20, still a virgin, and am really bothered about that

I know that there are many other 20-year-old virgins out there, especially among Asian girls like me. But every time I hear about others' sexual exploits, I get envious. I'm also constantly thinking about sex. I'm lesbian and I'm a bit shy around girls. (I'm not socially awkward. But you know what power a pretty girl holds. lol) Perhaps that's one of the reasons I'm still a virgin. I know for a fact though that I'm not ugly, quite the contrary, so this is not a self-esteem issue. Still, I'm really bothered about being a virgin. I'm liberal in my world view and laugh at the idea of saving myself for someone. But I don't like the idea of having sex with a random person you meet in a bar, either. Too much STDs going around these days. So, what should I do while I'm still not getting any sex? Is there anything that can make the wait less upsetting? (Please don't tell me to masturbate, though. I already do that a lot. XD)

Thanks.

I was a virgin at 20 also. There really is no rush. but you have to decide that for yourself.

I'm a male, but....

I was a virgin until age 33. Mostly due to bad self esteem and things like that(I didn't feel good enough to be with someone)

20 is not a big deal.

Are you in a committed relationship where sex would be the next natural step? I made sure I was in a relationship for my first time (hetrosexual relationship) and it made things easier. I was 18. Thereafter followed a good few One-nighters but with guys I knew, until I met my bf. At 22 I then got involved in a bisexual relationship that just kind of happened.
But don't let society dictate to you when your age is right

No, I'm not in a relationship. In fact, I have problems forming one. As soon as I get close to someone romantically, I want to end it asap. I have a negative view on love, fearing it'll interfere with my wits, fearing I'll be under someone's control. To be honest, I don't want to be in a romantic, committed relationship. I just want a friend with benefit. To put it vulgarly, my heart doesn't want anyone but my groin aches for someone. Is it normal to feel this way?

I think people at your age may ache for that first sexual experience. But please don't understimate the effect that experience has on your psyche. Choose the right person please and look after your soul

Sugahorse gives good advice. There is no need to rush things. You are still quite young.

hi. well, you say that you want a friend with benefits. isn't that what relationships are? based on what you have said, your negative view of love is holding you back. where does this come from? you see, you don't seem to have any personal experience to back it up since you've never been in a romantic relationship. relationships are compromises. i like that you seem to be holding out for love but it seems you need some experience in order to make informed decisions. i like that you're taking things slow. there is no need to rush to lose one's virginity but you might consider making a plan and setting relationship / friendship goals and talking about your feelings of being controlled with potential lovers. you know, do a reality check to see if these feelings are valid or are irrational thoughts.

@sugahorse
Don't worry. I've been told I'm incredibly picky. xD Thank you though.

@unhappyguy
Well, I've been in a romantic relationship. (We didn't have sex though.) It hurt too much. I could feel myself becoming a different person, and not necessarily in a good way. There was little control in one's emotions when one's in love, like a force much stronger than me was controlling me. Everything was too intense. That's why I don't want the strain of romanticism in my relationship, and instead want a friend with benefit. Or if it's to be romantic, I want it slow and not so intense, so that I don't lose control of myself. I don't want to get so hurt again. :/ Thank you for the advice though.

I'm 40, and I don't even know what my sexuality is. Understanding is a work in progress. I'm still a virgin, too. But of course much older, and the consequent grief of never likely having a child ever etc. You do have time on your side, at least. My difficulties come from childhood abuse and bullying.

@sorrel
Thanks for telling me your story. As for having a child, have you considered adoption?

Thanks. Not an option, unfortunately. It's not that simple. But thanks.

"Well, I've been in a romantic relationship. (We didn't have sex though.) It hurt too much. I could feel myself becoming a different person, and not necessarily in a good way. There was little control in one's emotions when one's in love, like a force much stronger than me was controlling me. Everything was too intense. That's why I don't want the strain of romanticism in my relationship, and instead want a friend with benefit. Or if it's to be romantic, I want it slow and not so intense, so that I don't lose control of myself. I don't want to get so hurt again."

Hi. I've read and re-read your comments. I think that this is not just true of you - it's true of everyone. Love is a very strong emotion. The trick is to keep your emotions in check a little to make sure that you are falling in love with a person with whom you have things in common, e.g., similar values, and who is being honest and is compatible with you. Learning these things take time. So, it's always a good idea to go slow. Love is a very enjoyable emotion, why does it seem to raise feelings of hurt so much? Maybe you're not becoming a different person but are growing / developing as a person? Friends with benefits are nice but without love you would be missing out on a lot, don't you think?

@unhappyguy
Why does love hurt? That seems a strange question. Isn't pain an important ingredient in love? The pain even manifests itself physically, as the tightness in your chest, the tears in your eyes, etc, not to mention that love brings even greater mental pain. It is quite obvious, to me at least, that you can't be in love without a great deal of discomfort. I just don't want that again. Plus, you lose control over yourself when you're in love. Love distorts your perception. It can leave you really vulnerable, like how alcohol leaves a drunk vulnerable on the street. I don't want that.

It is totally normal to feel like this, i'm very similar i dont like sex and love to be linked.
I am also a 20 year old girl although not a virgin. I have never slept with anyone i have been in love with, and i personally dont regret that, not that i am glad, but it doesnt really make any difference to me.
I think as long as you decide when you lose it, and you feel comfortable, its fine.
In fact i have slept with one person i loved, i loved that person more than anyone in the world, but it totally ruined our relationship.
This is a hard thing to give advice on cause it is something a lot of people can feel so strongly about.
I just think the main thing is, you do what YOU want, when YOU are ready, if you're in love thats great but if not thats fine too!

I'm 29 and still a virgin for many complex reasons. Hang in there.

Honestly no one likes to say this but the reality is unless, as was mentioned you are in a real relationship, the true enjoyment of sex will not be received.

Other than that you are masturbating to put it bluntly. You are just two human blow up dolls pleasuring yourself and using one another for a physical release. No connection is not what people want you to think.

I wish someone had the guts to tell me that when I was 20! People who say doing each other just to do each other is great are lying. They are just as happy with themselves and I believe there are studies that prove that.

@Lexaproman
Well, I suspect it to be so. I've heard a famous guy says sex is usually like masturbation with another person. Still, I want to know first hand if it's really so. Thanks for telling me though.

Well being curious is natural I am just trying to forewarn you that it's not like Sex in the City in real life.

It's worth waiting for........... and that is a promise.

I still think one cannot underestimate how much emotion is involved in sex - of course when one is in a loveing relationship; but even when the act is purely one of a "friends-with-benefits" setup. There WILL always be a certain amount of emotions.

On Love - yes, it can be painful. But the good times will always outweigh the bad if the relationship is balanced. You tend to stick together through the bad times more so than if it was not a relationship, but you know there is light at the end of the tunnel. You know the pain is there because it will make you stronger; and ultimately pull two people closer together.
I don't think your judgement becomes too clouded - you're just prepared to invest a whole lot more, because it means a whole lot more to you. It's not as easy to emotionally discard a lover as it may be to discard a friend - for whatever reason.

But life is supposed to be shared; to be enjoyed by 2 people. Don't compromise on the experience of sharing with someone, for fear of being hurt.
Life is not a life fully lived, if you keep putting things off due to fear. Take a plunge - who knows, you might actually enjoy it.

Nice comments sugahorse

The irony of all this is that we live in a world where society as a whole does not want to be accountable or have standards as if there is something wrong with having principles and understanding there are consequences either good or bad for the actions we take.

And I am in no way suggesting that I should be in charge of the standard making either.

That point aside the way sex is portrayed in entertainment whether it be on screen or in print couldn't be farther from the truth if it tried to be. Sadly many of us did not know that and most of us won't admit we got sucked in and were extremely disappointed.

Sex was designed to achieve maximum fulfillment between to committed partners regardless of what any of us say or wish to be the case.

Virginity is nothing to be concerned with, your time will arrive and if you give yourself to the person you want to spend your life with you will look back and say "now I get it!"

dont worry about it, im gonna be 18 in exactly two weeks and iv never even had a bf

You're still young, so don't feel pressured. Look for that special person, (in your case a woman) who you could love and would love you back, and when it happens, it will be a wonderful thing. Doing it just to maintain "status quo" isn't going to make you feel any better. Allow yourself the freedom of choice and eventually the right moment will come along and it will have been worth the wait!