[amanda123]

I really need to cut right now,i dont want to but all the distractions i use arent working.I no im new here and i havent really got to no anyone but i could really do with some help.

[Christina86]

((((((((((((Amanda))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry I wasn't online when you posted!

How can I help? How are you doing now? If you cut, then I'm sorry... and if you managed to withhold, then good for you. Either way, you're trying - reaching out here is always a positive step.

[phoenix7]

Hi amanda123, im fairly new to this board too - so you are not alone - at the top of the page are some reasons why not to cut - I have read them over and over when the urge takes me - they may have ideas that you havnt thought of

Is there somthing that can absorb your attention? I do sums in my head - I suck at it but somtimes it distracts me - can you call a friend - someone to talk to until the urge passes

theres a 12's thing - somtetimes works for me -

you see something say its colour and what it is while taking a deep breath - do this twelve times - if you forget where you are - start again - this is supposed to put the thinking part of your brain back in control rather than the emotional one -

I hope you are ok P7

[amanda123]

Thankyou christina and phoenix,i did manage not to cut but the urges and pressure inside are getting harder to fight.I dont allways no why i need to do this to myself,but alot of the time its to punish myself for being worthless and useless,also to release the pain and hurt inside.Ive sh on and of for many years and hidden it from everyone,but right now i feel i need help to stop this.I see a psychiatrist but cant bring myself to talk about my sh as im so ashamed and cant allways explain myself.I would really be grateful for any help and advice you could give me right now,as ive said i really dont want to do this anymore.

[cantstopcrying]

Great job on not cutting! I know it is very hard. You said you do it to punish yourself for being worthless--has someone told you that throughout your life? Could you tell us what makes you think you are worthless? I understand about wanting to release the emotional pain, but think of this...you cut, you feel better momentarily, then you feel bad about cutting...look at the emotional pain you went through last night to try NOT to cut. I hope that by saying why you feel worthless, we can help you move that thought around to something more positive, something will help on your journey to not cutting. I don't know if you've seen this site http://www.selfharm.net/fself.html but you may want to check it out.

[amanda123]

ive been told so many times in the past , how useless i am,that i cant do anything right,that its my fault things go wrong.Every time i tried i was told it wasnt good enougth,even as a adult my family never approved of anything i did. i dont no how to explain,im sorry

[cantstopcrying]

Don't be sorry, honey. When we are told things like that over and over, it's a very difficult thing to stop believing it. I have likened it to a record (ok, a CD if you're younger than 35) that keeps playing over and over and over and you can't find the off switch. What we need to do is to record a new, healthier, more honest one; one which will say "I am worthwhile. I am great. I am strong. I am wonderful." How? There's a lot of different ways. It isn't easy, remember it took years of hearing how useless you are over and over, there is no magic wand, but there is hope. I don't even know you and I don't see you as useless or worthless--I see you as hurting. I also see you as helpful and kind. How? Because you are posting here, you have no idea who will see your post and say "I'm going through the exact same thing," and may take some hope away from here. You've just helped someone and don't even know it. You are a member here, so chances are if you haven't already, you will at some point respond to someone elses post. That's helping, that's kind, that's useful.

At some point we have to stop seeking approval of others and start seeking our own approval (ok, you and I can work on this together because I struggle with....one look from my mom can send me to the fetal position sucking my thumb and rocking!!). It's true, though. We have to take charge of our own mental health by approving of us. How we are. Not, "I'll approve of me when..." but "Even though there are things I want to work on, I approve of me and like me NOW." If you don't mind, I am going to send you a pm that may help.

[amanda123]

thankyou cantstopcrying what you said makes alot of sense,i really do need to change my way of thinking.But,and these days theres allways a but, i dont no how too,ive been trapped so long in this cycle of depression and sh,its like its all i no.I have no family or friends right now that i can call on to help me,so feel totally alone.Oh and it is record im 41.Please pm anytime

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by amanda123

alot of the time its to punish myself for being worthless and useless,also to release the pain and hurt inside.

Originally Posted by amanda123

ive been told so many times in the past , how useless i am,that i cant do anything right,that its my fault things go wrong.Every time i tried i was told it wasnt good enougth,even as a adult my family never approved of anything i did.

Amanda, these things can be dealt with in therapy....

[amanda123]

I understand what your sayin sannah.

[phoenix7]

My eldest sister used to say I was a jinx that everyhting I touched would break - it became a self fullfilling prophecy - around her i was so nervous that i always dropped or broke things - it took a long time to break that record (yep its record for me too!)and every now and then it still plays in the background - its hard when you have been told these things all your life to change but you can change - next time you start verbally beating yourself up - ask yourself - would I say this to my friend? if my friend was going through what im going through what would I say to her? I bet it would be more supportive than you are of yourself.

Sannah makes a good point - are you seeing a T? they can help.I know you said that you are seeing a pdoc (psychiatrist) but are ashamed to discuss it with him - oh I understand that - I thought if I told my T that T would be disgusted with me - would look at me as if I crawled out from under the stone I thought I deserved to be living under -but T didnt - T was supportive and helped me find other ways of coping - you dont need to punish yourself - it sounds like you were punished enough for a lifetime by being told the things you were - words can be as painful as hits somtimes and they leave unseen damage.If you feel safe to do so - please let your pdoc know whats happening with you - they cant help unless you tell them.

cantstopcrying gave you some good advice - and that website is good too - I hope you take a look - please try to give yourself a break - can you do one nice thing for yourself today - because you deserve it

Well done for not cutting P7 (and you did somthing right - you came here and posted - that proves them wrong already! you were brave enough and strong enough to do it - thats another thing... see they are DEFINATELY wrong about you!)

[amanda123]

thanks phoenixI will try to speak to my pdoc,im just so ashamed of what i do(sh),im up now,its 23.57pm because im struggling with the urges to cut.I really need proffessional help before i go too far.I am fighting the urges,using all the distraction techniques i no,but its so hard,right now im hurting inside,my family really screwed me up and i cant forget or forgive them,never.I will fight this,i no i can do this,but if i fail,i fail.Im just pleased theres somewhere like this that i can talk,even if i dont feel i make sense.

[phoenix7]

you do make sense, and you deserve the help that you pdoc can give you - dont let the shame hold you back - dont let anything or anyone hold you back - get the help you know you need and deserve - I'm off to work now - I work the pm shift 1.30pm till 10pm - its 12.30pm here in Oz - so take care of you and be safe P7

[phoenix7]

finished my shift - just wanted to check in and say I hope things have got better for you - take care and stay safe P7

[amanda123]

Thankyou phoenixIt really does help posting here nowing there are people who understand.Im still struggling and i dont think these urges will go until i do hurt myself,so far i havent.I will speak to my pdoc,but have to wait for another two weeks for my appointment.I hope your ok and once again thankyou.

[phoenix7]

I have had a whole half a day with no urge to cut if you had asked me if I thought this was possible with the urge being strong and on my mind for the last 3 months (since the anniv of my event that gave me ptsd) I would have said that this was somthing I had to live with forever - but see - there is hope! and I didnt have to cut to make it go as I have in the past - I saw my t on ... I dont know I think it was monday - my mind is muddled... and somthing changed - I dont know what... but somthing changed - there is hope - the urge is back now but it was gone for a WHOLE half day ! - hang in there - Good on you for holding out so far

can you ring your pdoc and get an earlier appointment? please stay safe and take care of yourself P7(sorry if im a bit confusing today