I Lost The Fight

I' shaking liek crazy right now and I don't understand why. Mayne it's the OD having it's effect on em. But I have no idea. I feel really, really sick and tired and shaky and it's horrible

Connor paid for me to have a haircut today he knew I was feeling really crap today and over the weekend, so he took me t have a haircut because he knows I've wanted and needed one for ages. It's made me feel a little better, but I just phsycially feel crappy. My shoulder hurts and my stomach's weak because of all the throwing up

I slept better last night, which was good, I did a photo shoot for Connor's photography work qand I've had a haircut... My day couldn't get any better, could it? But no... It just feels worse because I'm so shaky and weak and just physically crap. Em,otionally I'm fine, but being physically crap brings that down

Sigh. I wish I could just be okay fort once. It's not fair

I just don't get it. Why can't just ONE day be okay???

(((((((((((TPND)))))))))))



beads

TPND do you need to see a dr? please take care of you

I'm fine now. I slept on it, although I didn't sleep too well... And I've calmed down a lot now. I'm still not great, but I'm better than i was and that's better than being worse or no different.

I think today is going to be a better day... I woke up feeling a little better, I've had a shower to lift my mood a bit and breakfast club wasn't morbid this morning and I got some issues off my chest with one of the key support workers, Nick so that's helped a little and now need to go and meet Connor.

Hmmm. I hope today will be better. The sun's shining, so that should help...

Wishing you a beautiful day

Sigh. I wished myself a beautiful day today too... But it didn't happen like I hoped it would

Maybe tomorrow...

This sounds great!

What are you talking about? You had a good morning!

TPND...............
our days never go like we want them to either!!!!!!
sorry you is having hard time too .....
thinking of you and sending hope for a better tomorrow
and peaceful thoughts,
bead

I did have a good morning... But then it got ruined!!!

It's been lifted a little more by the fact that the bully where I live is getting taken care of and if anything happens, she'll be out the door straight away... Abi (my Key Support Worker) looked really sympathetic and kept apologising. I almost cried when i said to her "it's taken me down to a huge low because I just keep thinking 'everyone's bullying me - why?' So it's not good at all..." She looked at me and I was just like.. 'don't cry, don't cry, pleeeease don't cry!!!'

I didn't cry, but she's going to see me about it tomorrow... I just.. Hm. I don't want this anymore. I'm physically crap and now loads of stuff being said today and in magazines and such has reeeeeeally triggered me to starve completely and stuff and just shut myself off from people because the people I see here are people that only want something out of me and stuff so what's the point? and why do I even bother typing all this crap because it just annnoys people and worries them and stuff??
Blaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I hate myself right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is just. Sigh. *flops down*

(((((((((((TPND))))))))))

it sounds like your support worker is trying to help........LET her!
beads is glad for you that you have her and Connor to try and help you wade thru the stuff your dealing with.
you will get there, one step at a time.
beads tell you that you definitely are NOT an annoyance......
please know that we are lissening and thinking of you,
and that we care,

beads

I am going to let her help me when she sees me today... She called me this morning and sounded a little worried, but she's going to definately see me today so we'll talk about it.

Last night was... I can't find words to explain it! It was... Interesting. Very very drunk with a few others, got home (I'd already passed out a few times by this point) and Sam passed out on the floor and started to get hysterical, so I sat on the floor next to her and stroked her hair telling her that she'll be okay and if she wasn't worth bothering with, I wouldn't bother with her so she is worth bothering with.

I went upstairs to bed along with Charlene and got a phonecall from security... "Kirsten, can you help me? Sam's gone up to her room and I'm worried that she's going to take an overdose or something... Could you go up to her room with me and check she's okay?" Nawww. "Yeah, course I can". (He's not allowed to go into residents' rooms without them opening the door to him or anything like that.) So yeah, I went to her room and knelt beside her bed. She looked so upset, but peaceful at the same time... I said her name a few times and she didn't respond, but I wasn't worried. I just shook her gently and stroked her hair again to try and get her to come round. Eventually her eyes fluttered open a little and she moaned, but after that she didn't make a sound or open her eyes at all.

Paul (security) opened the door and I said she was fine and just needed some sleep, that she had woken up for a bit and she seemed to be okay and didn't look like she'd taken anything. Heh. Feel quite chuffed that he went to the lengths of calling me to get me to help

But yeah.. Drinking 3 days after an overdose=painful. I feel incredibly sick today and like I just want to throw my guts up all day. Blurgh.

be careful you can damage your stomach lining and get ulcers - eat something to help your stomach heal ok - take care of you

(((((((((((((((((((TPND))))))))))))))

please try to take gooder care of yourself as phoenix 7 suggest,
also be gentle with yourself,.........
we all care about you and
beads still here:lissening, caring
sending peaceful thoughts,

mary

Please take care of yourself. I'm praying for you.

Thank you for your replies...

I forced myself to eat something earlier... I can't remember what it was :-/ I think it was some pineapple. That's all I've eaten because I've just felt so sick. I went back to sleep for an hour and I feel loads better now *phew* just got really bad muscle aches and feel quite fatigued now.

Blehhhhh. I haven't spoken to Connor much today, but what I did get when I woke up first thing this morning, on msn was a message from NANCY. How????!!!!!I blocked AND deleted her!!! She said;

"You deserve to have a f-cking eating disorder, stupid f-cking cow. I hope your obesity causes you to drop dead, you stupid, fat f-cking *****!!"

Hm. In a state of dazed-ness I just gasped and said to Charlene: " Read this!! What a cow!!"

She read it and got really annoyed by it. I was extremely angry about it and quite upset at how someone could be so harsh... After all the help I gave her, after all the s--t I put myself through just to help her and she does that...? I dont' understand it.

When I spoke to a SWEDA supporter today, I told her about it and said all I can think is; 'why do people bully me? Why do they feel the need to bully the most kind and caring person here, who would give anything to help someone in need? I just don't get it...'

So yeah... I told Connor and he said "Right, we're definately going to the police now. We had her banned from the forum, they had severe words with her and you blocked and deleted her on msn. You can't do anymore, only the police can now. Don't worry baby, this will be sorted out I promise.."

I hate living like this. In fear of getting beaten up, in fear of who's going to say what next It's crap and it leaves me watching my back all the time, constantly... Unable to do anything or go anywhere alone. stupid people. I hate them.

The good morning still existed and you experienced it...........

Don't worry about us. You are not annoying us.

I am glad that the support worker is helping you. Read what you wrote again while you gently took care of Sam. One day it would be nice if you could do this for yourself.............

Be safe!

I know...

Abi canceled seeing me today, so I won't see her until Friday... Great. She obviously thinks I don't need the support. Heh. Sam's getting the support she needs, security's keeping an eye on her during the night and the support staff are talking to her everyday to make sure she's okay, which I'm glad about. She might not be, but I think she appreciates it. She apologised to me this morning and I said don't worry about it, I understand. She seemed a bit happier after that and she knows where I am if she needs to feel safe/have someone to talk to.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to care for myself like I did her...
I got so drunk last night. I feel utterly crap today and that's not because of the drinking... It's because of the OD mixed with the drinking. So many people have told me to go to hospital, said I need medical attention aswell as some Mental Health help and that maybe it's best if I get sectioned, or just admitted to a psych ward.

I almost went to hospital and still am tempted to go, but I'm too scraed... It means Connor will find out and go mad and stuff and his parents will find out and go mad and I don't want to put that stress on Connor. He's got enough on his plate as it is... I don't know. If I don't feel any better tomorrow, I'll go to hospital or the drs and get checked over.

I'm fed up I ache, I feel sick, people are being nasty and it's getting to me bigtime. I can't do this.

Connor can take care of himself and you must take care of yourself too!

do whats right for you - take care of you as you would a friend - be safe

I don't know what to do... I don't know what's right for me.

God, I'm sick of this. Sick of the bullying, sick of people being on my back, sick of being sick. I can't stand it.

I got my door kicked in last night. Nice. Great to know that I can be lying in bed and not have to jump out of my skin because someone's just kicked my door. It's doing my head in and I can't be doing with it anymore. I've got a horribly painful neck from all the stressing and I just feel incredibly angry. I'm gonna bite someone's head off if they say one more nasty thing to me. I'm sick and tired of being so *******ed nice and getting s**t for it.

It's pathetic and disgusting and I hate all those that are doing it to me. It's completely unjust!

I don't want to see anyone anymore. Because they're all on my back and I'm fed up. I just want to curl up and cry til I have no tears left. I hate it. I hate me. I hate everything at the moment

Sorry I... I don't know. I can't deal with it anymore

Please be safe.........

I'm trying to be safe. I feel unsafe, but I think I'll be okay..

I'm just tired and headachey. I feel sick.

Argh this hurts! I feel so down and just want to cry, but I have no-one here that I trust to just hold me while I cry and tell me that it's okay and show that they're there...

Where is Connor?