I Lost The Fight

I have been eating... Just eating as little as I can possibly get away with... Today I have been ordered to rest. I'm not allowed to do anythig because my ribs hurt so much that I can hardly breathe. Sigh. I hate it when others stop me doing things... I feel compltely useless.

Maybe I'll go and sit in the sun in a bit... Try and let my scars soak some of it up, to let them fade a little. Connor's parents saw them yesterday :/ I got too hot whilst digging so had to take my jumper off, otherwise I'd have fainted. I was a bit scared. They didn't say anything though. I didn't want to take my jumper off because Connor's 11 year old Brother was there, but I had to because I was about to faint.

Anyways... I'm not feeling so good...

TPND, I would find things that you can really control in your life which are healthy (restricting food not being one of them). It seems like you are punishing yourself with activity?

I am punishing myself with activity, yes... Because I can't punish myself any other way without it being obvious, so I'm overworking myself to punish myself. I have a feeling I'm going to break my 16 days SH free when I get home... I just feel so low today. So ill, so tired, so upset and just... I don't want to carry on trying anymore, trying so hard and for what seems like nothing...

Gee, I hate this so, so much. I looked at myself in the mirror earlier and just thought... 'There's so much I could improve, change about this face, this body. I look awful' Ok, the jumpers aren't so flattering, what with them being so huge on me, but... That's to hide the weight I'm apparently losing. I AM fat and I AM disgusting and everyone hates how I look, I just know it. I'll never be this weight again, Ni hate it. It's disgusting... I've lost 10lbs already, I can lose more.. Just another... 15lbs and I can stop.. Can't I?

TPND, I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad! Why do you need to punish yourself???????????? You are fine JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!

Because I deserve it so much! I have only had a day to chill out, out of about... 11 days...

I hate myself. I don't deserve to be alive. I don't deserve to be cared about. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to be healthy. I don't deserve help. I deserve nothing.

I hate myself, everything about me.. I can't stand being this anymore. I can't stand being selfish anymore. I can't stand this. I just CAN'T STAND IT!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't knwo what to say, I'm a mess and I hate myself and I feel liek **** abd I shouldn't be here, I should shut my big gob.

People tell em to go to child protectiona nd such but how can I? I ahve no eveidence or anytihng and people wil.l not believe ame at all and theuy all just think I'm lying and they all heate me. Just like everyone else deos.

Sorry. i hate myself right now and I'm baw.ing my eyse out. I need to go calm down. Somehow. I dont know whats'; gonna hapenenp

TPND, I think that you just need to focus on getting better. You tried to get justice. You only have so much energy. Taking care of you should come first.

You deserve the best of everything. You deserve nothing bad! You deserve love, especially from yourself.

Can you find where all of these negative messages are coming from and work through them?

Why would you ever say that you are selfish?

I know it should... But it never does... Only today I put my whole life on hold trying to help someone. It paid off in the end, because I saved her life and, although we were close, we're majorly close now...

How can I deserve nothing bad when i've done so much wrong? Messed up so many peoples' lives?
I know where they're coming from and that's my Adoptive Family and a certain 28 year old that hates me because I found out that she was lying to me about things like her Auntie dying of Caner... When she knew full well that my Foster Dad died of cancer.. She came online today, just briefly and said...

"You should let go of the 'Life Rope', the world would be a far better place if a stupid, fat b**ch called sl*tty Kirsten didn't exist. You should never have been born"

She then went offline suddenly because she was afraid of what I had to say back. She should've been afraid. I had a huge mouthful to say about how cowardly she is not phoning me up and saying it, or waiting to see what I had to say and being so pathetic as to use her own insecurities against me. She knows I have an ED and she knows I almost died at Birth. She also knows that I get easily hurt by people, hence the "you should never have been born" the whole bit about sl*tty Kirsten, that was to do with the rapes. I know that. Heh. It cut me deep. but knowing that she's pathetic to say such harsh words to someone 11 years younger than her has kept me going. I was extremely close to an OD.

Luckily though, today I was desperately trying to help Vicki (the one I put my life on hold for today). She was incredibly suicidal, had just come back from hospital after OD'ing last night and just wanted to completely end it. I begged and pleaded, giving her reasons why she shouldn't do it. In the end, we made a pact. A positive pact. We said that if we don't have the will or strength to fight for ourselves, then we will fight for each other. because then we're still fighting and we're helping each other at the same time. I was os glad that she agreed with this. So, so glad. So.. yeah... If I don't ever cut or OD, or harm myself in any other way, ever again... It's because of her.. because I'll be fighting for her. I've never felt such a strong friendship connection with someone and it feels amazing. It's been just over 2 weeks since I last cut..

I say I'm selfish because I only think about myself, I only do things for myself and I do so much wrong and it hurts other people. It sounds stupid because of what I did today, now... but I feel like it's true... After all, I was told I'm selfish, even when i did do everything for others, nothign for myself...

(((TPND))) - why do you hate yourself? you seem to be a gentle caring person to me I hope you managed not to hurt yourself - did you end up getting a T ?

Because I feel like I should because of being told that I should, all my life. I know I'm caring and that I love and care about, a lot of people. But then there are just some people that give me negative comments and because that's all I had when I was younger, it sticks for longer than what a positive comment does. I'm going to post more of what the 28 year old was messaging me with, later. She's had a lot to say to me.

I didn't hurt myself at all last night, which was a huge achievement because the 28 y/o really triggered me and got me really angyr and upset and stuffs so I almost ODed and stuff. Which was horrible. But I was talkign to Vicki at the time, so she helped me out and calmed me down.

I haven't found a T yet, but will be starting counselling at SWEDA.

Imj glad you will be startng councilling - I hope its soon - congrats on not SI - well done

((((((((((((((((((TPND))))))))))))))))))))

you do not have to believe everything everybody says about you becasue they are definitely not always right...............being true to yourself and taking care of yourself is definitely not selfish and neither is the way in cwhich you care for and help others.
hold onto that which you believe in and know is true and dont worry so much about everybody else that does/says things to deliberately hurt you. kbes

your freind,

mary

just wanted to add sumthing here................if others dont like/accept you or whatever then remember thats their problem, not yours...........try not to let their problem be your problem and concentrate on helping you as sannah suggests

TPND, read your entry that I have quoted up there ^. It isn't logical. You say you are selfish then you say that you do everything for others and nothing for yourself..........

I think some of it has to do with boundary issues. You feel responsible for others and you are not. You think that you mess up other's lives but only they are responsible for their lives.

TPND, why do you give these negative and harmful people access to you! These types of people wouldn't come within any sort of distance of me.

Sounds like you could greatly benefit from some healthy boundaries. Boundaries which would demarcate where you end and others begin so that you can see that you are not responsible for others and boundaries to keep unhealthy people away from you.

It's compeletely backwards, I know. :/

I do feel responsible for others, like I'm ruining their lives a lto of the time. Even when i'm trying to help them.

I try not to let harmful people come within access to me. I find it hard, though. i feel I deserve to be hurt and stuff.

How can I find/make those boundaries? It seems so impossible. Sorry for any spelling mistakes.... I've been drinking since 10am, to drown out the pain and guilt of eating and styuff.

Sorry.

TPND,

Hold in there, things will be better, I know you've heard that before but it will, we are here for you whenever you need to talk. PM me if you ever need to I am always around. Take care my friend.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((TPND)))))))))))))))))))))))))

NO ONE deservves to be hurt or treated badly by others....................
you have been thru so much..............you really DO deserve to be treated with respect and kindness............mmmmmmmmmmmm setting boundaries is difficult to learn.....it comes with practice at standing up for yourself.but it helps iffen you learn to love yourself at least a llittle bit first just makes more sense thataway..............start with simple situations and people that you do trust........iffen you can learn to stand up for yourself with them, then it will get easier to do it with others, including those that are treating you badly

here to help any way we can

mary of beads

Try to fight this belief that you are responsible for others? This is really a boundary issue too. Maybe think about where you end and others start. This line shouldn't be crossed too much.

So do you think that you seek out harmful people to punish yourself?

To make boundaries you have to 1) be aware of what is going on with you and what is going on between you and others. 2) you have to be aware of what you need. 3) you have to be able to formulate the boundary and then let it be known and enforce it.

I do stand up for myself now... I never used to do it, but I do now... I've learnt how to stand up for myself, don't ask me how... But somehow it just came to me that if I felt something wasn't right I had to stand up for it and other such stuff...

I knwo I have boundary issues, i guess it's because I care about others so much and so little about myself.. I don't know. I'm just guessing. I feel like I know nothing about myself.. I feel like such a fricken' retard. I hate it. I feel dumb and stupid and like a little kid.

I know what's going on between me and others, I know what I need... I just don't know hwo to enforce boundaries. i feel guilty if I don't help others as much as I used to, I feel like others will hate me more.

I know now that the reason so many people dislike me is because they envy tha fact that i care about others so much, the fact that I'm trusted with anything and everything, including other peoples' money and deepest, darkest secrets, the fact that I seem to have it so easy... No, I don't... Charlene was really helpful last night. I stuck up for her when others were threatening to throw a tv at her and she stuck up for me when those others gave me crap. She said "leave Kirsten out of this, she's nothing to do with it, yeah she's taken my side and is sticking up for me, but you shouldn't be getting others on her back. She's had and has still got, enough s**t to deal with so leave her out of it. She doesn't need your s**t." Which was nice on my part. It was nice to know that people will stick up for me, or acknowledge that I've got a lotta crap to sort through and deal with.

I just hate this place so much... I've had so much crap given out to me in this place and now people are pressurising me and giving me crap and just really getting to me at the moment. I just want to get out of this place, be free, able to sdo what I want, how I want and when I want. Maybe then I'd be so much less depressed and feel free and able to live my life. Maybe then i wouldn't be here complaining all teh friggin' time. I'm sick of this place, I'm sick of this life, I'm sick of everything in my life at the moment, apart from the people that care and love me... I'm sick of feeling lazy and fat and ugly. I'm sick of hating myself.

So why can't I Just Change It??

I don't know. No-one here'll help me move out, maybe? No-one here is actually supporting my plans? No-one is actually confirming that my plans are great plans? Even though I know they are... Because they're right for me... Grrrrrr. Hate it!!!!

..........

I know that I feel like my Adoptive Family and my Twin will think badly of me/love me less/hate me more/make others hate me more if I meet my own needs first - or if I meet them at all... I know that's a problem. I know i need to address it, but it's just how to address it and change it... I can see that I'm starting to accept that my needs are sometimes more important than others and that I need to put myself first more than I do. I'm getting there. I've started helping the people I normally help, less. Because I know that a lot of these people give me absolutely nothing back...

I'm glad I'm not the only one that's feeling emotionally like a 5 year old.. I guess I feel more like a 10 year old because that's when the real crap started, but then again... I've had crap all my life, so I don't know what age I feel... I just know I go back to being a 5 or 10 year old every now and then because of such big events happening there, I digress back to then when similar situations happen. Huh. I'm beginning to understand. I think.

I do think about them all the time, constantly... Always thinking about how I can change/improve the situation and other such stuff. My brain never stops whirring because I'm constantly thinking of ways to help myself or others and stuff like that.

Well... Yeah... Because I've always been told that my ideas/plans are stupid and that they'll get me nowhere in life... The first time I broke away from that was when I made the choice MYSELF of doing music at college. I know that was the right decision, but the wrong move there was my mental situation deteriorating. I wasn't to know it's get worse... Was I...? I'm making more decisions myself now that I live alone - or trying to - because I know that it's important to be able to do that. I have the right life skills, I have all of the life skills I need, it's just knowing whether I'm doing the right thing that gets me sometimes.

I am trying to move, but it's extremely difficult... I need to know exactly where I'm moving, when, view the place(s), have a deposit, have all my stuff packed up and ready to go in time, make sure I know I'll be okay completely on my own (which by now... I KNOW I'll be fine, with friends to call and such when I need) I just know it's this place that's depressing me even more and I'm being broken down even more every day by it. It's just the fact that no-one's helping me to move... I mean... Who in the World expects a 17 year old to just be able to move out as simply as that? To move into their own flat and know exactly where they're moving etc.

I expect, though.. That with me being with Connor, he'll stay with me for the first few nights, just to make sure that I feel safe in my new place, which I'm sure I will away from everything that's happened... Especially if tomorrow, I can finalise getting my dog's Birth papers... I'll be able to have her living with me then and I'll feel much safer, emotionally stable, happy and like I can finally live my life again with someone to love who truly loves me (as well as Connor of course) who can be there with me whenever I need them (unlike Connor) Ahhh. The prospect... Just thinkiung about it... Makes me feel like there will be a better future if i can just hold on and get all this Doggy business sorted.

I'm worried. Worried that everything'll go wrong. But I'm also thinking 'It'll be okay. We'll figure something out, we'll find a way. We'll get there somehow' and I never normally think like that. Of course, the worry overpowers the calm, but I'm getting there!

Today has started badly, but ended brilliantly! The sun was shining, I did a mammoth gym session, I found out I've lost 5kg, everyone's been helpful/nice to me today, I've helped someone go shopping on a budget and keep within their budget and start to eat more healthily (she eats junk - loaaaads of it and is overweight). I was a little depressed and angry, but I feel so much better now. A good scream does the trick along with a harsh gym session from time to time. I feel exhausted, but slightly elated. I love that feeling and I'm amazed at the weight loss :/ but that was done in less healthy ways... But for now, that doesn't matter. I will be eating tonight... I'm just loving this elated feeling and the tenseness is started to flow out of my muscles. It's wonderful. I may still be a little tense and stressed, but... Like everything else! I'm getting there!

I will update you tomorrow. I have baked potato to coook for my friend and I and some chilling to do. YES! CHILLING!!!

Ooooohhhh, I loved your hopeful post! You are a very capable person! You do understand so much about yourself!

Mmm. It was a rather nice post wasn't it?

I'm exhausted now... My whole body ached this morning from my gym session last night and I've been doing caving, sun bathing and cycling today. I'm aching even more! Got congratulated for overcoming the claustrophobia a bit. Eeeek! It was so scary! But now I ache and it hurts and all of a sudden I feel like crying

I think it's because I feel like...Well... Like no-one wants to know... When I achieve something, Charlene tells me to shut up about it... Like when i lost 5kg, I was so chuffed and I just said that I couldn't believe I'd done it... She told me to shut up then... I know itr's because she knows she's overweight, hates it and wants to lose the weight and hates the fact that I'm the one losing the weight, not her... But she could at least say something like "nice one, good job.." whatever. Anything just to make me shut up but at the same time congratulate me... It's not that I have to be praised everytime, it's just that I don't want people being nasty to me about it just because they're jealous...

I've put a hell of a lot of hard work into losing weight and doing lots of exercise etc. I'm exhausted today, but I have another gym session tomorrow and hopefully kayaking on thursday... Plus walking everywhere helps. I have helped Charlene to lose weight by getting her to buy healthy food and tried to get her to go to the gym... I managed to get her to come caving after a lot of "*****" "you're mean" "***** off". she didn't even thank me...She came cycling and moaned afterwards about her legs being like jelly. Sigh. When will I ever win??? It's all a front and I know it. I know she enjoyed it, otherwise she'd have not done it. GRRRR.

I just feel so low at the moment... Maybe it's because I've eaten more than usual today because everyone was watching me, making sure I'd eaten... So I couldn't get out of it at all.

Blah blah blah. I'm tired, exhausted, knackered, whatever you want to call it and I actually feel rather sick today. Maybe too much exercise??? NEVER!!!! Please don't tell me it could be!!

But then again... It wouldn't stop me... :/

Charlene is a friend??????????

Good Morning TPND!
first of all, beads would liek to tell yuo cong. on losign teh wiehgt..........
we also fight teh battle of teh bulge( wuold never know we had ed-anorexia/bulemia years ago )adn know how hard it is.
second, beads suggest to you to follow YOUR heart adn YOUR dreams......
must always strive to keep your dreams lalive, even no matter how unacheivable they seem.......you never know what teh future holds until you get there.....
lastly, adn this is teh hardest for beads to get uot but we carte adn iffen it will help you take that step to get moved uotta that place your at and into your won place we will tell you.......ummm like beads was in foster care since her was 12 yrs. old........when we turned 17 the rotten gruop home place we was living in ( it was a place for the girls that the state had pretty much "given up" on for whatever reason ) took beads to one of the worst unsafest parts of St. Louis adn helped her sign a year's lease for an apt.
they paid for the first month's rent for beads. then, there was nuthign more, form anyone........no caseworker no nuthing..........beads did NOT have good life skills.........beads had no furniture, no dirver liscense state id or even social security card, or vehicle for transportation, adn worst of all no job adn no job skills.........we was high school drop uot ( finished 9th grade adn got a bout almost halfway thru the tenth) did not even have GED.
it was SINK OR SWIM
beads got angry, adn we swam liek a swan!
taht was liek 30 yrs. ago...............so beads tells you that you have a whole lot going for you then we did wehn we was your age, we is still here hun!
you CAN do this, you |ARE capable adn you CAN win this fight!!!!!!!!!
hang in there adn keep putting your best foot forward..............there is NO limit to the possibilities of what you can adn will achieve in life............
setting goals, no matter how small at first, adn reaching goals and setting new goals IS good way to start..............dont sell yourslf short TPND
hope today is good for you
feel free pm beads anytiem iffen you needs to....
hugs,
beads

Ummm. Not really, no. Just someone to keep me company when I don't want to be alone. :-/

Thanks for your reply beads.

I had my first SWEDA counselling appointment today...

It wasn't as scary/bad as I thought it'd be, but I still managed to pick at my fingers and fiddle a lot because I was so nervous!

Sian did challenge me quite a bit, like when I said that everyone else is right and I'm always wrong and that's what I've always believed, she said; "So why is everyone else so much more right/important than you???" Eeek! I didn't know how to answer that and sat there pondering for quite a while. Eventually I said that I guess it's because it's how I've been brought up... To knwo that everyone else is right and that I'm always wrong. That I shouldn't even check to see if I'm right because I'm always, always wrong and everyone else knows better and knows what's right. Pus the fact that they were my "family" and I looked up to them and they told me taht I'm always wrong and thehy're always right... That made me believe that's how it is with everyone that knows me.

So... Yeah, it was a good session, we figured out that we're going to work on my self esteem and self belief, which is a major part of what's spurred on the eating disorder. it's going to be really scary and emotional though, because it's opening up all teh stuff about the physical, emotional and sexual abuse that's happened in my life, with my Adoptive Family and other people.

Heh. I was glad that I managed to tell Sian when she asked "how do you really feel about everything, do you think you have to be tough for everyone else, be strong around everyone else?", that I laugh when really I want to cry, i smile when actually I'm dying inside, I'm really upset and that I do feel I have to be tough, that I have to put on a smile and not cry or show that I'm upset because it's how I got through my time with my Adoptive Family, so I feel like it's the only way I'll get through life now, without too much bad stuff happening.

It's confusing and even Sian got confused at some points and gave me a look as if to say 'what are you talking about?' like when I said in answer to her question of "what do you see yourself as?" That I see myself as a fat, ugly, stupid, nasty person who doesn't deserve to be okay. Oops. I know that's the wrong way to think, I know that a lot of people disagree, but again.. It's what I've been brought up to know about me. It's some tough stuff to sort through and there's going to be quite a bit of confusion, I can tell... But at least I'm getting somewhere, right...?

So yeah... Today wasn't so bad... Apart from when Connor bought me a jacket potato, knowing I'd feel guilty if I didn't eat it and that I wouldn't want to make a fuss in the cafe... He shared it with me, but then he bought a slice of bakewell tart too. and then a giant easter egg for me!!! How could my day get any worse???

I loved the thought that was behind it, but I hated the fact that he was trying to make me eat!! I feel so guilty and so down and so grouchy at the moment because of hardly any sleep last night, that I don't even want to go to the gym. I went Monday and am still aching from that and I went cycling yesterday. I'm going in the gym tomorrow and Saturday. I hate myself right now. I hate myself so, so much!!! GRRRRRR. Why do I give in so easily!!???


Just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I hate myself, really I do... *sob* I feel so alone now. No-one IRL understands...

TPND, I am so glad that you are honest with the counselor! Keep up the good work. She sounds like a good counselor!

So you feel so bad about eating?

Your perfect (in full control) day would be 1) little or no food, and 2) lots of exercise? You would be on top of the world? This sounds so difficult to accomplish, though! Our bodies need food and rest! To do this you have to fight nature!