geeezzz; I realized something. U were right

I had spoke about eating disorder was not a way to self destruct. Well it is. It is self destructing myself because if I keep it up, I will die. Yes, I have heard this many times before, but I thought oh nooooo. Its been my friend, in a way of avoiding my true feelings about myself and my life. Its my sanity and if I dont have this anymore; what can I focus on then.
Someone asked, "do u want help or not". I think about this and wonder myself. Yes, I have gone to my doctor, he is very worried. I have spoke with both of my therapists; eating disorder and my other one. But not tried hard enough to get better. I keep resisting their methods to become well. Why? I know nobody has the answer; its within myself. But yet I cant find it yet. I dont know who I am anymore. Do I really want to die? How could I? I know whats happening to my body, it will shut down eventually. When I thought about it; my kids eat more in a day then I do in a week. Oh my God!!!! How I have made it this far; I have no idea. All I know is some of these pains are unreal. My heart, doesnt like me too much. It beats funny, but not always. My chest, throat, back. I just plain hurt all over. I can handle that part but the emptiness inside; I cant. Maybe this is why I am a screw ball. So manys day; want to just give in. Take anything I can find to end this ******. Then I wake up and see, no theres more to life than this. But I dont stop. I was feeling a little better earlier; but feel like heck now. Its 3:00am and I have to get up at six. I dont want to dream, its a constant nightmare. Past childhood traumas and my abusive marriage. Why would I do this the hard way; if I really wanted to die; then I would be gone. I need to go talk to my doctor; what to say, I am not sure.

justy

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Eating disorders are one of the most dangerous ways to self-destruct that there is. I think it comes from the same place as SI and other self-destructive behaviors, and any of them can take over your life, but there is something about eating disorders that really grabs hold of you and it takes so much willpower and strength to let go of it. Taking your meds and listening to your doctors and therapists is important. I've been concerned about you. Eating disorders lie to you, as much or more than depression does. It alters your ability to think, and tells you that you don't deserve to live. But you do deserve to live. You deserve to live a full life, free of the pain that the eating disorder is causing you. You deserve to be nourished also.

With Love,
Wendy

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

(((Wendy))); thanks dear. You are right; it does take ahold. It does tell me that I am no good. And I do feel that way. It is a destructive illness and I am letting it happen. But do I not cause this pain myself? I am going back to bed now; not getting up until I have to get the kids. Just want to hide. I will take a sleeping pill if I have to; just dont want to think. And yes, it is very similar to SI-very.

Thanks Rapunzel, I love to hear from u.

justy

((((justy)))

well the good news in all of that is that it appears you've taken another step toward reckoning with yourself, and exploring what is going on inside of you.

yes, eating disorders and si are very closely tied. in fact, many people who have eating disorders also si and vice-versa.

i think most of us here understand that si is not only about self-destruction. si is also a sign that a person wants to get better. it's a way of coping. it's a way to express very deep feelings about serious pain and confusion and anger, when a person can't seem to find another way to express them and vent them. also, for some people it is an ALTERNATIVE to suicide. i get the impression that your eating disorder may serve the same sort of functions for you. maybe it is a way for you to cope with your terrible pain. you are in a LOT of pain. and it really is hard to find ways of expressing it. your eating disorder may be a way that you have developed for helping you cope, and feel some control. and maybe it is an alternative to killing yourself. (i don't know, only you can figure that out).

just some thoughts for you.

((((((justy)))))) i'm pulling for you in spirit over here, even though we are far apart.

your friend,
Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

"Do you want help or not?" I have asked myself that question more then once. And even now, after about 5 years of dedication to the effort to get better I had that question come up again. I had a therapy session on thursday and I told my T about my last self injury episode. She wanted to see what I did. I was extremely reluctant to show her so she had me explore the feelings behind why I was afraid to show her. It all came down to the fact that if I bring it out, fully out into the open then I will have to do something about it. Part of me doesn't want to do anything about it. Like you said, it is my friend. It has helped me for years to cope with the uncopeable. It has helped me survive. In her office, with her as a witness, I decided to take yet another step toward helping myself. I showed her my injuries and told her what I did.

Of course you want help. If you didn't you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be seeing all the doctor's you see. You wouldn't be trying as hard as you do to understand what it is that is happening to you. But it sounds as if you are like me in that there is a part of you that doesn't want to let go. It isn't something to be ashamed of or kept hidden. It is a fact that you will have to face in order to move past it.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

Thanks all of u for sharing these thoughts and experiences. I find it interesting. Not in a way that its good that this happens to u but it opens my mind. It makes me really think and I can relate very much. Your views "hit home"; it is so true. I do think that I am having problems facing this; I am ashamed of it. I cant help that part. It is a way for me to cope, I have done it for so long. It just get worse though; I do fear death, I think most people do. The question is; is this a way to suicide. I dont really think so; your right Zenobia, I wouldnt be here trying to figure it out. Its just so close to my heart that when I do try to sort through it, seems to get worse. I guess I thought if I avoid it, it will go away. Well thats just stupid. Like its going to disapear. (dont mind the spelling). Anyway, I guess I am ashamed because I cause my own pain in this regard; so why do I have the right to complain about it. Its just something that I cant ignore and think; oh its fine, I will wake up and it will be better.

justy