I Lost The Fight

She is a really good counsellor... I think we clicked really well, which surprised me because I wasn't too sure about her when I saw her the first 2 times to do some community support work and find out what SWEDA could do for me etc. So yeah, I'm really glad that a) she said she wants to work with me and b) she understands me so well!

Yes, it would be both of those... I mean.. Enough food to keep me going on the days when I want to go to the gym... Like... An apple maybe...? and on the days when I'm not in the gym, nothing at all because otherwise all that gymwork would be a waste and I'd just make myself fatter again.

:-/ I must sound so stupid right now. I'm a little mixed up. Ratherly pissed off at the moment!

I am so glad you have a T now and that you seem to be getting on ok with her

Beads also glad you and your T are gettign on well, that is a good way to start out .....(beads did not liek either one of hers at first but one we gots now really liek) maybe your stress level will go down a bit soon now
hang in there,
do NOT give up
beads

beads just wants to add some stuff, maybe it willhelp........we can really relate ta lot of what you described about your sessionwith T.........we still have trouble believign in ourself that we could be anything but wrong and we also had some serious issues with food when younger ( much younger like gonna say by around 14 yrs. old ) developed serious ed annorexia/bulemia had feeding tube inserted really was a scarey time in our life......anyway we did not have T then like what you have got now and know that you are blessed because it sounds like your T is awesome and will help you get thru some of the s hit in the garbage can

She said to me yesterday when she saw me, (after I said "I just. I feel stuck, like... I don't know where to go next with it all, who to go to about it and what to do about it...") "I will get you through this. I'll work with you through every little detail that you want to work through. I will help you to reach the other side" I felt so... Emotional at that point. Was a change from what I normally hear from counsellors. She asked what my past experiences with counsellors had been like and I briefly touched on the fact that none of them had helped apart from the one at the GP surgery

So yeah. I'm tired and blaaaahhhh. Didn't sleep til 5am then awoke from a bad dream about my dog (I've been worrying about her a lot recently!!!) at 6.30 then my alarm went off at 7 and 7.30, so there was no point in sleeping for just an hour, so I just sat around waiting for the time to pass. Came to breakfast club *yawn* and Mandy (a key support worker) took one look at me and said "are you alright, darlin'?" ummmm I just told her I was tired and she asked had I not been sleeping well and I said naahhhh not really. Oh well. I'm awake! Guess that's all that matters right now.

Feel like crappppp.

thats fantastic that you are getting on well with your t and she sounds really good -

Sorry you are tired and feeling crappy - hope you feel better soon

Good news about the T though

Maybe lack of food has something to do with this? You are restricting for emotional reasons but your body is still operating on physiological principles. Our bodies need food..............

Connor has made me eat "properly" for 3 days straight. I feel like it's been binging. But no. It's been at least 1,000 calories a day. YUCKKKK!

So no, I don't think it's to do with lack of food... Although tomorrow it probably will be. I can get away with eating just a small apple tomorrow. Connor won't be here. I' trying to get him to go to college because it's his last week next week and he's behind in work, so... In a way it's kind of to distract him away from me and my eating too :-/

Ummmm so yeah... I got really miserable earlier and went quite mute and Connor wasn't feeling well, so he was complaining and stuff and just slept most of the day which annoyed me even more, so I just went quiet and agreed to walk with him to his Dad's car so he could go home. It lifted my mood a teensy bit, but not much...

I'm hoping to get out in a minute into the last few rays of sunshine to try and boost my mood a little more. Let's hope it works...

I'll be back later after a walk in the sun..

((((((((((TPND))))))))))))))

beads still here,
still lissening,
still cares............
you are doing good!
sounds like you may be discovering how to not let yourself give up

it is a choice that we make everyday of our life

thinking of you,

beads

Mmmm. I almost gave up last night and I'm still very unstable today...

The bullies are back, they won't leave me alone.. They've left messages on my facebook page about my looks and how maybe I should wear more "SLAP" because then I might just look a bit better. COW.

I wish I didn't have to live with these people. They make me so *******ed ANGRY!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am NOT having a good day today. Karis gave me dodgy looks this morning (the one saying about the makeup), so if she tries anything else, I'm going to say something to her face. Just because she's insecure doesn't mean she has to try and make me even more insecure than I already am. I hate it. I hate the *****ing. I hate my life right now. Today has started off really crap and I'm starving and I'm not going to eat anything if I can help it because I'm bad and I don't deserve it.

I don't want to be here someone sit with me... Please?

Phoenix7 is sitting with you - we will keep the darkness at bay together - neither one alone in the dark -



Those girls - ignore them if you can - you are right they are insecure - their opinion is their opinion - you deserve to eat - go and get something to eat ok

(((((((((((((TPND))))))))))))))

beads aslso is happy to sit with you.......
for as long as you need us to..........
we can walk with you also if you like.....
here for you any way we can help!!! it's an honor!

hugs,
beads

You are not bad and you deserve to eat.

Did your day get any better? I agree with Phoenix, those girls only have power if you pay attention to them. Ignore them and they are powerless.

Connor did come over in the end... So I had to eat something... I tried refusing but he just said; "I don't want you to turn into one of those girls, Kirsten... That refuses food whenever it's offered. Please just eat something for me... Even if it's something small." So I said ok and that I'd eat an apple today. I was ok with that. I didn't mind that so much, but then he kept seeing all these offers in the supermarket and picking stuff up and eventually got to crisps that were on offer and said "I might get those" and I said to him to go on if he wanted to and he replied with "They'd be for you, you know." GRRRR I didn't want him to keep trying to force me to eat!!!!!

I did have food in the end, didn't have the apple but had lots of water, about a litre so far and Connor got me to eat a chicken burger in a wholemeal roll. I didn't mind cooking it, but eating it made me feel so sick. Half an hour later or so, I went to the bathroom and was so close to spilling my guts up, but but my head in my jumper and sucked in my breath and managed to keep it down - somehow - I guess it's because I used to purge and stuff so my gag reflexes are a bit like 'noooo you're not throwing up your food anymore missy'. Hm.

My day did get better because I spent a good solid 40 minutes in the gym, working out with no breaks between each set of exercises that I did. My abs hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt and m back hurts, but.. For me that's a good thing. No matter how much they hurt, I like it. It means I've burned off at least what I ate today. I went to Dom, the tougher fitness instructor because I knew that he wouldn't let me stop until i was almost crying in pain and stuff, and asked him to write up a fitness regime with me. It's a tough one, and yes, the day after my whole body aches like a killer, but I don't care. To me, that's a majorly good thing. I guarantee that tomorrow I'll still go to the combat session with Dom (basically boxing)

I'll get up at 8.30, get ready to be at breakfast club to set up at 9, finish at 10 in time for the combat session. I can't wait. I need to punish myself somehow for eating so much today. So.. yeah. I did eat today.

Thank you for sitting with me. I've really needed it today even if Connor was here, I've felt so ill and been so close to throwing up so many times and I still don't feel great now, but I feel better after a session in the gym.

????????????????????

Heh. Just walking down the road with Charlene and along comes Karis and has a joke with Charlene. As soon as she's past us, she turns around and says... "Oh yeah and Kirsten, you better watch what your saying or I'll smack your face in so f ucking hard that no-one will recognise you." Heh. All I said on my status in reply to her is that maybe I like myself the way I am and that I don't need makeup to make people like me, that I know they like me anyway!! Fair? I think so! Her giving me such a harsh threat? NO!!!

Pff. I just laughed at her and said "yeah, ok Karis. Be b itchy all you like, doesn't bother me anymore " and walked away. What's the point in arguing? She's a stupid bit chy cow anyway. No point in getting into an argument with someone so worthless as her who only gets along by threatening others. Funny how it's always when she's too far away from me

Am I bothered by it? NO! Am I laughing my butt off? YES!!! Meh. I'm gonna just chill out tonight, while she gets drunk out of her face and sleeps around like she does. Eeeek! I'm being a little b itchy there, but it's true!!! She does get around!!

Enough of her anyways. I'm sick.

Im glad you laughed it off and that you didnt let it affect you

Mmmm. Didn;t sleep so well last night. I posted about it on facebook... And of course, she's on facebook too, so she read what I wrote!! Grrr. She decided to give me a threatening look this morning when she saw me, so I just smiled at her like nothing's wrong and everything is perfectly normal.

If I want to write my feelings and opinions on Facebook, I can. She doesn't rule my life and stop me doing what I want to do. Pfff. She thinks she's the Queen!

I feel so tired today I didn't sleep very well last night, better than I have been sleeping, but that just makes me feel even more tired because my body's not used to it, so... I'm tired and a bit weak today after yesterday's gym session and a longwalk afterwards, but I feel somewhat elated.

Hmmm. Thanks for the hugs... I could really do with them today.

Glad to see you are not letting her have an effect on you Hope you sleep better tonight

Connor's not happy about it... I feel like he's blaming me somehow... I don't know.. He just got really annoyed when I told him about it and kept telling me what to do about it and I just got really annoyed at him and bit back saying I'm not stupid, or a kdi anymore and I already knew what I was going to do and he was just repeating what I had already thought.

I hate getting so annoyed with him, but it's like he thinks I can't think for myself. I can!!! Just. Sometimes I get it wrong... Doesn't everyone?

I'm tired and need sleep but at the same time, I feel wide awake

Men and women approach problems differently. Men feel better solving it right away or minimizing it. Women don't want it to be solved right away, they want to vent and talk about it. My husband did the same thing until I shared this info with him and now he doesn't do it anymore. It works in the reverse too. When I worked, a male coworker was telling me about a problem that he was having and I minimized it (told him if he looked at it another way it wasn't really such a big deal). He was so happy! If you did this to a woman she would be upset! (Of course this is just the majority of each group. Each group has people in it that wouldn't respond that way).

Can you limit Charlene's access to your facebook page?

Men feel they have to fix things when you talk to them - women listen - dont get angry with him - hes just doing what men do

Hope you get osme sleep

I know, I know. I just. Hm. Yeah.

It's been sorted out now anyway, I spoke to the staff here and they're hopefully going to do something about it, although I doubt they will but hey ho.

I'm stupid and didn't sleep on Saturday night because I was too busy chucking my guts up 28 times after od'ing :-/ I'll explain later when I have more time and less people around me.

Sorry

Please be safe!

Hope you are ok