I Lost The Fight

He's at his friends house. He was going to see me today, but never really arranged it. I'm angry with his parents. They won't let him see me on our 3rd year anniversary. Yeah it's only 3 years, but to us that's huge considering what we've been through together. They just said "do it another day" what, change the anniversary to another day??? Pff. All because he wasn't at college - where he'd get NO work done - and was at mine doing the photography shoot for his photography project and prep book, which was what he needed to do!!! Grrrrrrr.

So yeah. That's got to me I won't be seeing him until next week sometime I expect. I kinda don't want him to see me in such a state. He's struggling himslef with college work and such so I just want to leave him to get on and get the work done and not have to worry about me on top of all of that. I can look after myself :/

{{{{{{{{{{{{{TPND}}}}}}}}}}}}

please dont let yourself give up............
cuz just like we just wrote on your other post,
iffen you were to give up and hurt yourself (orworse)
They would actually win, not you!

try and comfort yourself iffen you has to lay down and rock yourself to sleep maybe you can lissen to some relaxing music also?

here and still lissening,
beads (all of us)

can you ring him for a chat - that might help - I am here sitting with you if you need me - we can fight the SI urge together -

I'm okay this morning... I cried though

I was in the midst of doing breakfast club when - again -Nancy wrote to me on msn. She had some lovely words to say

"How is your alcoholic mother ****** has she drunk herself to DEATH YET!! DROP DEAD ******!!!!"

Heh. Ouch. In that moment, people were talking. My hand flew to my mouth and I let out a loud gasp. Everyone turned to look at me and said "what?" I couldn't speak. My eyes were welling up and I squeaked "Oh My God... How could anyone be so harsh? Say such nasty things?!" Emily, one of the girls stood there said "who's said what, Kirst?" Ellee said "You look like you're about to cry..."
Next thing I knew, I said "I am" and burst into tears.

Eeeeeeek! Ellee ran around to the kitchen where I was stood and grabbed me,pulling me into a big hug. I sobbed so loud even the receptionist turned to look at me. Emily read the message and banged her fist on teh breakfast bar.. "Right. That is IT!!! This is the one that 'has breast cancer', right?"
"umm. Yeah.."
"The ******. I've had enough of her s--t! She's given you enough hassle as it is, you don't deserve any of this Kirst. I'm gonna have words with her as soon as I can. She won't get away with it. I'm gonna be in my room all day if you need me, okay?"
"yeah.. Thanks Em"

Taz had also read it and she was fuming too. I thought Taz hated me, but this morning she'd been really nice to me and chatty with me and now she was being sympathetic too. It was a nice surprise.

Abi came down to breakfast club and said "Kirst, d'you wanna meet a bit earlier?"
"yeah, sure... I think it'd be the best idea."
"Are you okay? You look a bit... Phlurgh."
"No. I don't think anyone would be okay after having this message"
I showed her my phone and she was livid.
"Right. Were going to sort this out once and for all. I've had enough of her. This is the 28 year old, yeah?"
"yeah"
"Okay. Uhmmm. D'you wanna go for a coffee, so we can have a chat about it and stuff, get out in the sun for a bit too?"
"Oooooh. Please! I could do with a coffee and a bit of sunshine."

So we went and had a coffee and decided we're getting in contact with CEOPS today to get this sorted out. Just can't believe so many people saw me cry! But they were all nice about it.

Just. I don't get it. Why are people so damned horrible?! Even Charlene got angry this morning when she asked me to pass her the juice so I did, then when I got back to the opposite side of the counter, she asked me for a glass which was right next to where the juice had been, so I just said to her "Charlene,if you want a glass you can get up and get it yourself" i can't do everything for you, I'm doing the toast and stuff for everyone else!" I didn't shout, just sounded exasperated... So she said; "Oh for f--k's sake, Kirsten. Cheer up, it might never happen! God... Be grumpy like you f--king always are".

Pff. Ellee had a go at her for being so nasty and getting stressed out over such stupid things. I'm glad Ellee understands why I'm not happy a lot. I said to Ellee after she read what Nancy said after Charlene had stormed off, "If she read that message, maybe then she'd understand why I'm grumpy. I don't need her s--t. I'm sick of it. She gets stressed out over nothing. It's ridiculous. I don't deserve her s--t anymore. I won't stand for it"

Ellee said "You're right, Kirst. I won't stand for it. If she gets all stressy with me I have a go at her for it and tell her to stop being so stressy over nothing. She's the grumpy one, not you. She needs to take her own advice for once and smile."

heh. I knew Ellee in school, but never really spoke to her much. So her being so understanding and nice about it was really helpful

I just. Hm. I don't feel so good why are some people so nasty?

have you ever heard the saying that sometimes people are so miserbale that they are not happy unless they are making others miserable too?
just a thought as to why she is so awful the way she is treating you....
thinking of you,

beads (all of us)

try to remember that this is HER problem, not yours......
also that as long as she knows she is getting under your skin she will prolly keep this up..........cqan you try to ignore her comments......not let her know that she is bothering you? then some of it might stop
again, just an idea

I hope you get things sorted soon

TPND, see what happens when you reach out to others and let them help you!!!!!!

You stood up for yourself with Charlene. You did good. Charlene has the right to be grumpy, this is her business. What occurred is fine. She was grumpy, you let her know. It's over. You won't die because someone is grumpy. Her grumpiness isn't about you. Can you let it go?

You saw one mean person (Nancy), one grumpy person and a lot of helpful and supportive people. I would be giving more weight to the supportive people when weighing out how your day went..........

I've not shown her that it's getting to me, no way. I haven't answered her in any way. She won't get away with it, though. She can't. No-one will let me drop it.

I know, Sannah, I know... I just find it hard, that's all. I can let the stuff with Charlene go, that doens't bother me so much.

I'm trying to let the helpful people outweigh the nasty, but when I've got to think more about the nasty people because of going to the police and everything, it's kinda hard. But I'm getting there. I hope.

I've just had a difficult day. I've been stressed out because I was worrying about Mum and upset about what Nancy said about my Mother. No-one has any right to say that about my Mother. Not even me.

I'm in so much pain because of all the tension and stress building up. This morning, I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore. It was nice to have a hug. It was even better to know that people I thought hated me, actually want to help me... It's nice to know that they'll look out for me and stick around if/when I need them. It was nice to cry and not feel like I complete idiot, and be standing there whilst everyone looked at me like I was weird or something. It was nice to have people get angry about it for me.

So many nice things... not all of them neccessarily good things like the getting angry and stuff, but I think people have finally started to realise that they need to ease off on me a little. That I do need my bit of time to get upset and stuff. I don't feel much less tense and like I'm holding things back than I did before, but a little is good enough. It's better than my normal nothing at all, right?

I'm really tense today, I think it's the anxiousness and such. Just. Yeah. Ummm. I posted on the forum that I met her on and that she's been banned from and quite a few people replied saying how nasty it was and how little I deserved that kinda s--t. That was nice too. Even people who didn't know me said I seemed caring and that I didn't deserve it and such. Let's just hope this can be sorted out properly.

Abi said I'm strong anough to deal with it, I'm not so sure... But in a way I'm glad she's spitting all the s--t at me, because I know that I can do something about it and get her sorted out once and for all. I can't stand it anymore. Not like I thought I could. No. Not anymore.

Very good things. Now don't forget them!

yep so many good things - all those caring people and support - thats great

beads

Thanks for your replies, guys.

I didn't sleep too well last night after being worried and such about people and things. So... Hm. I'm tired.

I was going to drown my sorrows last night, but in the end decided that a sleep would be more therapeutic. I'm not going to really be seeing anyone today. I don't feel like eating or anything. I'm too tired and just want to clean and tidy my room ready for Georgie to come see me.

Hmm. I'm a bit stupid at times. But I guess... Sometimes I'm not. i have to go to the police at some point either today or next week, not sure yet... Don't know if I feel up to it today

Glad you had a good sleep try to take care of yourself today - your body needs fuel to help your mind deal wiht these things - take care

so glad also to hear that you had a good nights sleep......that can sometimes make such a difference in our way we approach the day and how we feels\thinks.

we is hopeing for a wonderful, relaxing day for you today.
thinking of you,

beads (all of us)

I like these choices that you are making! Calmness and recentering is very good!!!!!!!!!!

Mmm. Haven't tidied my room yet, just been chilling out in bed listening to music. Still don't feel so good, go a migraine so drowning that out with water!!

Today hasn't been such a bad day... Charlene's been really grumpy as usual because she's not getting her own way, Ellee's off with friends, Sam just came home and seems okay, I had a reeeeeally long talk with Paul, my favourite security guard which was fun, wasted half an hour

And yeah. Just generally feeling a bit weak and tired and can't be bothered today. Maybe tomorrow when I've slept more, got more time and have nothing else to do...?

Hmmm. People can be strange sometimes. Got my twin on my back again, saying I have no friends... I spoke to Abi about that and she screwed up her face and said.. "What the hell's that girl on about??? You've got friends, haven't you!!! She doesn't know you at all, that girl, does she?" She's right on that one. I thought things were okay between my twin and I, but obviously not anymore. Grrr. She's so... Argh. She changes like the wind and it confuses me!

blah. Don't care today. Silly people. Need sleep!

Yeah!!!!!!!!!

Hope you have a good sleep glad you have supportive people around you - thats great next time you talk to your twin maybe tell her about your friends then she will understand - take care

She doesn't care, or even want to try caring.

I had a crap weekend. It was really, really crap. Saturday wasn't so bad, but yesterday my luck just ran out completely. :-(

First, Charlene and Tash waltzed in my room JUST after I'd been bawling my eyes out, after finding some stuff in my room that I'd written from when I was 10+ I'll go into that in a min.

But yeah, they just waltzed in,I had JUST cleaned and tidied my room, spent 6 hours wiping down every surface, tidying everything away and throwing out stuff that I didn't need, being ruthless, when they came in. Tash started smoking, Charlene moved important stuff that was on my bed to sit on it and I said "That's important stuff there, I need it there." So she got in a huff and moved it back "There, you happy now??? F--k sake. F--king D-ckhead."
"Heh. You callin' ME a d-ckhead?"
"Yep"
"You can get your sorry little *** out of my room now."
"Um. Nah. Make me"
Cheeky little sod! So after a while, it was silent and her and Tash left. Grrrr. I'd burned lavendar candles and incense to make my room smeel nice as well, now it just smells of stale cigarette smoke. Ugh. Just shows how little respect people have for me.

THEN I put my washing on and the machines have locks on the doors, only the one on the tumble drier is broken. Karis had her washing in the drier before mine and it was sat waiting for her to get it for at least an hour. So I put my washing in the drier and when she came down to get her stuff (I'd set a timer on my phone for when it finished so I don't check on it), she opened the door of the tumble drier and left it. So now, I have soaking wet clothes and no tokens to dry them!!!! GRRRRRR why the hell do people want to make my life such hell?? I'd have much rathered her carrying out her threat of smashing my face in than make me wear wet clothes, or find old ones that are ripped.

Sigh. I'm sick of it. And it's mine and Connor's 3 year anniversary today, but his parents won't let him see me "do it another day" heh. Move our anniversary to another day??? Pff.

Yeah... The stuff I wrote when I was 10+... All about my feelings... I was so strong, the words were so powerful and strength showed in every word I wrote.. One line read...

"I will NOT let this change my life... I won't let THEM affect my life anymore. I've done it for too long. They can't get to me anymore..."

Heh. If only I could think and write like that now, eh?
I was reading about how I wasn't eating, about the fact that my hair was falling out because of stress, the fact I was surviving on a piece of toast or 2 every day... That was me??? At 10 years of age? They didn't care, just told me to get a life. I had more of a life than they did, me thinks. Just wish it had been happier in the beginning.

I just. Hm. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't see anyone anymore. I'm hiding away because I'm scared of people now. I don't want to keep being hurt, so I hide myself away... I have no reason to see these people and none of them care that I look like crap and that I say to them "I don't want anything to eat" the only reason Charlene got annoyed about it was because she wanted someone to cook the food for her. Pff. Lazy cow.

I'm fed up

Sorry you are feeling so down - if you cant see connor maybe you could ring and have a chat?

You don't have a lock on your door? Just because others are rude doesn't mean that you have to let them win! They make their choices and you make yours. You can chose to not let them win and bother you!

I came up with the idea of us calling each other for a chat, last night. He's still down about not getting to see me though... But I think he'll feel better after talking to me on the phone.

I do have a lock on my door, just didn't have my door locked at the time because I was going in and out of my room. The laundry room is shared between 29 of us and Karis just took it upon herself to be a complete *** about it and open the door of the tumble drier so that my clothes didn't dry. She didn't win, I've told staff about it and they're going to sort her out, plus I got a free drying token! So I win!

Mandy (another key worker) phoned me earlier, on my room phone and asked for a mirror.... she then told me why she wanted it and I ended up straightening her hair for her!! LOL found it quite funny, but she said she'd called me because she trusted that I wouldn't drop her in it and get her into trouble for straightening her hair in work! Ha. I like to be trusted, because I know I am trustworthy. Just made me laugh. We had a chat about my family and stuff and I got a few things off my chest, which was useful. When i told her that my twin had said I have no friends, she said "What???!!!! You've got loads of friends!!!!" Your sister doesn't sound like a very nice person.

I told her about the issues with my dog-----I have now found a place for her to stay close by me whilst I find a flat where I can keep her!!! YAY! So today.... Has been a GOOD day and I LIKE it! Scrap that, I LOVE IT!!! So yeah, had a chat with Mandy and offloaded some stuff and had a giggle with her, which was nice. She said I'm such a lovely girl and she appreciated me doing her hair very much

*dances* I have to dash as I have a cross stitch pattern to finish! Superwoman is back... Not sure how long for, but would rather not think about that!

I'm tired, reallllllly tired and have only had 3 hours sleep, but somehow I'm bouncing off the walls!!????

Oh well. It's all good

Very, very good!!!!!!!!

Yeah! Hold onto that feeling - and if you have a bad day - then come back and look at your post and remind yourself that you had a good day - and if you had one you can have another and another and another

cool beans on the good day TPND!!!!!!!!!!!!
and Glad to hear that SUPERWOMAN is back!!!!!
hang in there!
as Pheonix7 just writed, go back adn remember the good days on the bad days ...........
sending peaceful, restful thought your way for a good nights sleep tonite!

beads