i think i realized

that while on holiday things were not great between hubby and i ..... so many times i thought this ... so many times .....

He loves me, I love him .... but it's not enough any more .....

i need more than he can give me, i need affection, demonstrative love .... i can't help it ..... i crave it, always have. He just finds it impossible to 'show' his love in the way i need it ....

i feel crushed, confused and dont know which way to turn first .... i feel so neglected .... so many times i come home from holiday with poems of the sea and this time i was up in the night writing about neglect, feeling unloved and generally miserable ..... sigh

Jin

jinny I think many many men have a very hard time giving us women the kind of love and we need. I too am going thru the same thing. having been married 4 times I can tell you it has always been this way. I don't really think that kind really exist. sad to say that. I don't mean to sound negative in any way at all. just been my experiences. we either accept it as it is or leave it. right now I am chosing to accept it.

This is getting in the way of my healing IMHO .... i've never felt loved ..... maybe i read too many romantic novels .....

i think some men can be romantic after 20 years of marriage ....

i've seen it .... there are lots ofthings making me sad right now .....

jin

I hear you hon! too many love stories here for me too. I often watch love stories and sit and cry. I even try to get my hubby to watch them with me so he can see what it is women want/need.

((((((((((jinnyann))))))))))

Dear JinnyAnn --

I teach communication, and it has been very helpful to me to know a little bit about the difference in the way that men and women express intimacy. Women express intimacy by talking and reveal their vulnerabilities and insecurities to the person to whom they wish to feel close.

Men express intimacy by doing things together, doing things for the other person, and "being there."

This means that a guy thinks he is expressing love when he gets the oil change in our car, mows the lawn, or brings home a paycheck. As one adult male in a class said, "I told you that I loved you when we got married. If I change my mind, I'll let you know."

I understand what you mean about craving the displays of affection -- I like that too.

Are you in therapy, JinnyAnn? Or in a support group? Do you think that might help?

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down.

((((((((((((wantstofly))))))))))))))

ty. I'm in therapy on my own ... for abusive childhood .... hubby has a kind of councellor who comes to talk to him about living with the survivor of abuse ......

I love Tony, he loves me. I just need so much affection, he finds it hard to show his feelings .... very hard. I feel unwanted, therefore unattractive ... he watches porn, well he says he's stopped but i'm not sure if the damage is done ... my therapist says it can take away reality for the man and ruin a relationship ... he used porn a lot ... but my sex drive is high so as you can imagine this hurts me ..... maybe it's normal, but i hate him using porn, call it jealousy or pride or whatever, i woudn't mind so much if he was more interested in me .... i'm not as slim as i was when we met but nether is he lol .... i asked him how he would feel if i was looking at pics of naked men and he said he would be angry!!!!! sigh

i see people our age in the street holding hands, my friends hubby is always touching her in a loving way. His brother is romantic with his g/f of 18 years ....

marriage councelling maybe a good idea, just a long waiting list .... sigh ..... this holiday just made me realise how far apart we are .... sorry to vent, Jin xx

Aaah, Jinny. Sounds like we are in the same elevator going nowhere. Like bebop said, we can choose to stay or go. I'm here physically at this very moment ...well I guess for the kids. I absolutely despise that I just said that, but its true.

No advice...I as well attend individual counseling. Thats about all there will be in this house. Marriage counseling is something he would NEVER consider.

Always thinking of you

.Dee

((((((((((((((((((Dee)))))))))))))))))))

Thing is I cant imagine life without him really ..... but is that because we've been married for 20 years nearly? I know i cant change him and i have no right to do that .... oh i really have no idea where i'm going with this ....

i just know i feel awful about myself and i dont think this situation helps. he shows anger no problem .... aggression ... very quick .... love?

not his fault, his mother was very controlling and not very demonstrative .... so, maybe we are just not suited and because i am going through therapy i am realising this ..... sigh

Dee if you ever need to talk please pm me .... i miss you

Kerry xoxoxoxoxo

((((((((((((((( jinny )))))))))))))))))

Jinn
I have watched you struggle for 2 years on this
Have you thought of a legal separation?

Muffy i have thought about all sorts .... i never stop thinking about it .... no disrespect but i havent been here for 2 years ..... i joined 15 months ago initially ... i really dont know what i want .... that's the trouble ..... i am feeling a lot of turmoil right now ... separation is very hard and expensive, we have no money ,... it's not so easy ..... and i dont know whether i am asking the impossible or whether we are just not suited .,,, i dont know whether it's because i'm going through therapy or we've grown apart .... i just dont know ....

((((((Muffy)))))))

jinnyann said:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ty. I'm in therapy on my own ... for abusive childhood .... hubby has a kind of councellor who comes to talk to him about living with the survivor of abuse ......

I love Tony, he loves me. I just need so much affection, he finds it hard to show his feelings .... very hard. I feel unwanted, therefore unattractive ... he watches porn, well he says he's stopped but i'm not sure if the damage is done ... my therapist says.....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

"I'm in therapy on my own ... ... my therapist says....."

???? can you explain please? i am confused if you are in therapy or not? hope you feel better soon..

what is there to explain.... i am in therapy as you know ....

why is that hard to understand? can you explain why you want me to explain? jin tc hope you feel better soon too

im glad for you then Jin, often we do need extra help with complicated issues, its sad that you are so unhappy...

ty for the concern Darrel, although i'm sure you knew i was in therapy are you ok?

i'm sure we all have sad days ..... i'm sure a lot of us are used to them ..... i'll get over it

Kerry xx

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jinnyann said:
Muffy i have thought about all sorts .... i never stop thinking about it .... no disrespect but i havent been here for 2 years ..... i joined 15 months ago initially ... i really dont know what i want .... that's the trouble ..... i am feeling a lot of turmoil right now ... separation is very hard and expensive, we have no money ,... it's not so easy ..... and i dont know whether i am asking the impossible or whether we are just not suited .,,, i dont know whether it's because i'm going through therapy or we've grown apart .... i just dont know ....

((((((Muffy)))))))

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Jinn
Sorry I tend to round #s up......
I was trying to remember when i first came here. As i thought we arrived around the same time. I delted once and came back same name in one day. So it changed my date. I came when my sister arrived here to my home. So i just went with 2 years.
Sorry I am rambling.
Anyways I only suggested that as I have been down the route of unhappiness in marrage. separation was my answer....
Hope all goes well
wishing you the best
Sorry about mistake of how long you have been here,My goof
muffy

((((((((((Muffy))))))))))))))))

I know you have my best interests at heart because you are a kind soul .... i'm just so confused ... i know i go on about it, but it is a big issue in my life .... i didn't know you were separated, I'm glad you are happier and did the right thing for you .... i just dont know, this is the problem ... i love him. i know he loves me .... is this marriage? Do we just put up with the little bit of bad when the rest is good? Or .....

sigh, confuzzled ....... jin

Why can't men see how we feel and what we need! WHy is it so difficult to tell us they love us and put their amrs around us and SHOW us!! I'm sick of always showing my love and getting nothing inr eturn but being made to feel like I'm "crazy". Kinda of in a big thing about this situation RIGHT NOW. Where do these movies come up with these storylines.. all they do is hurt women more. I grew up believing Cinderella is how it all happens and When Harry Met Sally and SLeepless in Seattle.. with all the wonderful male characters. I don't think real men like them exist.

i know hon .... i do think men like that exist .... i just dont think my hubby is very romantic .... i could live without the romance and just read books for a it of escapism .... but i just wish he could say those 3 little words whilst looking into my eyes once in a while .... is it so hard? I know some men probably wish their wives were more romantic, it works both ways ........ i feel like i am whinging .... he has supported me such a lot ..... sigh. I think i'm just off my rocker ..... there are women who would die for our relationship ..... guess i'm just an old trout for moaning..... i'll keep reading my romantic books ..... jin

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jinnyann said:
((((((((((Muffy))))))))))))))))

I know you have my best interests at heart because you are a kind soul .... i'm just so confused ... i know i go on about it, but it is a big issue in my life .... i didn't know you were separated, I'm glad you are happier and did the right thing for you .... i just dont know, this is the problem ... i love him. i know he loves me .... is this marriage? Do we just put up with the little bit of bad when the rest is good? Or .....

sigh, confuzzled ....... jin

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Jinny I feel you just answered your own question in that last part you said. Marraiges have their ups and downs. I've been there too. I feel that if you still love eachother then yes, you can put up with the the things that come up in life as long as there is more good to the marraige than bad. God only knows I've had the ups and downs in mine, but I set a goal for myself to work hard in therapy to get myself on track plus we went to marraige therapy at the same time. Its been a long haul, just over 5 yrs of individual therapy for me. And then there was a year and a half of marraige therapy. If your commited to making things work, then stay commited. That will be your focus. I've made my mistakes , I've paid for them. I am determined to be happy now and make things work in my life. And not give up on myself or the man I love. I know how hard this is for you. I really really do. I think the one thing you need to do is sit down with your hubby and have a good heart to heart and figure out if this is what you both want and then work towards that. We'll be married 19 yrs coming up in November, and making the choice of sticking with him and us, is the best thing I've ever done. I cant say whether its right for you or anyone else. But I know now that he was the best thing that ever came along in my life. And what I can see of your hubby, I think he is that for you too. You just need to figure it out for yourself. Being focused on what you want out of life is going to help you alot. Its going to give you goals to look forward and work toward. Dont sell yourself short or your hubby. And also I have to agree with the others that most men just arent good at demonstrative love. Thats the one thing that is the hardest to get used to. But its just their nature( for most men not all) Its something that we need to accept about them if we love them enough. Right now your in this wishy washy stage in therapy. Your trying to see thru rose colored glasses what should be perfect in your marraige but what in reality probably isnt going to happen. I'm not trying to be mean. You just need to figure out what is most important to you . Having the stability and love of a husband or one that can't give that to you. Its hard figuring out these things. I know this. That is why I am trying to share with you what I went thru, so you can use this to help you figure things out for you. Things can get better. Hope this helps ya out. And please take care.

If you can see the good in what you've got though that's a great thing.

(((((((((((((((starsdarkmind)))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((sweet))))))))))))))))))))))

thankyou sweet for your advice .... i know sometimes i expect too much. like i said i cant imagine life without him .... i suppose everything is weighing down, maybe he is struggling too. He is carrying both of us financially right now and he has health issues himself .... sigh.

I'm a difficult person to live with i know that .... you're right about the talk .... but i have been there and done that so many times .... i think i need to sleep ..... it's 5.10am here and i'm hallucinating ..... like we English say everything will look better in the morning lol .... ((((((sweet)))))) ty for replying i appreciate it .... hugs, Jinny xoxoxoxoxo

I'm sorry, but everyone needs to be told and shown that they are loved. It's not such a difficult thing to do! What is this some kind of power struggle? Who loves who More? I quess you can tell I'm going through a horrendous breakup, why? because he thinks I should just go on and make a new life, like it was nothing! I'm sorry but I have to go cry some more. if you love someone TELL THEM. EVERYDAY! It's not like freaking teeth pulling! I am so sick, of childish selfish people, I just want to SCREAM!!!! But right now I'm just going to cry some more. My stomach hurts....

((((((((((Poppydolly)))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. I'm also sorry I obviously triggered you ....please accept my apologies, i do agree with you, saying and showing you love someone to me is natural and easy, maybe that's because i lacked it as a child, IDK. I just feel so sad, for you and I and everyone who is going through this torment ....please take care, Love, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxoxo