I Lost The Fight

I know. I know it is!!!! It's horrible and I hate it and it makes me angry and frustrated and annoyed!!! But I can't help it...

My Adoptive Family always told me I'm fat and now my Birth Mother does it... So of course, I feel fat and now my whole life revoles around food because I want to lose weight and be who they want me to be, be accepted... For "who I am".

I know that Georgie'll help me out, she said she doesn't eat much anyway, but her not much could be loads to me, which it most probably is... But I know that she'll support me in whatever I do or don't eat.. I made sure I bought all healthy food, so that makes it a teensy bit easier, but I'm just scared

All of these issues are why you are going to therapy!

I know they are.

I was talking to Connor about my therapy session yesterday, today and hearing myself saying what I was surprised me so much... I got so much out of that one 50 minute session, that I never got out of a whole years worth of hour long sessions! I understand so much more than i did when i first went into that room with Sian and doing the flipchart stuff really helped because it means I can look back on it whenever I like

I just hope that I can concentrate on therapy and get good things out of it, and hopefully not ruin everything... See.. I always think I'm going to ruin things... It's horrible

You are going to do well in therapy!

Yes I have faith in you that you will do well intherapy too

I SLEPT!! :woohoo: Finally! After getting a couple of b-tchy texts. Because of Charlene. Here goes:

She came to me after having a go at me for not going to the girls' self esteem group and said "Are you ok with me?"

I said to her that I wanted time alone, away from people because they'd got on my nerves and stuff. Especially her having a go at me for not goinmg to the girls self esteem group with her. She said to me just now "are u ok with me?" I was just like... Why the hell should I be???!!! After you had a go at me and told everyone it's because I'm scared of Karis???

She said she'll put all my stuff together that's in her room and I can go and get it. Then asked if we're not going to be "mates" ever again. My reply...

"Guess not. I'm just fed up of all the s--t I get in this place. Especially from people being insensitive and just not appreciating me at all. I cant wait to get out of here"

Her reply to that was extremely hurtful and just proved how little people care about me *sob* I hate this. I hate my life. I hate myself. I am definately not eating now!

"ohh well I will get ova it I aint fussed "

Thanks Charlene. That really showed me just how little she cared and just how much she used me for "company" or food or money, whatever she could get out of me, she got it. Ugh. She makes me sick.

She then came on here. With Sam, the girl that was there when I was raped the last time. Showed her my posts. NOT HAPPY!!! She showed her that I'd written about her, that I'd talked about when she was drunk. Sam sent me a text..

"Oi!!! Please don't write about me on psychcentral. Writing about when I got drunk and you were asked to help security and look after me!!!"

Me: "There was nothing nasty written about you, and Ithey don't know who you are, where you live or your last name or anything."

Sam: "I read it all. you writing about how drunk I was and that I passed out and stuff. Don't do it. (blah blah blah......)"

Me: "Sam, if I want to get support for things, I'll get support. If that involves naming others, not full names, just first names and not saying where they live or anything, I think that's fair. I can't be expected to help people so much and not be supported myself. There is no problem with me doing that. Some people need to get sleep and getting petty argumentative texts isn't helping, so just leave it."

Something along those lines anyway. So I was woken up at 00:03am for that!!! GRRRR. Not happy. But I sorted it and stuck up for myself I guess, she shut up after I sent that last text.

Do they really expect me to help people and not need support fr it afterwards? I'm not a bleeding counsellor, I'm just a teenager!!! Even if I was a counsellor, I'd have to talk to someone about it anyway!! If she doesn't like that, then she needs to learn the ways of the world. GRR.

I've not let it get to me today, because even when i thought I wouldn't be able to sleep, I managed to get to sleep. Finally. Just. How can people be like that? So petty and cruel and inconsiderate of others feelings??? Especially when it's such personal stuff I'm writing on here that I don't want people from this awful place knowing!

Hmm. I guess I feel my privacy and safe space has been invaded... Yet Again.

TPND, I am so glad that you slept! I'm glad that you were able to sort that out and not let it get to you. Good Work!

I am rather glad too! It was brilliant last night, I think I handled stuff pretty well I have lots to talk about whilst in therapy too, which is good and I'm sure that Sian will be very helpful and probably help me move out of this place even quicker. Woo! Can't Wait!

As you can see, from the "thanks for this!" from Ch------, she is on this forum. Keeping good tracking on what I write about people, so of course the people I have written about - like Karis and Sam - have seen what I've written and Karis decided she wanted to try picking a fight last night. Hm. I think I was quite sensible and surprisingly calm and sorted it out well. I told security, who had seen it all, but they haven't done anything - yet - but something will be done, because I'm not being threatened whilst my best friend is here and it's the first time she's ever met me etc. I even said to K---- to get out of my room because I don't want any fights whilst my best friend's here. I gently nudged her shoulder to get her out of the room and she went crazy and pushed me back screaming "don't push me!!!" flicking ash in my room at the same time. Not happy. So I said "well let me out of my room then" and pushed my way past to security. It will be sorted today though Think I handled that well? I do!

Although that happened, Georgie and I had a good nights' sleep and still managed to have a giggle and stuff which was good! I haven't done that in ages, so it's been a great weekend so far and the only thing I messed up was when I burnt myself whilst trying to turn the veggie crumble around XD I felt like it was all my fault that I'd been started on at first and like I'd completely messed up the whole weekend already, but Georgie was just worried about me, worried that I wasn't okay. I was fine, just shocked it had happened. I had hoped it wouldn't because of Georgie being here, but I guess they thought they could show me up. Heh. In fact Georgie said it showed them up more than anything XD

Oh today is such a good day already!

Glad you're having a good day

TPND, another good day! You have been having a lot of them! And it sounds like you are becoming a pretty good problem solver!

Ooo the weekend was amazing! Even though there was a lot of b-tchiness and other such silly things, I had much fun and sletp really well!!!

Things messed up a little yesterday, but the problem got solved and all is well. Although I did have a very low moment by the evening yesterday and today I feel crappy still, but no-one's going to bring me down any further because I'm in an ignoring all the petty people mood today. I have interviews to prepare for. I'm helping the staff here choose a new key support worker. Eeep!

I'm still tired and slightly irritable today, but I think most of the day will be spent chilling out in my room and stuff. I'll be going to see Georgie in July when she finishes college and I'll be moving into a new flat very soon. All scary but exciting stuff!

I guess last night I just got sick of people being so horribly nasty to me and then thinking they can start using and abusing me again by just being nice again. Hahahahaha - NO! Don't think so somehow. C----- came to ask for something last night and I opened the door, thinking it was someone else and she said "Can I have your sieve?" "Uhh. I don't have one" here comes the attitude! "Yes you do!"
"I know for a fact I don't but I have a strainer. But then again... I don't have it, either you or R--- has got it" "No I haven't and neither's R---" "Well I don't have it"
"Alright, calm down! Corrrr, calm down! F-cking. Women!"

Aha. Not forgetting that C------- is also a woman (or girl, take your pick!), I laughed as I shut the door. Hehe. It was funny but at the same time just got me fuming again because she still thinks she can demand things from me or whatever and me be like "Course you can!!" After all the trouble I've had from people here..? No. Don't think so somehow. And if she reads this, I don't care because if she didn't want to hear it, then she shouldn't be reading it. I admit, maybe I was wrong putting the names of people in, but then again no I wasn't because of last names not being put in and other such things. I did speak to the staff here and they're sorting it out because I guess they're fed up of someone - me - that's so helpful and kind to people is getting hurt by the people that she has tried - and sometimes succeeded in - helping. So let's hope that something gets done about this!

I'm strangely weak and tired today, but I guess it's all the running around at the weekend and finally relaxing... After such a long time. It felt great to just be able to chill, be able to laugh and truly be laughing and happy and just to be able to be with one person that I know cares a lot about me and wants me to be happy. Of course, Georgie went quite silent after the dispute between K---- and I, so I thought something was wrong with her. I asked and she said "Kirst, I just worry about you. I can't help it. Seeing what s--t some of the people here put you through... It just makes me worry even more... Especially when I can see you're so close to tears. I know it's the shock, not that you're scared because I know you've handled it... But I just can't believe that these people can be so ungrateful and spiteful to you - someone that cares about others so much. It's not me that's upset or anything, I'm just worried about you and it hurts me to see someone I care about having people try to break her down. Are you okay?"
"Don't worry about me... I'm just shocked that's all. I never expected them to start while you were here, to be honest. I'm fine, just. Would rather live on the streets than this place. I'm sick of everyone here. They do my head in and just will not leave me alone. What the hell did I ever do?"
"That's why I worry, Kirst. You need time away from this place, even just a few days away, or a week. Just to give yourself a break for once and let yourself chill out more instead of always being on edge. I can see you're on edge alllll the time. Apart from when we're havig lots of fun of course! I just want you to feel safe for once in your life. They did that to try and show you up. Heh. The only person they showed up was themselves - not you. It actually showed that you're the level headed, sensible one who can sort things out without violence. Pff. Peple here suck and you don't deserve it at all."

Hmmm. It's nice to have people who care like that. I hate that they started on me whilst Georgie was sat right there. It was awful and my guess is that they did it to show me up. I'm glad that Georgie put it into perspective for me and said that she doesn't see people who cry as weak, but actually admires them for crying... It made me feel like a better, stronger person in the end and that even in tough and silly situations - including violence - I can sort it out quite simply and without the violence.

I just wish it was more simple than having to deal with that, though! People like K---- and C------- annoy me because they seem to think taht violence is the only way to "solve" a problem. Heh. No. Don't think so somehow. Oh well. It's over now. I just can't wait to get my butt out of this place.

It seems that you are handling things very well TPND! Good Work!

Indeed, I was...

But been on such a downer all day... Just felt really under the weather and lost and just yucky. But Georgie's putting the pictures up from our weekend, alongside the videos XD

Ooo. Now S had fallen out with C. Heh. Think there's a pattern here. Lots of people falling out with C. Oh well. Not my problem to be perfectly honest. Just want to stop feeling ill and crappy and just be happy for a while.

ARRRRRGHHHHH!! Today has been SO frustrating!!!

Nick told me to go get a nap this morning because I was so grumpy and he's never seen me like it before. He laughed at me a lot and I just got really annoyed and said "It's not funny!!! It's REALLY not!! I hate being so grumpy and irritable!! It's horrible! " He said it was quite funny, but it really wasn't... I got frustrated at everything.

Sigh. There's so much I wanna write here, but I can't because of the people viewing it. I hate it when this happens! It drives me nuts! I'm so tired and weak today... I haven't eaten today because of all the crap that's been going on and just haven't felt well enough to eat anything. I've been invited by 2 people to go and stay with them for a few days, but I'm too scared because of my eating... Sigh. I've even told these people that and they've not said much about it, but I know that if I go there, they'll beg me to eat something and say "well you have to eat at some point".

I know that things'll be better if I go away from here for a few days, therefore I'll be more likely to eat because I normally don't eat when things go wrong... But that's the thing... I don't want to put on anymore weight. I don't want to be out of control anymore.

I hate this. I just want to cry.

Hope things get better for you

You are getting your life in order so, therefore, you will need to control your eating less???????? Real control is control over your life (not others) and being able to deal with your feelings (not control your feelings) and problem solve. When people have eating disorders, everything feels so out of control that they resort to controlling food. You are learning how to get control in other areas of your life now.

When I am grumpy I actually start joking and laughing about it. It helps........

You can explain what is going on without mentioning names.........

It's not the mentioning names thing... It's the fact that they now know which forum I'm on and which posts to look at, what my login name is and can read anything I write, so can pick on it when they see me.

BUT!!!! I got an application form today to move into the flats linked to the supported housing I already live in!! Which means in 6 weeks, tata everybody from this hellhole, I'm off!! HUZZAHHHHHH!!!

Plus today I got some application forms for jobs, so should - within the next week or 2 - have a job!! Freedom here I come!

I did laugh and joke a little about it. I had a good laugh at some of the things I think and say, today at my counselling session. That was really productive once again. I was close to tears again and started to talk in a slight whisper, so I think she could tell. There have been a few times where she's said; "that makes me feel angry... That feels hurtful and sad to me, is that where you are?" She said today "When i went away last week after our session, I thought so much about you and what we'd talked about and I felt so angry at Shana... I just thought; 'how could someone that adopted a child be so cruel, so evil, so nasty? How could she hurt such a lovely, kind, caring and compassionate girl like you, someone who gives so much to people, who would do anything to help others, who did everything she could just to be loved? HOW???' God, that bloody woman! Sorry, Kirsten. She does make me angry though. Because I can sense how much she's hurt you and I know there's more, but already I can feel the pain you do and it hurts and angers me to see someone so lovely as you being hurt by someone so careless as her".

Hmmm. That was nice to think about. She asked why Shana adopted us... Hahaha! That was even funnier to talk about, but even more rage-worthy. My reply...

"She had 2 boys and one adopted boy already and wanted a girl."
"WHAT????? That's not the only reason, surely? Could she not have anymore kids?"
"Yeah, she could've buit just wanted a girl, so didn't wanna have loooooads of boys and no girl, so she got two of us... But then didn't want one of us. Heh."
"That's insane!! Any woman who adopts a child just because they want a specific sex is not right in the head at all, how on EARTH was she allowed to adopt??!! This proves to me, that this woman is the type that wants everything her way and if it doesn't go her way, she does something drastic and doesn't care about the people she hurts in the process"
"yeah... Actually... That makes a lot of sense now... She couldn't have a girl by giving birth, so didn't get her way, so tried a way that she knew would get her a girl, didn't care about the people she'd hurt in the process and as soon as she got 2 and couldn't control one like she thought she could, she did something drastic - kicked me out - hurt me, hurt my birth Mother and other members of the family, blamed me and said I walked out, making everyone feel sorry for her and believe I'm in the wrong... Therefore getting her own way..."
"Exactly! This woman has serious issues to be adopting JUST because she wants a girl. Any decent parent wouldn't mind if they didn't have a girl or vice versa. This woman will do anything to get her own way, pushing aside everyone and everything, not giving a **** about other peoples' feelings. You were passive at first, but once you met Connor and found your voice, she didn't like it and kicked you out! This makes a lot of sense now.. She blamed you so that everyone else blamed you and put on a front of being all sweet and kind to you when everyone was there, but as soon as their backs were turned, she'd hit you and abuse you in every way possible, just for not being who she wanted you to be, even though you were the perfect kid... You did everything for them, you let them push you around - just so you could be loved - and they never did love you... Which I can feel is still very raw and hurts a lot. But as soon as she lost that control in front of Connor's Mum, she had to get you out of the picture and get rid of you and the evidence, so stole your journal, kicked you out and told everyone else you walked out and lost your journal - to make them feel sorry for her, you seem bad and stop you from being a threat to her family and anyone finding out about the abuse she gave you. Damn that woman!"
"Wow."
"You are a puzzle!"

Indeed, i am a puzzle... My whole life's a puzzle.. She's said a lot that I may not have self belief YET or be able to stop being so passive YET or be able to stop feeling taht need, that desperate pleading deep down to be loved by them YET - but she will get me there. Then she wrote YET on the flip chart that was good. That was... Empowering. I do find it incredibly hard to believe that Shana and the rest of the family can't love me, though.. How can someone not love a kid they adopted? I mean... She didn't adopt me to love me, just to control me and have a girl in the family... But she got Bryony who she could control, who was just like her, who will keep quiet and be naive and believe what she says about me. My God this is horrible! How could someone not love a kid they adopted??? Just. How???

I felt great after that session... Exhausted, tired, weak... But great in the sense that we're achieving lots in these sessions.. But then again... I felt dead inside. I felt like... Like all these years I'd been so ******* naive and so damn passive and so stupid, how could I have not known? How the hell could Social Services not know???!!! Because she was SO F-CKING GOOD AT HIDING IT THAT'S WHY!!!!! I feel like I have an empty space inside me because of them... We haven't got onto the subject of my dog yet, but Sian was saying how Shana used everything that I did right, against me. She gave me things, but then took them away in other ways, or used them against me... Tp blackmail me, make me feel guilty, make me want that love from her... And now... I'm stuck in this rut. My God, I can't believe this... If you saw me when I was sat there, in that room, talking, listening, thinking... You'd have seen the shock, the wonder, the terror, the amazement at how someone could be so inconsiderate, so cruel, so evil, so nasty, so... So... Just... Inhumane... How???

I was so close to crying... I knew I was going to cry if I talked anymore. Sian did most of the talking, helping me to understand. It was overwhelming, scary, but.. Im glad we did it. I just. I don't know. I can't believe it.

I can't believe how f-cked up some people are and how f-cking stupid I was, how weak I was, how... Just how I could've let all this happen to me?

TPND, you were a child. What knowledge or power does a child have? All children in dysfunctional families are at the mercy of the adults.

I am glad that your therapy is working so well for you! I am also so glad that everything is working out for you! Good Work!

I know I was just a kid... I always think about this and think how immature kids are, how naive they are, you know? And it annoys me that I was so naive, so young and so... Vulnerable. It's not me that I'm annoyed at... I think... It's Them.

I have had a horrific and scary day today. I really freaked Connor out when I keeled over screaming in pain. he looked at me, grabbed my arm and said "My God, Kirst! What's wrong??? What's the matter? What's wrong?" He got so panicked. I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. All I'd done is gone to laugh... When I managed to speak, I yelped in pain "My chest!!! It KILLS!!!!!" He brought me back up to standing in front of him and said "we're going to the drs NOW and getting you an emergency appointment. I've never seen you in so much pain!"

So we went to the drs and I have to go back tomorrow for an ECG. Ugh. The dr I spoke to asked about my sleep and I told her it's been awful. I've gone days without sleeping and told her about the nightmares and such and she said that it seems to be all linked to anxiety and to go back to the MHT, but I won't because they dropped me and gave up on me and they're crap and just made me worse. Even Abi said I seem to be better since I stopped seeing them.

So... Yeah. I could have more of a heart problem than we thought I did. Great. And all because of the anxiety, stress and other stuff that I've been under. I don't want people treating me more carefully though, like giving me less opportunities and jobs to do... What I have so far to do is:

Organise a residential, organise a trip for the residents to the Bath and West Show, get a job, get a flat, start the voluntary reception job, start the key support worker course (getting partially paid), start the horse management course in Devon, continue with breakfast club and hopefully get my driving lessons and test done. Blehhhh. So much to do all within the space of a year. Or less than a year.

I'm so stressed right now... I'm not allowed to walk, run, jump, shout, get angry, laugh, cry, bend over too mcuh or lift heavy objects, or anything at al if I can help it, not allowed to support people at least until we find out the cause of the chest pains. Hmm. Difficult already I hate this.

I've had an okay day today with achievements and such, but just... I can't relax, no matter how mcuh I want to, or how hard I try. I'm so tired, but won't allow myself to sleep yet and now I have a bloody headache!

Did you tell the doc that you aren't eating????????

One day at a time. You can accomplish all that in a year if you just focus on one day at a time.

No... I have been eating for the past few sdays, but when I go back tomorrow I will mention it. The painsd have got worse sinmce I was last on here. It's horrible and I can't take much more of the pain

I dunno what to do. I'sm stuck forwhat I shoudl do beause I know I should get help with itand stuff, ubt I already went to the drs today, so...

Could it be indigestion or reflux? These can cause really bad pain right under your breast bone. You can try antiacids and if the pain goes away that is what it was.

I guess we'll find out today and hopefully get it soretd. I was up all night last night with the pain and have been feeling horribly sick this morning. It's been horrible

I've got the appointment today to see what's happening with my body. I wouldn't be surprised if it was due to anxiety.
It got worse after my twin sister snapped at me with a really harsh comment. Remembering what Sian said about showing people that I won't let them push me around, I gave as good as I got and told her a piece of my mind. She didn't like it and came back with some really harsh, pathetic stuff but then realised that her friends would see it, so deleted it off my facebook page. Ha. She got stuck when I agreed that I'm a waster because I live in the YMCA and am on benefits and I just said "HELL F-CKING YEAH, I'M A WASTER!!! AND I'M PROUD OF IT!!!" Because I know that this is not true and I know that she would have got stuck because I'd agreed with her. It worked. I know that I work my arse off to get myself somewhere.

She decided to say that no-one can be a singer with sliced up arms and I'm living in a dream world. Ha! So one of my friends commented and said "Uh. Lilly Allen?" I loved it! Although some of the things she said really struck a chord with me, I had to laugh at her piteous efforts to bring me down so low as her. She makes me sick with how nasty she is. Another person was asking where it all went wrong saying we've been through so much together and now what, we hate each other's guts? So I explained where it all went wrong and she said that no matter what has happened we're sisters and should still be close. I just told her straight that we would be close if it wasn't just me pulling all the weight, making all the effort and her coming back at me with b-tchy comments. She could perfectly understand that but was sad to see that twins that should be so close are actually worlds apart.

I know Bryony... But she doesn't know me anymore. She thinks she knows me, but she really doesn't. She said she wishes things were different. The only thing that she wishes was different is if I didn't have Connor, if I was still naive, if I was still with that family and letting them use me as their punch bag, and if I was still passive and a nobody and just a skeletal nothing taht they could beat all they wanted and get away with it. Not anymore. No.

She told me how her "parents" have bought her a beautiful flat and car and everything and how she's getting somewhere in the world. I know she'll not be able to cope alone. She relies on them far too much and always will. It shows in the fact that they bought her the flat (which means they've kicked her out! As I predicted!!) and they bought her the car, paid the insurance, tax and MOT and are paying the rent and everything for her flat. Does that not show how dependable she is on others? I think so. She may be getting somewhere in the world, but none of this is done by her she got her job because Shana and Patrick went around asking for jobs for her, she got the flat because they looked for it and paid rent etc, she got the moped because they paid for it, her insurance, tax and her license, she got the car because they paid for it, the lessons, the test, the MOT, the insurance and tax, she got her "friends" because of bullying and partying, sleeping around all the time which is apparently a good thing? She got into college because they fought for her to get onto the higher course because she did so rubbishly at school because she p-ssed about with boys and bullying, she's getting into the army because they want her to because it's the easy option for her. Pff. And she thinks she's independant??? Far from it!

I hate to sound b-tchy, but it's so true! Comparing myself to her, I'm proud of myself. I may be living in the a place with a bad reputation and bullying etc, I may not have a job yet, I may have dropped out of cllege (which she doesn't know about), I may not have a car or my own flat or a moped or loads of friends... But what I do have, I am thankful for and the friends I do have are friends that actually care all her friends are interested in is booze, boys, sex and drugs. Ugh. At least I can say that I'm gtting a job and will have got it myself, that I am earning the money myself and paying for a flat myself, and paying for lessons, insurance, tax, a car, MOT, myself, and got into college myself, got the grades I did at school myself - I was never supported by them at all! I may have dropped out of college, but I have made the decision to do animal courses, counselling courses, key support working courses MYSELF. All this I have done by myself and off my own back and made the conscious decisions to do these things. There are so many other things that I have done BY MYSELF and she hates it. She can't stand that I'm doing so well for myself, slowly but surely and that it's all because of ME, nobody else but ME.

Oh I make myself proud when I think of all the things I have done off my own back, yeah, with a little support along the way, but everyone needs that sometimes, especially at such a young age. All the time making the right decisions for ME, all the time doing what I know is RIGHT for me, all the time doing this by myself and no-one else, FOR myself and no-one else. She hates it. She hates that I;m so independant. She hates that she can't do it all herself and I can. She told me "You left me, abandoned me, you walked, Kirsten and I give up on you now. I quit with this. It ends now."
So I told her she's always been a quitter and always will be, I never quitted on her and never will, i always hoped that she'd change and see the light and always will, i always hoped that someday we'd be sisters again and always will. She got mad and said she's not the quitter, I am.

WHAT????!!!! She really doesn't know me!! All the time that I've struggled, I've given up ONCE. That was when i ended up in hospital after an overdose when my whole life crashed down on me, but when things have been even worse over the past 6 weeks, have I self harmed? Have I ODed to die? Have I tried to get killed some other way? Have I stopped trying, stopped pushing? NO. I pushed myself ever harder, even though I KNEW it'd have long term bad effects for me. I reached out for the help I knew I needed and I finally got it. I tried my damndest to push on and get my life back on track. And am I there? Not YET as Sian always says now. But she will get me there and I will get me there. I won't give up. Not like Bryony has.