[Zenobia]

Ok, it seems two weeks under high relationship type stress is my limit for "staying safe." Finally day before yesterday I went for a walk out at Snake Lake, an activity which ususally calms me down. I just couldn't quiet my mind, I got more and more worked up. When I got back to the car I went scrounging in the glove box for a sharp object of any kind. Came up with a pocketknife. Also came up with a large baggy of bandaids so was able to administer first aid right away as well. Right there in the parking lot. Did it again in the parking lot at work before going in. You know what makes me really mad. I spent over an hour the night before putting on a super cool henna design on my arm. it is a curving vine that starts at my left elbow on the outside of my arm and ends with a flower on the inside of my wrist. It is so neat and now I can't show it off because I am so darn busy hiding my stupid cuts. Grrr.

My husband wasn't talking to me. I can't stand it when he isn't talking to me. And you know what, he wasn't talking to me because he was working hours opposite from me so he would get home late after I went to bed and I would leave early before he was really up and around. AND work has really sucked for him so he was tired and just feeling like garbage. So it wasn't even that it was over this darn financial tiff that we are going to see me therapist about but just a time constraint. ARGH!!!

Only one more week until our appointment with my therapist where she is going to help me with his gambling thing. One long long week of waiting. Scared to death. Yes I am, scared spitless. I trust her to keep me safe. I told her I was scared if I confronted this thing, you know, brought it out into the open, then I would have to do something about it. I mean how can I not do anything about it? But she said she wouldn't let me do anything about it until she was sure that I was sure that what I chose to do was the right thing that kept me safe and help me to be well...even if that action is no action at all. Now isn't that a strange thought? After being told so long that I should do this and do that to be better she is telling me that it might be that I won't be able to do anything all and still be safe and well. She even said that I have lived with my husband's behavior for this long I can live with it for another 6 months or 3 years if that is what it takes to make sure the my next step leaves me safe and well. huh. How about that? And still I am scared to death. What if he gets pissy and doesn't talk to me for real. I cut myself 3 times because he was working wrong hours and having a bad day. What if he really doesn't want to talk to me?
Carrie

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((Carrie)))))))))

Happens to the best of us, doesn't it?

I don't have any sagely advice for you. Just wanted you to know I care.

Angela

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((Carrie))))))))))))))))))

[Zenobia]

Thanks Angela and Fuzzy. It is raining today. I have to go to work. Work was a safe haven for me but it isn't anymore. I feel so displaced there. When we were at our old location I knew where everything was and what was expected each day. I had my routine...I think that is it more then anything. I had a routine. Routines help to comfort me, soothe me. At work I had a routine that was the same each day though the jobs were different I knew what to expect and I could slide into them and go blank for hours at a time because of that routine. At the new place there is no routine and I have to stay in my head. I can't slide out into the empty spaces of the universe. There is no respite from my thoughts. It depresses me terribly. On the happy side, my friend Jody will be at work today.
Carrie

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}

I am sorry. I can't offer any words to stop the thoughts or urges, but I did want you to know that I care very much about you.

Please take care of yourself.

********hugs and caring thoughts********************

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. Do you think that you will have a routine at work again soon? Routines help a lot. What could you you do about getting routines established at the new store? In any case, make sure that you get some time for yourself, away from other people and distractions, where you can slide out into the empty places of the universe, and find the respite that you need.

Wendy

[Zenobia]

I hope I do too. I have a starting of a routine when I open the store. I sweep and clean the glass and re-set up the registers so that the junk is out of my and the customers way. When I have a day off someone invariably moves display stuff next to the till. This makes it difficult for me and my customers to conduct our business. It drives me crazy. So when I open I rearrange stuff so it is more convient for me. Today there was this huge sign right next to the till It is at leas a foot across and tall enough to block the sight line to the customer. I just don't understand why some does this. It is stupid. That is all I can say. I should have moved it today but didn't because I got this worthless feeling in my gut, like I didn't have the right to move it because I didn't open today. Sigh. Why shouldn't I move it I ask myself since it is in a stupid location that make me AND the customers uncomfortable? Sure it is by our secondary till but it is a till I use all the time because to me it is more convenient. shoot, you all don't want to hear this. I am just babbling.
Carrie

[Rapunzel]

Carrie,

You're not just babbling. This is something that bugs you, and it matters, and that's ok. So, here's a challenge for you: Next time you think you can't move a sign because you didn't open that day, go ahead and do it! It's ok to stand up for your needs and not just put up with things that make you and other people uncomfortable.
Wendy

[Zenobia]

Am not sure if I should start another thread but desided that all this anxiety is all linked into the same episode so I am just going to continue here.

Woke up this morning thinking about my marriage in the past. It was awful and abusive. He didn't spend time with me, he would rather go drinking with his buddies and when he got home late and drunk he would want to have sex with me. I felt like a *****. No purpose other then to be...Can't use the word that is appropriate for the statement. Sigh. Even though things are better now, he woke up when I went into the hospital and he has tried to change and he is making it plain how much he loves me and is family I still wish I would have left him. I wonder if I had left him how would I be different today? Would I have accessed the Goddess within me and become a agent in my own success? Would I have broken the cycle the my life runs in? Would I still hurt myself? Instead I let him walk all over me and I got my point across by allowing myself to fall apart and be weak and sick. This bothers me. I don't feel like my pain was ever addressed. It just sits there in my gut and bubbles. In couples therapy I tried to get it out but was told that it is the past and it isn't fair to bring the past into the present. What scares me is that all this acid is going to come out during our session on thursday and he will never forgive me. And what makes me want to cut right now is the fact that I need to be forgiven for what he has done.
Carrie

[SweetCrusader]

((((((((((Carrie))))))))))))))

What he has done is HIS burden to bear, NOT yours, sweetheart. It is true that your life may have been drastically different if you had left him. But you also need to remember that there are things going on inside of you that wouldn't have stayed with him when you left. You can still be the Goddess that you really are. You can be that Goddess under ANY circumstance that life hands you. In fact, you already ARE that Goddess. You have been your whole life and you will always be. You are a beautiful person who happens to be in a lot of pain.

You do not deserve to be punished or hurt. You do deserve to have your safety and your boundaries. And you deserve to have your story and your feelings heard. I think you should talk to your T about all this (and continue telling us whatever you feel like sharing with us).

(((((safe hugs))))))) You can make it. You WILL make it. You are strong!

Angela

[Rapunzel]

((((((Carrie))))))

Wow, the way he treated you before is definitely not something you should put up with. You have told us sometimes that your husband can be very supportive of you, but it does sound like he's got some real issues of his own, and it isn't fair for him to keep portraying you as "the sick one" and go on thinking that he is taking care of you, and not facing his problems and owning up to his responsibility. Your pain does need to be addressed. And it's scary to think of confronting him with any of it, because you aren't sure what you want the outcome to be, and you don't want to cause irreparable damage to your marriage. I'm glad that you are going to talk to him with your T there, because she will keep you safe, and not let you do something that you may regret later.

I relate to wondering what you would be like if you were not married to your husband now. My husband is pretty good, and he loves me and is supportive, but I married him when I was not in a good state of mind. He rescued me from a bad situation, when I couldn't see any options. I don't know if I would have made it through the rest of that year without some major change. But I was not ready to get married. What I needed was to learn about myself, get some confidence, and be able to take care of myself, not just run to someone who would take care of me and rescue me. He asked me recently if I was glad that I married him, and I couldn't answer. I don't know, because I don't know who I might be if I had been able to have a little bit of independence. I guess all we can do is go from where we are, and figure out what we want to do now, and how we can do that, what options are available to us, etc. It's scary, and also exciting, to be standing on the threshold of change, not knowing what will happen, or what we will choose.

And, of course you know that you are not responsible for the wrongs that he did to you. But it's hard not to take on all the blame yourself, because that's what you have always done. There's a good place to start making changes, isn't it?

Love,
Wendy

[Zenobia]

Thank you Angela and Wendy for helping me through this wait. I have three more days to go. We had a nice evening last night after the kids went to bed. We both took showers and laid in bed all clean and comfy. We messed around and we just talked about little things. It felt good. A nice relief in this long period of anxiety.

I don't know what will happen. I just know it can't be the same. I need the change but can he tolerate it? I have been working on myself for a long time. I know how much it hurts to dig into those things that stunt our growth and our happiness. I know that I can live through it...well most of the time I know I can and if I forget I know how to make it tollerable. I am asking him to do the same thing. To dig into the dirt and pull out the worms. I don't know if he is ready and I can't make him do it. But at the same time I have reached a point where I can't tollerate the emotional system we have operated under so long. I feel a little guilty for demanding a change in the rules but I have too.
Carrie

[SweetCrusader]

There is no need to feel guilty, Carrie. Yes, the work of figuring yourself out and getting healthy is TOUGH-- but it is worth it. You are not asking your husband to do anything that you haven't been willing to do yourself. Besides, he would also be better off if those changes were made. You aren't the only one who would benefit from this. The two of you would have a much better relationship as a result. Without those changes, you may not be able to save this relationship.

Sounds like you had a good night with him. I'm glad to hear it. You needed and deserved that, with the way that things have been going lately.

((((hugs)))) if you want them

Angela

[Zenobia]

I always want hugs here. Throw them my way anytime you want too.