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Kiya · Dec 27, 2007, 02:46 AM

Found out today that my T appnt for friday has been double booked and I'm the one who is supposed to not show up.

This sent a whirlwind of wanting to SI sooooooooooo badly at work - looked ALL OVER for the box cutters. Can you believe there wasn't one to be found?! i even found one handle and the d*mn blade had been removed. honestly.

Looked all the rest of the day until the feeling finally wore out. I'm still bummed and mad and scared because now i have to go another whole week without an appnt and i won't be able to tell t how i feel. bites!!!!!

i don't believe i can get through the whole week w/o SI. that's usually the pattern when t is gone.
kiya

GoodMama · Dec 27, 2007, 03:41 AM

((((((((((Kiya)))))))))) You can do it! You're strong! I see how you can step up and help other people when they have the urge to SI ... please let some of your friends step up for you now.

You don't know me, except from my posts, but I'm beginning to learn a little about SI from my newest daughter. I know the urges are like cravings ... like it's a drug you think you must have to stay grounded. I've also learned that it helps HER to help others ... and it helps to talk about it.

It's late and I don't know how many of your friends will be in the forums right now, but I'm a good friend ... and I'm trying to be a Good Mama. If you need a friend, I'll keep checking the boards for the next few hours. Or you can PM me!

You ARE stronger than SI! The urge that's so great tonight WILL be better tomorrow. Please ... try. Just try. It's all anyone can ask of another person ... just try your best not to SI. Take it minute by minute, then hour by hour, and day by day. You can do it! You CAN!

BTW ... my guess is "Someone" was watching over you today, Kiya. "Someone" made sure there wasn't a box cutter in sight! "Someone" will never desert you and you'll never be alone as long as He's there with you.

Honey, tomorrow always has the potential to be better than today! Hang in there ... I'm here if you need me!

GoodMama

bipolar_bear · Dec 27, 2007, 08:57 AM

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you won't be able to see your t this week. That is so hard when the feeling to si are so strong. Maybe you can call her? I know it is not the same but sometimes it helps to feel not so all alone. Know I am here and I care. Please let us help all we can. I am so glad that you did not si yesterday even though the urges were so great. Maybe just take one minute at a time and just do your best. Keep posting if it helps.

BB

Cthomas · Dec 27, 2007, 09:02 AM

Hey kiya!!!! Im here too. you just say the word and i will stay up with you.... we can work it out together oK?

you sound like last night went ok. at least thats what im hopin. ((((((((Hugs))))))))))) and know that I am here. Im so sorry i didnt see this post till now.

Hoping you are feeling better!!!!
Colleen

jacq10 · Dec 27, 2007, 11:47 AM

((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))
I'm sorry to hear about your appt with your T. I know how heartbreaking that can be

But hey, at least you got through last night right? Just one day at a time .... when is your next appt? Can you email or call your T in the meantime?
Gentle hugs
Jacq

Kiya · Dec 27, 2007, 03:05 PM

(((((((((((all))))))))))))))
I did get through last night ok - and not alone, either, I know that.

T called and said it was her faul and that she would try to fix it (afraid to believe) and that she expects to see me at my regular time (((is this real?!))) I keep checking my phone to see if that will change...

bchlyn · Dec 27, 2007, 05:58 PM

i am really glad that your t called you back... when my t has to rearrange his schedule... it is really triggering for me too (it really opens up some issues)... it has happened several times since september...where his schedule and mine don't seem to work... that is happening now for me... my appointments are tuesdays... and both are holidays... he is so booked he wasn't able to fit me in... i am planning on having him help me figure out how to keep from loosing ground when this happens... maybe you could do this also... i know for me part of the trigger is the feeling of being abandoned... why bother... it isn't too safe of a place to be... i guess what i am trying to say is... i (maybe you too) need to figure out how to stay safe when the old messages come into play... for me it's the messages my abusers taught me... "your not important... your being stupid...no one cares" does that make any sense? because those messages are the same ones that started the "need" to si to begin with... and that is why for me they trigger me right back there...please take care of yourself...lyn

Rapunzel · Dec 27, 2007, 06:35 PM

(((((((( Kiya )))))))))

I'm glad you made it through yesterday, and sorry about your T being double-booked. That is disappointing when that happens. Believe that you it will work out, and when T says she will see you at your regular time, this is an opportunity to practice trusting her. You're going to make it!

Rap

GoodMama · Dec 28, 2007, 01:16 AM

(((((((Kiya)))))))) Just wanted to drop in to make sure you're OK tonight and remind you that Someone is still watching over you. Hope all is well and you're sound asleep ... dreaming sweet dreams!

GoodMama

Kiya · Dec 28, 2007, 03:08 AM

(((lyn))) yeah - good point, those messages are familiar... right in there with "i can only count on my self and i deserve to be hurt (SI). That was me, too - my appnts. are tuesdays which are all holidays. Oh the joy. I hope you get yours worked out!! May there be a cancellation that you can get to.

(((Rap))) thanks... i am trying - i didn't even realize that in staying away from the blade i've been turning to alcolhol again. Emotions are coming up and i don't like them - numbing. Ahhhhhhhh trust.... am trying. it scares me to have to trust. Somehow this is the first time i am looking at the things underneath the emotions and seeing how raw they really are. i'm "off the map - here there be monsters".

(((goodmama)))) thanks - yeah i've noticed - it was annoying when i wanted a blade and one would not materialize. I found one today - in the hands of a stock person- and i couldn't find it after he left.

Kiya

bchlyn · Dec 28, 2007, 04:18 PM

hey... how are you today?... how did your t appointment go?
lyn

Kiya · Dec 28, 2007, 08:33 PM

=( i don't know... i didn't understand a lot of what she was saying and then she said we weren't connecting like usual. i felt a lot of things; defensice, attacked, confused, shut down. I didn't know "we weren't connecting". she talked about the importance of having me trust her... When i saw more clearly later what happened, i tried to phone her and tell her, but only a lot of stupid gibberish came out.
I am back again on the 2nd - not a full week, thankfully. hopefully somethings can be cleared up. i get confused easliy and i really had no idea where she was headed with stuff. she forgot to bring the email i sent (she believes i communicate better in writing and wants me to write after each session) so we didn't talk about any of the attempted SI that happened because of the original cancellation. what a mess. hopefully things will be better next time.

kiya

bchlyn · Dec 28, 2007, 08:59 PM

i hate weeks like that... but i think that is when we are being stretched a bit... journaling works well for me... it really helps to figure things out...the only thing is sometimes i forget what i wrote... and it catches me off guard when he reads it out loud... he use to have me read it but he caught me editing my work...

i haven't told mine about how triggered i get when he has to change my appointment... or something happens... but i am going to try really hard to do it ... not only because of the si..but also because it seems to happen right when i really start to get something... and need help processing it... i hope you and i can step way out there and take the risk to tell them... lyn

Kiya · Dec 28, 2007, 11:30 PM

lyn - you and i seem so smiliiar - i do the same thing - i journal or email and then when i read my writing i edit. i also am surprised by what i wrote when it gets read back to me... today, i wrote out what i wanted to say to t about today's session over the phone.... but didn't say even one line of it. *sigh* I will have to email it to her. She keeps commenting on how the Me i present to her isn't the real me in the subtext of what is going on under the surface. i don't know how to change that - that is how i get by in life. today i felt like she was attacking me - like i do it on purpose. well, maybe i do, but i don't know how to change it. that is what i have been taught - put out a good persona... hide everything. i was really shocked - bordering on hurt - when she said we weren't connecting. i was taught not to allow anything to be another's fault or to do anything wrong... so where does that leave me> not being "honest" with T. I don't know how else to be, and in one hour a week, there's not much time to change.
I hope you're right - that we can start reaching out and risk telling them. i mean, i don't know how to tell something like that without appearing hurt and i don't want to be seen as a victim. everyone gets after ppl who appear as victims. kiya

bchlyn · Dec 29, 2007, 12:46 AM

kiya... you really are doing a good job... half the battle is recognition... and you can see what is happening... and your acknowledging it... now we need to figure out what to do with all of it... without cutting...stay safe...lynda

Kiya · Dec 29, 2007, 04:08 AM

you too; stay safe ((((((lynda))))))

bchlyn · Dec 29, 2007, 08:41 AM

i am trying,,,just not sure if it's for the right reasons...ty

Kiya · Dec 29, 2007, 04:24 PM

((((((((((oh lyn))))))))))))

Rapunzel · Dec 30, 2007, 03:43 AM

Can I just say that I'm really proud of both of you for the way you have been supporting each other here? It's great! And you are both doing such a good job with trying to understand your feelings rather than escape from them.

Love,
Rap

bchlyn · Dec 30, 2007, 11:38 AM

hey...how are you doing?

Kiya · Dec 30, 2007, 01:04 PM

Oh Rap - we're trying - thanks....
Morning check in for every one who was struggling last night.... all present and unharmed?
I got through pretty much.
Kiya

bchlyn · Jan 06, 2008, 03:12 AM

kiya... i haven't asked you for awhile and i am sorry about that... how are you doing?
lyn

Kiya · Jan 07, 2008, 03:05 AM

eh... you know how it goes. i just posted in DID and am still trying to figure out how the system transferred "power" and why. But ok. I am doing ok. I think i am in the Eye - the calm before (or between) the storms.

Hugs to you!

bchlyn · Jan 08, 2008, 01:56 AM

maybe your past the storms and only smooth waters in your forcast... lyn

Kiya · Jan 08, 2008, 02:31 AM

Translation; some marks have been made, but they are minor and i did not have the horriffic mood change that usually accompanies them. I seem to be somewhere between irritable and blahhhhhhhhhhh.

and yourself?

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