Gah!

Urges.. Horrid, horrid urges.. To cut.. And they're getting stronger and stronger everyday.. I just need to hold on until Thursday, when I'm not with Connor, then if I make it til then and they're still bad.. I'll try to hold on a bit longer, but I just don't think I can.. And I have no-one to talke to about it and I'm panicking and I'm worried and stressed and angry and upset and I just don't know what to do..

Everything's piling up too much again and I'm slipping down again, I swear it... I'm becoming withdrawn again, putting on better facades than i used to, pretending that all's fine and dandy and doing really well with it, not eating properly at all.. Being really destructive with walking in front of cars and such again.. Tempted to take anoter OD. My God, what am I saying? This is unbelievable! I'm losing it, I'm losing control...

TPND, I am sorry that things are really bad for you. I just read your other post. You have such a fresh trauma. Are their any rape crisis centers available?

Which post? There are about 4 others :|
No, there aren't any. The police have been utterly useless and there is nowhere around here that specialises in rape cases or anything like that.. I have the number for victim support, but just can't call them.. I dont have a phone at the moment, the police took it away, plus I'm terrified of calling helplines.

Gaaaahhh!! What do I do? Everything's so fresh and so muddled and I#m so caught up in it and so.. Depressed again and I just wish that I could.. Die...? I guess that's how I feel because so much has happened and so many people are messing with my head at the moment and it's really messing me up and making me anrgy and upset and such..

I feel like I can't do it anymore.. I was getting better, i really was, but now I'm back to putting on facades to make everyone think I'm ok and I'm keeping them up so well and I don't know what to do now..

I won't OD, it messed things up too much before.. I couldn't do that.

Why can't you call victim support?

Because I completely cease up on the phone and I'm terrified of crying or not talking or just putting the phone down or saying the wrong thing or awkward silences or something..

I'm the same with all supportt numbers.. I'm better with sites.. It's horrible.

I've yet to overcome this and I'm slowly getting there

i just hope these feelings ease off soon, because I'm really struggling right now..

Hey there,

Those urges are horrible so I'm glad that you were able to reach out here. It's important to try and use any support that you can when you're struggling. I can relate to what you're saying about helplines. That's something that I struggle with too. But, is there any e-mail helpline that you could write to? I know samaritans have one, is there one for a rape crisis or victim support? That could be something worth looking into.

You said that you don't have anyone to talk to and that you're putting on a face that everything's ok. what about trying not to put that face on for a while? Letting those around you know that you're not ok? I know it's easier said than done, but if you try it you might find that you have more people around you that care and want to help than you think.

Try and take things one day, or even hour at a time.

Hey sweety, what's this talk about OD'ing? None of that! Stop and look at how well you've been doing, the support system you've had there. I realize one of them has moved away, but there are still people for you to talk to. Don't isolate yourself too much again, honey. You are not alone, you don't need to take those drastic steps again. It's so good that you are posting here when you feel like this.

I sent the link to this to Connor.. I asked him not to get mad at me, he saved the link, so I don't know if he's read it yet.. I've just asked him..

I know, I know.. OD'ing is the worst idea ever, weird how I say I feel like doing it even though I know it's a bad idea *is confused!!*

I already e-mailed R.E.A.C.H and they haven't replied and the samaritans aren't really taht much help. Support counsellors on another forum I'm on have been really helpful. I'm trying my best not to completely close myself off, but the more I do it, the more it seems like it's a good idea because it keeps me safe from everyone that hurts me.

Charlene, the girl that was really quite horrible to me about it, apologised to me yesterday. I knew exactly why the moment she said it. Any guesses? Because her and Sam (the witness) have fallen out. Makes me sick. So I'm talking to her, but still avoiding her as much as possible.. I'm avoiding everyone here as much as possible.

Connor's getting funny on me because I said I hadn't cut or anything, he asked if I'd done anything else. I said If I had I'd still be in hospital. He took that as me saying I was in hospital last night. ARRRGGHH!! No! I wasn't in hospital last night! I haven't been since the last time I OD'd which was 44 days ago.

I'm so chuffed with that, yet he said "baby.. always remember, it's not an option in my eyes.. you cannot do it.. because of what i explained before you know?"

I know that. I really do know that, that's why i won't do it.. That's why I'm forcing myself everytime I pick up a knife or anything else, to put it back down out of sight and do something like playing my guitar, writing songs, to keep me distracted.. I can't tell im anything without him taking it the wrong way.. What do I do?

This doesn't help me at all

Hi TPND,
It definitely sounds like you're stressed. That could be the most obvious comment in history. I used to be like that at age 15 when everything sh*tty came together at once and I was cutting for the next 3 years on and off, with the OD attempts etc.

I don't know anything about your situation since I haven't posted much and you likely have posted on your problem before. I would call a hotline because even if you cry nobody else will know as it is confidential. That's the great thing about those services. I wish I knew about those then but I didn't.

I can say that whether it is a day, week, year or decade, things will get better.

Hang in there,
bb

TPND,

with the helpline, i know its hard but hey if you make a fool of yourself you can always hang up ! - you can hang up a thousand times if thats what it takes for your to be able to talk - its ok - its scary - but it gets easier - when I first rang my psychologist i hung up on him 3 times - before I could even get hello out ! sometimes it helps just to listen - and thats what i did once i got hello out - and my first name - he just talked to me until i was able to talk -

this is going to sound really dumb but it does sometimes work -- if you have any funny dvds (even tohouhg you are not in the mood) put them on - they can help.

Try to breath slow and deep - when you/we are stressed you breath short breaths and this makes your body think you must get ready to run so out goes the adrenalin to make you even more jumpy.

Look at pictures of your loved one's - remember they care about you and love you

send another email to R.E.A.C.H. - somtimes just getting the words out there helps - post here at PC that helps too - be kind to yourself - eat chocolate! or your favourite food even if you dont feel like it - try to taste every bite - take a long shower or bath with lots of bubbles!

Remember we ar here for you too - you are not alone -

I guess I just know that I'll hide it, how I really feel and start laughing and stuff and they'll be like.. 'Wtf? She's crazy!' Idk. I still need to wait until I get my phone back because there's no way I can phone anyone without a phone. It sucks.

I can barely eat any food atm, let alone chocolate. My body's started to reject food. I hate it. I mean. Yeah, it's helping me lose weight, but it's causing my ED to get worse and it's horrible. I'm going to send another email to the officer in charge of my rape case.. At the moment all I can think about is the next load of alcohol I can get to..

This is good.......

I sent him an email and have heard nothing at all yet. I apologised for seemingly nagging but said that I need my phone because a lot of important people are trying to get hold of me, like my Mum, who's very ill and my step Dad, who could be dead in a week.

I can't help but feel guilty for not being able to go and see them both.For not being able to afford it, on top of living on my own and having to pay for food and rent etc. and forConnor not asking his dad to take us to see them. Does he not realise how important my Mum and step Dad are to me? I wantt o show them that I do care, that I do want to see them and that I do love them.. Because I do.. And.. 17 years is a hell of a long time to make up for, don't you think? I want to see them as much as possible.. But yet, I can't afford it, I don't like asking ym mum for money, or anyone else for that matter, and I fear that the next time I see them, one of them could be dead.. The reason i fear my Mother would be dead is because she had to fits within the space of about half an hour, on the phone to me and my step Dad.. He's in and out of hospital having all sorts of tests and such done and isn't allowed to drive because there's something very wrong with him recently.

*cries* i don't want another person that I'm just getting close to, dying.. It'[s not fair!