[bchlyn]

today i am really struggling with the urge to cut...my blood sugar has caused me to be jittery... and the anxiety is making me a mess... that being said... i just read a post about anger... and it got me thinking... anger is such a trigger for me... it triggers deep fear... i can identify the fear... and i can identify anger in myself most of the time... in others all the time... but this is my question... do you really ever really process an emotion that triggers you ... or are we just distracting ourselves until it goes away... so we don't si???? i don't know if i am making any sense... but i don't feel like i am getting any closer to the place where anger won't trigger the fear.... and the fear the urges... lyn

[Sannah]

Hi, I put my vote on processing the emotions. This is what is healthy and natural.

[x_BabyG_x]

I agree with sannah... but in the safest way as possible

babyg - x

I have begun to really process these emotions through EMDR in therapy. When you do EMDR you really have no choice but to process them!

BTW, Bchlyn-- I LOVE your avatar. Are those your lovebirds? I have three parrots, myself.

[bchlyn]

yes pink they are 3 of my lovebirds babies... they had 5... they keep me busy.... they are peach face and started hatching on fathers day... i am hoping they will be ready to go to their new homes soon.... but i will miss them.

ok ..so what i am struggling with is... when i have the urge to cut... and i do things to distract myself... or even keeping my safety plan... i feel like i am ignoring what is triggering the urge to begin with... but if i try and look at it when i am in the middle of it all... the chance of being able to get through without following through is slim to none... i feel like i am going in circles.

i just want to get this all under control again... and it feels like it's anything but ... i really feel the "need" to cut right now... so i am going to take a xanax and hopefully go to sleep... how is that processing anything.

lyn

[Sannah]

Hi, can you process when you aren't in the heat of the moment then?

I thought about this post today.

I find I am completely overwhelmed by my emotions. I have a really hard time identifying them, and I feel like I go from numb to OVERWHELMED like in a split second. No middle. They may or may not come up in T - I feel so, so, so safe there, that I don't have a lot of the bad feelings. I can report on them, and sometimes I have them, but not always. And of course, even with two hours of T a week, there are like a trillion hours in the week WITHOUT T. And I really don't even know what it MEANS to process emotions anyhow - certainly not on my own.

So I DO feel like when I don't cut (or use food, or whatever), I'm just putting it off until later. Like I'm just trying to ignore how I feel. Although, sitting here now typing this, I guess cutting, or binging, or drinking, or whatever is ALSO trying to ignore how I feel. So I guess it's healthier to ignore it by running on the treadmill or going outside or by hitting the punching bag than by cutting. Although nothing is quite the same as the "unhealthy" coping mechanisms for some reason. I'm not sure why. Maybe because there is that element of "punishing myself" that comes along with the unhealthy stuff....and that's what I feel like I deserve?

Anyhow, I did feel overwhelmed, and I did cut today. And I felt better, for the moment....but now of course, the feelings are back, along with all of the new feelings like "what the %#@&#! is WRONG with me?!"

argh - it just goes around and around in a never-ending circle. T e-mailed me and said "we'll figure this out". I hope he's right.

[Sannah]

I think that you will figure it out Earthmama. You will learn how to deal with your emotions step by little step...

[Kiya]

((((((((((((lyn)))))))))))))))))
((((((((earthmama))))))))

no good advice or thoughts.... but

[bchlyn]

yesterday in t i tried to ask him about this... i told him that i wanted to cut the night before and that the only thing that stopped me was that i would have to face him the next day and he would be angry.... so i took a xanax... curled up and went to the numb place... i asked him what was different... between the two... wasn't the result the same... i didn't deal with the emotions... i didn't deal with life... i didn't get any closer to healing... what he told me was that i was right he wouldn't have been happy if i had cut... that he would have had me show him... and tell him what i used... how i did it... what my ritual was ( i hate that) then he asked me to think about how i feel after i cut and how i feel now when i took a xanax???? he is right i don't feel as guilty... i don't feel exposed like i do when i have to show him what i did... and when he is looking to see if it's getting infected... when i have to tell him about what happened to trigger it... but... what i want to know is how do i keep from getting triggered... how do i deal with the emotions... and triggers... i just want to be normal again... but instead... i want to cut... i don't want to follow my safety plan... i don't want to take a xanax... thanks for letting me vent and try and figure this out...Lyn

[Kiya]

(((((((((Lyn))))))))
out here - close as i can get.

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bchlyn said:
what i want to know is how do i keep from getting triggered... how do i deal with the emotions... and triggers...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Your T didn't answer this for you? I'll explain what I did with sort of a similar situation and see if you can pull out anything that might help.

I suffered from anxiety. Situations would trigger my anxiety. What I did was when I was triggered was tell myself right at that moment that I was safe here now in the present. I would continue to tell myself that the situation was just triggering my feelings from the past and that the past did not exist anymore except in my memory (nothing specific happened to me that was being triggered. I just grew up in an emotionally insecure home). I did this every time and every time my feelings were triggered less and less until finally I am no longer triggered anymore. It is basically retraining my nervous system (just like it was trained in the first place). To do this you have to be aware of what is going on with you.

Do you know what some of your triggers are?

[Sannah]

Just thought some more about this. What I also did was work on my feelings in general. Even when you are not being triggered a person should always know what is going on with them at all times. I stayed in the moment at all times (which is a great way to live) and just became aware of me. When you are uncomfortable in a situation you need to work to understand why you are uncomfortable. Sometimes I guess you can be uncomfortable with yourself. I worked on this too.

[bchlyn]

i do know how to get grounded... and i have worked with my t to develop ways to stay safe... but... what i am trying to say... i guess not clearly is that sometimes the things i do to get grounded seem to have the same end result as when i cut... i am not sure i see how one is that much better then the other... i want to heal... and get to the place where i don't get triggered in the first place... the place where my first reaction isn't to need to cut so i can disassociate... to the place where my ptsd symptoms aren't so powerful... i don't want to just treat the surface...lyn

[complic8d]

I'm right there with you. Sometimes it feels like all "they" (t's and such) want is for you to not act on the thoughts. I always say that i don't want the thoughts in the first place, to me that is the bigger problem. Maybe after a lot of therapy we will get there, where the thoughts don't even come up because we have better coping mechanisms??
Stay safe! HUGS!

Oh, and I get sick of delaying and distracting....like that is the answer? I can't distract myself all day long and night too!!

(I'm not in a good place right now, so I'm a little bit sarcastic)

[Kiya]

i think it takes time y'all. first replacing the not so great coping mechanisms with better stuff... then slowly that will allow the body and mind to process stuff. but first we gotta get safe and gotta let our minds and bodies they really are safe. they won't process well and turn things around until they are safe. i think you're on the right track lyn!! and complicated. i think eventually the distracting self will become the "practicing good coping methods" self which will then become the self that can heal in a safe place.
all time.
((((((((((((((lyn, complicated)))))))))))))

[6677]

I suggegest trying to work through your emotions wether it be talking with a friend or going somewhere realaxing and quiet away from amything sharp so that you can really think about whats going on in your life

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bchlyn said:
sometimes the things i do to get grounded seem to have the same end result as when i cut... i am not sure i see how one is that much better then the other...

... and get to the place where i don't get triggered in the first place... the place where my first reaction isn't to need to cut so i can disassociate...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi Lyn, the first paragragh ^, what do you do to get grounded then? I am not sure that I fully understand what you are saying here.

So do you cut mostly after PTSD flashbacks?

[bchlyn]

complic8d yeah i hear you... but for me i have been in t for a looooong time... i am ready for this to be done... i guess my seeing the connection maybe growth

((((((kiya))))))

6677 i am trying

sannah.... i cut when my stress level exceeds my ability to cope anymore... when i get to the place where i can't get grounded i am suppose to take xanax... the xanax numbs me and lets me get to the same place that cutting does but more so... i guess what i was trying to say is ... i don't get why one is ok and the other isn't... both keep me from having to process the emotions and triggers... when i get to this place... where i can't talk myself out of cutting anymore... it's hard for me to stick to my safety plan... or remember to take xanax... my t wants me to take the xanax before i get to the place of no return... i hate taking meds...lyn

[Sannah]

I think that taking a med is better than SI. In therapy are you working on your feelings?

[bchlyn]

feelings are my t's favorite subject

[Sannah]

Yeah!!!!