I Lost The Fight

Actually, if my memory serves me right, you have been having a lot of good days or at least good mornings! This is a good trend!

Thinking about it, it's since I started the counselling at SWEDA, so Sian must be doing something right!!

I have Georgie (best friend), from Surrey coming down to see me in 4 and a half days and can't WAIT!!! She's going to make my week ever better, even if I have the crappiest week ever.

I haven't been struggling as much as I thought I would have been. I have kept to my SI free 6 weeks or so. The only thing causing problems is my sleep. I can't sleep at all. I don't get any sleep until I've gone at least 70 hours without sleep *yawn* so I had to get up this morning after no sleep last night and 3 hours sleep yesterday, to do breakfast club.
I haven't been able to eat in 3 days :-/ just not felt like it at all. Even when I drink squash or anything to keep my energy up, I feel sick. It's getting ridiculous. ED counsellor isn't going to be very happy tomorrow when she hears about it, especially why I didn't go last week (because of Nancy and her nasty comments).

Things have been looking up a bit and I have had a better few days, I'm guessing that's because my Georgie is coming down to see me at the weekend. I don't know how I'm going to handle eating then but... I guess I'll have to somehow. I just feel incredibly exhausted and like I can't do what I always do anymore, with helping other people and running breakfast club, going to conferences etc for the YMCA. It's got too tiring now... I just hope that things will be okay again soon

I need to go to the police about her at some point, just don't know when. I need Ellee to go with me, she's got the evidence. I doubt they'll do anything, but I guess we'll see...

I'm gonna go chill out in my room for a bit and see if I can get some fluids into my system...

sendiny you hugs and hopes for rest and healing,

beads

Mmhmm. Thanks for the hpes for rest! I could really do with some rest dammit!

I just went out shopping with Charlene so she could get some food and I was soooooo knackered. I'm exhausted now that I'm back. Will probably go back to my room again in a minute and drink some water, along with finishing my stitches.

Blergh. So tired and exhausted... Mark, a resident here said when he saw me this morning "You haven't slept...?"
"How did you know that?"
"Ahem. Heh. You look pale and like you've been punched in both eyes, to put it bluntly"
"Eeeek! I do??? I was moisturising like crazy this morning to try and soften it, hide it!! Blahhhh. No I didn't sleep"
"Aww. How come?"
" I dunno really, just no matter how hard I tried I couldn't sleep! long with the fire alarm going off at 4.30am!!!!!"
"Ouch! I'd have been really annoyed!!"
"Oh I was."

So yeah... If he notices that I've not slept, Sian's bound to notice tomorrow when she sees me :-/ I guess it's a good thing if we talk about it and stuff... I just... I don't know. Iwant to know why I'm not sleeping... It's been like this for months

you are under much stress and have so much going on..............it makes sense that you are having trouble sleeping.............
can you try to do something relaxing like maybe your stitching or reading or sumfin before you go to bed.maybe it would help you clear your head so that you can get the rest that you need..........also some peaceful,soothing, calming music iffen you can liseen to maight help...........
jsut a few thoughts, also maybe lock your door so no one can come in and aggravate you and you wil know that your are safe mite help too

beads

I know. I have waaaayyy too much going through my head at the moment.

I do actually read and do my sewing just before I sleep, it does nothing for me apart from me getting aggravated when I do it wrong because I'm so tired and have no concentration. Sigh. I always have music on and have to sleep with a light on because of the rapes and such. I don't feel safe otherwise. My door's always locked at night now, again ever since the rapes and such.

It's horrible. I've tried everything.

I met up with Connor for half an hour or so just now and he bought me food... Again... He got me to eat it because he caught on that I hadn't eaten in almost 3 days... I confessed to it after a while of trying to cover up

So... I'm back to eating 100 calories again, just to make him and my friends happy. I feel worse than I did when I wasn't eating. I feel weak, tired, my stomach aches and I feel sick from eating less than half a pastry and want to OD again to get rid of it... But I won't, for Georgie... Because she's coming over on Friday and I don't want to be ill when she's here. I just feel like getting incredibly drunk instead. But I won't do that either because I have no alcohol and no money to get any.

I've been in bed most of the day and sorted out my sewing that I messed up, so that was a bit of an achievement and I'm hapy abotu that because I have now finished the flower and the butterfly's body, just have the wing left to do But yeah, just been weak and tired, so stayed in bed trying to sleep, which didn't happen no matter what I did...

But I guess... I don't know.. Things could be better, but they're okay compared to how they have been. My friend, Craig, alongside Connor, didn't get mad about me not eating. They both said they're not surprised with all the stress I've been under, but Connor begged me to eat. I just feel like crying

I'm glad that your appt. is tomorrow. I didn't know that you missed it last week because of Nancy. This is when you need to go! Maybe you aren't sleeping because you aren't eating?

I knwo that's when i need to go but I couldn't go anyway because Iwoke up late and felt ill and yucky and horrible! I'm definately going tomorrow though. I'll make sure i get up.

I need to go tomorrow... Maybe the sleep is because I haven't been eating, but normally when I don't eat, I can sleep better if anything because I'm exhausted. Was horrible ealier because I walked up a tiny hill and got out of breath really quickly and felt like I was gonna faint... All because I'd just been surviving on a glass of squash and 2 litres of water for 3 days :-/

I definately have to eat over the weekend... Don't want to because I know that I've lost weight because I can fit into my smaller jeans... I can't SEE that I've lost weight though I still see fat, ugliness. not fun

Sky's not happy with me because of the OD I let her down.. I let a lot of people down and I know it... And now I'm paying the price for it, which isn't nice... But at least georgie's there for me for now.. It's something to look forward to...

I just hope tomorrow's a better day. I just feel like crying. I need someone here, I need to hug someone taht I know cares and that I know I can trust...

Mandy asked me today if the reason I passed out last night was because I'd not been eating. I said no so she asked what I'd eaten and I lied :-/ I said I'd eaten toast for breakfast. i didn't want her on my back about my eating... I'll talk to Abi about it if anything. I'm sure she'll say something about me losing weigth and stuff. Then she'll probably keep an eye on me at breakfast club and make sure I eat something and comment if I don't... I don't know...

I've almost lost another stone... I can't stop yet

((((((((((TPND)))))))))))
not much on words after seeing T today but we is sets here with you
hugs, hugs, and more hugs sending your way..........(catch)

mary

Thanks...

I had my SWEDA appointment today. I went and it was amazing... We did work on the flipchart so that I could see how backward my thinking is sometimes. It sure as hell worked and - for the first time in therapy ever - said truthfully; "I scare myself sometimes" Sian wrote that down then asked how I scae myself. I explained. I told her about Nancy, too. She said; "Just hearing that makes me feel like I've been shoved against the wall and flattened into it. What the hell is this woman doing??!! Picking on someone so young, so fragile and struggling so much?! How did you feel when she said it?"
"I believed it. Everything. I cried my eyes out for ages. I was angry. I felt like I'd been hammered into the ground, squashed into nothingness" <<<<<< First time I've ever said my true feelings too!!

We then got onto my Adoptive Family and the abuse etc... :-/ she said... "Although you say all this about the abuse and it really hurts me, I can just imagine how much it hurts you... I still get a sense that you'd go back if you could..."
I sat silent for a few moments...
"You're good! Hahaha. Yes. I do feel like going back if I could. I feel like I had it easy there. I didn't have the responsibilities I do now... I didn't have bills to pay, or rent, or food to buy and cook, or any of the.... I was about to say bullying... But actually, I did have bullying there!"
"Do you feel bitter about everything?"
"Oooh. I don't know. I'm not the bitter type... I don't like *****ing about people or being nasty, but I am nasty about them... I think of it as 'they were nasty to me, so I have every right to be nasty about them' Hm. No, I'm not bitter... I just feel angry and upset about it and need to vent that frustration about the fact that I can't be loved by them..."
"That makes sense. That's perfectly understandable... You just need to talk it out and feel better about YOU. Accept yourself..."

I know this, I hate it though.. I can't accept myself for who I am because of them not accepting me... I NEED to be accepted by them. I know that Sian says there will be a day when I can stop that need being there, but it seems like it'll never happen

I just love the way that we've clicked so easily and so well and we get on so well! She laughed at me when I said that I guess the reason I see everyone else as right, or saw everyone else in my Adoptive Family as right, was because they were adults"
She said "Kirsten, Sweetheart. Whether you're 56, 49, 27, 13 or whatever age... You're right or wrong. Adults are wrong sometimes, and the Children are right sometimes. In this case, you were the one in the right and she was in the wrong."

Hmmm. Something interesting to think about. Then she gave me homework... Eeeek! I had hoped she wouldn't ask me to do this...

"Okay, Kirsten. Can you do me a favour?"
"Sure thing!"
"Can you... Write me a diary of your thoughts and feelings every day..?"
"Mmmhmm"
"And a food diary."
Eeeeeeeek! I felt like screaming!
"Uhh. Yeah. I can try."
"It's just so that I can see the days when you do eat and don't eat and track them so we can figure out why you starved on a particular day."
"Oh right, okay. Well. Yeah. I can do that."

She also asked me to think about Shana and her "love" for me. She said that maybe Shana couldn't love. Maybe she just couldn't give love to anyone, not even her own kids... the reason she says not even her own kids is because her own kids do everything Shana wants so that they don't get on the wrong side of her. Which makes perfect sense. I'd never thought of this before. Maybe that's so... Sian did say she's not trying to excuse Shana's behaviour because what that "family" did was horrendous, but just trying to find a reason why Shana was the way she was---and still is.

It was a great session and I even took in what Sian said;
"Be kind to yourself today, buy yourself some bubblebath, eat a chocolate bar, relax for a bit. Do whatever to be kind to yourself, care for you.."
And did it. I ate a chocolate bar. I feel incredibly guilty for it, but I did it at least... Right?

But now.. My friend is going to end it I stopped her last night, pleaded with her to hold on until today and she did, but now she's giving up... What the hell do I do?? I texted her back, I PMed her, I wrote a thread about it on the other forum she's on... I can't do anymore, can I? I love her so much and I could never forgive myself if she gave up. *cries* I can't let her go. I can't let her die. She doesn't deserve to like she thinks she does... Who'll save her this time? All because of a f--king guy being a complete a--hole!!! Plus all the other stuff on top

I'm losing it.

TPND, I am so happy for your appt! Will you go once a week now? Who else can you contact to help your friend also?

I will be going once a week, yes. When I told Sian about the fact that I'm going to London next Thursday though, she looked at me concerned and said "Are you sure you'll be okay to come next week?"
"Of course! After this week, I should think so too!"
And she smiled

There is no-one else that can help her... Not now... I don't knw anyone that knows her, or have their numbers or email addresses or anything like that... So I'm completely stuck

(((((((((((((((((((((TPND)))))))))))))))))))

"You just need to talk it out and feel better about YOU. Accept yourself..."

I know this, I hate it though.. I can't accept myself for who I am because of them not accepting me... I NEED to be accepted by them. end quote

thank you for haveing the communications skills and the courage to be able to put that into words and share it!!!!!!!!!!
TPND you are good, and you help others me thinks without even realizing it!

good luck on both of the journals also!

we hope that your freind is okay we are keeping thouhgts of you both near to our heart tonite.

sending hugs and soothing music to lissen to your way thru the net waves.........

all of us beadys

glad things went well

sorry about your friend - keep in touch with her - is there someone who can visit her?

I had a PM from her last night, but it wasn't to say she'd changed her mind. Morelike to say that she's sorry she's hurting me so much and that she'll love me forever and that I can get through this and be strong and to keep fighting, for her sake and mine...

I'm in so much pain today after managing to eat yesterday and keep it down. I feel so sick and like my stomach has been twisted and pulled.

I hope that she'll be okay and I hope that I'll be okay and I just hope that Connor doesn't try to make me eat when he sees me today... It's not going to help me at all

I got woken up by the fire alarm AGAIN last night. Someone headbutted it. They had been drinking. Charlene was also one of these people and was stomping up and down the stairs and screaming her face off and shouting until about 3am. I spoke to Connor on sky chat and couldn't take it anymore. I just sid "I feel s--t".

I had stood by my door, waiting for one more loud scream or shout or bang to happen and then I was going to go out and tell them all where to go. I was so angry. 3 of the people drinking KNEW for a fact that I had JUST gone to bed because I was exhausted and almost falling asleep. Yet they went to Charlene's room, on our landing and ran around screaming and shouting etc and kept me up. NOT a happy bunny. So, I am tired. Once again. And more irritable that ever! So if anyone sparks off at me, I won't hold back. I'll just snap and shout back. I'm not standing for people - especially those that kept me up - shouting at me and getting mad at me for texting them or whatever telling them to keep the noise down because some people need sleep after four days of none. Or shouting at me for anything today. I went to bed and wanted sleep, fair enough. I had my quiet music on, just loudly enough so that I could hear it. I couldn't even hear that over the shouting, screaming and banging. Does no-one have any consideration for anyone in here?!?!?!

I admit, when I've been drinking, I giggle lots, I have fun. But I do that INSIDE the rooms, not out on the landings keeping everyone up. Hmm.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm just tired and not happy today and needed to vent...

vent away if you nned to and it helps

I haven't eaten all day today... And I don't plan to. I feel like I was wrong last night, like I should have said something to the people being noisy and annoying and stuff...

Connor offered to buy me food earlier and I declined. He then put food in my face and I just turned away and said "No. I don't want anything. I'm not hungry, you eat it"

he looked a bit upset by that, but I can't help it. I'm in so much pain after eating yesterday and it's my stupid fault for eating yesterday. I shouldn't have let Charlene force me like that. I was weak AGAIN.

I don't know what to do I need to sleep, but want to go to the gym...

..........

I shouldn't have to deal with it myself, but security didn't bloody well do anything, so I should've. GRRRR.

I guess I am punishing myself because I think I didn't handle last night correctly... I feel like I was wrong and just didn't do the right thing by not saying anything to them. I did speak to the staff today about it though, which made me feel a little better. But my stomach hurting today still stops me from eating.

I will eat when Georgie's here, I've said that I'd try and so I will try... Just don't know how far I'll get... But I guess all that matters is that I'll be trying. She said she won't force me, not like Charlene did, but she'll be grateful that I'm trying.

I have so much planned foodwise, I want to make it as enjoyable as possible and don't want to spoil it by being full within the first mouthful, but I guess if that happens, she won't be bothered because I cooked it and I tried to eat it.

Just. Hm. I'm worried about the weekend :-/

This is good, let security handle it. Save all of your complaints for them.

Why are you worried about the weekend?

I would, but they're not doing anything! The support staff said they're working on it now, so I guess I have to wait until tomorrow and see what happens..

I'm worried because I'm scared I'll let Georgie down if I can't eat, or that I'll cry or something if I do eat, or that I'll just mess everything up and everything will turn out rubbish and I'll ruin the whole weekend :-/

I guess oyu'll say that's irrational thinking and you reckon it'll be a great weekend because I'm so kind and caring and hospitable etc and worry about other peoples thoughts and feelings lots...?

I don't know. I just don't want to screw things up when this is the first time we;ve ever met!

I just wanted to point out how your life is revolving around food????????