[searchingmysoul]

Maybe this should go somewhere else...I am not sure...

I don't generally physically SI but I have periods of time where I do something that feels like emotional SI. I find it highly upsetting but don't know how to figure out what to do about it...

Are there any resources out there on intentional emotional SI?

Thanks!

Searching

[lifelesstraveled]

(((searching)))

All I have are hugs for you. I actually tried googling this, but had no luck finding anything. I usually pride myself on my super google search skills, but could find anything...

Can you talk to your T about this? Your T might be able to give you some insight into this.

Take care of you

[sky dancer]

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

Maybe this should go somewhere else...I am not sure...

I don't generally physically SI but I have periods of time where I do something that feels like emotional SI. I find it highly upsetting but don't know how to figure out what to do about it...

Are there any resources out there on intentional emotional SI?

Thanks!

Searching

Can you describe a bit more what it is you do that feels like emotional SI?

What I do is go on political forums and lose arguments with posters who are really mean. It's a compulsion, or addictive pattern that I'm still struggling with. I'm not sure what I'm doing is emotional SI, but sometimes I don't take care of myself in who I choose to talk to about my PTSD.

I am trying not to re-enact abuse patterns from my childhood--which I realize internet posting on some forums becomes for me.

Yikes. I didn't mean to steal your thunder with the topic. I'm just trying to better understand what it is you are struggling with--and then see if I can offer you some support.

[Rapunzel]

I have done it many times - intentionally hurting myself emotionally. The wounds are sometimes very deep. To me, it is not essentially different from physical SI, or other destructive coping. And it makes a lot of sense that emotional SI could follow from a history of emotional abuse. I don't know of specific resources about emotional SI, but I think that a lot of the same ones that are helpful for any kind of SI, destructive coping, or trauma recovery, might be useful. Also self-esteem. And this could be a focus or target in therapy, also.

[sky dancer]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

I have done it many times - intentionally hurting myself emotionally. The wounds are sometimes very deep. To me, it is not essentially different from physical SI, or other destructive coping. And it makes a lot of sense that emotional SI could follow from a history of emotional abuse. I don't know of specific resources about emotional SI, but I think that a lot of the same ones that are helpful for any kind of SI, destructive coping, or trauma recovery, might be useful. Also self-esteem. And this could be a focus or target in therapy, also.

Would you be willing to describe exactly what it is that you do that you label emotional SI?

[mightaswelllive]

Do you mean, for example, deliberately exposing yourself to something that will cause a panic attack?

mawl

[Miracle1986]

Originally Posted by mightaswelllive

Do you mean, for example, deliberately exposing yourself to something that will cause a panic attack?

if this is what you mean then yes, I have done this before, countless times. Probably more often than I actually self harm.

[searchingmysoul]

Thanks everyone

LLT said: All I have are hugs for you. I actually tried googling this, but had no luck finding anything. I usually pride myself on my super google search skills, but could find anything...

Can you talk to your T about this? Your T might be able to give you some insight into this.

LLT- I tried to google it too and came up with things about self talk. I want to talk to my T about it but I am feeling really vulnerable, embarrassed and disturbed by myself. It would take some doing...Thanks for the hugs...

Originally Posted by sky dancer

Can you describe a bit more what it is you do that feels like emotional SI?

Sky dancer- thanks for your experience, it helps...

To answer your question- I purposely conjured up a memory of a trauma while doing something that is an everyday experience. Now I have created an association by this activity to the trauma memory thereby making an aversion to the activity. I guess by doing this I made the activity a trigger? So by emotional SI I mean I hurt myself emotionally in this way and it is continuing to be an issue because of the association which creates an emotional response.

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

I have done it many times - intentionally hurting myself emotionally. The wounds are sometimes very deep. To me, it is not essentially different from physical SI, or other destructive coping. And it makes a lot of sense that emotional SI could follow from a history of emotional abuse. I don't know of specific resources about emotional SI, but I think that a lot of the same ones that are helpful for any kind of SI, destructive coping, or trauma recovery, might be useful. Also self-esteem. And this could be a focus or target in therapy, also.

Thanks Rapunzel this is helpful!

Originally Posted by Manda86

if this is what you mean then yes, I have done this before, countless times. Probably more often than I actually self harm.

This is helpful too Manda. Thank you.

[mightaswelllive]

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

To answer your question- I purposely conjured up a memory of a trauma while doing something that is an everyday experience. Now I have created an association by this activity to the trauma memory thereby making an aversion to the activity. I guess by doing this I made the activity a trigger? So by emotional SI I mean I hurt myself emotionally in this way and it is continuing to be an issue because of the association which creates an emotional response.

To be honest, it sounds like in therapy you must be working on exposure and you must be working really hard - maybe even too hard or to quickly. Talk to your therapist about this - it will be a helpful conversation.

[notz]

My internal dialogue is usually dominated by a verbally and emotionally abusive adult female. I will join the litany of abuse usually when I'm upset, overwhelmed and unsure. This is every bit as harmful as any physical injury, is it not?

notz

[Sannah]

Searching, are you trying to resolve the trauma by doing this?

[searchingmysoul]

Thanks again (((((everyone)))))

Originally Posted by mightaswelllive

To be honest, it sounds like in therapy you must be working on exposure and you must be working really hard - maybe even too hard or to quickly. Talk to your therapist about this - it will be a helpful conversation.

Yes, I would say I am working through a traumatic history. And working hard at that...A lot of things have been overwhelming to me lately, a lot of change happening in my life...I did this "act" when I was feeling overwhelmed by change and my feelings about it all...

I do want to talk about it...

Originally Posted by notz

My internal dialogue is usually dominated by a verbally and emotionally abusive adult female. I will join the litany of abuse usually when I'm upset, overwhelmed and unsure. This is every bit as harmful as any physical injury, is it not?

notz

Yes, I would agree that internal dialogue can be everybit as self injurious as other SI. Notz- I hope that you didn't take me only finding "self talk" when I googled as me minimizing how difficult that is. I struggle with terrible self talk at times and it is horrifying what that voice says...But what I did recently I just couldn't find info for, I didn't really even know what to call it...I am sorry if you were offended by me.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Searching, are you trying to resolve the trauma by doing this?

Sannah- I think I was trying to have control in a situation (or multitude of them) where I am feeling out of control right now. I have reflected on what transpired before the "act" and this is what I think it was about. I have tried to resolve this particular trauma in other ways. Doing what I did scared me and now I actually feel retraumatized and confused at myself.

I just want to say thinks again. Processing this out here did help.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

I did this "act" when I was feeling overwhelmed by change and my feelings about it all...

I think I was trying to have control in a situation (or multitude of them) where I am feeling out of control right now.

Processing this out here did help.

I'm glad that processing it here helped!

[notz]

Searchingmysoul,

No, no, no! you have not offended me in the least! You have helped to open my eyes. I apologize for not saying it clearly. I didn't want to say too much then because I was unsure of what I was saying. (I hope that's not too screwed up )

Your words struck a chord with me. I was finally able to put a "description" to that voice because of your words. I now realize when that verbally abusive adult female fragment is the one I am listening to, that's when I'm allowing me to abuse me. That's why I said "This is every bit as harmful as any physical injury, is it not?" I was asking the question out loud - looking to validate.

You helped me!

notz

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

Thanks again (((((everyone)))))



Yes, I would say I am working through a traumatic history. And working hard at that...A lot of things have been overwhelming to me lately, a lot of change happening in my life...I did this "act" when I was feeling overwhelmed by change and my feelings about it all...

I do want to talk about it...


Yes, I would agree that internal dialogue can be everybit as self injurious as other SI. Notz- I hope that you didn't take me only finding "self talk" when I googled as me minimizing how difficult that is. I struggle with terrible self talk at times and it is horrifying what that voice says...But what I did recently I just couldn't find info for, I didn't really even know what to call it...I am sorry if you were offended by me.


Sannah- I think I was trying to have control in a situation (or multitude of them) where I am feeling out of control right now. I have reflected on what transpired before the "act" and this is what I think it was about. I have tried to resolve this particular trauma in other ways. Doing what I did scared me and now I actually feel retraumatized and confused at myself.

I just want to say thinks again. Processing this out here did help.

If my emotional SI were transformed into physical SI, I would have been dead years ago.

[searchingmysoul]

Thanks for this notz! And no, it is not screwed up to be unsure of what your are putting out there. Sometimes these things are unexplainable...

I am glad I didn't offend.

Originally Posted by notz

Searchingmysoul,

No, no, no! you have not offended me in the least! You have helped to open my eyes. I apologize for not saying it clearly. I didn't want to say too much then because I was unsure of what I was saying. (I hope that's not too screwed up )

Your words struck a chord with me. I was finally able to put a "description" to that voice because of your words. I now realize when that verbally abusive adult female fragment is the one I am listening to, that's when I'm allowing me to abuse me. That's why I said "This is every bit as harmful as any physical injury, is it not?" I was asking the question out loud - looking to validate.

You helped me!

notz

[DoggyBonz]

Wow, what a great question and I loved reading the variety of responses and view points that people shared.

Searching - you are quite amazing in the way that you have responded to everyone and thought about what they are saying. I think it really speaks to your name on this board and who you must be as a person.

When you I first read the post I thought about how often times I don't need anyone's help in SI'ing myself physically. I can cut myself and beat myself up better than any "tool" can do. I think it's what I did as a child and your question has helped to me start thinking about it. I decided very early that I was a failure and that nothing nor anyone could help and as I am learning now it protected me. Those beliefs were safer for some reason but as an adult that trauma has really created a choatic life.

As I am writing this I am trying to figure it out for myself and realize that without taking away what your experience it might be that emotional SI is just as dangerous or more as physical SI. The only scars are the ones that I have and no one can see those and unless I talk about what I am doing to myself no one knows.

Thanks again for giving me more another prespective on this. I am interested in hearing what other people have to say b/c I know for me now that I have tried to stop physically SI'ing I guess I am really dealing more with the emotional part of it.

[searchingmysoul]

(((((Doggybonz)))))

Everything you wrote hits home for me especially the parts I included of your text- I can identify both with coping skills from childhood not working and creating chaos for us as adults and emotional SI being just as bit as harmful as physical.

I am just trying to piece all of this together...What led to it, how overwhelming my feelings were, what happened after...

Thanks for your reply.

Originally Posted by DoggyBonz

Those beliefs were safer for some reason but as an adult that trauma has really created a choatic life.

As I am writing this I am trying to figure it out for myself and realize that without taking away what your experience it might be that emotional SI is just as dangerous or more as physical SI. The only scars are the ones that I have and no one can see those and unless I talk about what I am doing to myself no one knows.

I know for me now that I have tried to stop physically SI'ing I guess I am really dealing more with the emotional part of it.

(((((Kaika))))

[DoggyBonz]

Again, thank you Searching. I don't know what your experience in therapy has been but I had a tough time connecting to my feelings. I have been working with a therapist who does "parts" work - the theory is based out of IFS. Anyway, it is helping me to identify some of the different areas in me that are in "battle" with each other and how things get so insane in my head.

I tried to deny the trauma for a long time, I really wanted to believe that I was the problem and everything was my fault. I was born "bad" and that is why things happened. After reading your post and others I am starting to feel safer with the idea that it was all images that as a family we portrayed. Tie that in with the emotional SI and I have a year of material for therapy.

Have you ever watched a dog, I love them so I find them facinating. You can be having a bad day and say something to them or make them wait and extra 10 minutes to go out and yet a few seconds later they don't care. They don't hold grudges or beat themselves up thinking they must have done something wrong. I don't mean the horrible and evil people that abuse their dogs, I mean the rest of us who sometimes might use the wrong tone.

They just love us. My therapist was talking about that, how maybe when I start to go down these paths which is often I can think about the forgiveness a dog has and realize that it may not be possible for me right now but that it does exist.

I hope that makes sense, and I look forward to reading more of your posts. I enjoy reading how you analyze things and put them into your experience.

[searchingmysoul]

DoggyBonz-

I have definately spent a lot of grazing over the surface of things in therapy. Any time my T would touch on a potential traumatic topic I would put the kabash on that. For so long I have had this presentation of everything being fine, maybe perfect, definately as if I have it all together. And it is not that I don't fair okay, it's just that I DON'T have it all together. Under the surface I am a mess, or at least messy. As for the emotional side of things- I generally know what I am feeling but have the internal shame of thinking that my feelings are very, very bad things. This gets me into trouble in so many ways...

I have been checking out some of this parts theory...There are quite a few threads about it in the psychotherapy forum. I have identified parts of myself. It has been interesting for these "parts" to come out in therapy. Facinating actually.

Since posting this, and in the midst of emotional upheaval, I have been able to observe how much and in what ways I am using "emotional" SI...Seems to stem both from a fear of being out of control and an intense self loathing that stems from the first.

I did try to talk about all of this with my T this week and went into shut down mode...But at least I had another place to put this for now. At least I spoke it out loud (not the act itself) and gave a voice to how I hurt myself and the horror and shame of that.

Originally Posted by DoggyBonz

I tried to deny the trauma for a long time, I really wanted to believe that I was the problem and everything was my fault. I was born "bad" and that is why things happened. After reading your post and others I am starting to feel safer with the idea that it was all images that as a family we portrayed. Tie that in with the emotional SI and I have a year of material for therapy.

Have you ever watched a dog, I love them so I find them facinating. You can be having a bad day and say something to them or make them wait and extra 10 minutes to go out and yet a few seconds later they don't care. They don't hold grudges or beat themselves up thinking they must have done something wrong....My therapist was talking about that, how maybe when I start to go down these paths which is often I can think about the forgiveness a dog has and realize that it may not be possible for me right now but that it does exist.

You mean that we should forgive ourselves for being hard on ourselves like a dog is so quick to forgive? If so than I think that might be a great example of how to have self forgiveness...and self acceptance...

Thanks for this conversation DoggyBonz, I have appreciated it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

For so long I have had this presentation of everything being fine, maybe perfect, definately as if I have it all together. And it is not that I don't fair okay, it's just that I DON'T have it all together. Under the surface I am a mess, or at least messy. As for the emotional side of things- I generally know what I am feeling but have the internal shame of thinking that my feelings are very, very bad things.

I can certainly understand this ^.......

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

I have been able to observe how much and in what ways I am using "emotional" SI...Seems to stem both from a fear of being out of control and an intense self loathing that stems from the first.

I am glad that you are observing yourself!!!!! Good work. This is how I got better.

So you emotionally SI when you fear being out of control? If I understood this correctly does this help to bring you back under control?