I Lost The Fight

is your T talking to you about body image? I dont really know what to say.... I just want you to be well and happy and be fit and healthy enough to take your puppy for long walks and have fun going out with conner - your body needs fuel to do that...

take care ok

TPND, can you see what food means and represents to you? This is what needs to be worked on.

I can take my angel out for long works, food or no food. SHE makes me exercise whether I like it or not anyway. I know I need fuel to do it, but SHE won't let me. SHE says she's only looking after me, making me perfect like The Adoptive Famiyl want me to be and will love me for...

I have 3 jobs to apply for... One of which is catering based meaning I cook and serve food. I don't want this job, but if I don't get offered for any of the others, then i ill take it because it is well paid. All of these jobs Ihave to be better for I can't do it, i just can't... I'm not strong enough and everybody knows it.

Now Counsellor has all teh more reason to push me to get better. She said to me today "You're doing really well with our sessions, you're working really hard and I can see that you want it and that you're working your butt off to just understand yourself, The Adoptive Family and get yourself to where you want to be in life. I really wnt you to continue with me and I always say.. You may not be there.. YET. But I will get you there, don't you worry." I feel so guilty. I know that I'm pushing my *** so fricken hard to get there, I really am. I just feel like I'm trying to kid myself and Counsellor into thinking that I want it but really, I don't... Could this just be Ana playing tricks on my mind to make me think I don't want it?

Sorry... I'm so confused...

Yes, Sannah, I see what food means an represents to me, kind of.. It;s an enemy and it's not important to me to stay alive..?

This is the first that you have spoken of SHE/Ana. Do you want to say more?

And your adoptive family is a hopeless case. They are sick and they aren't in therapy to get better. You cannot make them into better people who will treat you better by doing anything. You trying to be perfect for them is like banging your head on the wall.

I don't know what to say... She says she cares.. But everyone else says she doesn't... But how can she not when she's just trying to make me happy and whenever I eat she tells me I'm letting myself down, not making myself happy, just making myself fatter and feel worse... Which is true... She knows what she's talking about... I know that I want to get better in the sense that I want to work on The Adoptive Family and what their motives are and why they treated me like they did, what i did to cause that. I want to understand myself, the way I think, the people I let myself get involved with, how much I punish myself to carry on what they used to do because I think I deserve it...I don't want to concentrate on the food right now.. I just want to concentrate on the stuff underneath that..

Me trying to be perfect for them is what they want... That's all I want to do.. Is just give them what they want and everything'll be okay, they'll love me and accept me and want me around. The one person that truly accepts me for who I am is Anna, my cousin. I love her so much, yet they don't let her see me because I'm poison to her mind. Yeah. That's me. Poison. Everything I touch, look at, do, is poisoned by me.

Connor and I talked about this yesterday. He said that the thorough checkup is inevitable and I may as well get it done sooner than later because I'm just making it worse by postponing it. I told him that i can get better and make everything better, so the checkup isn't inevitable. I guess I'm scared of seeing how bad it is and scared of my gp finding out too and pushing me to get better and trying to make me eat and take meds to make me put on weight. I couldn't cope with that. For now my mouth is zipped tightly shut.

I just feel like everyone's out to force me to do what I least want to do everyone IRL, I mean..

Imsorry TPND - I had someone like your adoptive family - and i thought if only i do this they wilkl love me - well i did and they still didnt love me - they just kept raising the bar and I coulod never reach it - eventually I had to realise I would never meet their standards because they didint want me too - that they were toxic and I had to live without them jmo but your adoptive parents sound the same.

sneding you lots of hugs

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They are the same, they really are. But I just cannot seem to let go! Everytime I do something to "meet their standards", they raise up another standard to reach and I can't do it anymore. I try so ******* hard, but I'll never be perfect, right, for them. I can't accept that though... I just keep standing my ground and pushing myself harder and harder everytime. I want their approval so much because they took me in to love me, support me, want me, care about me, cherish me as their own. I want their approval so much because they have high expectations and they seem to know how to meet such high standards and I just want to be able to meet such high standards too. I want to be me, but at the same time I know they'll never accept me for who I want to be, but I feel like maybe if I just make myself as good as they want me to be, if I push myself, maybe they will love me and want me. I want their approval because... Because I feel like everyone likes them because they have such high standards. I don't know

Yes, it makes me want to gain more control through denying myself food and yes, they know that by forcing me it's making me worse a lot of the time, but they just don't seem to see another way. Connor tries so hard and I know he does. I'm opening up to him about it a little more. Today I admitted I'd been on sites checking calorie and fat gram charts etc. I admitted that I was struggling. I found it really hard, but all he said was "but baby... Are you doing that now? Because i don't want you to be doing that because it's destroying you..." I told him that I do sometimes, but not often and that I'm trying to avoid it. He seemed happy with that. I just... I wish I could just get through this. I wish I could just eat, just accept who I am and not let anyone disrespect me for who I am. Of course, not everyone will like me, I'm not expecting that... I just want those who are important to me to just... Want me to be me, who just love me for being me and want to be friends with me, for being me. You know? That's all I ask... but I feel like if I show that little girl inside of me, the one that is the true me, they'll all run away.. I couldn't deal with that...

I feel so drained today. I have done much thinking and it has exhausted me so much more

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No, of course they didn't love me or want me. Maybe they cared about me and supported me in the way of treating me like they did to make me a better person, to make sure that I always pushed myself hard to be a better person...???? I don't know.

I guess you're right about using their high expectations to dgrade and control me. Hmmmm. See, that's something that proves to me that I don't have control. :-/ I still feel like it was for my personal development ad growth, though because they wanted me to be the best person I could, right? Surely? Yeah? Hmmm.

No not everyone likes them... Not everyone that knows what they're like and believes me when i tell them what they're like... But the people that don't know what they're like and how they treated me do like them, they love them in fact, they think they're the best, most wonderful, caring, loving parents in the world and they'd love to have them as parents... If only they knew dammit!!!!

I'm not saying I want to stop people from disrespecting me, I just want someone to respect me for who I am. not who they want me to be I'm getting sick of that, I got sick of it long ago and it't really hammering on in my head and just frustrating me and making me mad!!!!!! I feel like people only pretend to respect me because they know they can get something out of me. Or they DID. Not anymore.

My friends, Connor, his family, people here, are important to me... But The Adoptive Family still have some importanc in my life because they don't love me and that's all I ever wanted was to be loved etc by them... I don't know when I'll ever stop wantign that, but one thing I do know is that it's not doing me any good, but how the fricken hell do I stop??????

I still think the right people will be taken aback and be unexpectant of it, so be scared by it and run away.. I don't believe that little girl part of me is likable. .....?

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No, thepeople with the correct info don't like them. Ummm... Reading that again.. Wow. Heh.

I'm trying to pick out people that are healthy for me,. but as I've been told before, considering I was around unhealthy people as a child, I'm more likely to want to be friends with more unhealthy people. Sigh.

I don't know which messages lock me into wanting to be accepted by them and such, I try so, so hard to find out which messages would.. But it feels impossible!!!!

Hmmm. I have a lot of things that need to be confronted and defeated... Ouch.

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I guess I have figured out some stuff, I justw ant things to hurry up and get better. I'm sick of everything seeming impossible and I'm sick of being so ******* ill

I'm listening to one of my favourite musicians My friends say I sound quite like her... Heh. It's jewel. I used her songs as some of my inspiration. Someone that heard me singing yesterday, one of my new songs, asked where my inspiration came from and I said that all my songs are based on my life, from the heart and that I get inspiration from some other musicians and songs, but mostly just from what my mind splurges out on paper. Blaaaah. I need to write more songs..

My stomach is all over the place right now, it keeps popping and gurgling and hurting! Grrrr.