things get better asap.

[Fuzzybear]

[sinking]

I understand.... how are you now Amy?

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by sinking

I understand.... how are you now Amy?

Still pretty much the same. I cut a spot on my leg pretty bad (for me) yesterday, and it took all evening to stop bleeding. Finally got it to stop, and haven't bothered it today.

[sinking]

Do you WANT to end up in the hosp for that?
your way to ask for a stronger help?

[DechanDawa]

Would it help for you to talk about what's going on in your personal life? It sounds like the pressure builds and you cut to release the pressure. Does it help to interfere with this process and do something else, like post? Do you feel comfortable talking more extensively here? Is this a safe place for you? Hugs to you. I don't self-harm (at least not by cutting) but I want to understand. I guess all of us here are interested in managing those things that cause us to feel pressure, anxiety, depression etc. Do you check in with others here who understand --- through PM? Thank you for sharing here, and know that many are concerned and care.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by sinking

Do you WANT to end up in the hosp for that?
your way to ask for a stronger help?

No, I don't want to. I've talked to my T about the cutting so,he's making sure he is keeping tabs on it when we talk.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Would it help for you to talk about what's going on in your personal life? It sounds like the pressure builds and you cut to release the pressure. Does it help to interfere with this process and do something else, like post? Do you feel comfortable talking more extensively here? Is this a safe place for you? Hugs to you. I don't self-harm (at least not by cutting) but I want to understand. I guess all of us here are interested in managing those things that cause us to feel pressure, anxiety, depression etc. Do you check in with others here who understand --- through PM? Thank you for sharing here, and know that many are concerned and care.

I haven't pmed anyone on here about what's going on. I've posted somewhat in the sexual abuse forum, but not in detail. Lately the self harm urges are getting worse, because it's my way of coping with the sexual abuse. I don't want to trigger anyone, so,I've been trying to reach out to crisis chat rooms. And I've also went and seen my doctor this week to look at my cuts, so she can keep an eye on them. I think I may need a new doctor as it seems she seems annoyed when I come in to get them checked out.

[DechanDawa]

Okay. You started at the beginning of this thread talking about your feelings towards your husband, which is immediate. Also, you noted your urge to cut was growing, and you felt afraid you would slip back. So those are two things I noticed in your original post. Also, you said: To make yourself feel uglier. To hide out in your ugliness? To feel safe? As far as a doctor getting annoyed when you go in for care, that sounds like, what?, she's maybe overwhelmed? You said it "seems" she's annoyed. You could just ask her. It seems like you are posting because you have so much going on and are trying to figure out what is best to do. I know that feeling. That is why I came on this site. I don't know if the sexual abuse is something that is happening to you now, or something from the past. So there is a whole lot going on in your post. A whole lot. Perhaps if you feel you are being listened to it may reduce these growing urges - for now - a little bit. So now you are here and you are being listened to. This is a safe place. You can say a little bit or a lot. I see you have many posts, so you know this. I am just telling you stuff you already know, right? Hugs.

[SheHulk07]

There is a lot of stuff going on. The stuff with my husband is the sexual abuse, and it's been going on since this summer...so maybe 5 months now. And the uglier thing is to make me less attractive to my husband and maybe he'll leave me alone. I know it's destructive thinking...which I guess makes my anxiety and urges worse. I mentioned this to my T last session, but it was the last 10 minutes of session, so we didn't really get into it further. And I don't see him again until the 3rd.

I just post to get it out of my head onto paper, and I know that others can relate.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

There is a lot of stuff going on. The stuff with my husband is the sexual abuse, and it's been going on since this summer...so maybe 5 months now. And the uglier thing is to make me less attractive to my husband and maybe he'll leave me alone. I know it's destructive thinking...which I guess makes my anxiety and urges worse. I mentioned this to my T last session, but it was the last 10 minutes of session, so we didn't really get into it further. And I don't see him again until the 3rd.

I just post to get it out of my head onto paper, and I know that others can relate.

Well, good for you - for posting and getting it out and onto paper. I am finding that posting is helping to loosen up the tightness in my own head so I can come up with new solutions. It's not easy. I am glad you brought up the thing about cutting to make yourself uglier so that you will be left alone and feel safe. You said you did this as a solution, but it's not the best solution because it creates more anxiety. So you have to keep thinking creatively, and come up with new things to try. I know others might immediately tell you what to do, but I don't think that is helpful because you need to empower yourself and take responsibility for your actions, and you can do this, and you need to know that others are listening. You need to know you are not invisible. You need to know there are other doors to go through, other ways to get out of your situation. For now that's all I can give you. Self-harming is not your only option. Please think. Keep posting.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Well, good for you - for posting and getting it out and onto paper. I am finding that posting is helping to loosen up the tightness in my own head so I can come up with new solutions. It's not easy. I am glad you brought up the thing about cutting to make yourself uglier so that you will be left alone and feel safe. You said you did this as a solution, but it's not the best solution because it creates more anxiety. So you have to keep thinking creatively, and come up with new things to try. I know others might immediately tell you what to do, but I don't think that is helpful because you need to empower yourself and take responsibility for your actions, and you can do this, and you need to know that others are listening. You need to know you are not invisible. You need to know there are other doors to go through, other ways to get out of your situation. For now that's all I can give you. Self-harming is not your only option. Please think. Keep posting.

Thanks. I have other coping skills that I try...often journaling and listening to music or dancing. It's very hard to fight the urges lately with this and other stress going on, so I feel like I rather not fight one more thing and just do it. I haven't cut since the 19th, so 4 days? So that's good.

[Cat_Lover_58]

Just a note that I'm thinking of you AmyFed07! I've used journaling a lot in my recovery from sexual abuse. It's been a helpful tool for me. Though I do not know anything about cutting, I can relate to the feelings of anxiety. Keep posting here. There are so many good and genuinely caring people here.

Hugs, Cat

[random_emotion]

I am sorry things are so tough right now and I wish I had something helpful to say I just know how things pile up and its tough I also find music to be helpful it kind of helps me in different ways depending on what I am listening to you are in my thoughts

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

Thanks. I have other coping skills that I try...often journaling and listening to music or dancing. It's very hard to fight the urges lately with this and other stress going on, so I feel like I rather not fight one more thing and just do it. I haven't cut since the 19th, so 4 days? So that's good.

Absolutely brilliant! You must be thinking creatively, and you are being strong, too. Way to go!

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Absolutely brilliant! You must be thinking creatively, and you are being strong, too. Way to go!

I do all three that you do...journaling, listening to music, and dancing. Even if I don't feel like it right away my body likes the movement. It helps, doesn't it? Journaling never fails me and it really gets the thoughts out. Loving seeing your courage.

[DechanDawa]

Please check in sometime soon, okay? We are here and we care.

[Mayflower7]

Hi Amy,
Amy your not ugly please believe that, I truly understand. Amy please think of yourself and leave if your being abused and go somewhere safe. Is your husband caring ? Was the sexual abuse when you were a child? I am so very sorry your life is troubling presently. Please don't blame yourself for the abuse. Please don't cut yourself, sorry that many people don't understand self-harm. Find a supportive GP that can help you.
Distract yourself from self-harm with hobbies that you enjoy, like music, art, cooking, etc therapy will help. Take care Amy.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Please check in sometime soon, okay? We are here and we care.

I'm here, doing alright I guess. Kids are on thanksgiving break, so having all 3 at home is draining. Plus my father has been acting really weird today and been not leaving me alone non stop today. We have 1 vehicle so I didn't take my husband to work, leaving me here with him.

I got an injectable birth control today in my arm...the Nexplanon to avoid unintentional pregnancy since my husband doesn't seem to understand "No" the past few months. But the insertion causes an open wound in the arm...that's numb...that I've been messing with all day since I got it put in.

Don't know if people would consider that self harm or just my weird obsession with wounds. But I am stressed today.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by Mayflower7

Hi Amy,
Amy your not ugly please believe that, I truly understand. Amy please think of yourself and leave if your being abused and go somewhere safe. Is your husband caring ? Was the sexual abuse when you were a child? I am so very sorry your life is troubling presently. Please don't blame yourself for the abuse. Please don't cut yourself, sorry that many people don't understand self-harm. Find a supportive GP that can help you.
Distract yourself from self-harm with hobbies that you enjoy, like music, art, cooking, etc therapy will help. Take care Amy.

The abuse is now with my husband, but I'm trying to fight for my marriage and don't want to give up right now. It's definitely taking a toll on me, but it's hard for me to not want to keep trying after we've been together 10 years and this is all new in the past 5-6 months.

[DechanDawa]

The idea of self-harming to try to get safe seems a little different than preoccupation with a wound. If I had such a wound I'd cover it with a band aid but I'd still be a little preoccupied with it in my mind. The bottom line is mostly about the stress, and finding safe ways to deal with it. I now realize that we have the same challenge. It just shows up differently. Well, I don't have a houseful of peeps or a spouse who doesn't accept that no is not a request but a declaration.. If I did I'd be hiding out in the attic. Please keep up not self-harming and keep looking for other options. Keep checking in.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

The idea of self-harming to try to get safe seems a little different than preoccupation with a wound. If I had such a wound I'd cover it with a band aid but I'd still be a little preoccupied with it in my mind. The bottom line is mostly about the stress, and finding safe ways to deal with it. I now realize that we have the same challenge. It just shows up differently. Well, I don't have a houseful of peeps or a spouse who doesn't accept that no is not a request but a declaration.. If I did I'd be hiding out in the attic. Please keep up not self-harming and keep looking for other options. Keep checking in.

It's two different reasons for self harming. The latest has been because of the sexual abuse, but I often cut when I'm very stressed out, too. Which today seems to be a stressful day just because it's hectic and chaotic in my house and I can't seem to get more than a few minutes to relax.

[DechanDawa]

You are in a dire situation. You know, you are locked in not only physically but psychologically. Is your spouse aware that he is causing you to cut? I can't do anything but tell you this. You have a voice. You have been using it. I am very proud of you that you are brave enough to stay with this thread, and trust this is a safe space. You have your reasons for wanting to remain in your situation although it is way beyond what should be happening. It is more than should be asked of anyone. If PC is helping you stay a little grounded than keep coming back. Keep your voice alive. Trust me, it is that voice that will lead you out so keep it authentic. Don't lose it.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

You are in a dire situation. You know, you are locked in not only physically but psychologically. Is your spouse aware that he is causing you to cut? I can't do anything but tell you this. You have a voice. You have been using it. I am very proud of you that you are brave enough to stay with this thread, and trust this is a safe space. You have your reasons for wanting to remain in your situation although it is way beyond what should be happening. It is more than should be asked of anyone. If PC is helping you stay a little grounded than keep coming back. Keep your voice alive. Trust me, it is that voice that will lead you out so keep it authentic. Don't lose it.

He hasn't said anything about the cutting, but I'm sure he's noticed it. He used to tell me to "Stop that stupid s h i t" or things like that when he saw the cuts, but hasn't in a while.